I am a working mom of two girls ( 2 yo and 10 months). My husband has two older children from his first marriage (21 and 16).
My challenge: My husband’s ex is dying due to her extensive drug use. After her death, the 16 yo son will come and live with us. The problem: He is a very troubled boy…failed two grades in school, has a drug use issue himself, is jealous of our two children and I am afraid to leave him alone with our kids (not to babysit but just playing in one room while my husband or I are in another room). His older brother is a gang banger and drug dealer. I know that this boy is going to suffer a traumatic loss with his mother’s upcoming death but I am more concerned about the havoc that will be created when he lives with us full-time.
My husband and his son have been estranged for the last three years and we have only begun to see him recently (two days per month). No fault of my husband’s; his ex moved his son to three other states before we tracked them down…again she has a huge drug problem that the court were not willing to recognize it and grant custody to my husband.
My struggle: The Christian side of me tells me that I need to view this as an opportunity to help a child in need – give him love and guidance to deal with his loss and improve his life with the goal of being a responsible and respectful adult. The practical side of me says that this child will need a lot of care and assistance and will, more than likely, continue to resent me.
In the end, I know that I will have to make the best decisions for my girls – even if that means separating from my husband as he deals with his son. My husband is a good father to our girls but I am not sure that he is equipped or ready to deal with or face the challenges that are facing his teenage son. I feel like the burden will fall on me to handle.
Has anyone been through something similar? Can you offer guidance or suggestions so that this new development in our life does not destroy our marriage or family?
Many thanks to all of the responses. They were thoughtful and very inspriational. I was feeling overwhelmed by this issue but now have a greater sense and appreciation that I can make this work...or, at least, try like heck to make it work! My husband are I have chatted about an action plan to ease the transition for everyone including researching counseling programs and meeting with our ped on Friday. There has not been a lot of dialogue with his son as he is consumed by his mother's health...we are letting him his space to deal with that though reminding him that we are here for him.
I just keep telling myself...the Lord does not me any more than I can handle. Your responses have given the strength to work through this issue. For this...I am forever grateful!
All my best
E.
This boy is going to need a lot of therapy (dealing with the loss of his mother, drugs, addiction, reconnecting with his father, etc.). Besides individual counseling, I think you should also go to family counseling. This is not going to be easy & it will take time, but for this boys sake I think you need to give it a shot.
Wow that boy is gonna need alot of love. What a horrible life he has been brought up in. I think you and your husband should get some guidance before he even gets there. Get some advice on how to handle him when he arrives. Not only does he have his set of existing problems he is about to loose his mother and he is going to be grieving. You don't know how he is going to deal with that.
I can only imagine that if he walked through the door and you and your husband are laying down a heavy law and packing his bag for rehab that you will loose him before you even have a chance to help him. I would think you need to see what state he is in. Not that you let him take over the house but how about showing him some love that he is probably so starving for. That boy has got alot of pain that he needs to work through. He might not even be able to accept love from you both at first.
You have a very tough situation ahead of you and you and your husband are going to need to stick together. Your husband is going to need you more than ever. Walking away from him or that boy I think could only damage the situation more. You don't know what is ahead yet, don't packs your bags yet. Stand by your husband and support him. This is his challenge but you are a part of it too. Don't let it be your burden, stay strong.
This is probably not going to be easy for you, but you have a wonderful opportunity to help this boy turn his life around and it is going to take lot of love and support. Educate yourselves like crazy, this is not going to be easy but I hope for you a rewarding outcome. It is possible!
Best of luck!
My situation is not all that similar, but still there are lessons to be learned. I have a 14 year old stepson who lives with us about 50% of the time. I have known him since he was a year old, and so he has no memory of me not being in his life. Still, we have our struggles, even though from the outside looking in we should be in as close to an ideal situation as one could ask for with step children. I would recommend seeking out grief counseling for him before he comes to live with you, as well as family counseling for all af you as a group. Adding a new family member always changes the dynamic of the family, and it will be an adjustment for everyone. I wish you lots of luck and love!
