Teens - Temple,TX

A COUNSELOR SUGGESTED A BOOK I HAD TO ORDER AT BORDERS. iT HAS BEEN EXCELLENT. i FEEL LIKE THERE IS HOPE NOW. iT IS PARENTING TEENS WITH LOVE &LOGIC BYFOSTER CLINE AND JIM FAY. IT IS MY SECRET WEAPON, DON'T LET KIDS READ IT !

Go on strike... Take a week and don't do anything literally, no cooking, no cleaning, no taking anyone anywhare, no getting anything. As a matter of fact if you have any relatives not too far away, go there for a week. I'll bet when you come back they will appreciate what you do more.

Take control of your house and your situation. You have two options for doing this. First of all, your teenagers have got to get respect for you and that means you need to be in a position of authority. No money, no rides, no food and they will get the hint. JUST START SAYING NO.

Make a responsibility chart. Each child has to be responsible for certain things and your 14 and 17 year-olds are more than capable. I was dusting, vaccuming, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms and making dinner by the time I was 14. When I went to college, my Mother hired a cleaning lady! If they refuse to work around the house make them (at least the older one) get a job. Make your 14yo do yardwork or other projects for an allowance. These kids need to learn the value of hard work so they will appreciate all you do.

Make up a recipe book with really easy stuff that your kids can make themselves. For example if you put two cups of chicken broth, half cup water, one cup of rice in a 9X13 baking dish, place porkchops on top of the rice, lay sliced onions on top, sprinkle with salt and pepper, cover with foil and bake on 375 for an hour, you will get a one dish meal to serve with a salad or other veggie. You get the point.

The other way to make them all appreciate you is to leave. Take the five year-old with you to a parent or sibling or friends house for a good five to seven days. Don't take phone calls etc. You will get a deserved break and they will see what it is that you do all day, especially when it is not getting done. Maybe your husband will have a new-found appreciation for you too...it will be a mini episode of trading spouses, but they won't even get one.

As for hubby, mine wasn't OCD but every once in a while, he would get on these cleaning frenzies. I realized it was just his way of working out stress (instead of going to the gym) so I just busied myself with other things and let him clean. I agree with other poster, don't take it personally, take it as a blessing! Good luck and God Bless you...it never hurts to pray for inspiration about how to handle each situation!

Hi T., I don't know if this applies to your children but I have this sign my husband bought at a garage sale that I hung up in our hallway when my girls were teenager, at first they smirked when they read it but it made a lot of sense to them later and I don't know if it really helped, but least my children started to behave better towards us.
The sign say: TEENAGERS: TIRED OF BEING HARASSED BY YOUR
STUPID PARENTS?
ACT NOW!!!
MOVE OUT,GET A JOB, PAY YOUR OWN
BILLS, WHILE YOU STILL KNOW
EVERYTHING.
Isn't that funny most kids that act that way with their parents wouldn't even know how to go and applied for a job. But they think that they know it all. T. I'm no expert but right now I have my little ones working for their money, I made a chart and I told them that if they did everything in the list without me having to remind them,I would pay them $1.00 but only if they did it without being told and at the end of the week I would pay them their total earning but if they misbehave I would deduct off their pay for their bad behavior, and if they didn't want to get their total at the end of the week I would be their bank and save it for them. So when we would go to the store they could spend it in whatever they could afford and they also had to make sure that they would have enough because I wasn't going to pay for their taxes. My son doesn't quite understand what taxes are but he's learning because just like you, I am tried of being unappreciated for all I have done in my household, see this way they will know how much I have done for everyone including my husband. One Sunday morning we were getting ready to go to church but like usual my husband get up and sits in front of the TV and does nothing to help me get the kids ready but then he had the audacity to tell me "Why do you always like to go late everywhere we go" Oh my lord, when he never combs the children hair, never line up their clothes, or even makes sure that they have brushed their teeth and wash their faces. That's when I felt that he too, doesn't appreciates me, so now I wash everyones clothes but I just hand them their clean clothes and say, here now you can do what ever you want with these clothes but if I find them on the floor there will be some deductions taking place and your money will be short. So don't expect me to pitch in to what ever your wanting to buy and that's the bottom line. This is teaching them how to do for them self how to work for what they want and most importantly it teach them responsibility. So far it has been working for me. Good luck T., hang in there I have been where your at before. I will pray for you.

My five are 24, 28, 31, 34, and 35, they really never get over it. If you want to go somewhere without getting their"emergency" calls (do only on occasion or you will end up with a self-imposed guilt trip), leave your phone turned off when you leave. I found that they survived til I got back home. As for being their "slave", put your foot down, on them if necessary, otherwise you will be a lifetime doormat. I didn't learn this until recently and had to start using "tough love" this late in my life-easier if you start earlier.

T., take a breath. I don't have your same concerns, so I don't know if I can make relevant suggestions, but I feel your frustration loud and clear.

It's almost the weekend--do you have the option of leaving them all to fend for themselves (your husband in charge) for a few hours? I'd definitely make arrangements to spend the day--or even just morning or evening--away from it all. Get a room at a hotel and spend the time enjoying a candlelight bath with a book. Watch a good movie. Have a glass of wine.

