Tempor Dilema

Hi I.,

Sometimes it is hard to get another person to buy into and support what we are trying to do with our kids when they , obviously, feel they know better. Have you thought of sitting through an episode or two of SuperNannny with MIL and your DH ? Maybe if she sees it in action in someone else's child and the common sense wisdom that Nanny uses to deal with it, MIL will come to her senses too and you can all be on the same page. Are you and your husband unified in your discipline approach ?

I don't know if this helps at all. If nothing else, stick to your guns because you really do have his BEST interests at heart.

M.

Hi I.,

I think you are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart with you mother in law. Explain to her that though you understand her desire to be a doting grandma that with the living arrangements being as they are you are going to have to recruit her in trying to eliminate this difficult behavior in your son. Make sure you have a specific game plan and you are both on the same page with the plan before trying to put it into place. She may choose not to participate in the discipline but if she makes that choice she should understand that she needs to respect your need to discipline your son without interference. She could also set aside special times when she takes out your son or has him over to her home and rules can be different there as long as your son knows his grandma will not bale him out when mom or dad must set firm limits. Good Luck!

J. L.

My daughter does the same thing at times. I actually made a request about it a while back. I have found if she doesn't have an audience, the fit isn't worth it. When she gets wound up, I send her to her room to cool off. When she is calm she can come back. I think she just needs to learn how to control her emotions. The only thing we really address is when she hurts someone out of her temper. That is punished with stern voices, time-outs or losing privileges(or all of the above!!) She has gotten much better over the past month or so, but I think she'll always be a passionate child, so we have to each her coping skills!!

Hi I.,
When Bryana (my 5 year old) acts out in that way, we sit her down and explain why her behavior is unacceptable, we let her know that she could break something in the house, hurt another child, or hurt herself. If she doesn't get it from the first warning, then a time-out is then given. Just be consistent in letting him know that it's not OK behavior. It's tough because you do have your MIL right next door but if you have to, you may have to speak with her as well. Also make sure your hubby is consistent with him during the day. Sometimes I know when my husband is home on the weekends, things get a little out of sorts here but I have to remind him to be consistent and firm. Also check in to make sure nothing changd in Michael's routine or life, sometimes things that we don't even know that happended, have happended, it could be something very minor but their behavior becomes very severe. Good luck.

I have always said I never met a 4 year old I liked.. ha ha,, It is a stage like any other and he will soon grow out of it if you stay consistent. Let him have his temper tantrum but don't give in to him. He will learn who tolerates what and will soon learn that you and MIL are different people with different expectations. Hopefully your husband agrees with you and doesn't let him do or have everything like his mother does. Let you son know that you love him but he will not get everything he wants at home. The best kind of parenting is when the parent is the adult and makes the decisions and does not let the little ones rule the house. Be consistent and in the end you will be glad you did. good luck this will pass
I had two 4 year olds who grew up to be great young adults.

Try reading the book "123 Magic". It's a quick read and I swear it turned my 2.5 year old around in record time, curing her biting, hitting, tantrums, and general misbehavior.

Additionally, while you can't control your MIL, the best thing is for YOU to stay consistent. Offer a warning, then follow through with a time out. Eventually they catch on and now we just threaten the time out as we see her temper rising, which seems to cure the reaction.

Good luck!

I have a 3yr old daughter and last year she was throwing the most unruly temper tantrums, I know part of it is their age and trying to see what happens, but I looked into other causes, and found that dye in foods have a huge affect on behaviors in children. I stopped giving her anything with red 40 and yellow 5 as they were the worst of them, and in abnout a week, there was a difference! It isn't easy, especially if you are not hte full time caregiver, but it wasn't that hard either, and worth it! I buy all natural juices, read all snack ingredients... try it out... read up on it on line, you will be amazed! Good luck!

I never respond to posts, but this one grabbed my attention because I recently was going through a similar situation with my oldest son, now almost 4. (We also live with the MIL.)

My son is very determined. He loves to be in control. For almost two years we've been battling for control. As many books suggested, I gave him choices within boundaries (i.e., do you want ketchup or mustard on your sandwich? do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?) whenever I could to give him a sense of power. This wasn't enough. He always wanted to choose a THIRD option, one that wasn't allowed. Test. Test. Push. Push. This was his m.o. There were lots and lots of tears (and time-outs) in our house, over and over again. And despite our consistency and follow-through over the two years, he never seemed to "learn" that "this was the way" in our house--"these were the rules." After I finally felt like we were on the brink of crisis, and I simply couldn't keep my temper at bay with all of the needless power struggles and sometimes even violent behavior on his part, I finally sought professional help.

