Seeking Other Mom's Opinions

I think that $15/week for a 13 year old is too much. I think he ought to have to do some things for free, ought to get a set allowance (maybe $10/week), and ought to be able to earn more for out-of-the-ordinary tasks (like raking leaves in a big yard or deep cleaning something).

I agree with the Dave Ramsey program. Wow $30 every other week. My kids do chores everyday and only get $15 a month. That goes into 3 jars. Savings, tithing, and spending.

Wow $30.00, that is a huge allowance, he should know as he gets older his responsibilities will increase, and he is very lucky to be getting that big an allowance. He should remember you can always take it away.

I think $30 every two weeks is a lot for the little bit you said they are required to do. I had to do a lot more than that around the house growing up and I never got an allowance! By the time I was 13, I was doing my own laundry, had to keep up with the dusting of the house, dishes, and other general picking up as well as keeping my room clean. There were 3 of us girls in the house and no one got paid, but we were expected to have our work done. The way I made my money was babysitting.

The next time you ask him to do something & he comments back to you in the same manner, dock his allowance! He might soon see that yes, he does get paid for helping around the house. I'm a bit of a cynic & I would just do it without letting him know. That way, if he comes back at you a bit peeved off when "payday" comes, tell him, "I got paid to do it, so I took it out of your money since you didn't do as I asked." I bet he does it the next time you ask!! Let him know how fortunate he is to receive that much in an allowance. I'm envious!

Good luck on this. I hear the teenage years are rough & I've got a long time until I find out for myself! ;o)

Hi B.,
I'm not quite clear on how old both your son's are. So I am going to respond as best I can.

First of all. I think for a 13 yo $15 a week is pretty good money for the little things he does. My kids did a lot more for less. Secondly, I think that helping out around the house is a requirement and makes life easier for everyone. Perhaps the attitude is just his hormones kicking in, not necessarily directed at you.

Maybe rewriting the chore list, or making a revolving chore list for them where they don't get bored would help. I did that after they reached the teen years and it seemed to help.

It also helps when you start mentioning cars, driving, etc. Having responsibility at home,, means being responsible in a car, and earning the right to have those responsibilities. etc etc. Bribery will get you everywhere. LOL

Hey B.,
I struggle with this and I'm just STARTING with giving the children any money for the chores. But what I learned from Dave Ramsey (have you have every listened to him on radio or read his books?) I did pick up on teaching children about commissions. My husband is in sales. So he has to do basic things to keep his job, his base salary, and then what he does above and beyond is considered a % commission. That's what we really live on.

I don't and won't give my children a base allowance for what we expect the family to all contribute anyway, this would be tidying up their rooms, making the beds and picking up their toys.

We had a legitimate Family Meeting, notes, round table discussion, each person held the spoon and could talk, and went over an entire plan of action.
I have a Chore Chart and a $ amount of what that chore is worth.
They do the chore and put their name next to it. Saturday is pay day.

I don't feel like you are unreasonable at all with their allowance, but maybe your 13 yr old would value money more if he really DID have to WORK for it! It could be suggested he rake leaves in and round your neighborhood, pet sit, mow lawns, if in cold climate shovel drives and sidewalk, in summer lifeguard. Basically you have to set up a Boundary with what you are willing to accept and what your expectations are of him/them.

Children will continue to test us to the max and this is no different. You'll be actually doing two things at once; teaching them powerful work ethic, you don't get paid for doing nothing, and that there is always someone willing to do the job (like a sibling) and do it better. So they can choose.

I'm trying to not feed into the current state of economics and the whole "Entitlement Generation" a generation which expects high-end but doesn't know how to work to get it. We have an obligation to teach our children about money, how to save it and when to spend it, but mostly how to earn it!

No one but you will teach your children about money, other than the credit card company at 28% interest! (wink)
Best of Luck!!! I look forward to hearing how it plays out.
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Side note:
I just had the priveledge of reading the other responses and you have a great list of suggestions, many are all on the same page, such as myself.
You can do it!!! We believe in you B.!!!
I like Roxanne's approach to docking pay for attitude! I'm using that in the future!

