Teenage Daughter with Eating Disorder - Bulimia

The Kartini Clinic and Emanual Hospital have good successes. This is a tough one, but can be overcome.

Hang in there!

Dear K. O,

I'll pray for you! As for what to do, definitely get her some help! It will not go away by itself. Especially with the pressures of school and friends, and the need to fit in at this age. There are a lot of resources on the net about Bulimia which list things to look for. Example, over eating, then going to the bathroom right away. Looking at pro-ana, pro-mia type websites. You may want to monitor her online use as well. But definitely get her the help she needs as it never goes away on it's own. Intervention is needed. In her mind, she's not thin enough, so she needs to also deal with body issues, self-confidence and so-on. And it may not help either if she has friends who may also be following the same trend. But definitely follow her restroom trends. Not to mention there are a lot of "tricks" on the internet. Such as using diuretics, laxatives, learning to spit your food out in a napking, or dark glass, or a glass filled with dark liquid. Some girls even go back and forth between bulimia and anorexia. So again, get her help. Good luck!

I had a friend who was bulimic in high school it can be a hard habit to break. Remember not to get mad and to talk with her not at her. Find something she can do to stay fit without throwing up. Something like jazzercise or a gym membership. Talk to her friends they will have a bigger impact on her. sorry I know it sucks. She has to want to change. Build her self esteem but make sure she doesn't link the change to the bulimia. I talked to my friend till I was blue in the face but it wasn't until I started taking swing lessons with her that she wanted to stop throwing up. I hope this helps

Love and acceptance, and a few doctors opinions. Don't just go with what one doctor says, there are many treatments and causes. Find the place/organization that suits you guys best. Do research and ask them a LOT of questions. Don't let anyone judge you, or your daughter. Again, love her, guide her and be there for her. Find support groups that work in your area/on line for your family to learn other ways to "respond".

Hi. I'm a psychotherapist who specializes in eating disorders. I will tell you right off the bat that eating disorders are a multi-faceted problem and as some people suggest, they do have to do with self-esteem and MANY other things. And they are a FAMILY problem (the simplest aspect of this might be her birth order). But, if your daughter has an eating disorder, your whole family should be getting treatment to address the underlying dynamics that are operating. I promise you that this is the best advice you've gotten. Your daughter's therapist should be able to refer you to someone who you can see as a family. A question I ask all families I work with is: "If your daughter's eating disorder could speak, what would it be saying to you?" The answer to your question will be pointing you in the right direction (to start) in terms of how they are manifestations of family dynamics.

First and foremost - my blessings to you and your family. I was a child who grew up with an eating disorder that grew so bad that I almost died. I am to this day suffering consequesnces there of. (Teeth issues, damaged muscle structure, stomache issues, thyroid problems, etc.)

Here is what helped me - educate her on the risks, causes etc of an eating disorder. There are huge risks that can affect you the rest of your life. Look on about.com or other sites and you can educate yourself in the process.

Look into a support group - let her make the decission, but give her choices such as a support group or a counselor.

Teach her proper eating and exercise routines. Let her go to the gym and work off any "extra weight" she is concerned about. Possibly meet with a nutritionist and a personal trainer. Education is the best defense.

Remind her it is similar to a disease or an adiction - it doesn't just go away. Keep an open line of communication. Talk talk talk! I can not tell you how important this is. If it were not for my Aunt sitting me down and opening the door to talk, I would not be here today.

Something that helped a friend of mines daughter was also to get involved with other teens that did not have an issue or an idea she had an issue. She sent her daughter to a leadership seminar through choice center worldwide that actually helped her daughter learn the root of why she was doing this to herself. Go to choicecenter.net to find out more about it.

My prayers are with you and your family that you are all strong enough to pull through this. It is a difficult process, and being a teenager is hard enough without these types of things. Again, many blessings to you and yours!

i agree with what has already been said. i had a problem when i was younger. and once i was out of the hospital i found new and "BETTER" ways to hide it.
this was 12-13 years ago. i still get the urge to do something about my weight. or i feel guilty for weight gain. (they say that i am cured) when i eat a large dinner is when i feel the worst. its a long road and she needs a support system. not just at home but professional. i still keep in contact with my old support group.
1 thing that keeps me from having a total collapse is educating myself on food and exercise. i eat like i am supposed to and exercise everyday. that helps so much with the guilt. to know that i am doing good for my body.