Jeanine Fitzgerald. I was lucky enough to work one on one with her, and attend many of her information sessions. But, she has a book too, called the "Dance of Interaction." It teaches parents how to identify the temperament of each child and helps parents to find a discipline strategy that works with and not against each type of temperament. As it turns out, Time-Outs were the WORST thing you could do do a "high-D" child like mine. (Read the book, you'll know what this temperament label means). And she showed me that not only should I be giving him choices within limits throughout the day (like I already was), but I also should be giving him choices within limits when things go awry (i.e., he hits his brother, he stomps on the cat's tail, he won't eat breakfast, etc.) In the past when things started to get out of control I would limit his autonomy and go straight for the "if you do that again, you will get a time-out." As a D-child, he, of course, would do it again, just to "win." (We both would then lose.)

Since LIVING with Jeanine's book and working one on one with her (she did a personality assessment of him to determine his strengths and weaknesses), I am pleased to say, his behavior has GREATLY improved, his tears have diminished, he plays with other kids/animals better....and maybe most importantly....my parenting skills have improved immensely. (I was very thoughtful, calm, deliberate and consistent in my former approach. So much so that I didn't even realize that I had much room for improvement--a little bit of course--but I thought I was on the right path in general. Then I read her book and was enlightened to some of the "negative" tactics I employed which at times exacerbated the problems.

I still have a long way to go. Positive Discipline is the hardest parenting tactic around!! But, it makes us both better people in the end. I highly recommend Jeanine Fitzgerald!!! Good luck.

Hi I.!
I think you're going through what most parents experience with their young children! Because children are children they are naturally self-centered and think the world revolves around them! We parents tend to comfirm that as we give them love and adoration and dote on them as the "cutest child" in the world and sometimes go overboard with giving in to them. A lot of parents (and grandparents!) think if they don't give the child everything the child THINKS he wants, the child won't love them! But we're here to teach them, to help them grow and mature and show them the right thing to do. It's our "job". If we don't, who will? ( I tell my kids, "it's what parents do and you'll understand when you are parents!) It is never easy and "it hurts us more than them" as we always want our children to be happy. But without loving discipline, the "world revolves around me" attitude is just perpetuated. Your situation will be even harder as your in-laws are watching Michael part of the time and have access to him during his day possibly more than you if you're working full time. But he is your child and you need to decide with your husband exactly how you want to raise your child then discuss and explain, with love, your "way" to your in-laws (and anyone else who has influence). Consistency from all those who love him will reinforce the right behavior and conversly, the wrong behavior.

I encourage you and your husband, don't take the easy and comfortable way out. LOVINGLY stick with reinforcing the appropriate behavior and LOVINGLY and patiently teach Michael about wrong, inappropriate behavior. He WILL love you and eventually respect you for taking the the more difficult road of discipline. We have the hardest and most demanding job in the world, raising our kids to be good, strong, generous and loving mature people. We plant the seeds that will grow in their lives, good or bad, flowers or weeds. Beautiful flowers take time and effort and dirty work! God bless you and your little boy!

B. O
P.S. Our Michael, now 30 and soon to be a daddy, has red hair and had a temper to go with, especially when he was hungry! :)
And he always seemed to have to learn things the hard way! Now he is a responsible, loving, creative and mature man...sometimes still learning the hard way!

Hi I., I have twin 3.5 year olds and they also do the same thing. my new tactic is to say....ok when you throw something it tells me you don't want it, so I can throw it in the barrell.....for me, it works every time and now they look at me when they are mad and think twice about throwing! I also give them alternatives when they are mad....like, you can hit the pillow or couch but you can't throw things...I think the important thing is consistency and that could take some time. Good Luck!

I am a mother of 3 children, ages 13,10 and 4 month old. It seems that "Michael" is getting mixed signals about who the adult is. He has figured out that with your in-laws he can control things and get his way, which doens't help when the parents try to enforce their own rules. I had a similar problem with my mom doing the same thing and as soon as it stopped and she agreed with me on everything, the children figured out that they can't manipulate the situation any longer. So, my advice, get all the adults on the same page and Michael will figure out that he is the child, not the adult. This worked for me and I know it can work for you. Good Luck.

Hi I.: I would first suggest that you engage your husband to have a serious, and well-defined talk with his parents. Figure out a way to say it that is not threatening, will not make her defensive, but will bring her on board. Again, I think it would be best if your husband speaks to her...It will probably be heard better.

I have a 3.5 year old boy that lately I have noticed when he does not get his way he throws things too. I have noticed mostly it happens when he is VERY tired. So, now I tell him that he is very tired and if he keeps it up he will have to go to bed early. Another things I do that seems to work, is when he throws what ever it is he wants open, I immediately take it away. Lastly, for punishment, I will take what ever he loves the most and hang it from our coat rack (for him to see) for a certain amount of time. Good luck!