I swear by Valerian. While you wait for the weekend, have some each morning/afternoon to give you a naturally-induced sense of calm.

Let your husband know that since he cleans up after you that you will just leave it for him and use that time to rest so you won't be so tired. You need to set some boundries with your children. You are not doing them a favor by waiting on then. They will be crippled in the real world if they fail to learn how to cope on their own. I'm not saying never do for them but do set boundries.

QUIT trying to make them happy!!! Make it obvious to them that they are behaving like bratty little kids...and turn your phone off. YOU are enabling them to continue thinking of themselves as far more important than anyone else around them!!! MAKE them do a major part of your daily chores around the house...they are making a major part of the mess each day, right? You may even need to tell them that you want to leave when they are so demanding and selfish. DON'T whine...be firm and let them know that this behavior is NOT going to continue. As to your husband...maybe you two need more time together...maybe you need some counseling? I have found that in order to be the help my huband and kids need me to be that I must first take care of myself at least somewhat. It is ok to have a little "ME" time...infact, it is needed.

WOW!!!! I really wish I had more to say than.....NO!!!!!!! I have a 10,9,5,3 y/o 2 boys and 2 girls. I don't do dishes anymore. I cook...the 2 oldest ones take turns. They also take out the trash, clean bathrooms, fold laundry and vaccum. It was sudden for them because I got tired of doing it all. My husband helps too....and that was a big step for him. You are the MOM.......don't let them run your life........you are suppose to lead theirs!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Hi, T.,
I can relate to what you are feeling. As women we take care of everyone else and then we get burned out. I was a full time social worker (working with troubled kids!) with two kids
and a husband and LOTS of housework. I was so irritable and no one seemed to care about the messes around the house or the laundry, etc. On top of that I do all of our finances...STRESS!!!
Okay...One tearful night at dinner I told my family how I felt. Be clear with your husband and kids that about what you need. They need concrete, clear directions.
"Please pick up your dirty clothes and take them to the washer" (for example). Sheesh!!!
You'd think they'd know this on their own, but they don't.

Just realizing that it's not as important to them as me helped.
My kids are also demanding, but I realize that it's because I have always done so much for them. It is never too late to change your family dynamic and rules.
Also, talk with your husband alone. Be calm and tell him how much you need his support and added direction with the kids. Some families use a chore chart.

Also, summer vacation just started-Yikes!-and everyone's routines have been disrupted.
Hang in there, T....it will get better.
I have fantasized before about getting a little apartment by myself and leaving them. I just do this to make myself feel better. I love them DEARLY, as I'm sure you probably do.

Do not tolerate any cussing or yelling from your kids. I know my kids tried this and I told them that it is unacceptable and I won't tolerate it!
Let me know how it's going.
Good Luck!
D.

Can i run away with you???!!!!

My husband has OCD as well. Let him clean, and don't take it personally. Let him fuss. Sit down and explain to your older 2 that they have to start taking responsibility for themselves for many things. Give them an allowance. They don't have the money, they don't have the money. I've already done that with my 7 year old, and it stops the whining fast. My cousin did this with her teenagers. They had a clothing allowance, gas allowance, etc. They had their own budget. Make sure food and drink are accessible and let them get their own stuff. If you have to put limits, then do so. Just make sure they can get to stuff and they know the limits. Begin a list of chores for all 3 kids. Even if it is just one thing per week that they are responsible for. You can even ticket them when it is not done - make them do one of your chores if you had to do theirs, or take money away, etc. Don't leave your family - Just take a break, breathe, prioritize, organize, delegate, and take some time for yourself. My husband and I each take an hour a week minimum that is just for ourselves. My husband will play drums. I will either leave for icecream or read or something. Sometimes, it will be for an evening. But, you have to have time to yourself. You also have to have time for you and hubby time. Start a schedule if that helps. Be flexible, but don't delete - just be willing to rearrange. I'm sure you've done a wonderful job - but you've been hovering over your children for too long. Stop the hovering -start teaching and delegating and leaving alone. They need you, but they don't need you all of the time. They need you around, but they don't need you doing everything. Don't leave, just change things around now. Explain things to them, how you've been feeling, that you need their help, etc. Then, just do it! And enjoy - no guilt - it's time. You're a teacher by profession - you know how to do this. Give yourself a lesson plan and follow it. (Tuesday night is ..., 1st Fridays..., 7:00 is ..., etc.) Shoot, by the time I was 14 I was responsible for cooking one meal per week for the family. I always washed the dishes and took care of the dog. I mowed the lawn at times and took out the trash. My mom made it clear that she wasn't my servant, and if I wanted a glass of milk I knew where the frig was, etc. I love my mom and respect her highly. I wasn't abused or overworked. I didn't have all those chores at once. But, I helped out around the house and my mom did a lot for me as well. But, she also took time for herself. And by the way - for the things that my husband is constantly worrying over - or redoing - then that particular thing became his chore! I would help him out only when he couldn't get to it. But, if he was going to redo what I did anyway - then I just let him do it. YOU CAN DO THIS! Call a family meeting and let them have input on how things can change and what they would be willing to do to help out. Also, you need to talk to your husband privately about being yelled at and cursed out. If it is him, he needs to stop. If it is your children, then he needs to unite with you in stopping it. Don't allow it. Punish every single time it happens. Explain that you've allowed it far too long and it won't happen anymore - or there's the door - even for the 5 year old.

