Teenage Mom

http://www.positivediscipline.com

Call her and apologize. Tell her you were wrong to say such mean things and what you were trying to say is that you realize you have issues between you that need to be fixed. What you were really trying to say was that you love her and you don't want her to make bad choices. You'll have to make the first move since you slammed the door.

Hi Mom of a teenager. I know how you feel. I have a 16 year old as well and at times things can get a little overwhelming. You didn't say what kind of problems you were experiencing with your daughter,however I am sure the issues are about the same with most teens. Since you were the one who acted out in anger by telling her never to call or come see you again, then it's you who will have to make the first step. Plus you are the parent. :-) Call her and set up a time where the two of you can get together for dinner or lunch at a restaurant that both of you like. Apologize and let her know that you really didn't mean what you said as far as never calling or coming by to see you. And remember that your apologizing is not because of weakness but because it's the right thing to do. Let her know that you still love her and if she wants to come home she can. However, she still has to abide by your rules. Discuss those issues that make both of you upset and how the two of you can resolve them without getting so angry. Don't be upset with your daughter if she decides that she wants to continue living with her father. He should have rules as well that she needs to follow. Talk to him also. Make sure that he is enforcing curfew time and other rules that you had in your home. I hope all works out well between you two.

Be blessed!!

K.,
I have not dealt with this but as the mother you need to contact your daughter. I am sure that she is very angry and upset that you said you never wanted to see her again. And as a teenager she will be as stubborn as possible and will never contact you again unless she hears from you first and hears your apology. I'm sure you were hurt and upset but it is your responsibility to be the adult and to set the standard for respectful behavior. You should contact her and ask her to meet you somewhere for lunch so that it is neutral ground and have a heart to heart. If she storms out or doesn't agree to meet you the first time, try again. She'll come around eventually but she probaby does not trust you at this point and needs to feel like you want her and are sorry.

K.,
I would like to add just a few things from maybe a Teenagers point of view,b/c I remember those mother daughter hormone moments in my house like they were yesterday!Treat her like a HUMAN BEING not "some TEENAGER!"
Let her voice be heard and actualy listen to what she has to say or how she feels and why.You don't always have to agree with her or be ok with what she has to say or what she feels. But validate that she is entitled to her own thoughts and opinions and love her any way.They remember for the rest of their lives all of the bad things you called them or said to them.So make the one you said to your daughter the last comment she can hold against you for the rest of your life.Start to fill her memories with positive reinforcement and things she can pass on to your future Grandchildren.If you can't think of something nice in the heat of the moment walk away and don't say anything at all.Or better yet when she screams I hate you, hug her and tell her 3 reasons why you love her more than anyone else in this world and how that will never change.I don't care how mad any "TEENAGER!!!" is they want a mother that will love them for who they are, even when they have no idea who they are inside.Don't let her slip away that's too easy don't be that lazy Mom that dosn't want to work hard at her family.Family's are a life long career if you work hard you get rewarded,she's waiting for you to clock into her life again b/c quiting is not an option!You will b in my prayers.R. F

Hi K.,
I have a 19 year old son and when things get rough here, I call his Dad who lives very close to us to come get him out of the house for awhile. I usually set my boundaries and he knows if he wants to come back to my house he has to comply but I always keep the communication open and I would never tell him not to call me or not to come see me again because that is so final and does not encourage him to change his behavior. I'm not saying you were wrong in doing that because I don't know all of the circumstances but that would not be an option for me. Instead, I would set the boundaries of what you had to see change in your daughter's behavior to have her live with you but try to keep the communication lines open and invite her to go shopping or to lunch while she is living with her Dad now. This is an excellent time for you to work on your relationship with your daughter while she is living with her Dad and you don't have the day end and day out problems as you did with her living at your house. Always let her know that although you do not approve of her behavior, you love her unconditionally and because you love her you have to set boundaries to help her grow into a healthy, loving adult. It has probably also been hard on your daughter dealing with your second marriage and all of the changes that comes with that, although you didn't say how long ago this happened. When I remarried when my son was 11, it was devastating to him and he still talks of how it affected him negatively. 16 is a difficult age and it was much harder when my son was 16 although we still have some problems at 19. Our children choose their own path no matter what we as parents do sometimes and it is very difficult to watch a child we know is on the wrong path.
Wishing you all the best!
M.

first of all i would like to express how i feel and since you could tell your daughter never to call or come see you, you can and will handle what i'm about to say.

