Teenager Troubles

It is not normal for a freshman to be reminded to brush his teeth or take a shower. If he needs meds than give him his meds. I do not understand why people have such a problem with giving meds for mental conditions. Is it because we can not see what is wrong? And if you and his father felt he did not get enough attention than his father should have stood up and gave him the attention he needed! Where was he?

Is this a change from when he was on the medication? As someone with ADD I can tell you that when I take my medication I am more able to get things done and can focus like a normal person. If there was a change I would say that he may need to be back on the medication. If there was no change and he was like this before then I would say that there may be something else going on like he is a teen, or maybe something is bothering him. Possibly depression.

Hi D.,
My kids are not teens yet but I do have a resource you might find helpful. Dr.Kevin Leman has a book called,"Making Children Mind without Losing Yours" (and a rather funny video series by the same name...ignore the silly music and ugly floral arrangements behind him :-) Anyway, one of the most useful things I remember from this was the idea that we should not shield our children from the natural consequences of their actions unless it is physically a danger not to. For instance, if he never gets his clothes to the laundry hamper they don't get washed, if he does not shower he will smell and start to itch,(friends will avoid or tell him) if he does not turn in his homework he will get a failing grade. When we shield them from these things they never learn how the real world works and don't learn how to be responsible for themselves. You must LET them fail. Right now they are in a safe environment and failing is not the end of the world but, if we wait till they leave home to experience this for the first time they will be in a whole world of hurt. Let them go through the failure and then teach with love how to not let it happen again. If the child has not failed they don't see the need for change. Without failure there are no teachable moments. The heart is not ready to receive. (as a step mom you may need to take a back seat to his dad doing the lions share of teaching and you backing Hubby-to-be up 100% on the lessons being taught) Teach self sufficiency and everyone will benefit.
Happy Training!

Hi D.,

I have a 21 year old and a 8 year old, both with ADHD. At 14, my daughter was easily distracted. Had all the same issues. I can't tell you the number of times I heard "I was gonna do that...." She quite taking the meds and that is when this started up. Most ADHD kids, during and after puberty, lose the hyperness. So many parents stop the meds. But the attention deficit problem can still be there just as bad as ever. The meds should be adjusted, not removed. Talk to the pediatrician about this. I found that getting into a routine works. Takes a while for the habit to form but having a nighttime routine for shower/teeth and afternoon routine of homework/chores. Took many reminders, but I did not get angry and let her take the consequences of her actions. Dirty clothes, yucky hair, and she missed some family activities because of it. She learned. Good luck to you.

Ok, so I realize that he is a special needs kid, but I think he probably just needs to talk out whatever he's going through. Growing up normal is hard enough, add a special need in there and can you imagine??? I had some similar problems with my son and daughter (she is also special needs -- DDONS). We had some major changes take place in our family and it took quite some time for the behavior issues to come in to play. We are still working through them, but are doing better since they spent some time in counselling. My kids are younger... my son will offcially be a teen next month and my daughter is 11, but I have never met more stubborn and self-directed people. I just don't always like the direction they're headed in. Talk it over w/ your fiance and then the two of you should talk to Tyler's mom and step-dad. Consult your pediatrician about his medication... should you, shouldn't you put him back on it? Should you change it? It would really help if all of you are on the same page about this. Let him know that you all love him and are worried about some of his choices and think it's a good idea for him to have someone outside of the family to help him navigate through whatever it is that he's going through or at least get to a place where he can begin doing basic things to care for himself. Be supportive. This way, you don't have to have "talks" every night. That never helps. (I find it only helps my kids feel bad about themselves.) He may already have some self-esteem issues. As soon as they hear "the tone" of the conversation, it becomes a lecture that they don't even hear. They think they have better things to think about. It's not easy, but I applaude your willingness to walk into a ready-made family. Good luck to ya.

Hi D.,

As`a step mom to teenage boys also, I myself was baffled by the same exact thing!Then I came to realize that this is part of what they are talking about when they say parenting isn't easy...I know it get old quick repeateing yourself, so with that being said: I say this to you....It's a teenager thing! Think about it, how many kids do you know that like to do their chores and just do them without being reminded? My oldest was the king of the "hideout" as we named it...when it was time for chores(we do ours all at the same time as a family, so everyone feels like we are all doing our share)he was always in the bathroom for long periods of time at about that age...14-15, now that he is 17 and really at about 16 he just does his as quickly as possible like the rest of us to get them done and over with! The brushing the teeth is something I have found cant hurt to remind them about..meaning I dont mind it, I want them to have good clean teeth and gums and out of my 6 oldest they all need to be reminded and it isnt an issue they just do it. Now if you remind him and he doesn't do it that is a different story...you would need to take action about that. I think that it is also normal that you say he doesnt seem to care or want to change...it is not something that is important in his teenage life (I know it wasn't in mine)as long as he is being respectful to you and the family I say just keep up with the reminders....and as far as the showers are concerned I would not worry to much about that, the day is drawing near when he will be taking them all by himself without asking...believe me:)

I think that if he is doing good in school you have alot more to be thankful for than to worry about...so dont worry!