First of all, you are allowing this behavior to go on for to long. They are the children, you are the parent and you need to re-establish that fact right away. Children are respect their parents. Yelling and cursing at you is totally unacceptable.
The first thing you need to do is strip their rooms clean. remove all tv's ipod, computers and video games. Inform them that until they can treat you with respect, the only thing you are going to provide them is a place to sleep, and food to eat. When you take them school shopping, take them to Goodwill. Take them on a field trip downtown to work in the soup kitchen, then they will see how blessed they are. Don't take them anywhere or do anything for them. They will see how much you are needed and how you should be treated with the respect you deserve. Don't give in, stick to your guns. If I remember when I talked back to my mother, she would pop me in the mouth. I can't even imagine what she would do to me if I yelled at her or cursed her. She probably would have killed me on the spot.

You need a vacation! And your kids need a reality check. I would tell them when you leave the house if they call and its not an emergency they're grounded. (you've gotta stick by it though).. Do your kids do anything to earn the money you give them, chores, etc? If not, then make them, that will take some house stress from you. And if they don't do it, then it helps you financially b/c you don't give them $$.

My sister in law was going thru this with her kids (minus the cursing). What she did is she took away ALL of their electronic devices, phones, IPOD, computer, everything for two weeks. She put them away where she wouldn't be tempted to back down no matter what and grounded the kids for two weeks. For those two weeks she didn't cook for them, do their laundry, take them places, nothing.. they had to do it. She wanted to teach them how much work they create for her and it worked. The kids, though still bratty, are much more respectful of their mom and helpful around the house.

Wish MY hubby would clean behind me. haha His mom is OCD so he's always mad about the house not being perfect. I have four girls ages 1-5 and all they do is make messes.

My mom, when I was about 15, decided she wasn't going to be our mom anymore. I really don't think we were that bad as we hardly ever got anything or went anywhere anyway. LOL But I guess that was part of the problem. Anyway, she said that she wouldn't leave but she wouldn't mother. No advice, no driving us, no money, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. We were on our own.

That really hurt that she did it, but I understand now why she did. Maybe you could try something like that.

When you get the actual nerve to go, contact me. I will go with you!!!!!! I too have the exact situation as you. The only exception is that my three boys are going on 10 years old. Triplets! One with servere ADHD. My husband has OCD maybe not to the extreme as yours because he doesn't go hehind me and correct it, he just complains if it's not to his satisfacation. I also have two beautiful daughters. One is a mother herself of two. Both girls are out of the house on their own with their families.
The reason I'm writing to you is that it is perfectly normal to want to LEAVE. I have thought of it many times. I keep saying "one day" it's going to happen. But I really know I can't do that because I know it is my responsibility to stay. So I just keep that "one day" in mind and know it will be mine soon.
I wish I knew the answer for us but I guess we need to do what a lot of my friends have suggested and start thinking of yourself and do for yourself.
Mainly, I wanted you to know your not alone in your feelings.
Good luck my friend.
PC

Hi T.,

First, I really feel your pain! I have been in a similarly miserable place before, only with fewer people ordering me around, as I only have one kid, and i am sure that during high-stress times of the academic year (I teach too), I'll be back there again. I have done several things that have helped me to feel less like Cinderella in the past year -- it is a strong belief of mine that lots of things help some, but no one thing is going to be "the answer." So i do a lot of things and usually whatever is troubling me shifts. I got some therapy for my 5 year old daughter, whose high energy level was definitely one thing that was stressing me out, and was able to get my husband in for a few meetings with a good, calm, gentle therapist, which helped us to make a few new ground rules about how we BOTH would deal with some of the kid's behavior problems. It was amazing how much our daughter improved once we were both on the same page. I started attending CoDA meetings -- meetings for people with codependence -- who are overly directed toward taking care of others, and I got a HUGE amount of relief from that. I totally blamed my husband and my daughter for my emotional pain, but it turned out that when I wasn't as obsessed with taking care of all their needs, they learned to take care of themselves better and I was able to use some of the time this freed up to do things for me -- I've gotten about five manicures and three massages, and had my hair done about four times this year so far!! For me, that's really incredible! I also go out for dinner with a friend once a week, and just getting out to 12 step meetings helps me to unplug a lot. It seems like wanting to just run away is a pretty clear indication that I am not getting breaks -- if I can take regular breaks to do things I enjoy and that relax me, then I don't feel as much like I want to run away and never come back, because I don't feel trapped. I've also started meditating for fifteen minutes most mornings - that is an incredible discipline -- to just sit and quietly count my breaths and let my family members get on with it without me for fifteen minutes. if my daughter comes in and nags at me, I just say "I'll be available in fifteen minutes" and get back to it. it's amazing how taking just a little for me gives me so much more to share with my family. I hope something in here helps!