YOU ARE WRONG!!! You are an adult so act like it, your daughter on the other hand, is a teenager trying to find herself. You know what its like cause you were a teen yourself. Now because you wanted to act off of emotions, you have to take a lot of time to fix what you messed up, which is your relationship with your daughter. Put yourself in her shoes, if your mother told you that how would you feel? Or better yet if she disowned you because you got married at 18............You probably wouldnt talk to her ever again. Think about it!!

Go to your daughter and admit that you were wrong. Apologize and tell her you love her. Tell her you may not agree on everything but you will always love her.

I am sad to hear about your situation. Teenage years are difficult enough without single mom/ blended family issues. However, for women and teens they can be defining moments. I think it is up to you to reach out to your teen. She is a teen and has that excuse but there is no excuse for you telling her not to seek you out again. Heaven forbid, her dad mistreated or abused her. She now would feel that there is no one she can come to. I'm not saying you are wrong but she is a child and you are an adult so you must model what to do. You must show her how to resolve conflict. I would recommend counseling for you two alone or even just spending time with her weekly to build the relationship up again. I am saying a prayer for you both.

Unfortunately, you Should have dealt with it and I believe you need to rescind telling her to never call or come see you again. That was awful. You have to remember being a kid let alone a teenager-I am only 2 yrs younger than you and can. We all made mistakes at young ages especially in our teenage years because most parents allowed us make decisions of our own by then. That way we would learn how to make our own decisions and learn from them. Your daughter is going to make many and will hopefully learn from them but she needs to know that you will always be there to not necessarily bail her out but hold her hand and support her through the trying times and be there to talk to as she digs herself out of what ever hole she has gotten herself into.

Hi K.....hmm teenagers...will drive you insane, especially the girls, I have 2 daughters who between the ages of 12-20 gave me every grey hair I have. My best advice is not to close the door on your daughter; I know you were hurt by the fact that she wanted to live with her dad, but you have made things worse by telling her not to call or come see you again. She still needs you even if she doesn't know it right now. Continue to talk to her even when she acts like she isn't listening, because what is going to happen 1 year, maybe sooner maybe later she will come to understand that all you wanted was what is best for her. But it is going to take time and patience on your part. Always remember you are the adult here, she is still a "child" not in the sense of still needing you to tell her what to do, but in the sense of she is still very naive when it comes to "the ways of the world" and still needs her mom. I don't know how long you and your husband have been together but I am sure that is part of the problem, she is jealous, because now she has to share you with 2 other people. I urge you....talk to her, don't shut the door between the two of you. You will reap the reward in the end.

Good Luck!!

TALK TO HER!!

There is one thing you must always strive for with teenagers. Keeping the doors of communication open. Your feelings may of been hurt, but you slammed that door in her face. Call her and apologize, tell her your feelings were hurt, you miss her and love her. You are the adult and need to take emotional control of your relationship. A child must always know where to find their parents emotionally which means you must stay to the center where they can bank on finding you in times of trouble. If things are not working out at her Dads, which is more than likely, her pride is going to keep her from calling you. Always remember that we want to be role models for our daughters. Act strong, wise and kind to her. I promise you will come out the winner. You can do this. S.

You know i was on the other end of this problem when i was 16. I also moved out at 16 and my mother did not handle it very well she never outright told me not to call or come over but she just never called me or came to see me for years and years. I can tell you now that our relationship is still so very very damaged because of this.I am 27 years old now and have 2 children of my own and now she wants to be apart of our lives and to know my children and i have no desires to have a close relationship with her. I dont hate her or anything but the connection we once had is gone...she just waited too long to come back around and now i just dont have the desire to reconnect.Dont let this happen to you,pick up the phone and call your daughter..or better yet go over and see her.Why would you want to risk loseing her forever over your hurt feelings.Trust me the pain you feel now is nouthing compared to the pain and loss you will feel if she cuts you out for the rest of your life.Yor relationship with your daughter is worth more than your silly pride.You seem like an incredibly strong women who has made it through some tuff times in your life,it is time to let it go and enjoy what little time we all have with our loved ones. life is just too preciouse and too short to let this get in our way. I feel like there is no hope for my mom and i now,but there is pleanty of hope for you and your daughter. I know personally if my mom had just called me or came over in those hard times and not had just turned her back on me our relationship would be so much better now,and my children would know there grandma. Good luck . Love abby