Like I always say "it's not easy being the Mommy"...we have to feed them, remind them to do the most basic things, as well as if your kids are anything like mine, tell them that their shoes are downstairs under the computer desk without even having to look:)

Keep up the good work! Blended families are not the easiest things to make run smoothly but you sound like you are staying on top of everything nicely, those kids are lucky to have a soon to be step mom who cares about their teeth, among other things!!:)

K.
AKA Mom to a grip of boys!!

Best Advice:

Read several books on ADHD written by people with ADHD. Two that come to mind are
- "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?"
- "Driven to Distraction"
They're both older, there're some newer ones out, but while I keep up on the APA's Peer Review Journals I don't keep up in bookstore. <Laughing> The first one, I actually remember hurling at a wall in frustration when I was about 19, wishing my mom had read it when I was young.
- Avoid any books claiming to "cure" ADHD. It's like a self-help book claiming to be able to cure cancer. Yep, maybe one exists...but don't waste your time as you're learning about it.

Soap Box:

ADHD is a WONDERFUL, AMAZING gift once you've learned how to work around the pitfalls. Yup. Takes one whole haleovalotta work and time.

Reminder :

If you're stepson has been on meds for most of his life he probably hasn't learned ANY coping mechanisms (aka; ways to work around and with the pitfalls...like having a routine in the morning down to every last detail so he can do it while he's thinking about something else more interesting). The meds do it for you, so you don't have to. He's not only struggling with being a teen (yuck!), and having ADHD (not easy, it takes years of practice), but also all those daily detail things most kids learn he probably never has, because he's been on meds since he was a kid. Think of it like the guy who has to drink to have the courage to do "x". If you never learn to do it without chemicals...the first time or 20 are nerve wracking, scary, & embarrassing. Without his crutch I'm sure he's hobbling all over the place in ALL areas of his life (socially, motivationally, academically, etc. as well as in the day to day living at home that's driving you and your LH so crazy right now).

One More Reminder:

Most people with ADHD have INTENSE emotions. The only other group of people with stronger emotions/emotional swings are bi-polar people. ADHD teens learn early to affect an attitude of "I don't care" in order to protect themselves and the people they love. They could HURT someone if they let loose all that energy flowing and streaming inside them. It usually only takes one outburst that hurts a parent/sibling/friend for them to do a colossal "bottle up". So too, embarrassment can be crippling. They may be screaming inside, but the most indication you'll get is if you look closely at their jaw muscles. <Laughing> I shouldn't be giving away secrets...but every ADHD person I know struggling to remain deadpan and not collapse in a heap or fly into a rage can relax every single muscle in their face except their jaw. Ditto with ears/hairline being pulled back (think of wiggling your ears, that motion but only in one direction)when they're afftecting a humor/non-challance.

One thing to try is this: Offer "office hours". After a conversation/fight/etc...tell him that you're available after 9pm or between 1 & 2:30pm etc. if he wants to talk about anything. Giving him time to think AND calm down can provide a wealth of information.

And I meant to have kept this short.

Sheesh.

Z.

Hi D.;

I, too, have a 14-year-old ADHD son. In Middle School we had issues with having to constantly remind him to shower, use deodorant, etc..., however those issues cleared up with peer pressure (sad, but yes, I was certainly happy when he wanted to smell nice like some of his friends and then there was the girl he liked: that's about all I'm in favor of peer pressure for). He just has to look and smell good, now. As for the brushing of the teeth, he has just recently gotten better, I still have to remind at night and on the weekends.

The hardest part is your line that he doesn't seem to care or want to change. As all of us parents know we need to find the soft spot that makes them want to do something. The incentive that sparks them to start working on whatever it is that needs be changed (hygiene) or completed (chores).