M.

It all depends on what you are willing to do. What if you went to a hotel for a weekend and left hubby and teenagers in charge of five year old. You could get a break and collect your thoughts.
Have you seen where some people empty out a child's room except the bed and make them earn all of it back. In this case it could get worse before it gets better. Make them do what they ask you to do all the time, to earn back their things. I had a counselor give me this advice and my child doesn't sound as hard on us as yours to you.
Don't forget to pray. The Lord will guide you as you search through these responses and you will know what to do.
No matter what, you should take a weekend away and let you honey deal with things for a couple of days.

Go on strike. Don't do anything. If you have to go stay at a hotel for a few days and leave a note saying that they need to shape up and start helping around the house if they want anything. When you aren't home and don't want to be bothered turn off your phone. My boss and I were talking about this the other day. He was telling me that when their sons were basically treating her like a maid that she went on strike and told everyone that she would stay on strike unless there were some changes. At first the boys were resistant but after a day of her not doing anything they realized she was serious. It's been pretty good sinse. They all have chores they do and earn money for it and that is the money they use to go do things instead of mom giving them her money for free. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you

Hi T.: I have a few ideas...

1.) Empower yourself with the right to say no. And tell your children that you don't feel like they appreciate the efforts you make for them. Tell your husband that you don't feel appreciated. Get some housekeeping help; tell your husband that you need a break. Empower yourself to tell him that you're making some changes and he needs to support your decisions. (Its not a request... You're not asking permission.)
2.) Take advantage of school being out for the summer and sign your oldest kids up for volunteer work, like at the food bank, humane society, etc. Sounds like they need to be enlightened about how privileged and blessed they are which the things they take for granted.
3.) I would think that your 17 yr old is mature enough to babysit the other 2--? Maybe once a week, you should treat yourself to an afternoon off.
4.) Do something to relieve your frustration because you don't want it to fester and cause you bitterness or resentment.

well you could go on strike. That would give you a break and then they would have to fin for themselves. You would not be the first Mom to prove a point. More Moms out there should to the same. just remember to breath, you have to breath!!! God bless.

It sounds like you need some quality time for yourself, uninterrupted. Why not take some time away with girlfriends or family members. Take a girls' only trip for a weekend and time it to when dad will be home to take care of the kids. They may surprise themselves (and you!!) when they figure things out themselves.

T. - I feel your pain. Sometimes you do need a break - time away for yourself and while you are gone - I have one piece of advice that has helped more than anything to restore my insanity at home with the kids - buy a book from the folks at The LOVE AND LOGIC Institute and implement their ideas. I am sure you have heard of them being in the teaching field. Their concepts and ideas of giving your kids problems back to them to handle has made a world of difference in my household. Granted I do not have teens yet but I sure did feel like you prior to learning about the Love and Logic parenting style. It has worked magic in my life personally.

Just wanted to share. Good luck and hang in there. May the force be with you!!

My heart goes out to you. But, you must take control. You are the mother, the authority figure and and hopefully it is not too late for the little one to learn who's boss. You know you are the boss right? The oldest child needs to get a job during the sumemr or after school so he or she knows what a hard earned buck is. Make the second oldest do chores around the house and make it mandatory. What are older children for?...lol. They need to pull their weight, plain and simple, so that you can concentrate on your youngest who needs the most attention right now. Last but not least, with older children, you can leave the house and have some time for yourself....explain to them you will be gone and to call their father if they need anything. This is important for your sanity. Do not let children run over you. You are the adult and it is time out for being a prisoner to children YOU GAVE BIRTH TO. Take a stand! best of luck!

hunnie, you need to go on strike. you might want to go see a counselor to help you remember how to stand up for yourself. i am so sorry you are having such a struggle, but your situation sounds very familiar for these times. you obviously extremely strong to have survived this type of treatment, but saying NO is so freeing. so, hang on, please talk to a professional (this just helps you see for yourself that you are not crazy for feeling this way) and remember how strong you are and be proud of yourself! i will be thinking about you. xoxo

I am with you sister. I felt the same way this morning and can't wait for School to start. I have three teens at home and a 5 year old and a three year old. My boys will be going to College in the fall. I get the same thing everyday. They don't cuss at me but I feel like their emotional punching bag anyway. Bottom line its somewhat our own fault becasue we have allowed it. Mine are gonna get a lecture tonight and it will probably be a tearful one. All of mine are good kids but sometimes it's alot to handle. My 18 yr stepson is just satying with us a few days a week since he took a job near us. Hang in there and just let em know to cool it before you go on strike!! Also stop them from the disrespect because you don't deserve that - nobody does!!!

awww sweety...I feel for you. I HAVE BEEN THERE. I sought the advice of a doctor who suggested I see a therapist who put me on a very low dose of an anti-depressant. Just enough to give me something to lift my spirits. It helped.