Hello K.,
I am writing in no disrespect. I went through a similar situation with my mother & we no longer have a relationship of any kind! Your first mistake was telling your daughter to never call or see you again. You are her mother & should never say that to your child. It hurts you that she wanted to leave, but you are still the parent. I know from experience that you hurt her in a way that will never be forgotten. It is not fair for a child to think that it is so easy for his/her parent to give up on them. Again, I know you were also hurt but that's what kids do. They make their parents so incredibly proud at some moments & yet cause so much pain at others. It is not their fault they are children & will not learn or understand till much later in life the effects of their actions & words. You, being the parent, do not get the luxury of hurting your children. You had your chance with your own parents. I'm sure there are things you have said &/or done that have hurt your parents. You also need to remember that he is her father & you chose him as so. Even though things did not work out between you & him does not mean they should not between father & daughter. We always want our kids to love us more, but it is also great when they have that other person to love. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. For the longest time I thought my mother & I to be the best of friends, now we do not speak & she doesn't get to see her grandchildren. No mother & daughter (or son) should lose that important bond & relationship. She needs you, so don't push her away.

Dealing with teenagers can be so hard! Believe me, I've had my share with difficulties. But basically, the last thing you want to do is cut off your relationship with your daughter. You may be hurt that she decided to move to her Dad's house, but I believe that it's imperative for your lifelong happiness, and for hers, to reach out to her. This is important for the siblings and your husband, too. My advice would be to call her, and say that you are sorry that you told her not to call or come see you. You were understandably upset and hurt with her decIsion and said things you might have meant at the time, but were due to hurt and frustration. If she won't talk to you, write to her. Maybe your ex husband can help you with this. Tell her you understand how difficult it was for both of you to get along, but that you believe that you both can get over this by better communicating your feelings. I wouldn't set your goal right now to have her move back in with you--that might come later on. I think you should see if you can start seeing her every week or so on neutral ground, maybe for dinner or at an event she is doing after school, and gradually try to improve your relationship. If she rebuffs you, keep trying. Send her cards. Don't give up. At the same time, you could be reading up on techniques on dealing with teenaged girls, and even maybe have a session or two with a counselor who specializes in teenagers and might be able to give you some ideas.
Good luck.

I understand how you got upset when she moved out and in with her father. It does hurt. My son did the same thing when he was 15. He has been living with his father for about 2 years. While I don't always agree with some things his father does to raise my son, I know that my son is loved and well taken care of at his father's house. I work very hard to keep an ongoing relationship with my son. I see him two nights a week and every other weekend. If your daughter is being taken care of at her father's then it should be ok for her to stay at his house but you might want to try to establish a relationship with her again. Try small things at first. Call her and set up a lunch date. Talk to her. Find some time where she can visit or you can be involved in her life. She needs her mother. I think you may regret it if you don't at least try to become close with your daughter again. Teenagers are very challenging. Good luck!!!

K.,

I would suggest you write her a note to let her know how sorry you are for saying that. We all make mistakes, and speak in anger. It is so important for teens to feel loved at this age. Just letting her hear an apology and an I love you can not hurt. It is a difficult age. Do not be too hard on yourself.....we are human and do make mistakes. Hang in there!

Well it sounds like you had to deal with some very serious issues. How is she doing with her father?
I think you need to form some kind of relationship with her so that in the future you dont regret not having her in your life. teenagers are very hard to deal with at times. They need love and they need to know that despite their behavior you still love them. I am sure it was not an easy decision for you to send her to her dads and say "get out of my life". I just hate to see either of you look back with regret. You dont have to like one another but we are meant to love.
I will say prayers for guidance for you both

My heart goes out to you & your daughter. When my son was 15 he also decided to go live with his father. I was devestated but assured my son that I loved him so much & would always be here for him. I would encourage you to contact your daughter & explain to her how her decision hurt you, swallow the hurt & open the lines of communication. My mother used to tell me "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife" Your daughter is at an age where she desperatly needs her mom. I also have 3 daughters (2 from my first marriage) & I would be so hurt if my Sami went to go live with her father but I would hope I could still build our relationship. Good luck, you will be in my thoughts.

Catherine, great advice. In addition I would also suggest family counseling (if not with a psychologist then at least with a qualified leader your local church if you attend church).

