Teenage Daughter Has Requested to Not Share Weekend Visits Wth 4 Yo Halfsis?

It's kind of sad, but I understand. Maybe they need a break for awhile from together weekends. I'd be willing to entertain it on a short term basis, with the understanding that it's not reasonable to avoid her half sister forever, and there will come a time that she will be expected to do her part to get along peacefully when they are in the same house

I'm going to go another way with my answer. My sister was 14 years younger than me. I lived with her until I went to college and then came home ever so often and even shared a room with her.

I know, she wasn't my step-sister, but that shouldn't matter. She loves your daughter. She looks up to her, even if she's a pain. Four year olds ARE a pain. Your daughter should be caring and understanding. She should put stuff up that she doesn't want the 4 year old to get into by putting it somewhere that she can't actually find or reach it.

There should be some boundaries set when she goes. How much time and when that she and the 4 year old are together, and when the she needs to leave your daughter alone.

Your daughter doesn't see right now what it will mean to have a relationship later on with her step-sister. How she treats her now will shape how things will be when she is older. One day when she is a young mother, she might love to have her teenage step-sister babysit for her. When the time comes that her step-sister is a young woman, she might really like to have a friendship with her. If she hates on this child now as a surly, immature teenager, she will be possibly lose an adult friend. Maybe you don't care, but you should.

I think a teenager needs to develop more coping skills with a preschooler. I'm not sure what "toys" a teen has but there should be rules about privacy in the room she occupies in her other parent's home. I also think it's up to her other parent to establish some standards in that home that don't have to do with you. Your teen should talk to that parent about what the issues are and ask for help in strategizing ways to make her feel welcome and equal to the young child. That's probably what this is about: "I don't feel special because the 4 year old has more rights than I do." That's up to your teen to negotiate with her other parent, so her stuff is protected and she doesn't feel so much like an intruder. It's good practice in dealing with other issues too - like talking to teachers - so put her in charge of bringing it up in the household where the problem occurs.

If you don't want your teen alone while you work (and I understand that) and if you don't want your teen hanging around the house instead of spending time with the other parent (which is also a good thing), then she doesn't get to decide. Sometimes this is about a teen wanting to be independent and spend time alone in her primary home without having to shuttle off to the other parent's house. Sometimes they just start exercising their independence. And do make sure that it's really about the 4 year old and not just her excuse to avoid a bigger or different problem there.

I find this a little hard to understand but if I get gist of it, the teen wants to have weekends to herself? So that would mean that you would have to change your work schedule, or would mean you would not be able to work?

I have a friend with step kids and she tried to coordinate it so the kids all came same weekend. It was more convenient and kids were similar ages. However, didn't give them enough one on one time with their kids and the kids complained over time.

There has to be a balance. I don't think kids can dictate what happens though in a family - they can have a voice and be heard, but what would happen if she wasn't a half sister? If this was your biological child - your daughter (teen) would have to share her time with her and have the same issues. How would you resolve these issues in that case?

I would approach it like that - first. I have a large age gap between our first and last. We teach boundaries and respect, privacy etc. I don't expect my children to share. They also don't have to share friends who visit, etc. They don't have to hang out. Make sure you're not expecting too much when they are both there. I do have friends who expect their kids to bond with half siblings when they are all together - that sometimes forces kids and puts pressure on them.

I'd go that route first (see if you can compromise with changes for your teen first) before changing your work schedule. Find other ways to give her one on one time (maybe half day her dad takes her out?)

i'm a little confused about the visitation schedule. it sounds as if neither actually lives there, but their visits coincide?

your title says she 'requests', which is reasonable, but the body of your question sounds more like a demand, which is less so.

putting aside the (important) questions of logistics and courtesy, it very much sounds to me as if the teenager is in need of way more one one one. if she were getting a good amount of time and listening and focus she'd be far less likely to resent her young sibling.

why is the teenager hiding toys that would tempt a four year old anyway? and why is the four year old being encouraged to believe that her much older sister has to 'share' all of her things?

it sounds pretty lame all round.
khairete
S.

