Daughter Missing Too Much school...seems to Always Catch Something at Dad's

I would try not to get caught up in the blame game about why and where she's getting sick. Germs can't be traced, and it hardly benefits you or the situation to try to blame every bug she catches on going to Dad's house, KWIM?

You can contact her school and explain the absences as well as the dizzy spells. They M. request a doctor's note for the dizzy spells, and then be able to 'excuse' those absences. Whatever they say, let Dad know so that he is in the loop and can request a doctors note himself if he ever needs to take her to the doctor on a school day.

And in response to another poster: Texas ties funding with attendance, so many school districts adopt rather vicious attendence policies where parents can be fined or even charged with a crime if their kiddos miss over an allowed amount of school days without certain documentation.

At my kids school there is an automatically generated letter that goes home when you miss 9 days. But it's just informational. In my experience the school doesn't really get concerned as long as they know the absences are legit. I think at 15 days they start to require a doctor's note for absences due to illness. You are close enough to the end of the year you probably don't need to worry about it.

So what happens if she exceeds the number of allowed excused illness absences? In our district it just means the kid needs a doctor's note stating they are ill. That's it.

It sounds like she needs to learn the importance of washing her hands a lot, especially at dad's house. Does she take a multi vitamin? Probiotic? Daily? She needs to drink a lot of water as well.

I wouldn't engage in the blame game with dad. Teach her basic hygiene habits that can help her stay well.

As for the absences, it's frustrating. My now 20yr old was sick a lot in 10th grade and was near the limit of abscences allowed. She was a 4.0 kid in AP classes and to the district, they look at attendance for state funding etc.

I had Dr notes as well as the Dr bills I paid which coordinated with each abscence. It was a lot of paperwork but I keep details for everything in case I need them and that year, I needed it.

They can't punish you or her if she was truly sick and has the backup to prove it plus has kept up her grades.

In the meantime and before next school year, get a complete health work up done for her to figure out dizzy spells, make sure her blood work is ok and get on a routine with personal health care with her.

Good luck.

I'm surprised by the school, too. Wow.
Ok here's the only things I think you can do in your situation:
-I like the idea of you asking the school to send the email to your ex.
-Since your hands are tied w/what happens at her dad's, arm your daughter w/some info such as always washing her hands, eating as well as she can over there w/i the limits they offer but especially at your house. Always provide good, healthy dishes @ your place. Give her
viatmins at your house.
-Sometimes kids need to stay home so they can recover & be comfy. I don't want my kids miserable at school when they need rest.
-See if you can do the work at home to catch up.
-Get doctor's notes when possible.

My kids gets dizzy when dehydrated. If she is like my girls she has to be reminded to drink enough. Sometimes all day at school they drank just one juice box. Also, when my kids stay home with a cold I often call the nurse for advice and they have always been willing to fax a note to school that the kids "were not seen but the office was notified of xxx symptoms and if persistent recommended a doctor visit but not needed today". That will make it an excused absence. The count is for unexcused absences only. Dentist, eye doctor, lawyer appointments she has to attend, therapist, etc. they can all provide notes to have the absence from school excused.

I don't understand what she means by having to feed her brother when he is sick. Is that because he's fussy and so the novelty of having her feed him takes his mind off his troubles? That may make some sense, but do you think she feels that she's getting sick because she's feeding him? Then you and her father have to disavow her of that notion. Yes, exposure to other children can help germs transfer, but it's no different from her being in school with other kids, whether or not they have siblings. So please try to reassure her that she needs to take the same precautions everyone else takes - sneeze into the elbow, wash hands with regular lather (not antibacterial soap!) after being with others and after using the bathroom. I'm not sure how old she is but have her sing the ABCs while rubbing her hands with soap, and make sure she's not doing what a lot of kids do, which is to put a little soap on and then immediately put her hands under the faucet to wash the soap away.

It doesn't help that her father gets defensive instead of partnering with you as co-parent, but be sure that he doesn't think you are blaming him for exposing her to germs. She's getting those everywhere - grocery store, after school programs, the school bus, the kid next to her in gym, etc.

I'm confused by the number of days - she gets 9 days a semester, which is 18 absences for the year. She's had 4 days for fever, and a few days for dizzy spells every once in a while, so how is she nearing 18? I'm not clear what's causing the dizzy spells - and you don't need to share that - but it's clear that you've discussed with the doctor. If extra hydration would help those (and it would certainly help the colds/flus), then the same remedy would address multiple issues.

I think the number of absences in most schools is "unexcused" - so if she has a doctor's note, it would be an "excused' absence. My son had mono and was out for quite a while, but he had a doctor's note and so there was never any issue with the school. If a child is out a lot, they provide tutoring or extra help.

The school should be really used to kids with separated/divorced parents, so make sure her father automatically gets all the school communications (general as well as those specific to her). If they come from the school and not from you, maybe he will be more proactive.

I have step kids and I do urge you not to get all your info from a child who is going back and forth. It's so incredibly difficult to avoid that, I know, but from my experience it really backfires.

