Teen Years Will I Survive?

Send them to camp, at least 1/2 day M-F. We are all much happier when we all have outside interest. Too much togetherness is tiring.😊

There's a book I hate you but first will you take me and Cheryl to the mall? Or something like that. One thing I caution you is not to think that the kids will suddenly be horrible and vile at the stroke of 13. I think my mother expected me to be badly behaved and it fed into our problems through my teen years. If you are always suspect of your kid, they will feel that. You can also read How To Talk, which has some good tips on getting the behavior you want through guidance and discipline but not punishment per se. With my sks, some behaviors persisted, but we didn't stop saying, "We don't want to see your food, either. Have proper manners at the table." You can also say, "That's enough." to any behavior that has gone on too long, even if they are laughing while it persists. I've also told the kids "Time for another game." Try to keep the long view, especially through arguments, slammed doors, etc. We didn't have many loud arguments with the sks but we had our issues to address, like respecting other people's property and space. You CAN survive the teen years, and not every teen is going to be running off to an orgy to do drugs. Have a little faith.

I spent years of concern over what the teen years might be like. I was a wild kid and put my parents through hell. After 21 I settled down and am a well adjusted, happy, successful human but those years of rebelling gave me a skewed image of what the teen years look like.

Our girls are almost 17 and 13 so I'm far from done with this phase but so far so good. There are moments of stress and some poor choices (on all our parts, haha) but really it's been pretty sweet. I can see the young women they are becoming and I like what I see. Plus it's a lot of fun developing an adult relationship with your children.

It doesn't have to be awful like we are programmed to think. My advice is talk openly and honestly about WHATEVER they want to talk about. If the subject matter makes you uncomfortable or you want to jump in with judgement and motherly "advice". Don't. Just listen and exchange ideas like you would with a friend. Discipline is for when they do something dangerous or deceitful not when they come to you with an issue.

When they do act out and push the boundaries (and they certainly will) go back to those preschool years you loved so much. United parents, a straightforward message delivered in a calm manner and clear expectations work well at any age. Do not get sucked into their drama. They WILL try to push your buttons, practice pretending that you don't even notice.

Always be honest and truthful when explaining anything and always keep the communication open.

Once kids reach the tween/teen years it is best to guide them and not control them, they will be less likely to fight you if you aid in decisions (helping them see the difference between good and bad choices). I have always done this with my step children and they always come to me first to talk about everything.

Let them know there is a time and place for silly behavior, in the car or at home is OK.

I forgot to add that you will survive, but may get some gray hair, LOL.

i'm not sure i can help because i'm one of the oddballs who adored having teenagers in the house. maybe it's because i've got boys (and 5 brothers), maybe girls would have been harder.
i think that if you listen to them, make your parameters (and the reasons for them) abundantly clear, are willing to compromise at times, and make them feel heard and respected, they're the most fascinating, exciting years of all. and bittersweet, because they're your last opportunity to hang with, get to know and influence your kids.
:) khairete
S.

Oh the "you don't know anything" phase. =)

At least it wasn't a farting contest. Just wait for that one!!

Alcohol is a great tool for parents of teens.

It does get better. Mine are 26 and 22.

I actually like the young lady and young man that they have become. AND they enjoy being with us. Bonus! It get bad but then it gets better.

I would go to my room for about a 1/2 hour every day and just close the door. I would either read, rest or just veg. It helped. I also would take "mini" vacations without anyone and visit family and friends. I called this "recharging my battery" weekend.

All parenting books don't apply to all children so no matter which ones you read now you can rest assured that they won't address your issued in a couple years.

I've parented 4 children through teen years. Its a trying time for sure. I had a lot of luck by listening and then having them talk through their decision. See the goal at the end is to give them the tools they need to see situations and decide what will have the best outcome. I felt that I spent 13 yrs teaching them so the next 5 were letting them put their teachings into real world situations but being there as a sounding board and guide as needed.

You need to adapt your parenting as the kids change their stages. There is no One Answer, there are only a series of answers.

Now is the time to let go of the small stuff and relax a little. Burping contests in the privacy of your own home or car are a Nothing issue. Let that kind of stuff go. Your home is the safe place where one doesn't need Company Manners. Save the rules for the things that really matter. Life and death things.

Do you want to be a hero? Surprise them by letting the mother of all burps rip and win that contest. ;-)

With everything, try to think before you scold. Don't react emotionally, stick to logic and reason. Always have a solid reason behind a rule.

Yes, you will survive, but you have to be ahead of them!

What happens at this age is they want more and more freedom and privileges - going to the mall alone, going to the movies with just friends and no parents, staying home alone, and so on. Think of this as part of their training to be independent. You don't want helpless kids going off to jobs or college with no ability to manage their own time or their schoolwork or their social relationships.

