Teenagers, Money, Jobs and Responsibility?

Updated on March 15, 2010
K.I. asks from Lindenhurst, NY
6 answers

Hi ladies!
**Always have to put a disclaimer, so I do not get lots of people saying I resent this kid, because some people hear "step" and assume that means "new relationship"...not the case here...Stepson has been my Stepson since he was 5, I love him very much**

So, my stepson who has been living with us since he was 18 (last Oct.), has been trying to find a job since he moved in. We bought him a car, well we helped, in-laws paid for half, (he has to have it to drive to school, we do not live in the same school district and didn't want to make him switch schools his senior year) and pay for his insurance and his gas. We bought him a cell phone and said we would pay the bill until he graduates (B-day gift to him from us). He wanted to find a job, so badly, or so he claimed. We informed him that once he gets a job, we will continue to pay for his gas and most of his car insurance but that he would have to contribute, and pay $100 a month towards his car insurance, but that was it, and he was cool with that, acknowledging it was more than fair. He finally got a job at a Italian restaurant, right up the block from his school. They are willing to work around his choir and tennis schedule, and his church schedule (which is no working on Sundays and Tuesdays he has mutual). He wanted to get a job in a restaurant because he loves to cook and was very excited. His starting pay was $10.15 an hour, which is FANTASTIC for our area!!! He started last Wednesday...then worked Thursday and Saturday. Came home Sunday and informed us that he quit! He did not talk with us about it first---He just quit! He says he needs to spend more time on school work. He was very lucky to get this job...the job market here is very tough...and he just up and pissed it away...he didn't even make it, to see his first paycheck?

I am at a loss of what to say or think? Same night he told us he quit, he had his hand out and needed gas $. We do not make a ton of money...we are just barely scraping by and making all sorts of sacrifices so that he can do and have all these things. BTW-when he lived with his mom, we payed child support, but somehow she does not have to pay us child support now that he is living with us...called and told the state that he is living with us and they stopped having us pay his mom, but did not even mention that mom should now pay? Whatever...he is almost out of school, just 3 more months, so we are not going to push it. He just has no clue and does not give back to the family in any way. He does not help out with any chores around the house. He asked us for an allowance and we agreed upon a schedule and the amount of money he would make...which was $20 a week for doing dishes 2x a week, then either mopping kitchen floor OR cleaning downstairs family room once a week. We agreed upon this schedule at the end of January...so far we have only had to pay him $10 one time.

We need to teach this kid some responsibility...just at a loss of how to accomplish this? Also, just found out today that he OVERDREW his bank account once again! For those of you that have read my previous posts, that makes 2x in 5 months?
Opening up a bank account was a school assignment, or I never would have agreed...it is supposed to be teaching him about $...but when he opened this last letter from the bank showing what he bought that he couldn't afford he said "looks like WE made an accounting error"..........WHAT? There is no "we"......His dad and I put $ IN for his gas and his cell phone bill....we do not take any OUT!! He got a bit of an attitude with me when I said "there is no we, its only you"...and the 2 things he bought were both fast food, so its not like he just put in too much gas? Ya know? He has no concept of money...in his anatomy class, they have to dissect a fetal animal and he chose a fetal horse without even blinking an eye, even though he was given the price list and he could see that the horse was a bigger animal, thus costing $85, instead of the $15 for the fetal pig? IDK, what to think or do....help!!! Please!!!

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So What Happened?

Okay...just talked with him about it...he didn't actually quit..."they mutually agreed that he should quit"...so basically he got FIRED! It is a little sad but I feel better that he got fired rather than he quit for no other reason...better luck next time buddy! Getting the whole truth out of him was like pulling teeth!

More Answers

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R.J.

answers from San Diego on

Mantra: 3 more months. 3 more months.

Big ole hugs... this has been a hard year for you and your SS and family.

So... in line with the mantra... instead of trying to change everything right now (when by the time stuff is in place and working 1/2way smooth, the durn 3 months will be OVER)... why not use this time to plan ahead?

Come fall is he going to a CC? Eastern? Wazoo? UW? Trade school? Military? Apprenticing? Taking a "gap year" to work a joby-job? Going into any form of long-term employment? If he's leaving come fall, then really it's 6 months, and then *poof*, but if he's staying... then right after graduation it seems to me like the best time to start getting things set up for how you want your lives to look. AKA where he is in your lives.

I don't know... it just seems like wasted energy & frustration to try and change everything all in 90 days to have it turn around and have to change everything again as soon as he graduates. For ME... seems like a KILLER opportunity for a planning period, though.

1 mom found this helpful

P.W.

answers from Dallas on

Karma,
I do not want to give you a hard time, but I get the feeling you resent this kid. I understand he has disrupted your peaceful home so I do understand you feelings, but.......Let me tell you a secret.......raising a teenager is no walk in the park. AND, if the kid is suddenly dropped in his Dad's home with the second wife......the job just got a little tougher.......Let me amend that last thought. The job just got a lot tougher!

Forget about the past and who paid for what. This is your husbands son and if you make yourself the bad guy it won't go well. Get on the same page with your husband. Discuss with him your options. I would suggest you buy some books or go see a family counselor. Get some help and find a place you can agree. Then tackle this job together.

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K.C.

answers from Portland on

I'm kind of a tough love person so I'd cut him off. I'd repo the car and get him a bus pass, stop giving money for chores, etc. I see so many kids who have learned to manipulate over and over. I'd like to say I'm going to be strong when my son is 18, but who knows. My only experience as a high school teacher is that NOW is the time to really lay down the law because this pattern will continue until you and your husband stop giving him money. I'm wondering if chores should be mandatory instead of a choice to earn the gas money, etc. It sounds like he's ungrateful for it now, so maybe he needs more chances to earn all of his stuff instead of demanding and receiving it.

J.G.

answers from San Antonio on

growing up, I had to keep As and Bs in order for mom and dad to pay half my car insurance. With my part time job, I had to pay the other half, plus pay for all my gas. I kept good grades and was still involved with Church and school sports. What I'm saying is that it CAN be done. Sounds like he's been given too much, so takes it all for granted.

If you want him to keep the car, then he has to have a job to drive to. Can you guys drop him off at school? Maybe that will be embarassing enough for him. He could try and find a job within walking distance to school?

If you want him to keep his cell, then he must pay for half. Perhaps take off his texting abilities or limit his cell minutes. Cell phone companies can shut off the phone after you go over a certain number of minutes.

If he wants to use his Xbox, then he needs to finish schoolwork too.

To try to teach him the value of a dollar, perhaps his work choices can be working at home (chores) or working in school (better grades, get paid for grade improvment??, or working at an actual job).

Good luck. Sorry we don't have all the answers. It would be ideal if you guys could make a plan with his mother too, and you'd all be in the same boat hoping for the same goal for the son. Would that be at all possible? It's hard for a kid (even 18 yr old) to try to please both parents.

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G.R.

answers from Peoria on

I think it's past time that you son started taking some responsibility for himself. you are not doing him any favors by letting him live in this dream world. He is almost an adult and it is going to be a rude awakening when he gets out on his own unless you start teaching money management now. I am very surprised that he gets paid for doing home chores, he is definitely old enough to have a part time job to help pay for his own gas/insurance and if he wants extra spending money. Help him out and exercise a little tough love...he'll thank you later.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Gas money? I don't think so. Car insurance? Nope. CELL PHONE? Uh-uh. Sounds like it's time for this little prince's castle walls to come tumbling down.
Sell the car. Or park it with no insurance til he ponies up the dinero and make sure you take the keys. Drive him to and from school yourselves. I know it's less convenient but it might be REALLY motivating...

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