Teenagers - Herriman,UT

Basically just listen. If there is something hurtful or very wrong going on then I would step in but keep listening. She is at least talking to you.
C. B

The only advice that I can give to you is advice that my mom gave to me. We are best friends and she knows EVERYTHING about me and what I've done throughout my life. I used to talk her ear off about stupid stuff when I was younger, but she always listened. She told me that if you don't listen to your kids about the small stuff they will not come to you about the big stuff. And it is true. She made me feel like everything I was going through was important to her and that what I said mattered. I know that it can seem trying at times and just wait until she is a couple years older. But even though it is hard I can say that having someone to go to about problems or question was priceless for me. I figured if she could listen to me talk about boys and mean girls. She would listen to me about feeling depressed and about sex and all that good stuff. Good luck and remember that the time you put in now will have an impact on your future relationship.

Can you be more specific on what the drama is???

Please remember that kids at this age are very dramatic anyway and when they are at school this is there life. When you go to work and things happen that either hurt your feelings or excite you, What do you want to do? Come home and tell someone in your home. My suggestion is don't fight this, except it. Set time out in your schedule that she can come home and vent on you about things that have happened, happy things that happened. Don't let this be something that drives you crazy because she will pickup on that and she will have something really important she might need to tell you and be afraid of your reaction. Remember: Kids need someone to talk to without being judge and most of the time, teenagers do not pick there parents.

Hi R.,
You've had some very good responses, especially from Sally W. and Deb K.

One word I see over and over is "drama". Helping her recognize what 'drama' is and asking her to ask herself how SHE is contributing/creating/encouraging drama in these exchanges with others can be the beginning of self-awareness within the social fabric. I see adults who, probably beginning at an early age, are addicted to drama in their lives. When you recognize your part in the drama and take reponsibilty for it you are no longer a victim of
the situations that push your buttons. You can't control others - only yourself.

I went through this myself when I was in 5th grade and thought it was the end of the world so listening is a good thing. Again I refer back to the good advice of Sally and Deb.

Good luck!

Drama is going to happen. And your daughter is at the age where a girl's self esteem starts suffering. Low self esteem among adolescent girls is at epidemic proportions and it often carries into young adulthood and beyond. And you CAN help her with that.

The biggest thing you can do is by being a good example. Don't say anything negative about yourself, even jokingly. Let her hear you say what you like about yourself. It's not being boastful, just honest and positive. Basically, you have to build your own self esteem to model for her how to maintain/build hers. She's going to follow your lead, even unconsciously.

Don't allow your daughter - or anyone in your house - to speak negatively about themselves. In our home, when someone starts talking down about themselves, we say "Stop! Cancel cancel" (cancel the thought). Praise her often but make it sincere. Tell her she is pretty, smart, good at things. Fit it to the circumstances. Sometimes I just tell my kids "you guys are great, thanks!"
Practice positive affirmations. It sounds really hokey, but it's really programming the subconscious mind to believe the good. It could be "I am an awesome person. I am smart and pretty. I am a good friend and my friends are positive, quality people." You do it, too. Whatever it is that you want to be like, tell yourself that you are like that (or that you are becoming like that, if it is more comfortable, like "I am a great mom" or "I am becoming a master of controlling my temper")

I know that this may not really sound applicable to your question, but when a person has good self esteem, the drama and petty things at school won't be such a big deal.

There's not much that you can do. Just listen and validate their feelings as much as you can without sounding condensending. Do make light of it. To your daughter, it's a serious matter. If you just lead her your ear, she'll calm down. Remember, acknowledge her feelings. Don't laugh at her feelings. If their are any serious issues, get a hold of her advisor or teacher or principal. Good luck !!!!

I highly recommend the book "Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr. gordon Neufeld. he talks about the phenomenon of peer orientation, and how it's important to make every effort to ensure your children stay family oriented, even through the teen years. It was an excellent and important read.
I also love "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." It helped me learn to respond to my children's drama without making them feel defensive or making me want to lecture. Perhaps your daughter just needs to be listened to and validated. . . saying things like "You are disappointed that plans didn't work out," or, "You wish she would be a more consistent friend," or "I can see you are trying to be a good friend," may be what she needs to hear to reassure her both of the legitimacy of her viewpoint and the unconditional nature of your love for her.
Both books are in paperback and could be valuable to you. Best wishes!

R.,

I feel for you!

How about responding with empathy, but letting her solve the problem? This diffuses drama pretty well. So she starts in with, "You'll never guess what happened to me . . ." and instead of getting sucked in you respond with, "How sad. What do you think you'll do about that?"

This shifts her into thinking mode instead of drama mode, and also sends her the message that you think she is capable of solving her own problems. What a great message for a teen to get!

Resist giving unsolicited advice, and instead be available. You could say, "Well, I have some ideas. Let me know if you'd like to hear them."

