Do any of you have daughters age13-14 on FaceTime, or all these apps all night long with their friends? 8th grade started and seemed a big change in teens time , involvement etc. she comes in does homework and runs to her room, to text, FaceTime, snapchat whatever it is with her friends. She went from being obsessed all summer with Netflix to constantly on FaceTime. She has a few chores does what she's asked, doesn't talk back is genuinely a good kid. Good grades etc.. I get she is probably at the age that all she wants are her girlfriends. The sleepovers are starting to slowly increase not a lot yet, but the occasional one. She's rarely involved in home conversation unless we go to dinner. Sometimes I feel she'd rather stay home to just FaceTime her friends. She was invited to a family friends party a year younger then her. And she didn't want to go. I was surprised she usually would jump at the Chance but she was like I'm going to be tired she's younger etc.
I guess this a normal teen thing, for a girl , with technology it has changed how things are done. I remember being on the phone a lot and had my own line but I do not remember being on it all night long until bedtime ,, do u let your teenagers do this or do u have boundaries etc. ? she's a good kid, . But seems she's growing up, detaching and just trying to process all this change in her. Thankfully no boys yet..
Lol. Love the diverse comments some more laid back and others woah!
No she's not allowed all night on her phone etc. she is to turn it off around 9-9:30. If she's on it. If she is we give her a warning. She's the type of kid u do t really gave to remind to do the right things. She follows rules, does what's she's asked, does her homework on her own without any talk from anyone. She knows her responsibilities. She has her phone for her emails texts etc as well. She does her own laundry, she keeps her room clean helps st dinner makes her own lunches , she was a cheerleader or 2 years and took a break this year to do drama. So she's in a play and tech week she will not have any time for this. She's even missing Halloween to be in this play. Her friends are busy they play volleyball or are dances etc. but someone is usually available when she is. She is not allowed to use her phone at dinner time. If she or her older brother do we tell them to check at counter. But they do "eat and run" to their rooms. I do have them help clear table etc. or call them back. Dinner out we've had to set a rule of no phones. She likes to snapchat everything! Food photos etc. we did discuss having a no tech day or hours on the weekend where we are all doing something together. They almost freaked. It's their life line. For her like I said she's a good kid does what she needs to and yeh if she's up late she suffers the natural consequences and usually will go to. BEd early the next day. But school nights she has a bedtime still. But yep teens are very different. And with technology they need it for almost everything nowadays
She's a normal teen. She's supposed to be more interested in her friends than in her parents. As long as it's not interfering with her school work or chores, I wouldn't worry about it.
Yes, most teens these days are glued to their phones/computers most of the time, when allowed to be.
I don't know why this seems to be so hard for parents to figure out. My daughter just turned 17 and my son is almost 14. I collect their phones and tablets every night at 8pm. Then when I go to bed I take them all with me and charge everything in our bedroom.
That way they have some down time before they go to sleep and can do other things that are not electronics. I have NEVER had a problem with them going to sleep or waking up on their own in the morning.
Don't fool yourself and think just because you tell your kid to get off their phone at night they are...unless you actually have the phone yourself, it's likely she will get right back on it and/or wake up and "check" it and be on it then too. She is too young to be doing that, especially with face time or Skype or any app that allows you to see each other. I shouldn't have to tell you that kids are showing things online that they shouldn't. I would not risk that for my kids. Even if they are "good kids", once something like that happens then it's out there and you can't get that back.
Put some rules in place. Just because she is "good" doesn't mean she rules the house and can do as she likes. Same thing for your son. Good luck.
It's normal to be all fired up about new technology, and if she has new friends/classes, that adds to it. Some beginning detachment is normal as teens work their way toward independence.
But if she "runs to her room" and is doing all of this out of your earshot and eyesight, you need to rein her in. You can (and should) allow a certain amount of FaceTime with friends (just as you probably had phone time in your teens), but you have to supervise more and limit more.