Turn it into more like a work exchange. You will cook their food or doing their laundry or whatever, in return for them doing whatever chores you want them to do, without any money exchanged. Or they could pay you to do all the chores, or you could pay them to do all the chores, which you could do if you had an "outside " job. teenagers need to learn responsibility, and they need to feel "needed". I put it to the kids like this: dad works to pay the bills, I work to keep house and help babies come out. if they want spending money, they can go earn it, or they can do chores, so I can go earn it, their choice. Since I have seven, we had a chore list, everybody body knew when they were expected to do what. If they couldn't fulfill their duties, they either traded with someone, or paid someone else to do their chore for them, which is what the teenagers did when they got "outside" jobs. I always worked outside the house, part time when the kids were little, as they got older, they needed my money, more than my physical presence, so I increased my work hours, so I paid kids to take over some of my housework chores, but everyone was expected to do their share of the work without pay. For instance, by three, they could start rinsing unbreakable dishes, by four even the breakable dishes and take out trash, by five they could wash the dishes and sweep, by six they could vacuum, by seven, their own laundry, etc. At any age they were expected to feed and clean up after any pets they owned.
So, if they think they aren't going to do chores, without getting paid, You stop doing your chores, until YOU get paid. That will make them think about it differently. The way I handled it, everyone felt like they were being treated fairly.

B.
I agree with you all the way. When my fianca moved in he noticed that each child had choir list. He asked how much I paid them. I said I dont really pay them. They have the opportunity to earn "play" money. (fake) I have been a single mother with no child support for a long time. So to teach my children how to earn, count, and then 'budget' money I put them on a system. They can earn five dollars for getting out of bed getting dressed and being ready to leave for school at six thirty sharp. (They will have a job one day.) Then there are other ways to earn their 'play money' all day each day. They can earn up to seventy five dollars or more if they go out of their way to do something kind for someone else. Thats worth twenty.
Now once they get their money they can pay for additional TV time, or going ice skating, or to the park, etc...
However, during the day they can loose money for mis behaving. If I ask my son to take out the trash and he said something like that it would cost him fifty dollars in his money and he would still be required to take the trash out. Back talk cost them.
If I were in your shoes I would just tell him, this is your home. I/and or your father work to provide everything you need, but you have to help work to take care of this home. We have to work as a family to keep it all done. As a mom you don't have time to do it all yourself. Just tell him that. Now my children are younger and love to think they are helping me but I have a 13 year old niece too. Kids are kids. Talk to him (not at him) be direct and honest. If he feels like he needs a reward for everything then I would lower or deplete the allowance and explain why.
Thats my opinion. Good luck however you decide to react to this.

B., I so understand what you are talking about! My girls are 13 and 10 and have a list of chores that they do daily. I had planned on, once they completed the chores for a week without being told/reminded, that I would start paying them. The plan was to teach them to "earn" what they work for. After a month of having to be reminded multiple times, I told them my plan. My lovely, polite, 13 yr old....said, no you won't...you will never do that. So, now they do their chores and do not get "spending money." Of course, when she outgrows clothes and they need new shoes, mom and dad come through....do they think about that? I'm a little surprised they aren't doing more...I tell my children about my childhood days of not only doing the dishes, no dishwasher, and laundry, but mowing the lawn, feeding the farm animals, and hoeing weeds out of a peanut field all summer long, from dawn to dusk. Sorry, but our children are spoiled! Mine at least...it didn't hurt me doing those things and I was never paid. My dad would tell me, you have a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes on your back, this is your payment. If we don't teach them now, we'll be raising them forever. You're doing a great job, although I would have them doing more! That's just for my sanity! With 2 full time jobs and college, it really helps me out around the house. One day, my 10 yr old, said, what do you do mom???? So I had to lay it out for her. They just need a little reminder sometimes. I think it helps to keep them unprotected about some problems we are having. Such as money...I have written down our bills and our pay and shown my oldest where it all goes. It really helped her to stop asking for the "expensive" clothing and shoes! Now she thanks me four or five times when I do buy them. I know I've run on and on, but I hope it helps. Again, you're doing a great job, good luck!

At first, I was so mad at your son's response that I was going to just go on a rant...lol. But, I decided to read some of the other responses first to calm down. I'm glad that I did. I learned something. Let me just say that you are very generous to your sons considering the small amount of chores that they do. Second, I think the Dave Ramsey way is a great idea. Kids need to learn the responsibilities that come with money. And, certainly, they need to learn about EARNING money. In my family, feeding pets and emptying the trash were chores we did at the age of 7/8. And they grew from there. We did not receive allowances but were not deprived in anyway. We did pull our own weight in the house and when we started whining about not having this or that. We were told to start cutting grass or babysitting to earn money for the frivolous things that we wanted. Weekend jobs were a must at the age 16. My siblings and I are still very responsible and hard workers 30 years later. One thing our parents also did for us was made us volunteer, as a family, taking Christmas gifts and food to those much less fortunate than ourselves. This started when I was a 14 year old. It still has the largest impact on my life! Just something you might want to try. Good luck with your sons. It's a hard lesson to learn that the world owes you nothing. I have to sons of my own(infant and 18 month old) and will be learning from your question. Thanks!

