i have 5 kdis and 3 of them are teenage girls, and 2 of them who are 14 and 17 are always open with me and tell me everything, but my 15 year old daughter is the quiet one. Im guilty for my asking my 17 whats going on at school with her, and all that. It is such a difficult task to get her to talk to me about her outside life. Shes my artsy musical kid, and just really quiet. Any of you have tips to talk to her more and stuff. Like i always get one word answers and all that. Im always asking my 17 year old to check up on her to make sures shes oaky. Any ideas, i sometimes feel like a bad mom. thanks in advance!
I have loved the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. There is a version especially for teens. The techniques offered are clear, sensible, and respectful. I have gotten wonderful results using this approach with people from age 2.5 up to adult.
It's wonderful that you are noticing the lack of communication and looking for new ways to address it.
i went throught the same thing with my 15 year old. as long as you didnt notice that all of sudden she is acting like this, and she has always been the quiet one, then just remember, that some people are just quiet. and with all the people in the house it might be stressfull. just try to get some one on one time with her. some teens need to talk to someone for awhile before they start to open up and you get more then one word answers, good luck!
Hi A.,
Has she always been this way or is this new behavior? I would take this as a red flag. You need to get her to talk to you. Explain why you want to know and go from there. If she won't talk to you, find another grown relative she can relate to. Please don't depend on your 17 year old. If there i something going on then your 17 year old is put in the middle and you may not get a clear picture. If there isn't anything, then you'll know....and PLEASE don't feel like a bad parent. Circumstances are different for each child and if you blame yourself you can't move forward. I truly believe that God gives us the children we are to have because we are the parent they need. Don't try to handle this alone...
God bless,
M.
Some kids are more talkative than others. Just make sure that she knows she CAN talk to you about anything, but don't push her to talk if she doesn't feel like it.
My daughter didn't tell me every detail of her daily life, but when something important came up that she didn't know how to deal with, she came to me.
I learned alot from the book,
"How to talk so teens will listen and listen so Teens will talk" by Faber and Mazlish.
The thing I'm learning from my 2 teenaged boys is to be quiet and let there be moments of silence. I try to ask open-ended questions like: "what was good about your day", or the old "how did you feel about that", then just wait and give them time to think. Sometimes they don't say much right away, then after a little silence, they think of something else and surprise me by telling a whole story.
I found when my daughter was a teenager when she needed me she came to me. I never felt like I needed to know every in and out. I would stop having your other daughters check on her. It gives the feeling you don't trust her. I tend not to trust those that don't trust me therefore I don't tell them things, ya know?
I have a daughter who was very insular. I drove her to school and we talked then. Not about everything but about many things. She needed private time outside the house. Once on a trip from Oregon to Washington she told me everything, I do mean everything. It was quite a shock but then I could help her with her troubles and make suggestions.
Each of our children is different and it takes a great deal of insight to learn how to handle each one's individually.
I have a teenaged daughter too. Just because she is quiet does not mean that anything is wrong. I would just say to make sure that the two of you get time alone together so that she can feel that she can speak with you about things if she wants to. When you chat, ask open ended questions, not ones that require a yes/no answer. When you all sit down to dinner together, ask an around the table question like, "What was the best part of your day?" or "Tell us something funny that happened during your day" and everyone answers. Some people are just not chatty and some are very private. She may not want to talk about a lot of things in detail with you, and it's fine for her to have her privacy without being checked up on. It may not be what you are used to, but she doesn't need to be her sisters. I don't think a parent should expect a teen to tell them everything, some privacy is a good thing.
When she does tell you something, remember they just want to talk stuff out, not get a lecture or a list of solutions. I make the mistake often to jump in with "you could do this, or try that" which is soooooo not what she wants to hear. I finally learned to leave a long pause before answering and often she will answer her own question. She really just wants confirmation and to be treated like an (almost) adult. But if she is introverted or shy or private, she may never really be a bubbly open girl. My sister is very introverted and can be outgoing for short bursts, but it makes her very tired and after a family dinner she needs time alone to recharge. Just keep that in mind, she may be overwhelmed by the amount of people in your family, especially if all of them are outgoing.
I have 5 children and they all talk my ears off especially my teens. =) I wouldn't push her. Make sure you always talk to her. Say good morning, good night, good-bye, how are you, when she walks in the room. How was school, what's your favorite thing about today etc. Be creative and make it a point to talk to her. She'll open up when she feels like it. Don't push her, just enjoy her. That's just my thoughts. Good luck!
The way we got our kids to talk was by asking each of them at dinner "what was the funniest thing that happened at school today (hands down it was when one kid dropped his towel after drying off from swimming and anothe rkid picked it up and dried his face gross but hilarious to the boys) what was the saddest thing? did anyone get in trouble today........... anyone get a great reaction to a project? what was it?......... my sneakiest trick is to say
"so whats going on with A.?" or whatever name works for your kids friends lol. ................. leave a question mark hanging. the girls will look at each other and then one will start talking a mile a minute and it will morph from there. you of course don't know anything is going on and its a fishing expedition but it gets them talking. they will ask who told you and you just say I heard something just wondered what was going on. if there is nothing then no biggie but sometimes they will say its not A. its..........so and so..