What does your husband think? If you have a gutfeeling not to leave the babies in the same room with the 16 year old, then don't. Adjust your life to make sure that your girls are safe.
Look into treatment options and counseling. The entrance of an already troubled child into your normal life will certainly be an adjustment, not to mention having to deal with the death of the only caregiver (and I use the term loosely) that he has ever known.
There is no single solution to your question. There are a lot of factors here. You have a tough road ahead, but if you get started on a plan of action now, you may be better prepared when he actually comes to his new home.
you have received great advice - this kind of thing is way over your head and your husbands head. That boy has probably seen and done things we can't imagine and he needs professional help and may even qualify for a residential program. If your husbands employer offers an Employee Assistance Program, call them immediately and start the dialog and some referrals. Or talk to your pediatrician for some ideas as well. Once you talk to some professionals you will feel better informed about your choices.
E.,
To add to the already good comments you have received. I would also like to add to this that you and your husband need to agree on breaking points between the two of you. Even without the struggles this teenager has faced...teenagers can just be plain terrible. And the two of you will expect back-talking, not following rules, general dis-respect and most of it will come from him feeling like a fish out of water. I think this is where you guys are going to have to decide how to respond to these things and how much of these things you are going/willing to take. Expect the tough road, plan for your pain tolerance, allow for understanding his pain but have an agreement or secret contract with your husband about how much you can both live with. Good Luck to you...hopefully the time and love he feels from spending time with your side of the family will help him.
E.
From what you are sharing, this young boy needs professional help he will have suffered a huge loss in his life. So yes get him counseling right away. Have a discussion with your husband on the best way to get your son help - you knew he had a son prior to you to marrying? So get this young boy help and remember this is not his fault your fault the life he has lead is the only life that he knows.
And if you are concerned about your daughters which is very understandable....it does not sound as if this poor child has been taught anything, make sure he is not in a room by himself with small children and do your best not to make him feel bad or awkward when you are faced with walking out of a room that you all might be in - I know that it will be a challenge.
Good luck and our prayers will be with you.
Sending him to rehab is not the same as saying he is "broken". If he is using drugs he needs to be in some sort of program or rehab to help him stop. That sends the message-yes you can do this! And he surely will and does need counseling for all he is been through.
I was surprised that you would consider separating from your husband because you are so fearful over this, if in fact you are in a strong marriage. This will be difficult, and of course you must protect your young children from any circumstance that you feel may put them in harm's way. (I assume you are supervising your children anyway.) On the other hand, you can't treat this teenager like a criminal because of things his mother or brother have done. And this young man probably feels abandoned to some degree by his father as well, no matter what the circumstances were of his not being more a part of his life.
You and your husband must get on the same page in terms of dealing with him. It will be your husband's job to provide rules and guidance for his son, as well as love and a renewed relationship that has suffered. It will be your job to welcome him into the family and provide love and support. You need a family counselor to navigate this, bottom line.
Have you ever watched the show Intervention? If I were you i'd tell your husband that before this troubled teen comes to the house he needs to go to rehab first. He needs help and it can't be ignored. Set up therapy for him, and rehab programs. If he doesn't get help he will end up destroying his life, and the people around him. Good luck and God Bless
I realize that he is in another state, but can you have a court order to start him to see a therapist? Most likely his older brother has been supplying him with drugs will he also be in the picture from time to time. I agree with the others to start talking to counselors who help children who have issues.
Take care and let us know how we can help.
J.
As a Christian woman you know that family is very important. You have already pictured yourself separating from your husband before the young man has even come to stay with you. The Lord sends us tests that we get through. Now he is sending you a BIG test and the Lord is hoping that through his guidance you will make the right choices. So I have 3 questions for you.
Have you spend time in the word about this matter?
Have you turned to the Lord and asked for his guidance?
Finally have you went to your Pastor or Priest and asked for his advice in this trying matter. I always find that our Pastors or Priest can gleen a lot of light on matters that we can not.
1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (NIV)