I would sit your son's down and tell them that as of March 1st you will no longer receive an allowance. You will be receiving "commission". If you work, you get paid, if you do not work, you do not get paid. Be strong and be to the point. Maybe even make a chore chart and put on there whatever you want them to do with the amount of "commission" next to that item. Have a line on there for Misc as well b/c each week you may have something come up that you need help with, then have the $ amount next to that line as well. It can add up to $15 a week if you want to continue that amount but do not give them any dime over what they have worked for. This will teach them to work for money, not to expect it. You really need to start now since the 13 yr old already seems to have an attitude of entitlement. If you want more info, go to DaveRamsey.com so you can see how to work the "commission" aspect. Good luck.

Hi B.,

First of all, 15 bucks a weeks sounds like WAY too much for me! I heard a finacial goo roo on TV the other day say that 5 cents for a job is enough... now I don't think I would go that far. But, his point was that is actually the true worth of what they would get in the real world. Minumum wage is like 6.50 so think of all the jobs a worker does in one hour. I would pay them something more realistic for starters.

Plus, things like having an attitude 'on the job' so to speak, is definitely reason for an employer to talk to the employee and perhaps punish them... AKA...lower his allowance for complaining. Then raise it for him being positive.

Hope this helps! Allowance definitely teaches children so many great lessons as long as it is done right... including 10% for tithing, 10% for savings, etc.
Amanda

$30 seems like a lot to me if they're not helping with anything. My stepson, who is 10, is with us every other week for a full week. His allowance is a three dollar base plus 50 cents per extra chore. He is expected to do basic things like make is bed, put away his clean clothes, keep his room picked up. We pay him for taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher, helping with laundry, and feeding the dog. He also has the potential to earn for other things when we have something extra. In a week he can earn $20 or $30. That money he earns is then split in half, half goes into a savings account to purchase gifts for his family and friends for birthdays, Chistmas, etc. and the other half is his to spend as he chooses, right now his working on saving for a new iPod. If he were paying out of this money for lunch or snacks at school we'd increase the base, but we give him $20 at the beginning of each month for his snack. Also he has a chore list on his door to keep track of how much he's earned, if he doesn't keep track of his work he can't get paid properly.Hope that helps.

Hi B.,

I am a mom of 6 children the youngest now being 13years old. We have had the same question reagarding allowances with our kids. The only time we every really did allowance was when they were younger and the ice-cream man came around they would get $2 a week and it saved me money. I never have given my teenage kids allowances, they have had to earn their own money. As far as chores go my kids have had chores since they could walk. Doing simple things that were age appropriate. My kids each have a day each week that they have kitchen, that includes doing the entire kitchen and to "mom's standards". They are also in charge of bathrooms, living areas, laundry, etc. We rotate them on a week basis. I have had the question of "are we getting paid for this" my response always has been yes, you have food to eat a house to live in and transportation to get you where you want to go. It has paid off, I have a daughter at college and one married and they are able to keep house and cook. I feel that giving them allawance gives the attitude that we owe it to them, especially $30.00 every 2 weeks. When my younger ones wanted to buy something they would ask me ways they could earn money and I would give them additional chores to earn it. (i.e. cleaning the garage, washing cars, windows etc.)
I hope this helps and good luck.

It is my opinion that children, especially as they get older (13 definitely qualifies), should increasingly contribute more to the household in terms of responsibilities. They are capable of doing a whole lot more than we typically ask them to do, and as a result they end up being lazy and uncooperative the few times we do ask something more of them than normal. Perhaps you could consider the following technique. Instead of paying them an allowance, which is basically giving them money for doing nothing just so they can enjoy themselves, sit down and make a contract with them. Tell the 13 year old that from now on, he will be expected to do (x) chores during the week, for which you will pay him $30. Then let him know that for any additional chores you will pay him an additional amount (per chore; make it something reasonable). Then let him know that for a failure to do the mandatory chores, he will be fined (x) dollars. The important part is to write all of this down and have both of you sign it, and of course, to follow through with it. The beauty of this idea is that he has made an agreement to do something, and you both know what the rewards and consequences will be: you have it in writing. It can be referred back to as often as needed. If he gets upset and claims that you are being unfair when he is fined, all you have to do is show him what he agreed to. He may still say it's unfair, at which point, you can offer to review your contract and consider reasonable changes to it. The only thing to remember if you try this is that you have to stick with what you agreed to (both the payments and the fines) or you will lose his trust and willingness to participate. But it's a good way of teaching children to be a part of the household, not just in the work, but also in the contract process. I hope this is helpful to you.