So you have to let go little by little. These freedoms are the reward for mature behavior and responsible lives. So start having them do things like meet with their teachers on their own (at least at the first pass), get their homework done (if they don't do it, they go to school and deal with the consequences without blaming Mom for not checking up on them), pack their own lunches and backpacks, do some tasks on behalf of the family ("Okay, you can stay home alone but I want the dishwasher unloaded before I get home so we can all eat dinner at a reasonable hour."), and so on.

I'd let the burping contests go if they're at home or in the car with just family. I'd ignore it. I even let swearing go, if it's not right at me but more a reflection of the situation (if a kid says "dammit" or worse when he drops something, that's one thing; if he says "screw you" to his mother, that's a massive problem). I drew the line at what was done in public - in school, in church/synagogue, in school, at full volume on the playground or while riding bikes in the street. Your reason for quashing it is so they know it's rude - but my guess is, they already do. So I'd say, "Not in front of Grandma" or "not in the classroom", and I'd say "Not at the dinner table" - if they want to excuse themselves from the room and go burp at each other in another part of the house, fine. They'll get tired of it soon enough. It's be faster if you don't overreact.

Here's how I got through the nonsense: soon, in addition to privileges like going out alone and so on, it will be time to apply for a learner's permit, get driving lessons, and get a license. Those things are for mature, trustworthy, intelligent teens with excellent judgment and the ability to look ahead and not just do things on impulse. You see where I'm going with this?

The thing to do is to get past the idea that their behavior is a reflection of your parenting. You've taught them, they know the rules, they know what reflects well or badly ON THEM. If they share your values, they get way more privileges. If they don't, well, that's their choice. If kids see that their futures (and to them, it means the next 10 minutes or tomorrow) are in their own hands, and they see that their job is to get an education and have the best possible time doing it ("possible" meaning "parents call the shots"), you'll do better.

So, for example, kids who get hysterical when someone burps or passes gas can't very well be sent to a friend's house for dinner and a sleepover. Kids who don't clear their plates can't be trusted to be polite to a friend's parents fi they don't respect their own.

It works so much better if you can avoid getting ticked off (and I know how incredibly hard that is!), and if you are kind of matter-of-fact and almost businesslike about it. What they're doing doesn't really hurt you - it hurts them! They'll figure it out!

The best books ever:

"Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" (Cline and Fay).

And, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk." (Faber)

Our youngest kids are currently 12 and 14. I feel your pain. :-)

I have 3 teens, currently 16 yrs old. Each has a different personality and I just do my best. I think the best way to handle it is pick your battles, remember their age, and enjoy. The book "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" (or something like that) is supposed to be a really good read for these years.

I have a pretty good relationship with my kids, especially one of mygirls, and they know they can come to me with anything and not get any judgement. They know they have a right to speak and have an opinion. They also know I may not agree with them. My husband is kind of closed off though, expects them to think things his way and cannot understand why they do not act like adults.

ETA: Like others have said, don't expect all teens to rebel and be "that child". One of my girls likes hard rock, loves AC/DC, Queen, also likes some Country. Some people see her and see a rebel and she has even gotten the "you need to find God" speech from some people because they make assumtpions. But she is also a straight A student, on the track team at school (varsity), taught herself guitar, keyboard, animation, sketch. Loves her skateboard. And we sometimes have a depression period that we handle. My son is a loner, loses himself in video games. trying to change that. My other daughter tends to shut herself in her room. Treat them as individuals with different ideas and opinions.

Ha! When you figure it out, share!

You will survive. Might I suggest wine? Helps me take many things, including burp contests with better cheer.

LSHA

My kids are 12, 10, and 8....so we are in the same boat. Only mine don't drive me nuts often at all. They are very close and supportive of each other, rarely fight. The youngest is competitive with the other two, so that' our biggest problem. The 12 year old has a tone to her that we don't love and address several times per day sometimes. The 10 year old sometimes opts not to do what is asked of him. However, quick reminders normally solve the problems/

I remind myself that they are people trying to navigate a really tricky time in their lives. I have to be patient, but firm. Loving and consistent. My job is to teach them to be productive adults in society...so even when they get too much to handle, I explain why we are doing what we are doing...they seem to calm down then.

Honestly, just take a deep breath and try to do things with them that they enjoy. Listen to them, talk with them, play with them. Don't let them drive you nuts, teach them to behave how you expect them to.

i'm giggling that they're 12 and 10 and you're still appalled at the burping contests lol. Mine is 8 and I'm SO sick of it lol. it's been going on since he was about 3 I think! :P But the important thing is they know HOW to behave in public when they need to. If they do, you have to try to let that stuff go when possible. You're doing your job, you just gotta let them be goofy kids when they can. I struggle with this too, when I'm tired and grouchy I find myself saying "I'm not in the mood for games" more than I want to :(

Will read the answers below because I could use advice too!

