Am I Being Selfish? - Silver City,NM

I don't think you are selfish I struggle with an ED as well and would love to get back into my size 3 and 4s that I was before two kids. (I am a size 8 right now and can't stand it!) Right now I am trying to compromise and get down to a size 6 because I know I have extra skin that adds some weight and that my uterus will never be its same size again. But if I can be honest you don't seem to recovered to me, just because you aren't anorexic or bulmic doesn't mean you don't have EDNOS.

It doesn't sound like you're recovered at all, I'm sorry. A number on a scale doesn't make you healthy. What you put into your body is what determines what is healthy. And once you have an eating disorder you ALWAYS have it for life. This is disordered thinking that you're experiencing right now. My best advice is for you to start talking to your therapist again. You have a lot of triggers right now, and you shouldn't be obsessing about your weight.

EDIT: Just so you know, therapy isn't for the faint of heart. Some of the strongest people I know have been to therapy. Therapy is about learning coping skills and methods and strategies to help frame your thinking and behaviors in a healthy way. From your own words, you prove that you have no real idea of how to do that.

I'm sorry that my suggestion of therapy offended you. I'm sorry that you think the fact that having an eating disorder is a lifetime struggle. But I'm telling you from extensive personal experience. My best friend is bulimic and was actively so during high school. I am bulimic and was actively bulimic in high school and college. A close friend from college started being anorexic in middle school and for her entire life she's been in and out of hospitals. She's 36 now.

If you really think you're "cured" then you really know nothing about eating disorders and I urge you to do some research on bulimia and anorexia. It's so much more than eating behavior... it's part of an anxiety disorder, which is a mental health issue. That doesn't mean you're not strong willed, or intelligent. It's certainly not calling you a bad mother.

All it means is that you need help. The strongest people are able to ask for help.

You need to talk to a counselor. It's not selfish to want to be healthy. However, to ME, it seems like you are concerned about a NUMBER instead of overall health!

it is OKAY to go a gentle work out - walking, light weights, etc. while breast feeding. Talk with your doctor about your concerns.

I bet you look GREAT at 132lbs. However, since you have had an eating disorder, you see yourself VERY differently than others see you. You are more critical and more detail oriented to what you perceive as a pudge or a roll, when I might think - damn!!! She looks HOT for having a 7 month old!!

Please see a doctor. Get counseling for your compulsive behavior to be a certain NUMBER/WEIGHT instead of being overall healthy. Get your doctor to help you find an exercise program that works for you and a counselor that can help you see past the stuff that you see as negative and love your body!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Shaydie, let's forget about your eating disorder for a minute. Let's just look at your health. It isn't all that healthy for you to weigh this much at your height. You do need to lose weight. However, there is a vast difference between losing weight the WAY you did when you had an eating disorder and just losing your baby weight in a healthy way.

What struck me when reading your post is that you seem to be the all or nothing type of weight loser. You probably stop eating or something drastic like that. Like people who go off diets and binge eat, not stopping at one cookie, but eating the whole box type of thing (the opposite of stopping eating.)

Neither extreme is healthy. And that doesn't have to be YOU! So stop worrying so much about losing weight. You need to change your eating habits. That doesn't mean to stop eating.

Protein in the morning. Eat 3 egg whites and one egg yolk. Use Pam spray and just a pad of butter to scramble them or make an omelet. Cut up veggies and add (sourthwestern style.) You need milk, so drink the skim. Don't overdrink - find out exactly how much you need for breastfeeding. Fill a jar with 30 ounces of water as soon as you get up in the morning, and drink on it until it's empty before noon. Fill it again and drink on it the rest of the day. In between meals, eat as many veggies as you can to fill you up. Lite string cheese is your friend too - provides you protein (and some calcium). Eat tuna at lunchtime, and a salad. Then a mid afternoon snack. Make dinner BEFORE 7:00 and only a piece of meat the size of your palm - more veggies around it. Figure out how many protein grams you are getting and make sure it works for breastfeeding. You can get those protein grams without eating fattening meats, Shaydie. That will help your caloric intake.

You see, you can still eat and lose weight. If you starve yourself, you hurt yourself. If you eat healthy food and drink plenty of water, the weight will start coming off. Healthy weight loss is 2 pounds a week. You might actually lose more than that the first couple of weeks, but you shouldn't try. Two pounds a week is healthy.