I've discovered with my son that it happens to be good old fashioned grounding or even better money. I used to try and make the punishment fit the crime, but that didn't do anything but cause more stress, for example, if he left his dirty clothes on the floor, I wouldn't pick them up. My thought was that he would eventually need something clean and finally pick up the mess and move it to the laundry room, nope. He would just wear something out of the pile. One day I did all his laundry and then stuck a note on the top of the pile telling him: "Dirty clothes stink. When clothing stinks people avoid you, yes, even friends. When clothes start to stink and lay in a pile on the floor they get damp. Dampness breeds mold. Laundering doesn't remove mold. Moldy clothes get thrown out. Once clothing gets thrown out due to mold, YOU are responsible for buying a new piece of clothing. Yes, it will come out of your allowance. Yes, that means that you won't have money for the movies. No, mom and dad will not front you the money. MORAL: Pick up clothes, keep money."

He actually started trying to do better with his laundry. He didn't always get them to the laundry, but he was making an effort and I didn't even have to say a word. When his laundry pile started to get big again, I just reprinted the letter and wrote REMINDER at the top.

We have had to dock his allowance when he broke my cell phone. The only way that he realized how much it stunk to have no money was for me to hand him his allowance (if I would have just withheld the money he wouldn't have felt the 'pain' as much) he then had to go mark off the amount on the paper and then had it back to me and do the math of how much he still owed. He was super happy when he finally paid that off.

Also, grounding him from something that he had been looking forward to for a full year really made a huge impact on him that mom and dad were done being micromanagers.

Basically, if you've made it this far through my long-windedness, find what will prompt him to do what you need him to do and follow through. If it's money, give him a reminder and then start docking the allowance. If it's his game system that he loves, take it away, he can earn the system back for consistent behavior and then earn games back for consistency as well. Also, try reminding him that he is turning into a man now and he needs to be more responsible for himself. That seemed to give our son a bit of encouragement toward making some better choices (not always, but a bit better).

Hang in there and know that eventually he will start getting the hygiene down.

DJ

Hi D.. First, you should consult his doctor about whether or not to be on Ritalin or any other ADHD meds. If he has ADHD and isn't medicated, you should have him on some kind of program...he cannot help being the way he is, if he's ADHD.
Second, talking with him every night to tell him what he's doing wrong will result in him feeling ashamed, not good enough, basically an all-around screw-up...even if he seems to blow it off and not care...he will feel like he can't do anything right.
You both have to be catching him doing stuff right throughout the day and "matter of fact"-ly telling him good job. Be sure he knows he can come to you both for anything, and make him a complete part of your world.
Find out what he thinks, wants, needs, and to the degree that its appropriate try to give what he wants. (Of course provide his needs.)
He is most likely a pretty neat kid and just wants to fit in and be loved like any other kid. I am sure he can be a real pain at times, and he can be hard to deal with, but if that's true, then he already feels this is the case as well.
Also, set expectations...when he doesn't follow thru with things, give him a consequence that fits the situation. Example: "Tyler, you're responsible to brush your teeth every nite. If you don't, then you lose a half hour of (computer time? television? what ever his 'currency' is) that day."
But above all, you might consider spending 2-3 sessions with a good child therapist who will help the two of you work better with Tyler.
Being the parent of an adolescent is hard enough, but the step parent is even harder! Take care of yourself and find ways that work for you to de-stress. Good luck.

Hi D.! May I suggest you try to get him off of ratalin and the other meds. for ADHA. Ratalin is likened to street cocain. Read for yourself....it chemically alters the mind, emotions, personality and diet of a person. May I suggest you use something fully natural, safe and guaranteed. Let me know if you and he are willing to change for the better and I would be happy to share what can help.

Being 14 yrs. old he is still a young boy. Try to respect him as he is changing. Maybe instead of nagging him, after your husband and you have come up with consequenses if he doesn't do what is exspected, sit down with your son and tell him you realize he is older now and will be treated different now. For example, for our son is told what is exspected from him and we have it typed out and put in his room for him to go over each day. We explain to him that being 12 yrs. old he is ready for more and with it come privilegdes. Let them make the choice and with it come privilegdes or non, based on their choices. These boys naturally are becoming independant of us and that is what our goal for them is, right? We have brushing teeth on the list, we told him that if he forgets and gets cavities then he will pay half of the dentist bill.

I recently heard that we want our kids to make as many mistakes NOW while living with us so that we as their parents can help direct them into adulthood. I recommend a book called "Parenting with Love and Logic"! Father and son wrote it...hope this helps we all struggle with our kidos...

