Teenage Discipline

My girls are only eight. But I had 4 older step-sisters, a younger brother and a much younger sister. So here is thinking back to my days as a teen.

They are all older enough to do all the chores in the house. I never thought it was fair to be 'stuck' with the same chore all the time. What about a list of chores and route them.

Most kids are into the computer and the phone. If you want to make them earn them. With my girls, depending on the things they do, they earn points on the boad. These points can be redeemed for various things.

Good luck. The teenage years scare.

Hi W.!

I am the mom of 5, ages 19, 17, 16, 15, and 7. The 19 year old is a girl as is the 16, and 15 year olds. Video games etc. work great for the boys, for the girls, I found that taking their make-up away works very quickly! When my 19 year old was about 15-16, make up and looking good was her "currency". She was given a warning of what would be done first and if the offense did not stop the make up was taken immediately. The only thing I allowed them to keep was a chapstick with no color in it. The first offense I took it away for a day. Weeks later, when behavior was an issue again, I took it for a whole week. Going to high school without your make up for a week, to her was like death. I never have had to do it again. The younger girls I believe learned from watching their older sister, as I have never had to do it with them...yet. I also told them that if all the make up was not turned over to me, I would personally go thru their room and confiscate the rest. Purses were to be dumped out as well. I must have done something right...she now lives in her own place (with roomies of course) but works full-time and goes to school full time at night as well. She has never asked for money. I tried this when all else seemed to fail.

W.,
I don't have teenagers but how about trying yard work? I remember as a teenager myself my parents would have me outside pulling weeds, planting stuff, mowing the lawn or if I was really bad I would have to help out the neighbors free of charge.
How about looking into some volunteer centers for the kids to help out at. It's a great way to give kids another look at how life is for some people and it may teach them to appreciate there own life and you more!!
Taking things away that the kids treasure is always good advice too. Try sitting down as a family and discuss your feelings to the kids about there behavior and lack of help from them. Let each kid speak and then at the end see if you could all come to some agreement.
Good luck!

Hi W.,
I understand your frusteration, believe me, I raised my three kids as a single parent and it wasn't easy getting help around the house. My suggestion would be to talk to her, recognize that she was your best helper and that you realize she has slacked off. I used to call family meetings, my kids weren't fond of them because they knew what was coming, but if you can get your husbands buy in and they know you are a united team then I bet you will get better results. No kid wants to do chores, let's face it they are boring, but it you negotiate and make a list of what needs to be done on a daily and weekly basis and what the punishment is for not getting it done and then make a chart. Also, rewards work much better then punishments. Extra family time, less computer time, less sports, more tv time. that is how I got three kids in college by myself. It might work if especially since you have a teammember. Good Luck!

Hi there :)

I have 4 kids (3 boys 18, 17 and 15 and 1 girl 8). We do the same for the boys (take away the video games) but we also take away their cars, I don't know if your 18 is driving but it seems to work with our boys. We also take away their cell phones, iPods, hand held video game systems. As for our daughter who is 8 but thinks she is 16, lol we take away her iPod and her computer rights. We also do the "no friends over". Hope this helps :) Good luck, it's the hardest job in the world, raising kids! Y.

I have 7 kids, but only one teenage girl. How about phone priveleges, music (ipod or the like), afterschool activities or time with friends. If they like to read, they have to earn reading time or tv time. Do they like American Idol??? Then room has to be clean or dishes done, etc. Good luck. I am right behind you.