You won't be breastfeeding forever (please say you won't!) and losing weight will get even easier.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you are up and down a lot with these kids. Put the kids in a stroller and right after breakfast, go for a power walk. Exercise will really help you. Take your water bottle along. If you really push the water, you'll have to pee often for the first few days, and then it will level off, so push that water, and then get outside and push that stroller.

Stop feeling guilty about wanting to lose weight. This guilt thing is part of your disorder. For heavens sake, why on earth is there anything wrong with wanting to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight? EVERY woman wants to do that! The difference is that you can't be starving yourself to do it! You don't have to! You can eat, eat, eat and lose weight by eating unprocessed food - vegetables and small portions of lean meats, fish and poultry, low fat cheese snacks, drinking plenty of water, etc. Two fruits a day. No junk. Take a multi-vitamin. No bags of "whatever" from the 7/Eleven. Only unprocessed. You know the difference.

You are young. You can do it. You SHOULD do it. 115 on a 5'1" frame is nice. Even 120 is great. You need to exercise to make your proportions look good after two babies, but I'll bet you can do that.

Now, no more thinking about your eating disorder. Just go in the kitchen and write down a PLAN. Start with getting up out of bed and drinking a glass of water. Write a week's worth of breakfast's. A week's worth of morning snacks. Lunches, afternoon snacks, and dinners. Figure the calories. Figure the protein grams. Make darn sure you are adding tons of veggies in there. Figure out how much fiber is in those veggies too. Don't eat more than 2 servings of whole grains (make any bread or pasta count with making it whole grain, but only 2 of them). Don't eat ANYTHING after 7:00 pm. Even figure out what time you are going to eat everyday and make it stick! If you have the food prepared ahead of time (planning is everything), your life will be so much easier.

And get an hour of walking done during the day.

You can do this. No more bulemia, no more starving. Your life is different now. You are older and more mature. You also HAVE to put into your mind that you don't have to punish yourself anymore by these constant reminders that you used to be sick. No more. Walk away from THAT GIRL. You are a woman now and you know better.

Good luck and let us know how you progress in the coming months.

Dawn

There is a difference between dieting, starvation, and eating healthy. The first two you do not do while pregnant or breastfeeding. Changing your diet to a more healthy diet, and part of that is limiting calories to what you actually need, not what you want, is not going to change anything with breastfeeding.

I am pretty sure if you look up the caloric needs of a breastfeeding mom and compare that to what you are taking in you will find you can cut calories without actually dieting.

First of all, how tall are you and what kind of shape are you in?
There are many factors at play here.
My sister is 5'8" and weighs about 110. But she never exercises so she has no muscle tone whatsoever. She does NOT look good.
My cousin is close to six feet and weighs around 150. She is supermodel hot! I am not kidding, she's got a body like Elle McPhearson. But that's because she eats really well and she is a fitness instructor.
I was at my personal best after my third child was born. I'm almost 5"5" and I weighed 135-140 pounds. I was happy, healthy, breastfeeding and in great shape.
My point is, the number means nothing if you are not healthy, fit and strong. Maybe you should see a professional before you slide into your old habits :(

Hi S.,

I am a recovering addict and I think your eating disorder is like an addition in that it's all-consuming.

I think the fact that you have successfully abstained from your bulimic behaviors for this long on your own is amazing and I applaud you for it. I know how hard that can be.

But I think that you are just white-knuckling it, which is great, but it's not recovery - it's abstinance. Anyone who understands addiction will tell you that abstinence will only go so far. At some point, something will happen that will trigger your bulimia (sp?). You need recovery.

My suggestion is that you try to find a support group, kind of like an NA/AA for eating disorders. Get a sponsor and work that program. You will "recover" through the process.

I don't understand the "selfish" question. Wanting to be a healthy weight is not selfish. I am about 5'1" or 5'2" and now weigh 125. That is the heaviest I have EVER been, including when I was pregnant. I can't stand the weight and want to get rid of it, but I'm lazy and don't want to exercise. Guess I hate exercise more than I hate the weight.

Please find a support group and learn how to lose weight in a healthy way.