Allowances are fine, but your kids should be doing chores around the house becasue they are part of the family and as such need to share part of the responsibility of running the household.

If you kids think they are getting paid to help out a little, than your structure needs to change.

Obviously your son associates his allowance with his chores. I would tell him what my older daughter told our now 11yo son, an allowance is what Mom & Dad allow you to have, they don't HAVE to do that. BUT chores are part of life, family & maturity. I hope your son dones more than what you listed.

Our family has daily kitchen chores that I have written out & posted on the fridge. They have daily things to do such as swish the toilet & wipe down bathroom sinks, counters daily and tidy the living room daily. Once a week they clean their bathroom throughly and of course, they are expected to keep their rooms cleaned. Kids need to do chores otherwise they grow up thinking it's someone else's responsibility or that they should be waited on. My husband was raised with 3 brothers by a single Mom. He cooks and cleans often better than I do. My brother-in-law was raised by a Mom that did his laundry for him, including folding it & putting it IN his drawers till the day he married my sister. It took a loong time to make him see that he needed to pitch in, he just thought that was how it was done.

I also think you are being VERY generous with your allowance. Our 16yo daughter gets $40/month and our 11yo son gets $10. Their basic needs are always met & I don't see any reason that they should need more. My 11 yo however, argues that point but his efforts are in vain.

I think if you stopped the allowances, there will be a backlash at first, but then they may get the idea. You're right, allowances are not a right, they are a privilege, just like TV and computers. If his attitude is 'I don't get paid to do it' then it's time for you & your husband to sit down, make a list of chores you think they should do to get that money. If they don't do it, he doesn't get the money and after having to stay home because he doesn't have any money, maybe he'll get the idea. And don't give in & give him the money or allow others to pay his way. I know it sounds tough, but in the long run, he'll come to appreciate it (maybe in his 30's but...).

It needs to hit them where it hurts & if that's in the pocketbook, so be it. If it's time with friends, TV, computer, then do that. Use what works best. But the next time he said something like that to me, I'd say you're right, but because I'm having to do your chore, you get to pay me, might just give him the boot in the butt he needs.

Best of luck to you, this age is very difficult. I've had 4 go through this age with 1 more quickly approaching it. We only started giving allowances because we're now in a position to be able to. $10 for elementary age, $20 for middle school, and $40 for high school per month.

Sorry if I rambled.

Start charging them for dinner, showers, laundry, ironing, taking them places. Explain to them about the amount of work it takes to run a home and how everyone needs to chip in and do their share. Remind them that you do not get paid for the things you do for them. If they do not get a new attitude I would not give them money for ANYTHING at all. Let them pay for all their wants with the allowance you currently give them. Don't give them lunch money, take them to dinner or movies etc. If they don't do their chores without reminding them or nagging them then do it for them and charge them $5 everytime you do it for them and deduct it from their payment. I am sure that they are overpaid in allowance for what they are doing to earn it. Take the allowance away and do the chore yourself for a while and see if their attitude changes. If you do not nip this attitude in the bud they will take it into the workplace which will not go well for them. Hang in there Mom!! Kids now days think that life owes them an easy ride. B. E.

I took all allowance away from my kids (for a couple of weeks) and then made a cart for each one. A quarter for every chore they did with out me having to tell them and I took a quarter away from them for everything I had to do. I then started to compete with them to do chores. Like I would take the trash out just before it got full then they couldn't do it and lost a chance for that quarter. They then would ask me in the middle of doing a chore if they could do it instead. My kids soon didn't want to do anything, so they accumulated debt and when they wanted to go out they found out that they didn't want to do that anymore. They paid of the debt by doing lots of extra things, and now earn special rewards for having everything done on their chore list.

I haven't taken the time to read the other responses, so I apologize for repeating anything someone else may have said. For me, kids should not get paid anything for doing basic daily and weekly chores around the house. The entire family should pitch in and work as a team to create a clean, comfortable place to live. Obviously as kids get older their responsibilities around the house increase (right now my 3 and 4 1/2 year olds clear their dishes and help sweep and wipe up after meals, and they clean up their toys and other messes at the end of each day). You guys can sit down as a family, list all the jobs that need to be done in a week, let each person pick one thing that they just don't want to do, and then go around and pick out the things you are each willing to take responsibility for. I think that's good for older kids because it gives them a good idea of all the work that needs to be done and they get a clear sense of how mom and dad take on a good share of that. It also gives them a chance to get out of their least favorite chore and to volunteer for jobs they don't mind so much.