Sounds good to me.
There's far less drama that way - and why are they forced to share so much?
Even if they lived together %100 of the time - what teenager wants to deal with a pre-schooler?
None that I can think of.

They are at very different stages of development.
While it's nice if they see each other every once in a great while it's clear they aren't going to have a close relationship right now.
Being together now is just baby sitting as far as the teen is concerned.
There's a better chance for that once they are adults - and even then - not all siblings are compatible no matter what age they are.
My sister and I can't stand each other - never could - and we're in our 50's right now.

If your ex won't address the issue, then yes, it's very petty but not something I would consider totally unacceptable. I can't imagine why it would interfere with your work schedule - your teenager will just have to stay home on weekend days when you're at work and won't have access to transportation or a way to get to activities. If she understands that and is OK with that, and your ex is OK with it, then it is what it is.

If she hasn't raised the issue with her dad, then she should and give him and his spouse a chance to work it out. If this has been brought up and nothing has changed, then there's only so much you can "make" a teenager do and forcing hostile time between half-siblings with very different ages isn't one of those things.

It would be nice if your daughter could show some patience and maturity here, and maybe you can express that wish to her. The gaps between my SD and her younger half brother (my sons) are 6 and 8 years and she had no patience or tolerance for them. She lived with us so there was no way to opt out of time with them but if she could have, she would have during her teenage years. We were all very busy so it's not like we were all at home all the time but when they were all home together, she was usually in her room or if we were out somewhere, she would snap at them and sulk. Your daughter might also be showing resentment towards what her younger sister represents (new family, dad moving on, etc.). If she's going to make this her hill to die on, I wouldn't fight it too much. Let her take a break and then maybe go back to a schedule where she spends every 3rd weekend there with the half sibling (and maybe one night, not two) so that they don't completely grow apart. Your daughter might just need a little time to mature a bit.

It sounds like one of the big issues is that she needs to have her own space and her own stuff, she shouldn't have to hide things nor share, she should have a place for things that are hers that little sis in not allowed near. Maybe if she feels more respected in that manner she will feel less inclined to not want to be around little sis.

I think it might be nice to give the teenager a couple of weekends to herself, but I don't think it should happen every time.

First, it sounds like you need to work every other weekend, so that alone could be the dealbreaker.

Second, ultimately, the girls need to learn to live with each other and respect each other. Everyone fights with their siblings and gets frustrated, but most don't have the option to never be around each other. Teach the teenager some coping skills for dealing with annoying, but typical, four year old behavior. Teach the four year old to respect her sister and her sister's things. Kids do not have to share everything - if something is truly your teenager's, don't let the little one use it.

Do they share a room? Can the teenager put a lock on her door to keep the younger one out? My friend is 10 years older than her sister. In high school, she put a lock on the outside of her door so her sister couldn't go in while she was at school or out of the house (but, by putting it on the outside, the older one couldn't lock herself in her room when she is there). It was just a sliding lock, no key, so the parents always had access to her room.

Finally, you're admitting that the four year old gets away with a lot. Now that you know it's an issue, you need to address it and deal with it. Maybe the four year old needs a little more discipline or consequences when she gets into her sister's stuff. Stop letting her get away with things that are upsetting the teenager.

I figured it was because she was having to do kiddy type things on her weekends and she'd rather just hang out and do nothing.

Also, I suppose she can be home while you work. But the little sis deserves to get to know her big sis and have that connection with her.

For the most part they have absolutely nothing in common and won't until the little sis is a young adult. Maybe not even until she's in her 20's. Sad, right?

But I would just tell her that she can go in her room and get away from the little sis, unless they share a room. That probably stinks for the teen.

Anyway, I would just tell her that I have work on the other weekends and can't afford to take off.

You could let her come stay the whole week of Spring Break and then have a whole week without the little sis. The weekend that is little sis you could all do some big family activity since the weather is so much nicer there than it is in Oklahoma.

Let her come during the summer too. She can deal with little sis on those weekends but have a lot of time in between without her there.