Hello: I hear your frustration my daughter is 29 and has adhd she still needs reminders to do things even on medication and if she is off her medications doing every day things are even worse. he might need to get on a different medication my daughter took ritalin when she was younger but is not able to use it now she is taking something else and even she can tell a difference in herself when she has the medication and when she doesn't. Talk to your step son and see how he feels about the medication when he is on and off it. you could always put him back on it and see for your self if there is an improvement

If your stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD, it will help him to be on medication. I raised one of my grandsons and didn't want to put him on meds, finally I agreed with his doctor and it made our life a lot easier. My grandson is now 19 and not taking meds but he tells me that it did make a difference for him in helping him to concentrate. I tried all kinds of tricks to help him remember daily chores including hygine. We made time charts that he had to mark off as he did things and that worked for a while. Rewards helped too, llike at the end of the week if he took a shower everyday, made his bed and brushed his teeth he would get a reward. Something he really liked - going to the skate park, movie or playing videos games. I understand the frustrations you are going through and these suggestions are just what worked for us and may not help you. I wish you lots of luck, take time for yourself and get help from school counselors and outside help if you can. Just being a 14 year old boy is hard enough these days and trying to deal with ADHD makes it a more difficult time. Get him involved in outside activities, boys club, YMCA etc.
Georgia

I totally agree with the Love and Logic approach. It just plain works and it allows kids to get a sense of responsibility.

Fourteen year olds can be a hand full... I teach 173 of them everyday. :-)

Best of luck to you!

Although my son is not a teenager (he is 9), he sounds very much like your step-son. My son has ADHD, is extremely smart, but also lacks responsibility in doing the most basic things. I use a checklist to help my son. He is not allowed to play games, etc. until all of his responsibilities have been taken care of (including chores, homework, personal hygene). Anyhow, try to think of it as ,"how can we help him be responsible," instead of being mad or punishing. Maybe some sort of reward?? I hope you can apply some of this to a teenager. I haven't reached those days yet! Good Luck, S.

Deep breath is a great place to start. I have a four year old with autism and he is displaying an enormous tendency towards ADHD (oh I have those days I want to slam my head against the wall repeatedly). I have to remind myself to stay calm because if I loose he probably will too. My sister was ADHD and I hated it when she was on meds - she was like a zombie! There are some classes out there you can look into taking that might help him. I've also noticed with my little guy that coffee works magic. I accidently gave him some the other day and panicked after he drank half of it and I realized what I did. About twenty minutes later he was so calm and remained so all day long. He seemed to remember things better and keep on track. I have read that caffeine has the opposite effect on kids like this than normal. Anyhow I hope things start to work out - the repeatedly asking should probably get some consequences though. He's establishing a crutch to lean on later in life and I have to remind myself about this with my son when I've told him twenty times to pick up his puzzle. I have to refrain from doing it and get him to do it to learn that he needs to. Maybe try a reward chart (they are never too old for this - it is embarrassing but my mom did this till I have 16 mainly for my sisters but I sure liked the rewards!).

Make a list! Large letters. Put it in his bathroom or better in your kitchen where you can see if he has checked it off. Red for morning chores, blue for afternoon, and green for night chores. Remember if he is ADHD he is NOT misbehaving and you can talk your self blue and it won't change him. Check with him every morning, etc, the list. Be patient and calm. Eventually he will develop the habit. Perhaps you should make a chart that you can mark off the chart.

Important to remember, he is not misbehaving, he literally doesn't remember, and isn't challenging you.

Hi D., Psychologist have been discovering that fish oil supplements not only help with ADHD, but are often more effective than Ritalin, etc...Because ADHD is a chemicle problem in the brain, the fish oil helps because it is an Omega 3, which is what the brain needs to function properly. It's also good for depression and helps with the production of Seratonin. But you can't take any old fish oil supplement. It has to be high quality, which is easy to test. Talk with your pharmacist or you put one of the pills in the freezer and see if it freezez. If it does, it's not good. I don't sell this product or anything, I do have a contact if you are interested (or you can usually find it for way less than retail on eBay), but Herbalife makes a specific fish oil supplement for heart health, depression and other issues needing intense Omega 3s. My 9 year old son had great improvement in his concentration and "ability" to follow rules when he takes it. My problem is getting a 9 year old to remember to take it! Tyler's responsibiltiy issues sound just like my sons (though mines a bit younger). my son is also allergic to Red dye #40. And the symptoms of that are basically exagerated responses to things, overly sensitive, unreasonable, poor memory, etc...) Anyway...here is a link for you, it's called TriShield:
http://herbalife.com/catalog/catalog.jsp?cid=620972&amp;p...

Please consider it, because it is a natural remedy that benefits in more ways than one. Oh, you can notice effects right away, but you probably won't see the full effects until he's taken them for 3 months (that's what the reseach I did said). One more thing ;) The nice thing about the TriSheild is its just one SMALL pill, not the hurcan gel pills ;) My husband and I both suffer from depression and both HATE fish, so it was great to find a pill that won't have you burping up fishy taste ;( Best of luck!