If there are special jobs that need to be done around the house (painting, organizing the garage, raking leaves, etc.) then I think it's fair to assign a dollar amount that you'll pay to have it done--but you don't pay out until you've inspected the job. Be clear about your expectations before they start and if the finished job isn't up to par, instruct them on how they need to complete the task in order to get paid. This teaches great life skills that they'll need when they enter the workforce.

Another route you can take is to give them a sum of money that covers all of their expenses for six months. Figure out what you would spend on them for shoes, clothing, extracurriculars, social activities, gas money if they drive and you pay for that, etc. Then give them the lump sum and put them in charge of their budget. If they blow it all before the six months is up, tough. They'll have to go without certain things and try to do a better job the next time around. Personally, I think this is a more drastic tactic and you should try the other ideas first though. Good luck!

Wow.. My only advice is to have a sit down with your son and remind him that the allowance he gets is out of the thoughtful goodness of your heart. He is old enough to take on certain responsibilities in your home and you are NOT required to "employ him" for the small tasks you ask of him. He's old enough to know better. If you're still facing resistance, the two things you can do are: Cut off his $120.00/$150.00 monthly allowance and let him know that he is a member of your family and he is required to do his fair share... OR you can treat this situation as if he were your "employee", keep paying him for the small amount of work he is willing to do BUT! at the end of each week you can subtract from said allowance what you think is fair for your share of doing his laundry, cooking his meals, toting him around and a wee small portion of the grocery bill. That might just make him understand that Nothing in his life necessarily has to be fair and he simply has to accept repercussions in life or responsibilities in life.

Good luck,
D. S.
mom of 3 (3,6 & 7) Aunt to 11 (7 to 24)

Oh my, do we REALLY want to crunch the numbers here? Since your son is choosing to give you an "employee" attitude I would tell him this. You don't make a profit off of him, so why would you want to give him ANY money at all. But since you decided to pay him an allowance, break it down to whatever the minimum wage is in your area and say you will pay him what working people get paid (ones that DO get paid for their jobs). And since he only takes out trash and feeds the dog, that would amount to less than $30 for the whole month. Then he will have EXACTLY what he wants,...to be paid for the individual jobs.
Then throw your shoe at him (just kidding)

Salli

I agree with the other opinions, especially "Mommy W" -- I was going to suggest Dave Ramsey too, with the "commission" system: work, get paid; don't work, don't get paid; AND there are some things you do just because you're a member of the family, without pay, but you can be punished and/or have your commission taken away if you don't do the minimum.

Here's a possibly fun experiment for you to try: stop doing all the things for your children, unless they pay you out of their allowance! That's right -- no more grocery shopping, no more cooking, no more laundry, no more cleaning, no more taking them anywhere in the car (except to school) unless THEY pay YOU. After all, you're not getting paid to do those things! If your son won't lift a finger w/o getting paid, why should you? If he expects money for every little chore or other thing he does, why shouldn't you? If he's being selfish, why shouldn't you?

Of course, this experiment will probably be extremely short-lived, because it should open his eyes to how self-less you are, and how he ought to pitch in and help "just because."

Sixty dollars a month is very generous. We had six boys and couldn't afford to give them an allowance. However, they were expected to do basic chores, such as wash dishes on a rotating schedule (we didn't have a dishwasher) and take out the trash. The older ones also helped with their little brothers, anything from homework assistance to giving baths.

At age 13, kids do have attitudes. It's part of the growth process. But it doesn't mean you have to put up with the attitude. My youngest is 13. My favorite response is, "Excuse me?" And the look, of course. You have to give them "the look."

Teach your sons to be responsible and to work above and beyond, rather than doing the minimum. My four older sons are all out there and working (some also go to school) and all of them have been praised for their strong work ethic. In today's economy, it's especially important to be the kind of worker who goes the extra mile.

You will be doing much more for your son if you're tough with him now, and give him the skills he'll need to succeed in life. That's worth much more than $60 a month.

I'm sure you're getting lots of advice! You gotta love those teen years! My suggestion would be this: when your son wants to know what's for dinner, you can say, "Nothing, I don't get paid to make it." OR when it's time to take him to swim team, football practice, the movies, etc. and he wants to know when you're leaving..."Not until I get the gas money...after all, I'm not paid to take you to the ______." When the attitude starts, just remind him about the dishwasher incident. I would also try, in a calm moment, to remind him that all of you live in the house, all of you contribute to the dirtying and cleaning up. I would also explain your philosophy on allowances...if he has to equate it to work, you can too...give him a LONG list of what it takes to earn 30.00. At minimum wage (5.75 an HOUR)you can get a lot more work for what you're paying :). ESPECIALLY if 30.00 is his take home pay.