K.,

Please, Please, Please consider what you have done and make it right. Your daughter is a child and has just been rejected and pushed away by the very person she should be able to count on for UNCONDITIONAL love.

I don't care what she did before she left, to tell her never to call her own mother again - at a time when she needs you the most - because you are hurt by her decision is not okay. Teens will be teens. They will hurt us, frustrate us, disappoint us... BUT, as their parents, we must not retaliate. I am not talking about NOT disciplining... just not cutting off a relationship.

K., please call her today. Write her a note... whatever, but apologize for what you said and assure her that you LOVE her and want to be her mother... no matter what she does or where she lives. Being rejected by your mother is not easily "gotten over"... Be the mother you started out to be and reach out to her. She is still your baby.

M. Pippin
www.moms-work.com

Hi K.
I am sorry to hear about your issues with your daughter. Living in a stepfamily especially with teenage children is very difficult.
Children of divorce often have difficulties adjusting to a new family life. They often have conflicting emotions about loyalty issues and at the same time trying to understand themselves.
There is an excellent website that is helpful to get ideas on how to deal with teens. I mention the stepfamily because I sense that this might be an underlying issue even though you didn't mention it upfront. This site is www.stepfamily.org .
As for your daughter, may I suggest that you make the first move by asking her out for an outing such as going for a soda/coffee or even such a bit together. Going to a neutral area with facilitate the conversation between both of you. I would also suggest to keep the first few outings very casual. You will need to build trust between both of you before any type of "heavy" conversation will happen. Teens are very complexe yound individuals and many times, they have a hard time understanding themselves. They want a parent but they also want their independance.
I would also make a list of questions that you would like to ask her eventually in order to help you stay focus on what it is you want out of this relationship. It will take time and a lot of energy, but I think that in the long run, it will be worth it.
As a life coach, I have told moms that it is really important for children to know that they are loved but that you need to be respected and have boundaries.
I hope that this will help somewhat.

C. C.
www.coachingsteps.com

Hi K.,
I have 3 daughters all grown through those years. One of my girls went through a simular time. Hormones is all most of it is. She needs to know that you love her dispite all her emotional ups and downs. You have to reconnect with her. What I found was to write things down that are important to set boundries. Like what time to be home, parties, always knowing where she is. Her world is getting bigger everyday and there is lots of danger in it. You and your X need to decide together on disipline and stick to it just like when she was 2. The written note to yourself will provide you with guide line as to what is important to you. You will only have about 15 min. tops to talk to her about these issues. After that her brain will shut down (she can't help this) and your conversation will be done. I used to get very frustrated only having a couple of min. to discuss issues but keeping it short and to the point helps. Discovery Health has a program called the Body Human. The episode on teen years gave me insight on what happens to the teen's body and brain. Watch it if you can. It will help you.
Be patient,
C.

Hi K., i am very sorry for your situation and have a question.. Have you ever had a really good relationship with your daughter? I have two daughters and the three year old and I are great.. her personality is just a positive one. But my 9 year old is a negative girl, and always has an attitude.

Anyway, one thing I think might be good is maybe to write your daughter a letter. You guys can start there. It is not a good thing for a mom to tell her child never to call or come by again. You know, never is a very long time. Obviously, you love your daughter but do not like her-- this is common. But a letter to her every now and then would be good I think.. even if she doesn't write back (that could be a good thing anyway) and if she does-- maybe a close friend could read it and just tell you the general idea-- because if it is hateful.. that will hurt and stress you. We mothers have the BIG BIG job of unconditional love... It might be a good thing that she lives with her dad.. this could even bring you guys closer over time. But you have to let her know that you still love her. God Bless you K.!! Don't forget to answer my question at the top please. Thanks good luck

Hi K.,

My name is S. and I am a parent of two teenagers and one soon to enter the teen years. I have all daughters.

I have not been through a divorce so cannot understand that side of it, but I it is hard dealing with the teen years. I've heard one guy (Dr./psychologist) refer to it as 'riding the rapids' and, 'just try to make it out alive'! ;o)

But seriously, my husband does come from a divorced family and he had a hard time of it. His Mom really made him (and his sibs) feel bad about seeing their Dad at all.

I don't know...I hate to tell you what to do; but I think that making such final statements is hard, ya know. Have you thought of reaching out to her yourself? She may just be following your advice and not calling you as you told her as:

'when she left I told her never to call me or to come see me again.'

