Teenagers! Keeping Them Away from Boyfriends/girlfriends....

Why is it that you feel you have to keep him away from her? Is she some sort of evil person? How do you know that she is pressuring him or that her friends are? Why do you automatically assume the worst?
Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Once you set the guidelines as far as the phone calls (ie he has to use the houseline to make his phone calls to his girlfriend and his cell phone is for emergency use only... or if he goes over in his minutes he has to pay for it either through extra chores or in cash if he has a little part time job). Have the girlfriend over for dinner once a week and see if her parents would be willing to do the same. That way they are getting to spend time together without having to be out of the house without supervision and you get to know her.
Have you had the sex talk with him? IF you have and you have covered all points, then you need to trust him to make the right decision. But don't be foolish...kids that young do have sex so have him go with you to buy condoms. If he isn't mature enough to buy them then he's not ready for sex.
It's not the school's responsibility to keep them apart. They are there for the academics and not the morals part of educating the child. I'm a single mother as well and it's not easy to be both mommy and daddy, especially to a son since we were never boys, but we have to do what we have to do. Just keep the conversation open and refrain from automatically punishing him or assuming that he's doing "bad" things with his girlfriend. If he doesn't feel like he can talk to you... well let's just say that you're more likely to become a granny soon.

I have an 18 year old son, and let me tell you that 18 is NOT the magic number for dating. Every child is at a different maturity level and it can not be measures by age. ALTHOUGH, 14 is very young! So....I've found that as long as you frequently instill good values and monitor him closely there is nothing more you can do. Restricting a teen can backfire on you and can make a relationship between a parent and child miserable. You want him to trust you and come to you for anything, so please be open and discuss the outcomes of certain behaviors. And if needed, you MUST teach him about sex and protection! He He! It is hard to accept that our teens are having sex, so it's best to teach them to protect themselves against STDs and pregnancy. Because if they want to do it, they will....times are definitely different now. Good Luck.

I don't know that I have wisdom beyond once being a teenager and remembering what that was like but I would still like to respond. Here's the thing...the more you try to control the contact the more he will be angry with you possibly end up rebelling and doing what you are fearing. You need to talk openly with him, explain and be understanding about how things happen, how peer pressure plays a part and how to be responsible for his own actions (especially with the laws and how a simple mistake can change your whole life). As much as he isn't ready for the world, it's out there and he makes those choices when you aren't there and you can't be there all the time (none of us can). You are a single mom and I can see that you need to play the part of mom and dad and I commend you on that, it's not an easy thing. The fact is you cannot control this but you can have open dialogue with him where you can express your concerns and do your best to equip him for what will inevitably happen and the more open dialogue the more chance you have of that happening later. He already knows that he can do what he wants and pay the consequences but he doesn't fully understand that and that's what you need to teach him.

maybe get him involved in big brothers or something to get that male role model-boys really need it and he may not be comfortable going to his mom.

Hey M.,

OK, listen to yourself, "His is a good kid", and good kids know what is right and what is wrong!! I'm a Mom with a 17 yr old son and 16 yr old daughter!! Trust him to know what you have taught him, set the rules and let me follow him!! Staying on him and limiting him in this way, will only make him want to rebel and trusting the girl that he likes more!! Yes I agree, being a single Mom is hard, but trusting that you taught your son right is even harder and something that you must have faith in!! Set the rules, make sure he follows then lossen the ropes Mom or you'll loss him!! Good Luck!!

V.

My opinion, the sooner you let them go out and do things with girls or groups, the sooner you will experience all the things us moms don't want our babies doing. I mean if you let him date now, then what will he be doing by the time he is 16? Yes, its normal for them to want to "go out" with a girl, but my son might have a girlfriend, but he aint goin no where with anyone until 16, the only place he can see her is at church youth. And dont fall under the pressure of being "the bad guy" who cares, you are watching out for your kid and using wisdom. He will be thankful for it later in life. Just keep open communication with him about everything.

Hi M.,
I'm glad your keeping him accountable. I took my two girls and will take my other two kids through an outstanding curriculumn called Passport to Purity by Family Life Today. I think they are out of Colorado Springs. The curriculumn is audio and it has a teen workbook and a parent book to go with it. It is said to go through it with the same sex parent if you can. So I will do all 3 girls and my husband will take my son through it. Is there a male at your church or at your private school who you and your son see as having Godly character. If so ask them if they would mentor your son through this book in a weekend. There are 5 lessons and they cover everything from peer presure to changes in your body to staying pure till you get married. If you need more information about it feel free to contact me. D.

You need to keep an open ongoing dialogue on sex, etc.. not just ONE talk about it and not just handing him books and expecting him to read them. He might look at the naked pictures and that is about it. Boy, I hate to say it but we were doing much more before age 14 but I also had parents divorcing and NEVER even got one sex talk. Also, keeping him from seeing her or holding hands, talking on the phone, etc.. will only make him A) want to do it more and B) rebel. This is a great time for him to learn about healthy relationships. I think it is perfectly normal for him to have a girlfriend and to hold hands. You just don't leave them unattended or put them in situations where they can't get out. The more involved you are in a postive way, the more likely he is to listen to what you have to say and even talk to you about "stuff".