Try an incentive/reward chart. Figure out what means the most to him... time out with friends, dessert, allowance, TV, music. Shoot for 75% or so at first. For example, you can make a list of all the things he should do in a day, and he can check them off as he does them. At the end of the week, tally up how many he did. Or it can be daily and his performance one day determines his rewards for the next day.

D. - I am an adoptive mother to a 16 year old boy that we did foster to adopt with. He came to live with us when he was 14 and we have had the exact same problems as you have been. I think that when they are not necessarily treated well when they are younger, they sometimes get "stuck" at a younger age and have a much harder time mentally getting through that. Like your step-son my son is REALLY book smart, but common sense just isn't there with him. I always say to my husband "he is missing that "common sense link" that other teenagers have". As much as SOME of that is normal teenage stuff...kids who have had a difficult life up until now are a little slower getting there than other teens.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further. I would love to bounch ideas off of each other if you would like...

I would go to the Love and Logic website and look at a lot of the information there. They have a book about dealing with children with ADHD. Although your step-son has ADHD, he still should be expected to be mature, respectful and responsible. ADHD is not a license for poor behavior. Best of luck to you!

Ah, yes... I have 4 teenagers at home (2 from the miracle of childbirth and 2 from the miracle of marriage.) I know what you mean about the intelligence vs. the common sense. It helped me tremendously when I recently learned in a child development class that our brains do not fully develop the ability to consider the consequences of our actions until we reach adulthood. Teens LOOK like adults, but their brains are not yet fully developed, and we all know that the hormones are absoluely INSANE during this stage. I know this is driving you crazy... BELIEVE ME, I know! I try to think about the fact that it won't be very long at all until I am in a too quiet house with just DH and me rattling around in it. That is both a comfort when I am feeling overwhelmed and a reminder that I had better love on them as much as I can for as long as I am able to. They are precious, whether mine from birth or not. Blessings to you and yours! :)

D. - Hello! I am the mother of two small boys, and big sister to 4 younger brothers! god love 'em all. My brothers are now 19-29.
My mom was ALWAYS saying that she didn't understand how the boys could be so book smart and then act so stupid. She never said it to their faces, but now jokes with them about it. It's TRUE though! They would do the exact same things you mentioned. Just all around not care about their appearences, or teeth or if they were wearing smelly clothes. They were gross, if I do say so myself.
A couple of things happened.
#1 - girls - enough said! No, just kidding. Girls are not that into guys that don't brush their teeth and wear wrinkly clothes while smelling like some serious BO. I wouldn't tell him that, but he will figure it out himself.
#2 - stop nagging ( I say nagging because YOU said you and your boyfriend talk to him EVERY night) Good lord, he probably rolls his eyes every time you come in to talk to him. If he is anything like some of my brothers...the very fact that it is coming from you and your boyfriend is making him NOT want to do what you two are suggesting.
#3 - stop doing his laundry/picking up his clothes. I don't know if you are or not, you didn't mention, but my mother did. He is old enough to start taking care of himself. He needs to be self sufficient in the next 3-4 years!! Practice makes perfect.
NOW, these suggestions are for the boy if he is 100% mentally okay. You mentioned that he was on medication for ADHD with his mother, and he is now not on them anymore. If you have a pediatrician for him then you need to take him to see the doctor to make sure that he does not need to be on medication. It is OKAY to put a child on medication if it is needed, just like it is okay to do it when you are an adult. Don't let anyone tell you differently. There are certain things that you can do (and I don't know them, but counselors will help a GREAT deal) if you decide that you are not going to put him on medication AND he suffers from ADHD. ADHD is not something that one chooses, and if your soon to be step child has it, that is something that is very hard to accept and control. He will need the help and love of his family, and understanding as well. Can you imaging feeling like your life is all over the place ALL THE TIME? IF he has ADHD, that is how he feels.
If he doesn't have ADHD< and he is just being a normal teenager, then I would do my above mentioned suggestions and let you know that he is a normal boy!
Good luck in whatever you decide to do, L.

I also have a teenage boy with mental health issues..he's bipolar. Part of what you are experiencing is symptoms of ADHD and part is developmental. I have set up a point system with my kids where they earn so many points for doing chores, homework, hygiene, etc. They can save up their points for rewards like a special dessert, lunch with mom, an extra half hour of computer time, whatever will motivate them to get their stuff done. Children like our sons react better to positive reinforcement. If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I have been in your shoes with my ex-husbands oldest child (severe ADHD and behavior issues)