Hi K.,

I would like to say that, after a child is diagnosed with an eating disorder, it can be very scary. Also, usually those types of disorders have very little to do with exercise in general. I can say that having dealt with similar issues, it is usually about self image and an internal conflict inside emotionally. Yes, peer pressure is tough, and could contribute to this. Plus, look at the media and the pressure to be thin. The most important thing to do is show your support to her!!!! You are mom, the one person who is there and unconditionally loves her. That needs to be very clear! Spend some mother and daughter time with her. Having dealt with weight my whole life, I have learned big or small, I am the same inside. That is who I have to love and respect. It is important to eat right and exercise, this I know. However, now I don't do any of these things to be thin. Life is about being healthy and happy with who we are. So, communicate with her and let her know that she does not have to hurt herself to make changes. Hopefully you have gotten her a fantastic therapist to help work through the emotional issues and causes of the bulemia. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. You sound like a loving and concerned mom. I have no doubt that you and she can conquer this demon together and come through stronger. She is so blessed to have you. In the long run, it will help her to know she is not alone.

Blessings,

K

Dear K.,

She is hurting, and doesn't know how to express the depth of her feelings. She needs time to mature and guidance from people who care deeply for her. She does not need nagging. She needs lots of love. Do not be afraid that you will 'spoil' her, please, do not listen to people that say that to you. Be on her side, she has a huge ability to make it through all of this difficult time, but she does need support, support, support, and care and love and again, no nagging. And, of course, medical advice from people who have taken care of this disorder and will be able to know what to do.

Remember Jesus came to support us, to teach us, to care for us, and to love us unconditionally. We can do that too.

Sincerely, C. N.

Dear K.,
I'm sorry to hear this but is others saying to her she is fat our has she just assumed this on her own. What I'm trying to say is she may have been listening to others of ways to have her loose the weight. And as she seen she has kept from getting fat by throwing up her foodand now it has turned in to Bulimia. I can't say I know alot about this but I was getting scared for my little one whose 11 and coming home from school saying she's fat and needs to lose the weight. And i will tell you she didn't due to her tiny butt and her figure is beautiful. She would just come home and tell me she was because she heard it from others. But now she isn't saying this anymore. But i am always asking her questions and i am watching her like a hawk. I can't help it when i hear her tell me that others are saying things about her. Or stuff around her, that may change her thinking about who she is and what she wants to become. So i have to encourage her daily. And i believe you do the same, but something she is feeling has become worse for her and not eating then throwing it, and now she can't hold it down is a reason for her to get attention she craves or she feel fat. I wish I had more advice and to tell you everything will be alright but, she has to believe she's beautiful all the time and that her weight isn't the issue. Get her help as soon as possible and try and see if she can be around the real people who are going through the same things as she is. I pray for her and You and GOD Bless u as well.
M.

I think you should first of all sit her down and find out what it is that she is trying to accomplish if weight is not an issue. There is always something behind what these teenagers are doing these days. Maybe you should see if you can fit a Gym membership into your budget. You have to also realize that nowadays peer pressure is alot worse than it was years ago.

Bulima is a self esteem issue-some type of self loathing has been triggered and once it's in place its hard to fight. Insist she is in good counseling, and don't focus on food or weight issues, but help her find her "niche"; what she is really good at. Incourage her and keep her involved. If she relapes, hospitalization is a must, and can be a good "threat" to keep heading in the right direction. Even if she denies she had a problem, she must go through the motions of treatment anyway.

Addressing any surface issues, such as weight, eating habits, or purging is not the answer; building up her self worth is the only tool you have to help her.