So far, her grades are good. But it's September. She has new teachers/classes, and if she's rushing through the work and ignoring her family so that she can be with friends "all night long" (whatever that means), there's a huge potential for risk here.
I would implement a "FaceTime hour" and have some family time such as family dinners. No way would I allow her to only have a conversation if you go out to dinner!
Chores when she's asked? Great. But does she have anything regular to do rather than just respond to your requests? She should start doing her own laundry, for example, or doing some food prep/clean-up. These are skills she will need when she goes to college, and believe me, kids don't automatically learn those at 18. She's also going to want a driver's license in a few years, and she needs to be in the habit of being both responsible and responsive to you and others. You cannot have an obsessed teen driving and also wrapped up in texting/FaceTiming.
So what limits to you place on her? Are you looking at her texts and posts? Do you know what "all these apps" are, what they do, and what innocuous apps may be hiding underneath? Have you gotten educated about the trouble kids get into that starts with "innocent" sharing of photos. If not, why not? You are her parent, you are paying her phone and internet bill, and you have to monitor things. If she's doing things a parent doesn't know about, she's doing something wrong. And if she gets into all kinds of sleepovers (which I generally think are good things) with a technology risk added in, then the situation can increase in its danger level.
She may be innocent right now, but you have to nip some of this in the bud. And if you are minimally connected with her because she's not involved in family functions or dinners unless in a restaurant, you can miss signs of problems.
Set up a reasonable amount of time, and then the phone comes to a central and public location for recharging while she reads, showers or does more homework before bed. She should be off-screen for at least an hour before she goes to bed just for good sleep.
You are the parent and control screen time. Set the rules now!
It's so easy for this stuff to get addictive.
You need some firm boundaries with this now before it becomes an addiction.
Sleepovers - was never a fan of that happening a lot either - never on a school night and limit during vacation times so as not to have her wear out her welcome.
An hour of use after all work and chores are finished is all the screen time she 'needs'.
After that you take the device and charge it/lock it up in your room till the next morning.
Same for lap tops, ipads and other internet devices.
You're not done raising her.
When she's an older teen and off to college - THEN she'll call the shots - until then - get those boundaries in place.
You think nothing could go wrong with allowing her all this device freedoms at this age?
My niece - all into the devices and sleepovers - had one of her 'friends' post a nude picture of her over the internet.
They say "everybody's doing it!"- that just is an instant argument loser in our house.
That will be out there one way or another forever.
Teens brains are still developing and they are capable of making some stupid choices.
She still needs you as her safety net even if it pisses her off in the short term.
Not every girl her age is like this, but i think many are. My nieces are 14 & 16. The 14 year old is just like this and has been for the past couple of years. When we get together as a family at their house, after about 2 hours she's asking her mom if so and so can come over or if she can go to such and such's house. She's not rude to us. She's just eager to get back to her social life. When the get together is elsewhere she doesn't always come. The 16 year old comes to everything and hangs out with her cousins. She has her social life, but she's less intense about it.
I really think your daughter's behavior is normal. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy. That's something you have to decide. If some of it is unhealthy for her or for the family, you'll need to start thinking about boundaries and limitations.
R.,
My question is WHY do you allow this?
My daughter is 30 - thank God we didn't have cell phones when she was a teenager.
My boys are 14 and 16. Their cell phones are NOT in their bedrooms. They are left in the den. This avoids ANY problems.
You need to set the rules, enforce the rules. YOU NEED TO BE THE PARENT!!! Stop trying to be her best friend and understanding and BE THE PARENT!!!
I was NOT allowed to make phone calls after 9PM or before 9AM unless it was an EMERGENCY - like fire, dying, etc. My parents did NOT allow me to talk on THEIR phone incessantly - I'll date myself - way back when we were charged for long-distance calls and the like.
When we go out to dinner? Phones are NOT allowed out. We eat dinner as a family - NO PHONES. I don't know what you allow phones at the dinner table anyway?!! WTH!? Parent up here R.. You're NOT doing your child any favors by allowing this behavior.