Hope this gives you some ideas.... Remember, teach...not punish!

T.

I think you need to stress to him that allowance is for certain chores, but he has responsibilities as a person living in the house to help take care of it. I think it is great that you are letting him earn his own money by doing chores, but he should be doing a lot more than emptying the trash and feeding the dog. He needs to understand that to get paid, those are the things he does. But, he also should have a list of OTHER things that he has to do to contribute. You should spell this out and make it part of his daily things he does. That way there is an expectation and you won't have to ASK him, he will know that these are the other things that he has to do and there is no pay for them. That way, he realizes that he has to contribute and doesn't get paid for it. Just like when he grows up and has his own house and doesn't get paid for taking out the garbage. It is hard raising teenagers and you doeserve a medal for all you are doing well..... Good luck.

Hi B.,
I give allowance to my teenager, but very little 'base' allowance, and that's only so he can have a constant amount to learn budgeting with. That amount can be taken away at any time if I see a less than willing attitude to help around the house when he's asked or if he doesn't faithfully do the few jobs we've set up for him to do. When he wants to make more money for special purchases, I keep a list of jobs I would be willing to pay him for, and we come to an agreed upon amount before he starts. If he does them well and in good time, he makes good money. But I could just as easily have him do those same jobs without pay. He knows I'm giving him an opportunity. I just want him to learn to earn honestly. As for the 'why should I do it if I'm not paid' attitude? I would almost wager that if you asked your son for money in exchange for a meal (even a cheap dollar menu meal).. say $2 for breakfast, $1 per load to get his clean laundry back, his share of your family's water and electric/ cable, etc... before he could shower, use the TV or computer..taxi fare up front before he got a ride anywhere.. it would take one day to break that attitude. ; ) Those who have to pay their own way need an income. Those who live for free, serve for free.

MY husband is a supervisor @ his job. He told me that the bottom line in every job description is, "AND ANY OTHER TASK THAT MANAGEMENT CONSIDERS NECESSARY"
By the way YOU are management
We have raised 3 sons to be fine young men
NOW ages 36,31, & ,this year in June, 21

B.:
Sounds like you didn't make it clear that you weren't paying them specifically for the chores, but giving them a stipend for their living expenses. Remind them you don't get paid for what you do around the house and neither will they. Then I'd tell them that a bad attitude shows you they feel "entitled" to that money and if it continues they will get "laid off" and go without for awhile. Kids have privileges, not rights, and as a teaching tool, it is your right as a parent to withhold those privileges if their behavior indicates they need to learn a few important life lessons. By the way, $30.00 seems like way too much for a 13 year-old. Is he saving any of it? I think this economy is a perfect chance to teach him some valuable lessons about money.
D. D.

Sit down with everyone. Tell them you are a team, you all have to chip in to get the job done. He has very little to do for 15 a week. That is where you made your mistake, he needs a chore daily. Could you give him a lot more to do and up it a little? Sounds like he needs a reality check, like a view of what it costs to run the house. Maybe you can give him more and allocate his clothing and lunches etc.

I think you got some great responses already. I too agree that $30 every 2 weeks is a lot ... Unless you have a lot of dogs or a lot of trash! A few months ago, I read a book by Robert J. MacKenzie called Setting Limits (it had a subtitle too). Anyway, he had some good info on chores including a list in the back of age-appropriate chores. I think James Dobson had some in one of his books too. I just can't remember the title. (Dare to Discipline, maybe) I think it was he who said that there are certain jobs that are part of helping the family (clearing dishes, making beds, etc.) and then, ones that are above and beyond to get compensated for like cleaning out the garage.

I think at 13 I was cooking some simple suppers without being asked. It was all part of helping take the load of mom and being a part of the family. We didn't get allowances, but we didn't ask for much either. We helped with the farm work and when the time came for an acitivity, we were given the money we needed.

My kids are small now, but I'm sure the day is coming that we will have this same discussion and I'll be back to ask you for advice.

Would you adopt me? I'd like to get paid that much for doing so little!

I'm kidding. I haven't had time to read everything, so my 2 cents may be a repeat. I think you should make it clear that you offer him that allowance for his daily help, cooperation, and participation with helping maintain the household. This does not define specific chores, but is more on the lines, if you help when I ask, with whatever I ask, then I will in turn help you out with some pocket money (which does seem a bit much for a 13 year old IMO).