If you are totally against using medication, you might also try just talking to a family and marriage counselor.

Also...tell your family you are breaking away..and treat yourself to an all day spa somewhere. Go get a facial, mani, pedi, massage. Treat yourself and remember, the MOTHER has needs too.

I think you are being that Mother that CAN do everything. But that doesnt mean you should. You have 2 olders kids that can fend for themselves. I think you need to start to change the rules at home, or things will continue the same way.

Good Luck!

you want to run away! you don't realize the blessing you have to have those problems. there are people who would love to have the children you have, period. you sound like you need to get a grip, get some structure in your household. being a teacher you should have the skills to do this. please thank God for your children! i can't have much sympathy for a women who can't appreciate the gift it is to have a child. having known so many women who can't or who have taken 10+ years to even get pregnant is sad to hear a women of your age to say such a thing. maybe you should be the one to get some medication for help or at least counseling.

Here are some resources, and if you'll respond with your address, or call me at my desk line ###-###-####) I'll send you a free packet of parenting teens articles and tipsheets (from our non-profit family services agency in Houston, Collaborative for Children):
Positive Discipline for Teens, Jane Nelson.
Chores Without Wars, Jane Nelson
Teen Tips, Tom McMahon
Regards,
D. Bradford
###-###-####
____@____.com

Hi T.,

Just take it easy. First of all, if your hubby is going to clean after you, then transfer the cleaning duties to him, or split them down the middle to relieve some of your load. Then you get your 14 year old to do your half of the cleaning, to earn some extra money. Tell your 17 year old to get a job, but in the meantime make sure they can drive. This way, you have them having to run grocery errands (when there is a food shortage) and picking up the dry cleaning, ect. It's suppose to get easier as they get older remember!! Yes, I know we must still parent and make sure they are safe, but we are also suppose to teach them to be able to care for themselves and be strong individuals! At the rate you are going, they will never be able to survive on their own without constantly depending on you. Let them know that if their bickering needs do not have anything to do for school, like a book from the library or they ran out of pencils, that it is not an emergency! You must learn how to not let them take advantage of you. Be strong and be firm!

Good luck!

Go for it! Run away for a couple of days and leave your dh behind with the kids. Let them sort it out for a couple of days and go regroup! There is nothing wrong with getting time to yourself. You will gain some perspective and every single mom on the planet needs a break. I have run away a couple of times and you would be amazed at the amount of appreciation you will receive upon your arrival. LOLOLOLOL

You seem to know exactly what the problem is. You should fix it. I would start by going on a week long vacation alone. If you can't afford one, stay at a friend's or camp out in the back yard. Let them fend for themselves and see how much you do for them. When you get back, announce that they are old enough now to have more responsibility and follow rules. Get out a big poster with the new rules...whatever has been driving you crazy(fix your own snack, take out the trash, daily housecleaning, no whining, etc). Take away all their prized posessions (phones, iPods, TVs) and let them earn them back by following the rules. They have to earn money and privileges, too. Assign a value to everything you want done around the house and use it as currency. For example, unloading the dishwasher is worth 20 minutes on the computer, mowing the yard is worth $15, a day w/o whining is worth a fun night out...I teach 9th graders. Believe me...stick to it and it will work!!! Good Luck.

Whoa! First of all you and your husband need to sit those teens down and lay some ground rules - sounds like you are raising some irresponsible, spoiled kids. They should be doing chores and take more responsibility around the home and for their own issues. You need to say 'No" more often and if they call you and it is not an emergency - cell phones should be taken away for a day. Sounds like they have you figured out and have all the control - time to take it back, to set example for the 5 year old.

Hi T.,

Why don't you give yourself permission to take a weekend or more off. Sometimes, just getting away for a few days of R & R is just what is needed.

Don't ask permission from anyone else in the house, make your plans and tell them.....do you have a girlfriend who might need to just sit by the pool somewhere, or like me, my best friend doesn't have kids, so I just go stay with her for a few days and we just piddle.

Hey, if your husband vaccuums daily, let him do it!!!! Don't try and satisfy his problem, just let him do the cleaning and vaccuuming.

I guarantee, if you check yourself out of their lives every once in awhile, they will appreciate you and what you do. I also suggest that you let your husband and kids know that you expect them to keep up the house, dishes, etc....after all there's four of them and only one of you.

Good luck,
Debra

Wow! You have gotten TONS of responses! I just had to add mine in too! Almost every response you've gotten says the same thing.....TAKE A BREAK. Now this many moms can't be wrong. Most of all don't give up on your kids, they really do need you. Talk to them. Make them understand that you are only one person. If all else fails start treating them like they do you...when they are with their friends, call them constantly asking things like are they having fun, where is the remote, just all sorts of random things. then ask them how they like being pulled in all different directions! I started out doing everything for my kids mainly because it was so much easier to do it myself. When my 10 year old didn't even know how to sweep up the mess he'd made, I realized that I was doing nobody any favors. It is my job to turn them into productive adults. They HAVE to know how to care for themselves.