Nope. My daughter is 13, has an iPhone6, and doesn't have time to be on facetime on a regular basis. She does enjoy her alone time in her room to decompress, and I get that. I was 13 once too and I remember it. But she also joins the family for games, movies, etc. We love to watch Blue Bloods as a family...so we all do that. We're also huge Patriot fans, so she always watches the football games with me.
As far as boundaries, I trust my 13 year old to know what's good for her. She knows she has to get up at 5am, and some nights doesn't really get home until after 9. So if she stays up all night on her phone, she's only hurting herself. Natural consequences. My boys are 11 and 9 and still need the reminder. But each kid is different.
I'm also friends with a lot of her friends on IG and Snapchat. I don't really know how to use Snapchat that well, but I can follow what her friends are doing...and I have no problems. When I see one, she and I discuss.
I was in high school though when I stayed up late talking to my best friend at the time, who was a boy. My parents never gave me a hard time - because it was a natural consequence if we stayed up forever talking.
this has got to be a difficult marshland for parents to navigate these days. yes, kids need to figure out for themselves how to handle technology and weigh the balance of on-line friendships versus face-to-face interactions, and yes, there are natural consequences to doing stupid things like staying up all night to face time.
i like natural consequences.
but studies are showing that social media apps are actually rerouting brain synapses, and we're not sure how this is going to play out in the long run. as in so many things, we're all guinea pigs and i myself would not be very relaxed about my kids' brains being beta testers.
(they were to a degree. and both my kids are big gamers even now as adults and are never without their phones. but they also have college degrees, responsible jobs and busy offline social lives, so i guess they're okay. i hope.)
being the Technology Police rarely works well. convoluted rules about how many real-life tasks must be accomplished before social media can be indulged in tends to a) be really hard for the parents to manage and b) make the reward all the sweeter and increase the frantic desire to get on a screen with friends.
but boundaries are part of parenting, and i think when the rubber meets the road, that's the place to come back to.
a basket on the kitchen counter where the devices go when there are chores or homework to be done, meals to be shared, and at bedtime is a great place to start. and violations mean the removal of devices period, which is so dire (alarmingly) for most kids that it's a potent deterrent.
that's not enough for all kids, and too much oversight for some parents, but i think it's a good place to start, and you can tweak it from there.
it's great that she's such a good kid, and yeah, in some ways it's like teenagers of old hanging upside down from their beds and yakking on the phone (which was attached by a sproingy cable to main unit. seems so antiquated now.)
but not really. in the 60s and 70s that would go on for an hour or two here and there, and sheer logistics would put an end to it. today it's an hour or two that kids AREN'T attached to some device.
i hope you're able to find the happy medium for your family.
khairete
S.
I'm not sure what your "real" question is. I read what you wrote a few times, and it sounds like you are happy with your daughter and the way that she uses technology. Okay then! (Re: your "do u have boundaries etc" question, it sounds like your reply to anyone who DOES have boundaries is just to further explain why your daughter does not need boundaries.)
My dd is in 8th grade...same thing. I make her friend me on all social media so I can see what's going on.
About 5 kids from her school just got suspended for nude photos on social media...I don''t know the details and my kid isn't friends with any of them, but it goes to show how quickly things can go wrong.
I have her complete all homework first and she goes to sports practice 2 nights per week. On weekends, she's usually doing something with us or with friends. Overall, she does spend some time on her phone, but not overly excessive just because she has other things going on.
The kids who have moved on to high school in 9th grade are pretty busy with all the school activities which keep them dealing with people in person rather than on their phone. So hopefully it gets a little better
It's pretty simple - we have a time that granddaughter has to turn in her phone every night - 9:00. So, she's off the phone while doing homework, during dinner, while she's doing the dishes and then the phone is turned off and turned in to me at 9:00. That gives LOTS of time for us to talk (during dinner, while she's doing dishes, and after 9:00).