I myself went through that when I was getting divorced. At first it wasn't on purpose being around him seeing him speaking to him i would get physically ill! Along with the divorce diet I got sooo skinny but got a lot of attention for it. It was about 1yr into it when I finally talked to someone about it. I was getting happier but couldn't control that! My cousin had gone through it she had told me it's something that you will or can always battle with". Given that it's been 7 yrs since my divorce I know all the harm it can cause I still fight with it sometimes more than others. Counseling I would suggest but you can't force her to stop no matter what she gets told it's in her control or not for that matter. I feel guilty after eating sometimes. It's sad and takes control just be there for her. Let her know she can tell you. I started having people take my food away as soon as I felt full or would put pepper all over so I would stop then wouldn't feel guilty. Little tricks to help but it wasn't a cure! Talk to her let her know you will listen don't lecture esp if you haven't gone through it. I would be more than happy to email her back and fourth. I have walked in her shoes it's not easy and i was in my 20's now 30's!

Hi K.. I feel for you and your daughter. I am recovering from anorexia. I was anorexic when I was 14 until, well I'll always be anorexic, but I've been recovering now since I was 22, for about 3 years. Anorexia and bulemia fall hand and hand and I can tell you it will be a very long, difficult process for both of you. My mother, nor anyone in my family, ever knew I was sick and I wasn't able to get help until I was able to admit it and tell my therapist. Your daughter needs your unconditional, loving but tough support. She will try and tell you she's better and she isn't purging, but she is. Denial and covering up is a huge part of this illness. And this is an illness. She will need regular therapy and doctor's visits to check her progress. Something you should know is that this illness doesn't have anything to do with food, and at the same time it has everything to do with it. The way it has nothing to do with food is that it's about the way she feels about herself, the feeling of lack of control in areas of her life and this is something she has total control over. It has everything to do with food because food is constantly on her mind, it's almost all she can think about along with the act of purging. This illness consumes and grabs hold of one's life and doesn't let go very easily. You will get frustrated, but that's why it's important for you both to be in therapy. You will need help with dealing with her emotions and trying to understand what's going on in her mind and with her emotions. I wish you the best of luck and let me know if I can offer any support to either of you. Gob bless.
L. =)

Its great you have her in counseling. Maybe then she can admit to it and understand the root of problem, why she started it in the first place. From what I understand of eating disorders it can be anything like a way of controlling something in your life when you feel like life is out of control, body image, pressure, a way of attention, stress reliever. It can be so many things and with her being a teenager, life is hard and at that age feels hopeless at some points. I am 23 and have had an eating disorder(anorexia) since I was 7. Off and on off and on... It started when my dad left, so it was a way for me to control something I guess... And since then its stress I don't realize I have stopped eating until my weight loss is brought to my attention, I get winded fast and I feel over all weak and tired...I haven't gotten professional help with my eating disorder, but I'm working on it everyday and its always a challenge for me to remind myself to just keep going. I'm glad you did for your daughter. Like you said its gonna be a long hard road for her and for you as well. But the best thing to do for her is be there if she wants or needs to talk and most importantly DON'T pressure her to do anything regarding her eating or purging. When you do that a lot of times it only causes it to spiral more out of control because they feel like you don't understand and it adds to how hard it is to stop and its almost like rebelling but not intentional. Its hard for us to keep eating or to stop purging ... You have no idea how hard. But with support and love and acknowledgment of how we feel or how hard it is for us it will eventually be okay. She may get better and "relapse" and start over again... But just keep supporting her. I wish you both well! *hugs* it WILL get better it just takes time. But you did the right thing 100%.

Dear K.,

All of the advice is so kind and well meaning, but PLEASE, listen to Abby and get the whole family into Therapy. You must deal with the very best professionals in this field and as someone else said, get several opinions. People mean well, but this is an issue that requires extensive training and education.

This is not your fault, however, this could be an amazing opportunity to build a family unit that is more loving, happy and strong than ever. Try to see this as an opportunity, not a problem. Working with the very best professionals in the field will result in good things for everyone in your family. Lots of love and positive energy coming your way!

