My duaghter is for the most part well behaved. Unfortunatly she is going through the "I need to have a boyfriend or I am not cool" phase. I remember it well. Our home has one rule, that if she intends to "date" a boy, he must come over and meet us and spend time so we can get to know him a little.
I explained to my daughter that any boy that is not willing to follow this rule is not worth her time.
Over the weekend, I stumled upon several texts on her phone from "nicole" and "Mimi" one of whom was asking her to F*** her, and the other was telling her they were in love and they were making plans to meet at the mall sunday.
She has apparently been breaking her phone rule of asking us before giving her number out, and also storing boys names in her phone under girls names so we would not know she was talking to them.
I am to the point right now that I don't even want to look at her, and sometimes want to ring her neck. The is an only child, who, when she follows the rules, gets whatever she wants, has all the best of everything, and I spend approximatly 15 hours a week sitting in cold ice rinks watching her skating lessons, (she is starting competitions this year)
She does not want for anything, does not have siblings to compete with, and in general, her and I have a f=very good relationship.
I just wonder how other mothers are handling this situation. What works, what doesn't? how can I maintain my daughters abstinence, and why on earth does she lie lie LIE!!!!! I can't take it....HELP!!!
Just a few add ons, I know who the people are now, because I did take her phone, and her tv, and her computer, and her ipod away from her. She is by no means getting one over on me. This is what I do not understand... she gets caught every single time she lies, so why doesn't she stop trying to lie?
And we do haver lower consequences for when she owns up to what she has done. She knows she will be in much more trouble if she lies. She just does not seem to care... I was her age, (not too long ago), and I was doing stuff far worse than she is, which is why I am scared, I don't want her to go through the same things I did, nor do I want her to end up pregnant like my mother was when she was 15.
I also know I cannot be her friend right now, nor do I want to be, I cannot even look at her right now, after all that I have done for her (this is the 2nd time she has been caught doing the same thing). Last time I tried to be the understanding mom who explained things to her, this time I am just plain old pissed... she is a smart girl, and I don't understand how she can be so stupid with things.
We also encourage her to bring her friends around, male and female, and invite them to go with us when we go places, movies, water parks, the mall, etc.
I thank you all for your sound advice, I will take anything at this point... ripping my hair out as we speak!
I just called at&t and added the controls one her phone, I did not know about them, thank you so much!!!
I agree with previous posters, mainly that the lying is just her not wanting to disappoint you... and take the phone away! Let her earn back the phone, then texting too by showing good judgement.
The woman that shares my office with me just went through a similar situation with her daughter--texts to boys that her parents never met, etc.
Her daughter has a family plan through AT&T, they have something called Smart Limits that allows you to have 15 numbers on the phone (including hers) and those are the only people her daughter can call/text and she cannot receive texts/calls from anyone else either. Maybe your cell phone plan offers something similar?
She lies because she does not want to disappoint you.
I'm not saying this is your fault. Just that you may need to step away from it a bit and separate her behavior with your love for her. They are two different things. She can love you very much, and appreciate all you do - and still misbehave.
If it were me I would come down on her pretty hard for the lies. At our house my children know the quickest way to compound a consequence is to lie about misbehavior first. They always get a "better deal" if they own up to something. I would take her phone for awhile, and probably some other electronics. I would spend a great deal of time in family-only activities on the weekend (and not in a spiteful way).
Lies are the root of most sin. That's why we punish lies more than we do misbehavior. The devil really loves to operate in deceit and under cover of darkness, at least imho.
Whatever you do, she needs unconditional love. Teen girls have one major source of power, and that is their young bodies. It is almost intoxicating for them (understandably so!). Your job is to give her the big picture. She needs to spend this phase of her life building herself up to be as strong as she can be. That cannot be done when a girl is always focused on other people (usually boys). Empathize with her, and give her something "bigger" to look forward to (a happy future).
Good luck mom - I'm a "boy" mom (therefore far from an expert) but grew up with only sisters. It's not easy.
Consequences for the lies and broken rules. You can discuss till you are blue in the face and she may or may not get it, but as long as she is clear on the consequences and knows you will follow through then she is making a choice/decision whether it is worth the consequence. My daughter told a big lie last summer. She wanted to go to an outdoor concert an hour away. I told her only if an adult was going to be there. She told me there would be and found someone to "pretend" to be an adult on the phone. I called her on it as soon as I spoke to the so called adult who sounded like they were twelve. I stopped what I was doing and went to pick her and her friend up from the middle of the concert. Made her pay for her friends ticket, made her and her friend tell the other mother what had happened while I stood right there. She was then grounded for a month. She hasn't done anything like this since. She still disagrees with my original decision as to making her go with an adult, but she clearly understands that she knowingly broke the rule and why the punishment.
She lies because what she tells you goes down better than the truth. You have to make sure that lying doesn't pay off. Take her phone away, or restrict it, or whatever. Just make sure the lying is punished. If you have house rules, you should also have set consequences for breaking the rules. That takes out 90% of the drama. You can't prevent her from doing things that are against the rules, but if she knows what will happen when she breaks the rules, it's all on her---you're not the evil jailer who punishes her for "no good reason!" She chose the behavior, she chose the consequence.