Good luck. I've always said that it was easy being a mom but this parenting is hard!

Hi T.,
You do need to get away! I birthed 5 children and adopted 3 who are the same ages as my 3 middle children. I now have most of them in college, I have 2 grads from high school and with all that said, I too run everyone around and feel much of the same way you are feeling at times. However, my kids do not cuss at me nor yell at me. So, I suggest you call one of your best friends and take a trip to either visit them or go together. I would go on strike and stop catering to all their wants and go get a massage and pamper yourself! Goodness sakes you are a teacher too, great job but you need a break from kids! At least every week you should have a "me" day planned and you can go to a movie or do whatever you want without any calls. You will be so glad and eventually they will too. I hope this helps! K.

T.,

I'm right there with you girl. I've been married now for 15yr. We have a 14yr. old daughter and a 12yr. ADHD son. My husband is also OCD. And while I love my family very much, I don't think I taught them how to love me back. Too busy catering to their every little wim. lol And although what I am about to say is no laughing matter, please forgive me if anyone reading this is offended, but in today t.v. world of "reality T.V." maybe someone should make the next one be...."Your mom is dead, know what are you going to do?"....and of course we won't really be dead, just on a gettaway to some remote island somewhere watching how sad they would really be and when we return home maybe then they would realize how not important there request on us really are, and learn to apperciate all we do and have ever done. Sound's like a good program. I'll go first and let everyone know how is works out. LOL Oh yeah maybe I should have this copyrighted. Where is the symbol for that on this stupid keyboard. Well I'll keep looking for that and you just hang in there in the mean time.

Tough love lady. Dont leave fix the problem. When they start calling dont pick up but listen to the message incase of an emergency. When they say I need money say get a job. When they say I need to go here or there say get a ride, can so and so come over...not today, nothing to eat...bet you could whip something up so the 14 and 17 yr old are well old enough to be learning to take care of them selves and helping out around the house. My husband also never thinks the house is clean. I let him clean up. If thats the way he wants it then thats the way he can make it if he grouches I try my best to ignore him. Your teens need to be washing there own clothes, helping with chores, and be free from asking you for things. When I was 16 I had a part time job and did all my own laundary. I was the youngest so by this time I was also taking out the trash, dishes, and taking all the dirty clothes hampers to the laundary room. I was very independent from my parents only asking/ letting them know when and were I would be. Its time for you to teach them to be independednt not run away. Good luck and God bless.

Morning T.;

Run Baby Run!! Nooo Just Kidding!
There are times in all our lives that we want to Run!
You do need "Private" time! Cut the cell phone off when you
leave to go somewhere! After all we didn't have cell phones
for 100s of years, just in the last 20 years have we been
attached to these things!
They will leave messages and when you feel like it you can
check your messages and ignore 99% of them!
If they ask you why your cell phone was off, just tell them
you were in the library and had to turn it off because the librarian requested it!! O.K. so that's a lie, but, who cares,
a person has to have their "Free" time!
The 17 and 14 year olds are truly capable of fending for themselves, the 5 year old, well that's a different story!
Also, recognize that your husband cleaning after you is his
problem not yours, so ignore that also, if he has this cleaning bug, what the heck, let him clean, just don't do it
first,that way he can clean where ever he feels like it and
it won't be done twice!
I wish you the best of being YOURSELF! They can either like
it or lump it!!
Good Luck,
B. C

you need to find time for yourself starting today so you don't go crazy..running away is not going to solve the people because then you will feel bad if you do and you know you love your family...your two older sons are old enough to watch your five year old while you find 30mins a day to relates..(a nice bubble bath, etc..)if that don't work take your five year old son and go for a walk or to the park,..while putting the others to work if they need money for this or that ..i grew up with three brothers and boy are expenses..and i'm sorry instead of them yelling they need to be thanking god for you..and not leaving them along time ago..fix it or they are going to think thats okay to talk to a lady..respect comes first so play the touch love cards...also if your husband is going to clean up behind you then don't clean go relates...you need time for yourself..and last just remember the five your old need your help before it's get to the point where its out of control..keep him busy in a positive way so it can help him force better ..no tv unless you both or exericing or watching a move together...find time for you...find time for you...

T.,
Don't leave....just quit. Sounds like you're killing yourself trying to make everyone else happy. Let them do for themselves and see how it feels. If your husband cleans behind you, why bother to do it yourself? Girl, if it was me, I would just stop.

Gosh my heart goes out to you! I also teach and have 3 teens, and a husband who is a minister so is very busy all of the time. It sounds like you really need to take some time for just you - maybe get a relative or good friend to watch the kids and just have some time away - with your phone turned off! We are going through a very hard time with our 16 year old and have gone to counseling as a result of it. It has really helped to talk with someone outside the situation. I would recommend that even if your husband won't go. I will keep you in my prayers!

First of all, running away from the problems won't solve anything. When you get back...problems still there!!

Try going on "strike". Stop picking up after everyone, stop doing their laundry, stop cooking, etc. When your husband gets home and the house is upside down, tell him that this is what "doing nothing all day" looks like.