I don't really see people judging you... I think most people agree it's good to be at a healthy weight and right now you probably are overweight. I can't imagine you can't lose some weight in a healthy manner that won't hurt you or your baby. But since you do have an eating disorder, it's probably more complicated than for most people. So I would call your doctor and see if they can recommend any weight loss groups for new moms. I think having someone guide you would reduce the risk of you going too far and hurting yourself and your child. Either that or a group for eating disorders. You should have someone who knows what they're doing help you but I'm not sure how in the world any of this is selfish!!

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but your body will NEVER look like it did before. There are physiological changes that occur during pregnancy that will never be undone. Also it takes 3-5 years to fully recover from a pregnancy. You are expecting too much too soon. Your hormones, bones, skin etc.. need time. You are young and will lose the weight by just eating right, exercising and being patient. Meanwhile understand that part of growing up is coming to terms with accepting your body as it is. You have done a great job stopping the behavior but you have to take the next step which is altering your self-perception. Therapy is helpful for this. The negative self-talk will pass down to your daughters. My mother was a great mom and always told me I was beautiful but she told herself she was fat and unattractive etc... She taught me I'm not loveable unless I'm skinny. Took me a long time to realize that I'm loveable 10 pounds heavier too. Just be careful the legacy you pass on, with or without intention. You are a healthy weight for your height. Just focus on getting stronger and healthier and the weight will take care of itself. Stop obsessing. Also you asked "Am I being selfish." So don't get upset when some say you are!

I grew up with a mother who obsessed about her weight (possible anaorexic, if you ask my aunt) and I can tell you that she passed that issue right on to me. I was always thin and she never said anything to imply that I was or would be overweight, however somehow I ended up thinking it. So if your mind and self-view are in eating disorder mode, it probably WILL affect your family in the long run. For your own happiness and your children, I hope you find a way to work through the issues.

Just a thought...could you see going to a therapist or a ED support group as similar to asking us on Mamapedia for advice? In both cases, you are seeking out new perspectives on things and new tools for living well. We humans need other people and that's why we live in groups--to get help with life's situations. Good luck in any case.

I don't think you're being selfish, but I do think you've got some obsessive thinking going on. Your weight sounds eminently healthy for just about any height -- I be you look great. What I really recommend is that you seek out either a counselor who specializes in eating disorders, or a support group for women with eating disorders. I get that you're not *doing* anything dangerous or unhealthy, and that's fantastic. Now you just need to work on getting these dangerous and unhealthy thoughts under control, and accept that as a healthy woman, you are a beautiful woman.

If you in any way feel you are not in control with your eating disorder, please get some help. To most mamas you are not at ALL overweight.

Please, please, please, ignore the poster that stated it isn't healthy for you to weigh what you do for your height. There is much more to it than that. If you own doctor is not concerned about your weight you are okay. I am 5'1", 130-ish pounds, petite, small frame, however I'm not considered overweight in the slightest. I've had two children myself, albeit the last was 5 years ago. I do not blame them for my weight gain any more - I know it's due to my eating and exercising habits.

I realize your fixation on weighing 118 seems as though it'll make you feel better but no matter the number it is about what you feel on in the inside about yourself. It is great that you've made it this far without outside help or therapy but please know that seeking either is not a sign of weakness. It does not negate your progress, nor does it negate what your capabilities.

An eating disorder of any kind is selfish in and of itself but that does not mean that you are actively seeking to be the way you are. It is a disorder and you do need the proper tools and support to enable you to deal with it properly. I hope you find them and I hope that you are open to allowing yourself to get the necessary help. It may not be affecting your children at this exact moment but who knows how it does or will affect them in the long run? Is this something you want to pass down to your children? An unhealthy relationship with food, body perceptions, body expectations?

It is your job to take things seriously and get yourself back to being in a healthy state of mind & body.

Hi S.,

I'm coming a little late to the conversation on this. But from your post, SWH and the advice you received, here's what I am noticing:

This isn't about numbers, however, it may be about your perception of yourself. A lot of what's intrinsic to eating disorders is self-perception. It sounds like you are trying to get healthy.

But from your SWH, it also sounds like you are very angry. I didn't see anyone call you out on your parenting. That said, I also know how difficult it is to grow up with a parent who is not satisfied with themselves. You wrote:

"Just because I tell myself how disgusting I look doesn't mean in any way that I neglect my kid's at all."