I'm not there yet, so I am only giving my opinion based on being that age at one time. My Dad wasn't around and my Mom just assumed we would do the right thing. I will talk talk talk and listen listen listen to my kids.

Best wishes to you,
M.

Hi M., When I was 14 I had a "boyfriend" too but we didn't do a whole lot either. go to the movies, go to wendy's for something to eat, small kine stuff like that. I wouldn't worry so much. As far as the minutes on the phone-that is the best part about being a teenager, to talk on the phone to your bf or gf. I just think that you need to make sure that he knows about sex and to wait and reasons why-such as not being able to go to college and the money factor etc.
I am just speaking as a person that was 14 once and didn't do anything but a few boyfriends later I got pregnant(at 18) and we are now married and have 2 children. I wouldnt trade it for the world but it does make life more difficult as far as college and bills and whatnot.
Hope this helps.

what you need to remind his is the laws of sex, he is under age she is under age, if by chance they do have sex there could be more than being on restriction. You can't keep them from being together or taking it on the next level, what you can do is buy him condoms, in case he does, at least you know he is protected and no babies are on the way. The books I don't think books are going to help in his body changing, he knows very well by now what works as far as in the pants. I am 100% 200 % ( MOM ) he has locked himself in the bathroom locked his bedroom door, and well do what ever other 14 yr old boy does. Have a talk with both of them at the same time, not just him, let him know how easy to get pregnant, you have to act like this is not because of your ways but because they have there whole life ahead. Just ask them if ever they have reached the need to take the relantionship to the sex stage, they come to you first... Keep an open mind MOM

Good Luck

Hi, M.,

I understand not wanting your son to do everything and anything, esp. at 14. However, based on my experience teaching teenagers, trying very hard to prevent him from seeing or talking to his girlfriend on the phone might make him MORE inclined to do the things you don't want him to do! (I've found this true with adults, too.) Being the best, caring role model one can is about the best anyone can do to steer offspring in a desirable direction.

M., that is interesting about the girl's friends putting pressure on him... I really do think it would be helpful if at the school you had some kind of support. What is so wrong about asking the principal to hold a consciousness raising meeting, a peer-group possibly, so they can toss around their own opinions on pressuring others to do things that maybe they are not even ready to do? The other angle is that he is having a healthy relationship considering his biological age seems more mature than most kids his age.

Hi M.~
I'm not sure why you are being so tough on your son?? This is very normal and part of life. I do understand that you want him to be safe and not having a child at a young age. But maybe talking to him about values, how to treat women, how to be treated, and what to expect out of life would help more than just forbidding him to have a girl friend. If my mom just gave me a book, I would never read it! you have to talk to him. Its when he cannot be trusted because he lies, or sneaks out of the house, that rules and punishment come into play.
Talking to him about teen pregnancy and the life after. See what kind of a father he wants to be, and how he can achieve that. The pro's and cons about having a girlfriend soooo young. When he does decide to start having sex, to come to you first and talk about it. Now dont have a heart attack.... wouldnt you rather know and have him safe then be clueless in a closet? Teach him what condoms are for, safe sex and lowers the chance of pregnancy. That its not only the girls reponsibilty. How may girls does he plan to have sex with before he gets married, just to get him thinking. Ask him what he thinks will happen after they have sex, more complicated?? If he is being pressued into having sex, the "because you love me, you will do anything". Having enough self respect to wait..

Maybe try having the girl over more at your house, so you can see what she is really like. and you can keep a closer eye on them. Talk to them both about what a relationship means. Maybe they dont even know what it means. As long as he is still doing good in school, being respectful to you and doing chores that are assigned (if they are) then he is still a good kid! The more you forbid, the more he will want to rebell. I can see restricting phone calls if that is all he does after school, but do you think a few minutes a week is practical?? This is the time to get close to him and talk. And because he has no male in his life, make him long to talk to you and share his thoughts, fears, heart breaks and loves with you! You will treasure that forever. And maybe even share with him some of your mistakes growing up.... he may not say so, but he will listen and keep it in the back of his head.
I know these years will be tough, but the closer you are the easier it will be.............
Good Luck!!!
(sorry it was soooo long...lol)

Teenagers are the toughest creatures to deal with! My son had a girlfriend at that same age. I tried keeping them apart at first, even transferred him to a different school. It was like an addiction with them, and it drove me crazy! I finally decided I would need to get to know her,and her family.
You know- if you can't beat em, join em!
I thought she would be the death of me. I kept communication open with my son, and made my home open to them. At least I could keep an eye on them. ( or so I thought) After a few month's we all(Son, girlfriend, my husband and I ,and her parents) sat down and had the "Sex" talk. Of course they denied they were sexually active, but we gave them condoms in case they needed them. I thought we were all open and honest, however she got pregnant and they decided to keep the baby. I thought our lives were over! She had the baby when she was 15, my son turned 16 a month after the baby was born. Beleive me this is not the life that I had planned for them. BUT- they have stepped up to their responsibilities, and have been great parents. The bottom line is that you can do your best in teaching your kids good morals and values, but they do have a mind of their own.
I tell all my friends who have little ones to enjoy them now, because the teen years are the HARDEST by far!!
Good luck