All night? You let her do that all night? Like in the middle of the night? Or do you mean in the evening until bedtime?
IF indeed she is staying up til the week hours on the phone, you should have put the kabosh on that the first time you found out that she did it. That phone should have been in YOUR HANDS until her chores and homework were done, and then again at her bedtime hour.
If you are just talking about until bedtime, (which "all night long" doesn't mean til bedtime), then you need to dole out the phone only an hour each night. And hold on to the phone after bedtime. You give her no incentive to engage with family.
She will try hard to punish you when you take away her phone. But if you perservere, she will eventually decide to re-engage with her family.
My 14 year old loves her i-phone. It is normal. FaceTime is always on. She's constantly on it when she's at home. It's like her peers she's on FaceTime with, are present in a similar way than when they are physically visiting. They just get included in on family chit-chat. It's not a bad thing. My DD also plays on the volleyball team, does her homework in the family room, and spends plenty of time socializing out of the house. She has data limits, but aside from that, we allow her to self-regulate. It's her responsibility to get up for school and take care of her homework, chores, etc. It doesn't bother me that she's on her phone before bed, because after a long day of school, sports, and homework, that's how she winds down. It's certainly not an all-night activity because she's fast asleep by 10 or 10:30. We took the phone from her once last summer for a week when she mis-used it, but other than that we don't micro-manage her screen time.
My daughter sounds fairly similar, only she's 15 and not on her phone constantly. But she wouldn't have much interest in a younger person's party. She does keep her phone handy and responds and snapchats her friends while she is watching TV or doing other things. But she doesn't stay on it all night (late, when she should be in bed). She chooses her own bedtime, and when she is ready, she goes to sleep. This is early (she gets up @ 5 a.m. to catch a 6:08 a.m. bus), by her own needs/choosing. On the weekends, I don't really care. If it were to interfere with her getting up when her schedule required (even for weekend activities) then I'd speak to her and put limits in place. But really, she is mindful of what is expected of her (not just by me, but in the various activities she participates in) and likes to excel at everything, so she doesn't mess around or let herself be distracted if there is work to be done, or she needs sleep.
You can nudge your daughter to make wiser choices (help her, provide guidance, make suggestions after asking about her schedule, what's due, how tired she is during the day, etc.) but I would try not to drop the hammer on her and just TELL her a cut off time. She's approaching the age when she needs to learn self-control. In 3 more years (roughly) she'll be on her own and must be able to manage this stuff herself.
Bedtime is bedtime. She needs time before bedtime to wind down and get settled down.
Our girl gives us her phone to put it on the charger about an hour before bedtime.
I wholeheartedly agree with Diane B & Osohapi & Wild Woman. I say this because even though your daughter sounds like a great kid; gets good grades is involved at school etc.. I am now a moderator for Kik messaging app and these kids have 2nd lives/split personalitie(s). You have to familiarize yourself with Snapchat, Instagram, all the other apps thats on her electronics. Not to mention kids also have second accounts on a lot of things and there's these apps you can put on your phone where they can hide files so even if you were to search your phone you might not find stuff and good kids can get lured in pretty easily... Choose some rules, get her input but you have final say. Write up a contract, both parents & daughter sign off on it. Be consistent, be diligent.
Better to be safe than sorry. Good Luck!
-p
My daughter is 13, does well in school and is very involved in theatre. Since she is in school all day (she leaves the house at 7:00 and doesn't get home until 3:30) I think she earned the right to do what she wants during her down time. Obviously she must do her homework but other than that she is on FaceTime, snapchat etc. She is even snap chat with friends as I drive her to the bus each day. I must say though that I am typically texting with various friends when my husband is working at night.
Now once the weekend comes, she is all about hanging out with her friends. She's in a group of 9 kids (7 girls 2 boys) and they hang out together Friday and Saturday nights and they go to rehearsal together all day Saturday. I think it is healthy. My daughter is so happy and I am grateful she has such a nice group of friends.