I don't have teens yet, but I do work with families on learning these skills through "Becoming a Love and Logic Parent" classes, where skills like these are presented. We all laugh and learn together. It's a tough job we do as parents! Best of luck to you.

C. Hoffman, Life Coach
www.EmbraceLifeCoach.com

I don't mean to sound insincere, but does she ask for advice? It may be she's just looking for a safe sounding board to sort out what's important and what isn't. Or she may really be needing help figuring out what everyone in her life is going through.

Try to see if there is a pattern to what she's talking about. Be more of a sounding board to how she is "feeling" about what's going on, not just the sound board for the latest events. Also, things like "What do you think you should do?" or "what can you do about it now?" helps empower her with choices and not feel such a slave to what others are experiencing. Talk about the consequences of those choices,

...and if you're a family of faith, encourage her to seek God's council too through prayer. She's entering a time in her life where she is trying to build solid relationships and sort out who she can trust.

Good luck, I have an 11 and 13, so I feel your pain! Often the emotions they explode with are really coming from somewhere entirely different than what sets them off. If you can somehow bypass the most recent and get to the real issue it helps too (like fighting with brother often comes from feeling overwhelmed that she has too much homework! I know, I don't get it either, but that' usually where it starts)

K.

R. G,
Count yourself very blessed that your daughter talks to you, many teenagers stop talking to their parents. I found it was much easier to handle the drama when I would not only listen but have my girls tell me what they think the solution should be and then I would give advise when I thought it was absolutely needed. This has help my 14 and 17 year old to learn and grow, it has also helped them to make better decisions. My 17 year old saved another girls life who was gonna end it just by talking. Talking is a very good thing.

My advice only touches one little piece of the drama: I switched my daughter to Christian School in anticipation of the drama, sex and drugs that she'd be exposed to in public middle school (We have sacrificed vacations, new cars, etc.).

Yes, middle school girls have sex, and I didn't want her trying to raise her hand to answer a question in science class while the girl next to her was laughing at her for being a geek and the boy next to her was making an appointment on his text message to have sex with a girl he barely knows. My nieces have actually experienced this.

We switched in 5th grade. She said that the girls are so much nicer there -- 7th grade now. Then when a few of her friends switched, they also said that the girls are so much nicer.

Like I said, this is one little aspect of a school decision, but it was important to me, 'cause my girl's an A+ math/science student, and I didn't want peer pressure to get in the way.

Sounds typical. Know your daughter's teacher very well (if you don't yet, get to know her asap). There's an old Sam Levenson joke (you may be too young to know who Sam Levenson was) about the teacher who sent parent notes home on the first day of school, saying, "If you don't believe everything your child says happens at school, I won't believe everything your child says happens at home." Most sixth grade girls are drama queens - hormones have something to do with it, among other things - so if you feel really concerned about a tale your daughter brings you, check it out with the teacher. The advantage of this is that the teacher has not one but a number of girls that age, knows what to expect, and can give you a different perspective on the things that happen among girls at school.

I used to teach middle and high school. Girls this age are just like that- drama queens. The world is always ending and everything makes them cry. I think you just have to live through it with her- and I hate to say it, but it might take a few years. Although you can try to help her put things in perspective, be careful not to diminish how she feels. We know as adults how silly and minor her issues may be, but to her they are the most important things in the world. Teenagers value their friendships and social life more than almost anything else. Try to think about how it is a good thing that she shares and confides with you. In a couple of years she may start keeping her problems to herself (especially if she feels you will just critcize) and then you'll have to worry and wonder what is going on with her. That can be scary because social pressures in high school can be very intense for some kids.

I have only boys, but we have had our share of drama. Maybe she just needs you to listen. I've found, sometimes the hard way, that not getting emotionally involved helps them to let go of the drama. Laughing at the silliness helps too.

I can relate so well to what you are saying. My daughter is 18 and she is a really big drama queen. I just tell her to try her best to stay out of the drama and this very small portion of her life will go by quickly. It is very hard not to want to be a mother and get involved, but I just listen and shake my head. Probably the best advice that I can give is to build up your daughter's self esteem and eventually she will laugh right along with you. I just listen to my daughter and assure her that this is just a stage in her life that she must go through. I made it and she is headed off to Oregon State in about 6 monthes.

Hi R.,

I have three teenage daughters and I work with teenage girls. They are not petty issues ... seriously. These girls are still able to shock me when I thought I couldn't be. We're talking upper-middle class kids (meaning these issues transcend socio-economic status) -- they are dealing with drugs, bullies, sex, pregnancy, STD, sexual harrassment, adults in authority behaving inappropriately, etc. Sixth grade is tough. They are now in an environment that is pretty much alien to them. If any of this stuff happened in their elem schools, they pretty much didn't know about it. Now it's in abundance. They have more difficult school work and more than one teacher assigning it. In most cases, they are getting up earlier. They are trying to fit in and they don't know if they are still kids and/or what's appropriate behavior.

