Teenage Etiquette

I think developmentally there are stages the brain goes through where they can do different things.

I think that as a young teen it would be something that they would always need a verbal prompt. They are processing and learning so many things each day it would be nearly impossible for them to remember something so trivial as to send someone a note about contacting them.

Sorry to put it like that but the more important things they are learning are higher mathematics, in depth science concepts, how to form essay answers in a better way and other English class foundational information that is preparing them for college.

They may not want to talk to Grandma or Aunt XXX, they may want to vent to the BFF about how someone was rude to them or some other thing they need to get off their chest.

I don't always have time to get back to someone right away. I sometimes have to wait until the weekend to respond to something in writing. It is just called a busy life, but for a teen in school they are wiring their brains and working all the time just being able to walk and talk and remember to eat.

A lot of it is age. As long as you are demonstrating the same traits you want her to have, and you mention them to her as you go along (when she gets up to go to the kitchen taking her glass, you SAY to her: " since you are already going, it would be nice of you to take your sister's also", things like that), then eventually she will internalize some of it. The key is "eventually". She is in a very self focused time in her life.

Do I think she should respond to communication from her family? Of course. Should it be a requirement in order to keep the phone? (If you are paying for it and that is what you want... you get to make the rules).. But, consider some things before you lay down the law on that. Does the family send her a lot of texts? Call her a lot? Because expecting a teen to respond to every text of grandma, when grandma is texting her 3 x a day, every day, is going to be annoying in most cases. THAT may be a case of grandma over-reach. If she has 7 other relatives doing similar things....
And do you really want her to feel like communicating with her family is a CHORE she must do?

Yes, we take into account our children's personalities. That doesn't mean that they never have to do anything they don't innately want to do, though. Most parents, during the years their kids are teens, would probably just be happy if their teens did what they were ASKed to do without complaining or grumbling or any other attitude. So I would say, be happy she does them after being asked with a cheerful disposition. :)

Ettiquitte?
Introverts?

I agree that being sensitive to the feelings of others is not really an example of "thinking outside the box" (although I'm a Big Fan of that concept!).

I think it's a matter of respect that if someone contacts you, asks a question, etc. it is good social form to respond--and promptly.

I'm teaching my son that. He's 9.
The practice of responding in a timely manner will serve her well through college, a career, and life, in general.
So do what you need to to make the point and teach the lesson!

I would tell her that if she is going to ignore family and show disrespect, she loses the phone. Ignoring them (or you) is impolite. If they are contacting her too often and she doesn't know what to say, etc. then that is something she needs to talk to you about. You can tell her that she is being rude and you don't expect her to gush, but you do expect her to show some respect in general. Not responding to email cost my SS an internship that could have become a good FT job post grad. Further, I refused to stick my neck out for him again in any way. I'd gotten him the POC for HR and when they came to me to ask why he hadn't responded, I was mortified. I'm an introvert, but I still respond to emails, phone calls, etc.

Teens are like toddlers in some ways and they don't always think before they act, and they think of what they want/need before others. I wish we never had to remind the older kids to clear the table, write a thank you, etc. but it often happened, even though they'd been taught those things from knee high. There were times I told SD that she could go out AFTER she wrote thank yous for the family that sent her gifts.

For things like shoving through, you can call her on it. Ask her to wait. Tell her to go back and try again. Tell her to apologize to whoever she pushed aside.

Teenagers are a rather self-centered. Their world is small and it is actually (in their opinion) the body that all other worlds revolve around. Not always in big ways, but in small ones frequently.

Your phone, your rules. Etiquette to family and respect for elders is a must. If you set the policy, which I whole-heartedly agree with, then you must follow through.

I think that to help kids step outside themselves in small ways, we must have them step outside themselves in big ways. For instance, get her out where she is seeing the need of others and responding to that, like a soup kitchen or shelter, working for habitat for humanity, or in a nursing home with the elderly. Make putting others first a part of her life in a small way and then apply the lessons learned in the small instances of her life.

I am trying to figure out what the box has to do with this. All my kids think outside the box but I really think that has nothing to do with their level of being helpful.

I have always volunteered and my kids from birth were drug around with me. They were raised around do things because it is the right thing to do, not because you get something out of it. They weren't just observers they were part of the process.

My third child's first words were thank you because the poor kid heard thank you so many times to the nice people that would pick up the toys he dropped. I wore him a lot and as you would imagine it isn't easy to pick up toys with a child strapped to you. This was clearly the correct response to someone being nice.

Still with all the kindness and manners my children have they were less than perfect as teens. Sure they still helped anyone they wanted to help but it was within their bubble.

The two that are now adults went right back to being the good people they were raised to be once they were adults. So just chill if your teen is not as perfect as you wish, they will remember and they will end up good adults.

I am told that it's widespread for kids to ignore messages from any but their best friends. One friend of mine learned how to text solely because her grandchildren wouldn't answer her e-mails - but now they don't bother with her texts. None of my grandchildren are old enough to have phone privileges, but it won't surprise me if they do the same thing. Sigh.