If they insist on refusing to do this or that because it's "not their job", then simply break down the allowance and make them EARN it one dollar at a time. Take the trash twice a week (or as often as needed) there's a dollar. Empty the dishwasher every other day through the week, there's a dollar, etc. They need to EARN that money, if it is considered payment for their chores.

I only pay my older kids for things that require a lot of 'extra' work, like cleaning the garage, washing cars, or mowing and trimming the lawn (its a big yard). They are not paid for helping with daily routine things because those things are just part of life and everyone in the household has a responsibility to help.

Good morning,
i have a 13yr.old that has quite a mouth on her too.i found the thing that get to her the most is the thing she loves the most money,clothes and shoes.since you didn't pay him to clear out the dishwasher neither did you pay him to eat,drink or for the clothes you buy him.(you get my drift).he needs to know that your not paying him to do chores,its an obligation your just being generous.some times you have to fight fire with fire when it comes to children because they are very smart and you have to out smart them.most of all,be prayerful god always know best.thanks.keep me posted.

I recommend putting that $60/month into a college fund.
He should be required to do chores and not get paid for them because he lives in the house.
Reward him for his mouth and behavior. Any week he does not "mouth off" to anyone, he can be rewarded $10 AT THE END OF THE WEEK.
When school starts next August, he may be tame enough for your family to sit down and change the terms together as a family.

OH my goodness!! Teenzilla lives at your house too!! I am so sorry. Try taking away allowances forever. Why should they get money for picking up something they dirtied?? Tell him if he wants something to rake someones yard or babysit.
We have 4 children and have always had a chore chart. If they do their chores they can have privilieges, like computer time or TV time. Now that my eldest is gone the three youngest have a cat day, a dog day and a kitchen day. ON saturdays the cat day person has a set list of chores and so on. If they don't do their chores, they don't get computer time or whatever.
I also said to them we all live in this house you pitch in or I can find another arrangement for you like the garage. I have put my now 20 year old in the garage at night when he was belligerent.
We have been doing this for abotu 4 years and they now know to finish chores before anything else. THere is alos no fighting over who does what.

Keep the chores and the allowance seperate. He has to do chores because he is in a family and everyone has to do their part to keep the household running.Period. If he does not do it then next time he wants to watch a video, go out to play, etc. tell him no. Not doing chores should result in taking away of privileges. PLEASE PLEASE make him do this stuff. if not, his future wife will be miserable and believe me, she will blame you!

Agreed! There are some things you do because you are a part of the family. As my husband says, "I'll feed you!" whenever one of my girls makes a response regarding being paid. It makes me chuckle everytime. I think $30 is extremely generous...perhaps getting less would drive home the point. :) Good luck!

In the real world, sometimes we have additional job responsibilities given to us, and without a pay increase. When this happens, we are required to fulfill the new responsibilities as a condition of our employment. It seems that an allowance arrangement could certainly work the same way.

I can tell you that would make me out of sorts. I would ask him how much he think I (mom) am paid to do my job. I would then list all of the things that mom and dad do that do not have a monetary reward, but help make life more comfortable and happier as a family. Explain that as he gets old and wants more freedom, that he mush demonstrate the maturity to earn that freedom through being a productive and responsible member of the house and helping. The more you do now to show him that he should help, the happier his future wife will be. ( :

Good luck!!!!

I would tell both of your kids that there is a recession going on right now across the country... and including your house.

The new pay scale of allowance is based on actual work done, and now considered a 'reward' instead of allowance. Make a check list and note every time one son says 'no' to a chore.

Come payday (reward day), Give $ for help done around the house. This goes for the favors (chores) asked to be done, as well as the things they do without having to have been asked to do...

Remind them that it is a privledge to be given money for helping around the house.
So many kids these days are not so lucky.

C. Gayle

I would highly recommend the book Teen Proofing by John Rosemond. Your son has the wrong ideas, and this book would help turn him around to your way of thinking. www.rosemond.com (I got the book cheap on amazon).

Try not doing his laundry for a week. When he asked about why he doesn't have clean clothes, tell him you don't get paid for that.
Might work with a few meals, too.
W.

I definitely recommend John Rosemond's Teen Proofing! I also recommend Dave Ramsey's course for teens. John Rosemond for discipline and Dave Ramsey for teaching the basic principals of money matters. Schools do not teach the things that Dave teaches and things that should really be known as a teenager about money.

Hi B.,

I think if I was you, I would remind my kids that Im their Mother. You have been loving and caring for your kids since the day they were born. You made sure they had food in their stomaches, clothes on the backs, and a roof over their heads. And, you do many other things that mothers have to do for their children.......Remind them of this, and then ask them when are you going to start getting paid.