Forgive me if I made a mistake, but I didn't see that in the posts below. I did see some concern that if you become overly-focused on this, you may lose the balance that we all need in life. However, being angry with ourselves and disliking ourselves (maybe you aren't, but your post suggests this) does affect our parenting. If we cannot forgive ourselves for our very real, very human failings, we have a harder time extending love and forgiveness to others. I am not saying you are at that place... It's just something to think about.

I really do hope you are able to find some resources that encourage you and lift you up. People suggest therapy because for many of us, it has worked. I can tell you that it's been a life-saver for me. I have my own wagonful of demons to deal with, and I know how hard it is to be in the middle of it, especially when you have needy children. Try to forgive yourself for having the extra weight that you don't want, (I'm 4'11" and near 140 lbs. I'm working on it steadily, but not angry with myself about it. I'm also 42 and know firsthand that dramatic weight loss means I always add it back, plus some. I'm working on being healthy. ) Try to focus on the health of your whole person and know having young kids is a very trying and frustrating time. It does get better-- they get older, less needy-- and this allows us to go more, go for more walks or run or exercise, and is emotionally less exhausting.

I hope this encourages you instead of angering you. People do want to help and do care. I hope you find a path that is nurturing and right for you.

Being 5'1" and 132 pounds isn't the end of the world. Get fit. Trust me you could go right down to your ideal and perfect weight but children definitely rearrange the furniture if you know what I mean? I was 125 before my son and after but it just wasn't the same. Things had shifted and altered. I just work out to fight against gravity and tone my muscles. When I do it right and consistently, I'm a curvy sexy creature, when I don't I'm a slightly jiggly sexy creature.

Any way I look at me, I'm a cute girl.

Rethink how you think of you. You have to do this for more than just your family. You are worth looking at you as the masterpiece that God created you to be. Counseling and group counseling can help. There is no dignity lost in getting healthy help.

Why not just eat well and exercise for your health so that you can be around for your children and teach them good healthy habits? That way you can get back into shape for yourself and your family =)

I think if it consistently interferes with your ability to be a good mom then it leans to the selfish side . . . on the other hand I think people can have legitimate problems that they can't resolve on their own.

I would consider going to counseling to work on this issue. It's not the problem that counts - it's how you handle it.

Good luck - praying for you!

I believe that weight watchers has in their program the info for nursing moms that are wanting to loose weight. I would check that out.

Selfish for wanting to be healthy...no. Maybe preoccupied if it is about the number on the scale though.

Really where you are at, and where you want to be, is a small number. Your body is a body that gave birth to 2 beautiful children. Your baby is only 7 months old, you need to stop looking at the number and just be mindful of what you eat, and make sure to get some exercise in. Rethink how you look at it.

Start going for walks, slow and steady every night, put your 3 year old in a stroller, baby sling your smaller and go out. With your baby breastfeeding and you getting a bit more exercise the weight should level off, it might also make you feel better, like you're doing something about your weight but not something drastic just yet. Once little one is weaned you can get into something more active.

You know what normal people do to lose weight? They eat right & exercise. If that thought hasn't occurred to you, and you think you look "disgusting" at 132 lbs, then I hate to break it to you, but you most definitely DO need counseling. You may not be actively abusing your body, but you are not healed and haven't really worked it out on your own, as you think you have.

I also think you need help because your daughter WILL pick up on your obsession with your weight & it can negatively affect her. It's not a good example for her or your other child. If mommy can't love herself just the way she is, how can the children?

No, there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, but obsessing about it is not good. Find the time to eat right & exercise, end of story.

You are super strong for fighting back against your daemons. Having kids changes your body forever. For your own peace of mind and for your family, contact someone in the mental health profession, get a referral from your doctor, and get the support you need to stay and become more healthy. Having medical professionals working with you to help you achieve your goals and to fight against a difficult condition does not mean you are weak-it means you are strong and smart! Eating disorders are about control, as you know. Do not let this control you-give up some of what you perceive to be control and get professional support.

Big hugs to you for your courage!

I see nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel great. Good for you! I do believe if you eat healthy food and the correct portions you will be just fine. Its nice out now so you can walk your children outside, go swimming. Don't be so hard on yourself your a doing great, you sound like a great mom. Take a breath and you will soon be to your old self. Drink plenty of water and stay active!

