Teenager

My best guess is that she doesn't like the fact that your house has rules (like no sneaking boyfriends in or lying) and she's rebelling. Even if she doesn't have a good relationship with her dad, she might think that he won't be as involved in her life, and that's what she thinks she wants.

How is your relationship with her dad? Could you talk to him about what is going on with her, tell him that you think she wants out of your house because she thinks she will have more freedom at his, and ask him to back you up in having her stay at your house? At the same time, she may really be looking for some male attention and validation right now, and it would be a lot better for everyone if she could get that from her dad, rather than from the boys she's trying to sneak into your house. So if Dad could be convinced to have a date with his daughter every few weeks, that might improve their relationship and the way she feels about herself. It also might improve the situation at your house because she'll see that Dad wants the best for her and he's not going to ignore everything she's doing wrong. If she sees that you and Dad are om the same page, she might just stop wishing to move out because she'll think that she'll have the same sort of rules at both houses.

Best of luck!
N.

L.,

I really feel for you. I both WAS your daughter a zillion years ago, and then had a teenage daughter go through this exact thing. I fought like crazy with my mom, never ever saw my dad, and nevertheless, decided to go live with my dad. My mom says she cried when I left. Guess what? It lasted less than four days!

Then history repeated itself in my own daughter (now 21). Her dad and his wife just thought she was the biggest failure, pain in the a--, and problem child and it hurt her like crazy. Nevertheless, a time came when she and I were butting heads and she decided she wanted to go live there... It was just a couple of weeks until she remembered why she felt so worthless over there - she fought like crazy with her very territorial step-mother and her father stood by passively and didn't help smooth things over at all. She was back in no time.

So, not every father is horrible. Not every stepmother is a stepmonster, but if the dynamics are what you say, she's just looking for a way to escape your diligent parenting (don't stop) and/or to "pay you back" for being in her face all the time. I can't predict what will happen, but unless you believe your ex is dangerous or totally negligent, let her give it a shot - even support her decision to go (you can cross your fingers behind your back if you need to). The adjustment (for both of them) is likely to be so unpleasant that she may realize that you're really on her team and turn around and come home. If she doesn't, you may find (as I did with my daughter) that distance and breathing room create a better feeling between the two of you that will lead to healing of your relationship with her. And while she's gone, try to be as nice to yourself and self-indulgent as humanely possible, because having your baby walk out the door like that - and not knowing or having any control over stuff going on - is excruciatingly painful and frightening! But this too shall pass...

Honestly, this is the hardest time in your relationship with your daughter. My two oldest are 21 and 23, and we're finally extremely close again. She WILL come back to you, so to speak. Have faith and God bless...

S.

As hard as it is...LET HER GO. My daughter was not that bad...however her and her dad DID have a pretty unsettling relationship. There were times that she actually refused visitaions. Something came up and she wanted to go live with him. For the life of me..I couldn't understand why? I let her. Figured it would eliviate some of my stress and I would still have a relationship with her. It was probably one of the smartest choices I made as a mother. Don't get me wrong. I cried so hard, missed her so much. Eventually, her realtionship with her Dad developed quite nicely. She is now a "daddy's girl". I see her all the time without all the stress, I go to all of her functions at school and am not as sad anymore becuase I thought I was losing her. Let her know however that if she makes this choice you will not have a revolving door. This IS IMPORTANT. Eventually she will learn to play one parent against the other. Also, work very hard on developing a decent, sound relationship with the ex. (Maybe HARD, I know) But she needs to know you guys are working together. Every year my kids wonder how I know what they got for Christmas even before they tell me. It's because we work together even down to the littlest of things. I feel bad for you, but know everything will work out for you and your daughter in the long run. There is nothing quite like the bonds of Mother and Daughter. Good luck sweetie!!!!

hi L. im A. at the age your daughter is you are almost better to let her go. my son is the same age and he has jumped back and forth between the 2 of us for years everytime he gets into trouble at one of the places he runs to the other, i finally told him i was tired of fighting with him and that he is almost an adult.but i also told him that i would always love him nop matter what. i know that this is very hard on you and for that im very sorry to hear. i do know what you are going through. hope i have helped out some.
A. H

Hi, L.,
I realize you've already gotten a solution here, but I'd like to throw in my two cents if you'll listen. When I was 16, my parents got divorced, and I stayed a week with one parent, the next week with the other for a while. After a few months of this, my mother and I weren't getting along at all because of her alcoholism, and I decided it would be best for me to move in permanently with my dad. Once the custody battle was finally over and my father had sole custody of me, he started enforcing completely unreasonable rules, and would constantly choose his wife over me. (He even told me once that if the made him choose between she and I, I would be out on the streets) However, no matter how badly I felt for my decision, whether it was right or wrong for me, I only had to live there for a year. I moved out a couple months after I turned 18, and if your daughter thinks she really wants to move in with her dad, let her try it out. She may or may not like it, but in the end, at most, it only has to last until she's 18. After that, it really is her choice.
Anyway, I don't know if I've given any insight into the other side of the dilema (I feel like I haven't) but I will tell you one thing. I never missed my mother more than when I had to live with my dad. So, maybe, if nothing else, your daughter's experience at her father's may give her some appreciation for you that she's taken for granted.
Good luck!
E.

I do not have teenagers, but I use to be one. If your daughter has not had a good relationship w/ her Dad it would probably be worse if she lived w/ him. I would let her go and see that the grass is not greener on the other side.

I am sure it will be really tough. I would try to tell her you would prefer her to stay, reassure her that you love her and then if she insists let her go and learn her lesson the hard way.

However, I don't know what kind of talking terms you are on w/ her father..or if he even cares, but I would talk to him and tell him how she has been manipulating and lying and if he cares for her even a lick he will give her rules and make her abide by them. She's almost an adult (legally) and as parents this is your last chance to give any foundation of responsiblity and accountability.

Good Bless

I agree with Sandy. Bless your heart, Ive been that teenager and my now 9 year old daughter is proving to be equally as difficult as I was. Keep up your guard, your sterness, and your love and she will, one day, realize your faithfulness.

Hi L., I had the exact same thing happen with my daughter. She is now 20. My sister gave me the best advice. (It happened to her as well) If you let her go, don't call every day and don't pressure her, no matter how hard that may be. Call every three or four days, just to check in and keep it light. If she is doing it to get out from under your rules, this takes the pressure off and allows her to remember the good times. It doesn't take long for them to realize that their fathers are not wonderful and sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side. And it also takes the drama out. If she is doing it to get to you and you aren't reacting, what's the fun?

I really feel your pain and anger, it is so hard when they choose the other parent, when you have always been the one to love them and provide for them. Hang in there and remember, she may look and act grown-up but inside she's still your little girl.

D.

I have teenage daughters myself, so I can identify with some of the things you are going through. The only thing I can suggest is to let your daughter try living with her father. You never know, it may improve their relationship and bring you and your daughter closer. I have found that the more you oppose something with your teenager the more they become determined to do it. Sometimes they have to learn from their own mistakes.