I'd say make some quick and effective consequences simply for the ATTITUDE! Say, 'OK mister, no allowance for you for the next two weeks -- at all. When you have a different attitude, we'll talk.' And leave it at that (and carry through, of course). An allowance is just that -- something you ALLOW them just for their benefit. If you agree to pay them for chores, so-be-it, but NO you shouldn't be made to feel that you're an ogre for expecting them to become responsible young men. That's YOUR job, for heaven's sake!

OK, I'm off the soapbox, now! LOL

We cut out the allowances for our kids because we kept hearing "How much will I get paid?" everytime we asked them to do something around the house. We went back to the "You live in this house, so you can contribute something to its care and upkeep". We also reminded them that we DO give them money, as needed, for most things. If there is something they want to save up for, then they will offer to do something extra to earn the money. I must add, they have been learning a life lesson about how much actually gets done by me around the house this past week, since I broke my foot a week ago! I have to ask them quite often to get or do something and after the first couple of days, I've heard NO complaints!

I agree with much of the other responses you have already received. Firstly, 13 yrs. old is quite the age of rebellion. My son is now 18 and we have been through the usual teen stuff but I have definitely been blessed. We expected that he would help around the house for no pay. Once he reached a certain age, we paid him to mow the yard-- $20 which was quite a deal as other lawn care businesses cost way more. He also picked up several jobs mowing other neighbors yards. Even now as he has a part-time job and is 18, we ask him to do certain chores and he gets to use his father's vehicle/truck for transportation. We expect him to do something in order to support the truck use. You may want to explain that your son has the benefit of living rent free, food, clothing, transportation, etc. Maybe a realization of what it costs to keep a house might impress him in some way. Just recently, my husband handed my son a bill and asked him to pay it. His pay check for a week wouldn't have covered half and that was only one bill! I, too, think you are way over paying him. I can see why he has copped an attitude, if I might say. You have made him expect the hand outs. It really doesn't help him learn the value of living in a household. If you pay that much, you might want to have him pay for his clothes or shoes or whatever, so he starts to learn what is the price of items. He may start shopping the dollar stores when he has to budget! We also make our son bank a portion of his check. We gave him a gift of one year of free car insurance. So when he starts paying we are planning to take the money and bank it for use later, maybe in college. I have learned with my son to be straight with him and he understands how things work. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Does your son have food to eat, a place to sleep, a roof over his head and clothes on his back? If so, why do you owe him anything. When my kids were small allowance was luxury I gave them for doing things when asked, not just specific chores as they also had those on the fridge to do daily. If chores were completed as instructed, without any disrespect, then the received their reward(allowance). If at anytime during the week they sassed or said "that's not my job", I made a deduction from their reward. This was to teach them respect and responsibility, not just to have spending money.
Today, I have 2 elementary school teachers and 1 Electronics Engineer. I done this as a single mother with a full time job.
Hope I wasn't too "preachy".
Good Luck

woah, take that boys allowance away! you may not have your garbage taken out but he wont get his money to spend on cd's games or whatever they spend it on these days!

B.,

You are coming to a crossroads with your 13 yr old. He is reaching the age where he is challenging himself and authority figures. Maybe it is time to change the way he gets allowances. After you and your husband have discussed how to makes changes sit down and let your son have some say in it...Here is how it was done to me...I had certain chores I had to do at home b/c that is what we did as a family...we had a responsibility to do out part. We had to make sure our clothes were picked up and put in the laundry (or they did not get washed), we helped in the kitchen (unloading/loading dishes, clearing table) and we were responsible for our room...as we got older chores were changed to meet out age. My brother would do trash and mowing. Now, anything outside those specific chores we would get money. That is where you can sit down with your son and talk about which extra chores he would get an allowance on. I hope this made since. Good luck!

First of all, does your son still have any teeth in his head? LOL. Sorry, just don't think that response would have went very well in our house (not that I hit my children, it just would have caught me off guard). Our children do not get allowances, however we do buy things for them they want (not all the time, depends on what it is), so they tend to make out better in that regard. We teach our children that this is "our" home, not just my husband and my home. If they live in it, they have to share in the work. I am a REALTOR and my husband is a Marine. We both work a lot of hours and our children are home a lot more than we are. It is just unreasonable to expect me to do everything we they are here more and would be watching TV or playing games. Maybe you should explain to your son that when he gets a "real" job that there will be a lot of things his boss expects of him that is not in his job description. However, he will do them or he won't have a job.