You say that you work it out on your own instead of therapy. What's that about? An eating disorder is not about how strong your will or your mind is. In order to fully recover, you will need practical tools that a therapist who deals with this every day can indicate and help you to implement. You haven't seen everything, so you can't think of everything on your own. That's what therapy is for.

you dont say how tall you are. I only ask because you say you had an eating disorder and 132 may be a lot to you but depending on height it may be where you are supposed to be. you can exerciseand eat healthy when breastfeeding J. not starve yourself or do some juice diet or something

You can do Weight Watchers if you're breastfeeding. You'll do better if you attend meetings rather than signing up for the program and doing everything yourself online. The support makes a difference. You've got a lot on your plate with 2 kids, including an infant, so it's harder to do anything for yourself, including eating better and exercising. Please try not to focus so much on the number on the scale and more on how you're feeling and how your clothes are fitting. I know that must be so difficult for you with a history of an eating disorder. Keep in mind that the weight won't -- and shouldn't -- come off too quickly because that method won't be sustainable to keep it off. Best of luck to you.

You are not being selfish.

You should not diet per se, but find out what the amount of calories you should be having non-nursing, then add 300-500 for the nursing. Make Keep your calories to tha and make sure you are getting sufficient vitamins / minerals. You can also do moderate exercise without a problem. Hard exercise should probably wait, because it is hard to make sure you will be getting enough calories.

Good luck!

Hi, I can fully understand what you are feeling. I have had weight issues my wole life. I am 5.8 and weighed 44kg's until I was well into my 20's. I just refused to eat. I also got myself out of my eating disorder by myself with no councelling. I do agree that you are never recovered. I am terrified of going back there, which I think is one of the reasons that I "prefer" being slightly bigger than being underweight. After my first baby I put on weight but managed to lose it again, only to fall pregnant with my second baby. I lost the weight quickly and now it is slowly creeping back. I am not hugely overweight, but just unhappy in myself at where I am. If I am honest with myself the reasons are obvious. My exercise has dropped and my excellent eating habits have fallen by the wayside. I am also very unhappy with my weight and am obsessed with it and it erodes my confidence badly, but I never mention a word about it or show it in any ways around my kids, I encourage my daughter all the time and tell her how beautiful she is. My issue is not her problem and I never want her to go through what I went through. Weight is a mindset and has nothing to do with what kind of a mother you are. You need to gain control and willpower to eat healthy foods and excercise. I am now walking daily and eating better. I have asked my husband to help me. He dishes up small portions and If I want to eat will often distract me. He is my support, but would also never leave me because of my weight. I do not agree that you necessarily need councelling. Take baby steps, cut out all sodas and fried foods, then increase it to no chocolate and chips etc. Once you have your eating under control again, there is no reason why you can't spoil yourself with the odd treat. Good Luck, you can do this!!!

You talk about being proud that you have dealt with this all by yourself without ever speaking with a therapist to help in your recovery. Why is that a source of pride? A professional therapist could provide tools and techniques to deal with the issues that have caused your eating disorder as well as the issues that cause you to stay with your boyfriend.

You acknowledge that you are not recovered. So, why not seek therapy? Pride is one of the seven deadly sins.

honey
i didn't read the responses because i got from your post they weren't too kind.
I just wanted to tell you the weight is not just the number. i will give you a perfect example i am 110 (gained 10 lbs last year) and 5'4''. i don't nor have i ever dwelled on my weight, if i did, i would be more careful with my eating habits. that said, and yeah, my number looks great, right? well i have a very high cholesterol, i look like olive oil (imagine stick without a shape, no butt, barely some boobs in there). i imagine having another 10 or 20 lbs on me would be awesome. but it's really difficult for me to gain weight. it's in my family's genes. my dad has been very skinny all his life.
so don't go looking for your perfect number. if anything, try to make time to exercise so that you have a healthy body. you will feel better about yourself.
as for your past issues with bulimia, kudos for you for leaving that in the past. that is no way to live.
good luck

I know you have a lot of answers. I just wanted to throw in I know exactly what your talking about and going through. I am currently 5'2 and weigh 112 pounds. Before I had kids I was 90lbs. Looking back I had an eating disorder. Anorexia. Everyone who looks at me thinks I am tiny and yadda yadda. But when I look at myself I feel huge. I would love to lose an extra 10 pounds but I get looked at like I am crazy. I battle with eating still. I eat when my kids eat because I do not want them to develop this. But it is so hard to literally FORCE myself to eat. Even if it is a few bites.