If the condition of responding to the relatives was formally attached to the privilege of phone usage, then obviously the phone cannot be used any longer. That's a bit of education in itself. You don't meet the conditions of the privilege? You lose the privilege. I don't know how old your daughter is, but she'll find (or is finding) that if she doesn't meet the conditions her boss lays down in her after-school or next-summer job, she'll lose her paycheck. Cause and effect. She'll fuss, but that doesn't matter.

But keep going. Don't expect miracles right now, but don't quit. Prompt her, and model the consideration you want her to have. She'll act annoyed, and you'll be annoyed, but do it anyhow. One day she may suddenly think, "I need to do this! My mother was always good in the way she treated people." You may be dead by then, but it could still happen. :^)

As far as being introverted or extroverted is concerned, that does not affect the practice of courtesy. Extroverts may feel more comfortable around other people, but that doesn't automatically mean they're more courteous. The most introverted person and the shyest person (those two qualities are not the same!) can learn to say, "How do you do?"... "Thank you very much"... "How are you, Aunt Millie?" Everyone has to *learn* to care for other people. Nobody is born unselfish. Some people pick it up a little faster than others, but it is always a learned practice. Keep up the training and the example!

Nope, you paid for her phone, so you can demand good etiquette. Force her to be polite -- and if you have to take her phone away for a few days so she can learn to think of other people, then take her phone away.

You are doing the right thing. Good for you. Now enforce it and take her phone away if she can't be kind to her grandparents and aunts, and give it back to her when she is willing to take 5 minutes out of her life to make someone else happy.

Don't worry, she's like most teenagers -- they are naturally self-centered. It's up to us parents to remind them to be kind to others.

My mother raised me to help everyone I could, respond with a thank you immediately, be cordial, share everything, and of course the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In time, I had to learn not to respond to the casual..."Can you do me a favor" with the automatic, "Yes!" In time I learned that you can't fix everything and not everything is within the scope of us fixing it. So, only take on what you can handle. In time I learned that I work hard for what I have and sometimes not everyone likes to work, however will accept a hand out. In time I learned that some people have bigger loads than others, so it is okay if they don't get back to me right away or I don't respond to them right away.

With that, I realize the demands of life were not the same. The city in which we live in today was not quite as big then. She didn't work a full time job and run a business. Education wasn't quite as important to her as it is to me for our children. And, I am not my mother.

I think my mother is the best person on the earth. When were talking kindness...I couldn't hold a candle to her and don't even come close. At the same time, I think she is too generous. I have seen many people take full advantage of her, including my sister.

With that said, my mother has taught me some great manners. However, I don't want to be just like her.

Keep teaching her, yet allow her to be herself.

There are so many parts to your request:

Are teens self-involved? Usually. They have so much going on externally and internally. Your daughter has a big heart and responds when asked. Good for her! Sounds like you've done a great job so far, Mom.

How did all the aunties and grandparents get her number? If she gave it to them, then they probably know she values their contact even if she doesn't reply right away. Not every contact requires immediate response, and 24 hours is your own arbitrary time limit, not hers or theirs.

If YOU gave her number to extended family, then I dearly hope it was for safety reasons only. If not, you're probably too much in her business.

If you gave her the phone with certain conditions attached, then you should take it away if she doesn't meet those conditions. However, I'd carefully consider the reasons SHE may need the phone, and make sure your conditions are within the scope of her legitimate needs. If not, you may want to rewrite the "rules" so they make good sense to her AND to you.

It may be useful to find out what your daughter's ideas of good etiquette actually are. She may have a pretty good handle on what's necessary, and what's gratuitous fluff. My mom, for example, gifts my inbox with "cute" forwarded messages. I can not and do not respond to every one. My idea of good-enough etiquette there is to comment positively on the few that I do enjoy, and ignore the rest.

As a daughter who was constantly coerced, manipulated, and shamed by my mother well into my first marriage, I lean toward supporting and guiding the personality children are born with. Most kids will ultimately be more responsible when given some freedom to learn for themselves what works and what doesn't. I did this with my daughter, who was so much fun as a child, and is now an admirable professional woman and sensitive human being. And she's doing the same with her son, a charming and radiant little boy. He's sef-centered, as is normal for a child, AND he has many moments of dazzling thougthfulness, which we all celebrate.

Teaching by example is usually very effective in the long run, in my observation. Nagging or demanding might get results, but doesn't leave a child enough room to respond with their own inner resources, and so teaches less effectively.

No, that stuff needs to be taught, even if it's not natural. I would ground her from the phone, if she doesn't do as you ask. And I would ask her to come back and re-do the walk, allowing someone to pass before she bolts through, and I would ask her to go back for the cup that she didn't notice someone had. You are absolutely right to teach her to see that. Also, read her books about how good it is to be kind and thoughtful of others. Good job! :)