hi W.-i am 26 and my teen days are a bit closer to me, if you know what i mean. i think talking with them is important. telling them why its imoptant for them to help. why you need help. it is important that they understnd that it is a priviledge that they have to not only have you as a mom to take care of things but also get to enjoy ALL their extra caricular activities. At there age chores should be a responsibility and routine. non negotiable. i am not sure what kind of chores you are talking about but for me as a teenager my mom picked chores that would help her but also would result in my direct demise if i didn't complete them. ie: my own laundry. but also it was just a given that wew were to pick up after ourselves regularly. so consequences were directly related to the crime. ie: curling iron left out or on = no curling iron the next day. clothes on the bathroom floor = clothes taken away for the week. trash not taken out=trash bag on my bed. believe me i learned quick. and if that didn't work i was charged...chrges for electricity, a hired dishwasher, a maid, etc. also to tell you the honest truth what really gave me a clue was when my mom went on vacation for 7 days. we saw how hard she worked and what happened if she didn't!!! if there aren't any clean dishes you have to wash them or eat on a paper towel! don't be afraid to let them suffer and then talk to them about why they are suffereing and that it is imoptant that they take responsibility, be generous, and learn these skills for when they are on their own very soon!! one last thing...it really helped at our house to have my mom write down what was expected of us and the consequence for not doing it. it became much less emotional and was very consistant. we also chose a weekly big chore on top of the usual household expectations that had to be completed fri, sat or sun. we knew what to expect each week and felt some sort of ownership because we chose our praticular job. we would rotate every couple months or so. we could also trade eachother. ie: i wanted to go out all weekend and then forgot until the last minute about my chore and had homework to do so i could "pay" or "trade" my sister to do my job. she could wear my clothes for two days if she did my chore. again, a bit or ownership.

Hi, W.-

I don't have any teens, but I teach them and get to hear a bit of unfiltered talk from them when they complain about home. (Is anything filtered these days??)

Taking away works to get attention, but it only fosters resentment after a while. You want your kids to learn to value their home, their family, and the privileges you and your husband provide. You don't want them to resent chores. They are done because they are a family duty. While working for privileges are fine, I agree that you need to communicate your reasons for setting up whatever system you choose.

Taking a 7 day vacation is not such a bad idea either. :o) Whoa? Where's dinner? Who's going to take me here? Perhaps you need some specialized physical therapy only provided in some city far away? J/K. But seriously.

Oh, and the room thing. While it is completely obnoxious and I'd be totally irritated myself, maybe it's better to first focus on the shared family space. Kid's tend to view their rooms as off limits, so that's a really hard battle. Might want to divide and conquer. Some of my students seem okay with helping out with cleaning up other stuff, but detest a parent poking and prying into their rooms. If you find that a problem, you can tell them "well, if you really want to make your room yours, then pay me rent." I'm being facetious. :o)

When I was there age what worked for me, outside of taking privileges away and having to earn them back- volunteering my time with those who are less fortunate, kids and with the elderly.

My Aunt and Uncle would take me each Saturday and we would volunteer our time. - this was my punishment. Grounding me was not working.

It gave me the opportunity to lean how to think of others and not just of myself. .

As well, what worked with me, was once a month my Mom and I would have a girls day, just her and I for a couple of hours. It agave us time to talk and for me to voice my concerns.

As far as your daughter who is in college. Perhaps you should have her pay for her portion of the bills if she doesn't want to help out. I would have bee so grateful to be able to live in my parents house while in college.

Once she realizes how good she really has it, perhaps she will be willing to help out instead of forced.
Hope it could help.

Hi Wendy,

Sounds like you have your hands more than full! This might sound like the opposite of what you're asking for, but I'd encourage you to start changes by catching them doing something right. Positive regard for positive behavior goes a longer way than negative reinforcement or taking stuff away for bad behavior. It just makes 'em resentful & resourceful in ways you don't want them to be. ;) because teens have a way of adapting/sneeking in the things they want from friends & other family members... and you'll just continue the power struggle and everyone will stay miserable.

What's worked for me is a behavior modification intervention from the Parent Project(www.parentproject.org), is to have the kids make a "deserted island" list as a little game: "Make a list of all the things you'd want to have on a deserted island." Meanwhile, you will make a list of all the behaviors you want from each of them: "go to & stay in school all day", "bring up Math to a B", "wash the dishes 2x/week", etc and include stuff they are already doing like "have friends", "eat 1 meal a day at home with family".

Then show each other the lists. The girls might have things like a cell phone, beauty products, time w/friends etc on their lists- great! Those are things that can be added and removed from their life based on compliance w/your list & remember that they are already.

I would really suggest only having about 2 or 3 behaviors on your list for each kid, because we have better outcomes when they don't feel like they're beign asked to "do too much". (I can see your eyes rolling- I remember all the chores I had to do too!) Hey, you can always build on it later, if it works.
Good luck to you & your family~
~DLT