Sorry for the long intro ... here's my advice. Make a set time every day for Mom/daughter time. Even if it's only 30 minutes. Let your daughter know she can tell you (and trust you) and ask you anything. Eat cookies, have a Starbuck's, whatever, but be attentive and leave the lines of communication open. I believe you will find that by starting this at her young age, it will pay off at least ten-fold during the middle school and high school years. You will be raising and guiding a young girl to be an adult.

Also, please do not "emotionally vomit" on your daughter. This is about YOU being the parent, the security for her.

You can eliminate a whole bunch of drama with this one rule: NO BOYFRIENDS!!!! Period, no questions asked. Your rule, you're the Mom. You have no idea (unless you have older girls) how much grief this will save both you and your daughters.

Hope this helps ... I know some of the stuff you're saying to yourself. My daughters are 17, 15, and 12. I love the relationship I have with my girls. Seeing how this has worked so beautifully with my older two, I am following the same path with my youngest daughter. She's in 6th grade!

Bless you & Best wishes,
L.

Oh honey, this is just the beginning, our kids that we know in their youth are not who they are in their teens! This is only the beginning. I sometimes have to laugh at all the little questions and concerns that people have on here about their little ones, and think, oh those were the days! It becomes so complicated as they get older and try to find who they are.
In the mean time, try to stay very involved in her life, and guide her with good issues and statements, constantly try to teach her to be the better person in all situations she encounters. Continue with all this and someday it will stick and she will have become a better person for it. It may take all the way until her senior year, but don't give up! It takes some serious parenting to make sure our kids stay on the right track and learn to deal with all the drama of their day to day lives.

Have you heard of Love and Logic? They have books, workshops etc. Try to let her solve her own problems. Maybe give her some validation of her feeling's, just listen. I have heard there is alot of girl drama these days! Don't make it your problem, and rea the love and Logic, it works!

I hate to sound harsh, but....suck it up. At that age EVERYTHING is the worst thing to ever happen. So and so has a crush on so and so who really doesn't like her but is dating her to get close with her best friend. Just make it clear that gossip is not okay and hurtful and when she comes home with the latest drama ask if it is gossip. If it is, stop her and remind her it's mean. If it's not listen and then ask what she thinks is the best solution.

how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kid will talk would be a great book for you at this point. . . sometimes kids just need a sounding board and for you to ask a few questions to help THEM come up with answers instead of just giving advice. . . . . the book speaks to this. good luck, those coming teen years are more difficult than all the rest i believe

I just had a long talk with my second grader about girl drama and how to handle mean friends or issues.
I just keep reminding her to only be around those that make you feel good about yourself, to keep your mouth shut when you are angry, walk away if it is becoming stressful and when everyone cools off to face to face conversations are necessary.
I think it is normal, be empathetic but don't try to jump in and resolve it. Just words of wisdom sometimes is all they need.

I try to look at it from both viewpoints, as my mom did this with me. They mainly need a sounding board I am quickly learning. I don't always take my daughter side as I know she can wear her heart on her sleeve, get her feelings hurt easily and retaliates with mean words if she is hurt. Which is why I continue to remind her it is best to bite your tongue if you are really upset until you have calmed down. To not say things she will regret.

I just keep reminding her everyone has bad days, something else could be going on with the other child and that friends that are really are friends get past that drama.

It helps that I am still good friends with two friends I had in Elementary, one still very close to. I just told her we had our issues all throughout our friendship but it lasted because we never intentionally hurt the other, we respected the other person and learned to talk things out.
Something I asked my daughter last night was "well is the hurt worth the friendship?"...meaning is it worth to continually make amends with someone that continues to cause her upset. If so, well then you have to kind of take that as something she has chosen to do. There are two other girls involved mainly and I told her three is a hard number because someone always is in the middle.
I try to have her view it from someone else's prospective too.
She tries too hard to please and if she isn't getting the reaction from someone she wants she lashes out or cries and I told her that running to the teacher over trivial stuff has to stop entirely. To report if someone hit, kicked, punched or physically hurt her, otherwise take a time out from the other person as there are TONS of other kids that would welcome her to hang out with them.
It is tough. I always walk away hoping I have given the right advice and remind her I was in Elementary and remember how hard it could be.
Hang in there! Mine is only in second I can only imagine when it hits sixth grade! :)

This is very normal for this age. If you think about it, the hormones are kicking into high gear, and everyone wants to be the center of attention. I do a lot of volunteering at our school and have a son in 6th grade. I know first hand what you are talking about and if you play into it, you will make it even worse. The key is to let her vent and then ask the questions that get her thinking about whether or not this is even logical or matters in the grand scheme of things. She is probably just as frustrated as you. She just needs to know life isn't all drama, and someone with a level head to help her sort through her feelings and emotions is crucial. Good Luck!