K. - you and your daughter are in my prayers.

The maid of honor in my wedding struggled with anorexia from about age 12 to 25. She is now at a healthy weight and is married with two children. However, little things she says tells me that, even though she's "cured," she is more occupied today about her weight than I have ever been about mine. For example, she can tell me the approximate clothing size of any woman she meets. I can honestly say that I never even think about such a thing.

In addition, my sister-in-law was bulimic in high school and college. She, too, no longer throws up, and lives a healthy lifestyle. However, she (like my friend) can obsess if she gains just 5 pounds (outside of pregnancy, that is).

You're doing the right thing - getting her counseling, loving her, taking the diagnosis seriously. She can pull through this and so can you.

Whatever you do, try not to feel guilty. The messages girls and women get through the media, school system, and society at large is terrible - beauty is defined as a "size 2, able-bodied, 19 year old woman." That's it.

As her mother, you can't change the world around her. You can only do what you ARE doing - love and accept her, get her help, research and read whatever you can, and pray.

I'm praying for you both. M.

K......

RAW coconut oil!!! You must have her try it. Take a tablespoon, 3 times a day. It will help her loose weight, naturally. In the body it acts more like a carb than an oil, burns very fast and speeds up metabolism.

K.,

First and foremost - I am so sorry that you are dealing with this issue in your daughter. It must be incredibly painful and frusterating. You must not blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to set a good example of "coping" skills, self acceptance and self love.

I suffered from bulimia from age 11 until about 18. I still go through periods of anorexia and find myself relapsing into using diet drugs, laxatives and diuretics occasionaly. I am now 26 and the mother of a 6 year old girl who I am terrified will develope low self esteem and weight issues.

Bulimia and anorexia are diseases, similar to addiction. Your daughter may feel as though it's "Not a big deal" and that "It's a phase" that she can indulge herself in while she's young. Regardless of what her weight actually is (now or ever), she will never be satisfied with it. She will struggle for the rest of her life - there is no way around that. The very best thing that you can do it offer her healthy alternatives to unhealthy eating and purging habbits. Encourage her (but dont stare over her shoulder) to eat healthful foods - keep the fridge stocked with low calorie but nutrient dense foods like tons of veggies, fruits, sprouted grain breads, fresh cuts of fish, kefir, ect. Get rid of all the junk food (she will eat it - feel bad and then throw it up. The important thing is to get her to eat and not purge - but feel good about the foods she is eating. Encourage her to get involved in a physical activity that requires lots of energy (kickboxing is FABULOUS for young women - it is empowering, strength building and makes you feel incredibly BADASS!). Soccer is also good, running is EXCELLENT (but does get boring sometimes). Encourage her to keep her body beautiful by keeping it HEALTHY. Buy her a book about nutrition and read it together. Make a plan for changing the eating habbits of your whole family for the better. Give her a chance to see that beauty doesnt come from being thin -- beauty comes from having a HEALTHY body and mind and a healthy self image.

Set ground rules - Bulimia and anorexia are addictions and diseases. If you suspect she is purging - call her on it. Threaten to hospitalize her if she continues this destructive behavior. Bulimia and anorexia are forms of self mutilation. Treat this form of self destructive behavior as you would any other self destructive behavior (drugs, drinking, recklessness, ect)

Show her examples of what bulimia and anorexia can lead to - there are two models that recently passed away due to eating disorders at very young ages (one was 22) .. also - encourage her to adopt healthier role models.. I am furiously in love with Tyra Banks right now. =)

Hope this helps and good luck!

Hi K. - Now that your daughter has received this diagnosis, I would check with Lucille Salter Packard Children's Hospital. I know they treate anorexia and I believe bulimia as well. This is not something you want to wait around to see if it all works out - I know it is shocking, but you must be proactive. Your daughter is a minor, and you are responsible for making sure she is treated and overcomes this illness. God Bless you and your family and I will keep your daughter in my prayers. I believe all will be well for her. V. Garnese

K.,

Sorry to hear about your daughter. I too have a teenage daughter. She does not have bulimia, but I worry about her.
There is lots of help out there. Start with your daughters Doctors office, they will be able to refer to more information.

E. C