Your children are all old enough to help out around there. The 17 yr. old needs a job to make money to pay for his/her own needs and wants. The 14 yr. old can help with household chores and pay an allowance so that he/she can pay for the needs/wants.
Even the 5 yr old is old enough to dust or help fold clothes.

You are their mother and you make the rules. You are a teacher right? Do you let your students walk all over you like that??

I only wish my vacuum would fit in my husband's hand!! LOL

T., there is a book called Boundaries that would give you some really good advice and help you to start letting your kids hear the word "no." You can buy it in most book stores and Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

I feel the same way just hang on you only have one more year with the 17 year old, and the 14 year old is just at that selfish age. Just keep telling yourself one day they will look back and truly appreciate all you do for them. ( when they have children!) Hang in there and email me anytime. I am in Seabrook.

Good Morning T.,
as I was reading your situation it really struck a cord with me when you wrote that you get yelled and cursed at! I surely hope this is not coming from your kids, it shouldn't be coming from your husband but definitley not your children. I am a mother of a 15year old son and I have two teen aged step sons, 14 and 15yoa. I have always tried to instill responsibility and independence in my son from an early age. Once he started school, thank God for the teachers, it was "his" responsibility to let me know he had homework, papers that needed signing, money for events, etc. This went on throughtout elementary and believe me I always knew what was going on. He was told to not wait till the last minute to ask for money or have papers sign because I wouldn't do it and he would suffer the consequence. Why it worked so well in elementary and not in high school has dumbfounded me! Even now when he forgets, he suffers the consequences by not getting the credit he needed and having to make it up with extra homework, no money, etc. This is also preparing him for the "real" world, to take responsibilty for your own actions and not depend on "mama" to rescue you.

So with that said, I would start by bringing the family together and having a discussion. Talk about how overwhelm you are feeling, how you feel more like a maid instead of a mother and solicit their help. Set guidelines and rules for your children, prepare them to be more responsible. It's never to young or too late.
Then have a separate talk with your husband and laid it on the line. Let him know how you are feeling, stray away from finger pointing ot talking in such a way that he becomes defensive, but do let him know your concerns and feelings. At the same time please do not allow your husband or your children to make you feel like a maid or worthless. Take care of you so you can "help" take care of your family, they in turn must "help" take care of you as well.

Take care and good luck.
S.

Grab the bull by the horns and put a stop to this nonsense. Escaping is no answer. PRAY so that God will give you what you need to face the situation. Immediately, put a STOP to the yelling and cursing. That is completely unacceptable. Don't let them run your life. Remember, you are their mother and they all owe you respect. You can do it!
It's unreasonable to even think that you are supposed to "fix" their unhappiness. And you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Make a decision that if he wants to re-vacuum, so be it. You know he's got a problem. Let those things roll off of you and don't let them bring you down. Hang in there!

I don't think I can say it better than Leslie W. TAke a break and if your husband can't handle you being gone for a week TOUGH..... You need to make of list of all the chores and figure out who can do what....now about the yard...you can pay him if you want I personally feel if you are to live in my house mowing the lawn is part of living in the house. I don't pay you to do that...now if one of the children want to mow a neighbors yard to earn money go right ahead..... If they don't do their chores then take privileges and luxeries away. Eventually, they will have no toys nor distractions and they will begin to learn what boredome really is...In todays generation, we give kids way too much too early..cell phones...why do you need them - I know it is easier for parents too...we can call when you we want to pick you up...well set a time you will pick them and be there or else lose another privelege...Video games, ipods - go out side and ride a bike or help mom and maybe you will get a little freedom...IF they don;t learn chores how do you think will raise their future familes if they don't know how to fend for themselves.
Here is a portion of our list - 16 Year old son and 8 year old daughter
Examples of chores:

Son - mows grass at least once a month

Both - feeds dogs - take turns every other day

Son - washes, dries all his clothes - he learned when he ran out of clothes.....

Daughter - she has to seperate her clothes into piles and hang them when they are done..no washing yet...

Both - rooms are clean before you leave the house period and before you go to sleep..we will wake you up in the middle of the night to clean your room...it a twice to each child so far but it has been a long while - they hate being woken up in the middle of the night...

Daughter - vacuums the house
Son - mops the house
Daugher - unloads dishwasher - top shelf only - no knives
Son - unloads lower level - heavier items and knives

I know it sounds like allot but - my husband and I both work and the kids know when we say hey I need you to do this for me - there is no BUT, WHY, MAYBE LATER it is YES SIR, Yes MA'AM etc.....

They get privileges...Our son has a used truck that we bought for him because he is very responsible - We even pay for one tank of gas a month on the truck...
He mows grass for neighbors to earn extra money and helps his dad with work to earn extra money - we pay him more than we would pay for a regular employee but he learns he can earn money....

My daughter earns no moneyu right now and has no allowance...When she asks for something she gets it every other time... I still terach you don't always get what you want when you want it...I go back and but some stuff and save it for Birthdays and Xmas....She nows helps her brother with certain things and he pays her a dollar or two...she thinks she is rich...he thinks its funny its only a dollar...but neither realize the lessons they are already performing on their own....