I found the preschool years relatively easy too and I think it's because they got along and I could solve their problems pretty quickly (separate kids, down time, feed them, nap them ..).

I am same - so long as mine get along, I tend to leave them to it. If they drive me batty, outside they go. Or turn off electronics. Seems to me I have to say that pretty frequently - it's like they go into a trance and just get pissy if they are on screens too much. I still separate them and enjoy when they go off or have friends by - just switching up the dynamic helps.

I find for me, I have to have my own alone time. Garden, friends, date with husband (even to local hardware store just to escape kids), or a walk .. when I get tired of the noise.

I still find the kids will revert back to pleasant kids if we do stuff as family like camping or swimming - where they are having too much fun to remember to pick on each other.

Am picking my battles. Letting things go that really don't matter, and just focussing on behaviors that have to go (rudeness, etc.). Praising and encouraging too.

Good luck :)

While I am enjoying the newfound freedom I get from their newfound independence I do miss the feeling of being needed, and I wish they would spend a little more time with me. As for the behaviours you are talking about, the idea is to guide them to know when it is and isn't appropriate. As long as they don't do it at church, school, a restaurant etc and they are only doing it at home or with family then let them have fun.

Burping contests are normal and harmless. Humor is a great parenting tool, so learn to see the humor in such things.

To me, what is hard about the teen years is their process of separation, which often includes surly and rude behavior. The best remedy for that is a unified parental front, that expects and demands cooperation and civility. Some teens never push the boundaries, but most do.

Don't jump the gun worrying about the teen years, they don't have to be terrible. Just start the discussion with your husband now on how you are going to handle it when they are disrespectful. If you and hubby are on the same page, you should be able to handle it pretty easily. If not, that's a recipe for brats and a really unpleasant household.

If they go off the rails in school, sex, drugs 'n' rock and roll, that's another matter, and will require greater intervention. But don't get ahead of yourself. Enjoy the burping contests.

And I agree with AV -- "Time for another game," is a useful statement.

I've taught high school for 20 years, so I'm one of those who love the teen years. My own boys are 11 and 17 and are pretty fun to be around, so I feel like things are going well so far.

I agree with many of the ladies here. Honesty is important on both ends of the relationship, and you must be a good listener, really listen. Also, loosen the reins and allow them to make some mistakes. It will help them learn, and you can be there when they need you, and they will need you.

Have fun with them. Teens love to laugh and have a good time, but some of our best times have been more serious times when we have had long conversations. You will have opportunities to mold your children, but if you are willing they may influence you, as well. It's a beautiful time.

Just look at them and take in all there is of their glowing & growing personalities! That's what I try to do when they are driving me up the freaking wall. It works, sometimes! Ha!!!!

One day at a time. In my opinion you were right to let them giggle, even if it was crass...it wasn't at the dinner table, which is where that rule truly must ALWAYS apply....I've found that most all these hard teaching moments over time are really just showing the appropriate time & place when the big rules don't apply & that's what makes it so daunting and stressful and just straight up exhausting!!

We've all got our firm bottom line we stand on, stand straight and stand firm on the core issues and just breath through the taxing times. That's what I do.

You're doing fine.

~So far I've been thru & up to the ages of 23, 20, 19, 15, 11, 9 & 7.
They all have their ups & downs. But the youngest is the only girl so you're ahead of me there...I haven't done the girl teen years but I am one and have hope I can remember what it's all about ;)

It can be tricky. But let me assure you, that burping contests and other gross things, bickering et al of the 10-12 (tween) set is way easier than the actual teen years. They haven't even gotten their hormones revved up good yet. LOL

But the good news is that you'll survive. :)

Mine are currently 14 and 17 (freshman and senior in high school starting in another week). Girl and boy.
What works for me, is to let Dad take over the more authoritative role for the older son, and to have fun. Really, I laugh more with my kids (one on one) than I ever thought I would. The toddler- elementary years were pretty tedious for me. They are bright kids and always have been, but having an "adult" conversation just couldn't happen when they were those ages. Now, it can (and sometimes does of course), but when we are joking around, the jokes are funny both ways. Not me placating an elementary joke that I just don't think is funny, or trying to tell something funny that is beyond their understanding of what is so funny. They get it! We share the jokes.
And they are pretty fun people.
So, there's that.

They are pretty amazing people really. Some days I still would like to strangle one or both of them, but most of the time, they are doing their own thing, and I have more down time to myself. Something sorely lacking when they were more elementary aged. They become much more independent. They are at ages where you can leave them home alone and have a date night--and not have to pay a sitter! ;)

Enjoy.