I'm guessing you both need each other even though you're going through something really hard and difficult. Is there a way you could still love her and be there for her even though her choice to live with her dad hurts?

I've always heard that kids push us away during these years, but they really want to know we still love and care about them no matter what, unconditionally. It's part of their becoming independent...the pushing away....and becoming 'adults'.

Also, I've heard people and kids save their worst behavior for those they feel safest with.

If you want I could send you a copy of something that I read in book on forgiveness that really struck me lately. It's long but really good. Let me know.

Have you ever thought of talking to a counselor maybe on your own or with her? Or having her go? I think school counselors are trained to help with these matters and they are free and some schools have classes in the evenings or after school to help kids going through divorce (support there to of other kids going through it).

Anyhow, hope this helps in some way.

Please take what you like and leave the rest.

Blessings dear.

S.

While you did not go into details about the cause of the problems with your teenage daughter, I must assume it has to do with her attitude and behaviors that differ from your expectations of her.

If this is the case, understand that the developmental stage she is in is normal. She is going through changes in her mind, her body and her soul. She is attempting to express herself as some one different than you and your expectations because she wants to be an indiviual and be accepted by you and her peers. All of this is natural including bumping heads with her Mom and other people of authority.
Your daughter is also very afraid right now and feeling insecure while she is going through this stage of her developmental life. She will need a friend she can trust and someone who will not judge her but will gently guide her with patience and understanding while she figures out herself and her place in this world. You of course want that person to be you and not another teenage girl or boy. She will do some things that are self destructive and perhaps be involved in activities that are not in her best interest. She is exploring boundaries to see how much she can get away with. Don't judge her but rather engage her in conversations where she feels free to say what and how she is feeling while you listen and not comment.
Afterwards, ask her is it alright if you tell her what you are feeling. Tell her how scared you are of loosing her and how much you do not want her to be harmed by the outside world. Tell her you want to protect her but you also know that she is growing up and has to learn for herself even if she gets hurt. Tell her you felt the same way when you became a teenager. Let her know you also had to learn about the importance of designing the life you wanted to live, school, grades, responsiblities, family, friends. But nothing is more important to you right now than the love and respect you and she can have for one another, and you are willing to try.

She needs to know that you love her and will always love her although you might disagree with her actions and attitiudes..(even if you do not think you love her right now).. Tell her you will always be there for her whenever she needs you so she will never feel like she is forever alinated from you. (No child wants to loose contact with their mother no matter what they say or do, so you know she is in pain and so are you.)

Why am I suggesting you take this approach? Because she is a child and you are the adult. You must be able to say to her that you are sorry and you never wanted to hurt her or make her feel unloved. Tell her you understand that the two of you are going through this challenge in your relationship as Mother and Daughter and that you do not have all of the answers and you are not always the stronger one. Tell her you could use some of her wisdom, her patience, her understanding while you grow as a Mother.
You must give her the OK to come back into your life when she is ready, not when you decide.
This will allow her to see you as a person with personal feelings and a person who is willing to take responsiblility for your actions, emotions, attitudes, and mistakes. You create an opening for her to choose, own her decisions, and take credit for the consequences and not be told what to do and when and how. This is the beginning of developing the adult traits inside of her. By showing her this new side of you, You will become a mirror for her to emillate and not some one to compete with.
This all may be hard for you as it is with every parent, but forget about what has happened in the past and take the opportunity to create a better future by letting go of the past, forgiving yourself and her and begin to be present with your daughter now.

You will never regret taking these actions towards creating a better relationship with someone you want to love and she will learn how to develop and manage herself inside of challenging relationships, which she will have to do in life. In the end, everyone involved will become enpowered to become who they are and be loved for themselves. Thus Happiness will return to your family even if it comes in the back door, just be patient. It could take 2-3 years but it will come.

I don't want this to come out wrong, but first of all, you are the adult and SHE IS A TEENAGER! We were all there once and the one thing we needed was unconditional love and support and stability. First, you need to apologize to her (to show her how it's done) and second, you need to ask her for her forgiveness (since forgiveness is essential in life). We all make mistakes, it's getting over them that's the hard part. I am not the parent of a teenager, but I can remember being a teenager, from a broken home and I know that I craved stability. If she is finding that with her father, than why are you mad at her since you were not providing that to her (shown by your inappropriate reaction)? All you can do now is hope she knows how to forgive you. Good luck and really, I hope you understand that I am trying to be helpful and not hurtful.