2 q's:
1) Are you sure Mimi & Nicole AREN'T girls? Experimentation is common in HS & College, even for those who are straight... much less those who already know that they gay or bi.
(added: LOL... okay... they were code names... but it's a thing to keep in mind).
2) I think you have a grey area problem. Ideally, one is friends with a guy before one dates them. By having the rule that any guy she intends to date must be introduced to you first... it creates a punishment loop. If she's getting to know a guy or is just friends with a guy... how does she do that and not get in trouble?
O.k. mom, this sounded like me when I was 16 many (ahem many) years ago without the text messages etc. I was also the only child and my parents were very strict with me about dating and such. All I wanted to do at that age was have a boyfriend (like the other girls) and have fun in the company of boys. I was a good girl too but when the boyfriend bug got me that was it. I was willing to lie to meet up with boys even crawled out of my parents house at night on occassion to meet up with friends including guy friends. Parents found out (sometimes) and I was grounded from any social life for a time. I'm not sure that the grounding helped but I listened to them a bit more. At the end of the day, all I wanted to do was to be able to "talk" to my mom about meeting boys and who they were and why I liked them etc. I needed my mom more than anything at that time. It was different with dad but I know that my mom could relate. My senior year, I graduated not with honors like I wanted because I was too wrapped up in the boy thing because of the strictness of my parents I did the exact opposite they told me. At that time, I needed more "guidance and understanding" than being told no sex. So my advice to you is this. Give her consequences for the lying, set your ground rules on meeting the boys but also sympathize with her and let her know that you understand. Let her be able to trust talking to you about her dating/sexual life because right now she's doing everything behind your back. I know you would like to maintain your daughter's abstinence and I commend that but you must keep those communication lines open in order to do so. Best of luck and don't worry you seem like a very caring mother.
You failed to mention how old she is. Age does matter.
The teenage years are tricky. You have to try to find the balance between teaching them responsiblity and giving them freedoms.
Denise P. mentioned AT&T's Smart Wire Plan. It does let you block calls, specific phone numbers, limit text messages, and restrict times calls are permitted. However, even these limits have limits. You can only block 15 numbers at a time while remembering to add numbers like yours and dad's so she can still reach you if she needs to. I have this on my son's phone.
SEVERLY PUNISH the LYING but remember to choose a punishment that only punishes her but not you. If you ground her, that will ground you too. Taking away the phone isn't necessarily the answer to this problem but your access to the solution. Take the phone at some random time and call everyone in her phone book and everyone she has been receiving calls from while she sits and watches you do it. Severe crime, severe punishment. That last thing your teenage daughter wants is to be embarrassed but if you break the rules you suffer the consequences.
Just let the answerer of the calls know you are her mother and you are watching her more closely.
Get her father involved if he is around and involved in her life. He should make the calls. Boys fear men and that is as it should be.
Good luck. Get tough love and watch her change for the better.
Hi L.,
You sounds like an awesome, involved, caring, and concerned mom.
I read a wonderful book, the title is something like, "Have a New Kid by Friday."
It is so simple, logical, straightforward, and it gets to the point with kids, without you getting stressed out, getting drawn into teenage drama, or having to try and convince your child that they need to do as you are teaching them.
Just a suggestion :)
t
Number one is your trying desperately to be your daughters' friend, in time this will happen but right now shes' going through a hormone change. You say she wants' for nothing.....maybe she should. It sounds' like shes taking advantage of your love and respect for her. With being the only child we tend to spoil that child for fear of losing them, they themselves leaving the nest. Sometimes' kids' will have others' saying things on her cell phone just to get to you. (I myself went through this with my daughter and her diary). The things she said would make you want to strangle her. In her later yrs. she told me she knew I was snooping and she did it on purpose. Sometimes we have to set values' and hope with all our hearts' that our children will follow. You have to let the purse strings go just a little. I don't mean by allowing her to stay out late, or hanging around on a street corner with a bunch of boys. We sometimes' have to look back on our own childhood to understand your own children. A young girl her age, hormones' running rampant, try and sit and just talk and tell her you just want the best from her. Let her know that you don't want her being a young mother and you want her to have a good education and be someone. Let her know that your love for her is unconditional but there have to be some rules implemented. She could also feel that shes' better than others' because of the way she has been raised and wants to try the other side of the coin. Have her friends come over even if they are boys, this way you get to see and meet with her friends. You have to open up your home even if it means letting those in that you may not approve of. I'm not saying sit and listen at all times but see their actions, their manners' and respect for your home as well as yourself. If you feel that your daughter may possibly be sexually active (you didn't mention her age) I would definetly do something about that. I'm not saying shes' going to go bad, nor am I saying your giving her permission. In this day and age and friends are friends and they tend to sometimes take it a bit farther, or the other person may. I know how you want to protect your child as every mother does, if you think shes' not listening to you, she is. Even though we want them to do what we want you have to realize that they have to learn by their mistakes and not our mistakes. I wish you luck and I'm sure you really have nothing to fear but listen to what your daughter is saying to you, not what your saying to her.
At this point her friends are most important, whatever you do, don't try and chase them away, she just may follow. Remember mom first and then you can be her friend. Always be there for her which I'm sure you are, just don't overdue it. May peace be with you, always remember your daughter loves you even if it doesn't seem so at times.