Amen to what TamRa M said! Let your husband come home and start cleaning! Gives you a little time to rest. I've got four teenagers here. If they want to do something they get a job! Your five year can even help by picking up his/her own messes. Sounds like you have TAUGHT them to treat you like a maid. My kids do their own laundry (since they were 10 or so), can cook a meal when needed and each has their own chores. It is not too late. When a teenager has no clean clothes they will learn how to run a washer.

Dear Trace,

The problem with kids these days is they have too much & want
too much. You've made this very difficult for yourself. They
are old enough to be doing alot more than they are now if anything at all. They all sound like ungrateful brats & that
you are not appreciated at all. Take a break from all of it.
Visit family or just go & stay in a motel for a few days. After that it's time for change & I mean tough love. This in-
cludes your oldest child - your husband!! Don't sweat the small stuff & pray for peace in your household. Life is just
way too short. Good luck!

C.

T., I absolutely understand. I have 2 teens and one pre-teen. I also run a 24 hour daycare. So on top of my own family's requests, I have to meet the demands of many more and balance employees' issues. You know what, though no poll wants to admit we're in a recession, we all know that we are. Every situation is exacerbated. People are stressed and the economy has been contracting on this some 3 years now. Maybe even 4! Slow it down and take every moment one at a time. These teens working your nerves? Work theirs. Slow the hauling. Then they'll have to look at one another. They'll see that cursing will not motivate you to give one more ounce of yourself! Take longer baths. Cook more often...if you like to...its soothing to do things that require skill, contrary to popular belief. I've never had kids curse me and I just can't stand the language. I tell clients upon interview that whatever changes they need or concerns they have to make it my business...come to me and I'll MAKE it work. You don't have to curse to get my attention or go somewhere else. But not everyone has the same tolerance. Best of luck.

T., I would start out by telling you, that I would greatfully accept your husbands OCD. Let him do the vacuuming everyday! in fact I would stop vacuuming and just let him do it. don't be insulted... he has OCD, he can't help himself. There are much worse behaviors. I would let some of the chores fall on him if that is what he does! as far as the kids, the 14 and 17 sorry but you have created this situation by allowing it. Put your foot down and let them get used to the idea that mom is not a welcome mat to rub your feet on. asign them chores and limit when and why they can call you when you are out of the home. the 5 yr old you are responsible for! he is young and needs his mommy most of the time. Sounds like the kids might be spoiled and that makes it hard on you, and now that you have had enough, you are sick of them being spoiled, you will have to work hard at putting your foot down to turn it around. But you can do it! Please don't turn your back on this family that you have helped to create. just re-direct them into more appropriate behaviors and attitudes towards you and life in general. Then you can all be the one big happy family that you always dreamed of. Remember your husband can't help himself, use that to your advantage by accepting it and re-directing how you want him to use that energy. the kids can easily be shown that things are going to change by simply putting your foot down. Once things start to improve you will be glad that you didn't run away from them. A family can be the most precious and valuable resource. And a tremendous sense of pride and comfort! Best of luck working it all out.

I recommend you read Parenting with Love & Logic: The Teenage Years. Some of the book is a little cheesey; but it works. Basically it talks about putting responsibility back on the children. For example, your children call you to say they need money for this or that. You can reply with, "that sounds like fun. Do you have money to do those things? No?! I'm sorry, but I don't have money for that either. Maybe now would be a good time for you to think about getting a job." What steps are they taking to earn that money? Do they have part-time jobs or babysit? If not, what about at home? Are they helping to keep the home clean so it's less of a burden for you? They want to go here or there. We'd all love to just go everywhere too; but the cost of gas is crazy! Can they arrange rides or maybe share driving duties with another parent?

As for your husband, I would talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel when he comes right behind you and cleans again. If he won't seek medication for that then perhaps you could compromise. Maybe he'll clean when you leave the home or if you see he's coming in right after you again, perhaps you should take your 5 yr old to the park or just go get some YOU time. As for your son, what path are you taking with him? Is he medicated or are you taking a different approach? If you're able to this summer, enroll him in various camps that keep him busy during the day. I have a friend whose son has EXTREME ADHD. Granted, he's much older than your son, but he is medicated and literally runs 2-5 miles each morning just to help get rid of some of the extra energy so he's able to function better throughout the day. I'm sure your pedi can give you better advice since he's already familiar with your son.

Good luck! Don't forget to put responsibility of earning money and getting to and from places back on your older children. They will begin to behave more responsibly when you stop granting their wishes...but remember to stay calm.

Well, two options... 1. Get out... Take one of your best friends and go for a week vacation, turn off your phone till night time then you can call and say good night, make them realize that they need you.. This usually works.. If the 17 year old is not working, make him or her get a job, it'll teach them responsibility <Work for your personal needs>.. And try not letting them tall you what they are going to do, they should ask first.. it'll also make your husband greatful for what you do.. or 2. Go for help.. Not just you, but possibly the whole family... It usually does some good..