You also have to let your child take some responsibility for herself - again, it's hard because you don't mention her age - but consistency of bedtime and nutrition can help a lot. Is there a way you and her father can co-parent with that? Is there any possibility that allergies are involved? Being in enclosed houses during the winter increases the number of germs people are exposed to, as well as allergens. That's not something to blame on this house or that house - it's also her friends' houses and her school and her after-school activities.

There's also a lot you can do with immune system support, if you and her father can agree on it. I work in food science and we see a tremendous decrease in allergies and sick days when kids, and the adults in their word, are doing this.

Good luck, and I hope the end of the school year approaching means that this issue will be put to rest just by the calendar!

I am a believer in boosting your immune system. You can have her eat lots of citrus fruit (even send cuties in her bag), elderberry syrup is another great immune booster. Before my kids go to sleepovers or church camp and when it's flu season and we are going to church, I boost their systems. My husband had a horrible flu in January. I took care of him and I had had my kids and I on a regimen I read about. My husband was skeptical of taking the regimen but no one else got sick and neither of my kids have had anything that was going around their groups. (I am NOT bragging, and now that I've stated how well they've both been I'm a little nervous. Lol!)

The regimen I use is 2000mg of vitamin c, 50 mg of zinc and 1000mg of D3. I also have them take a probiotic daily because so much of a healthy immune system hinges on your gut. You can read on the labels to see what is appropriate for your child's weight or talk to your local health food store. If either of my kids start to complain with stuffy nose or scratchy throat, two teaspoons of elderberry syrup and the next day they've been fine. You can find elderberry syrup (sambucol) in any Walmart, cvs, Walgreens or in most grocery stores.

Hope she stays well.

Blessings!
L.

When you discuss it with him, how do you present it? "Your kid gets our kid sick and that's terrible!" or "I'm concerned about our daughter. Did you get the email from the school that she's been out too many times this semester?"

I would revisit the dizzy spells. Is it dehydration or more? If she is too dizzy to go to school, is that legit or stress or something else? You need to find out. I would ask for bloodwork. They can tell from that if she's dehydrated, or if there's something else going on.

ETA: By 10, things like "wash your hands" can be drilled into her by her time with you and she can do better if that is part of the problem. You can do it without specifically mentioning anyone else. I tell my 6 yr old that there are germs she does not see and she does not want to eat them or pass them to others. You may have to teach her to be more self-sufficient in general, which will serve her well both at friend's homes and anywhere she needs to be mindful of her own being.

Further, the tidbit about the child who died makes me wonder if Disney mode is actually about his grief and not wanting to be that "bad guy" ever than anything he doesn't care about. After the loss of a child, parents can be defensive of anything against their parenting.

I would also remind the school that you have joint custody and ask that they also send this email/have this discussion with him. Some kids are sicker than others - my SS was always sick in the winter, even as an adult. We had to discuss with him when he had to try to make it through a part day and when not. At least it seems like she is not having "dad-itis" at the end of visits.

I would also contact the school for an in-person meeting to discuss what this means. Will they hold her back? Will she lose credit? Will you need to pay a fine for truancy? Are these all on your time? Did you get any doctor's note? Sometimes it is beneficial to talk to the advise nurse at the doctor's office even if you don't take her in for a long illness. They can give you a note for the school. If she is racking up unexcused absences or tardies, you need to know that, too. Find out how the school calculates and "absence". Missing most of but not all of a day may be the same in their mind.

While it is likely that close contact with her brother gets her sick with his germs, but people pick up germs everywhere - school, work, mall, playground. I'd look for ways in general that she can help herself fight off whatever she is prone to. I also agree with the suggestions below for good sleep and basic hygiene.

I would just have the school call her father and let him know about the missing school thing as well. Just so he can hear it from them, not you. Since you both have joint custody, both should be hearing about this too.

I second the blood test for anemia. I was around 12 or 13, when I felt these same symptoms. I was borderline Anemic, and so I was put in an adult multivitamin with iron, as well as a diet change. I improved. Vitamin C is also good to have her take as well.

Have her make sure she is washing her hands as often and whenever possible.

I wouldn't go on the attack. That just creates more problems in the long run.

I would just make sure she understands proper hygiene practices to avoid getting sick. It is not unreasonable that she be exposed to sick family members, but she needs to know how to protect herself from becoming sick. Make sure she is eating well, getting enough sleep and washing her hands, especially when around sick family members.

How old is she that she can only miss 9 days per semester? What happens if she misses more than 9? Sounds like a terrible policy! We don't have limits on sick days as long as they are excused.

If she is sick then the absences should be excused. I'd check and see what you need to do to get that corrected. If she is making good grades and she is testing at her correct level but they want to hold her back due to absences I'd contest it and ask them if they want to change their policy and allow kids with fever to school.

Next time send her anyway and have them send her home. That way her absence is on them.

What a silly school that isn't doing her absences right.

I don't think it matters at all where she's getting sick. Kids go to school and sit right by a kid with what ever the other kids at dad's have. Just because those kids had it doesn't mean it isn't something that's going around at your girls school too.

Kids get sick, schools have a system for excusing absences due to health issues.

Hi,

If it were me, I would just get some bloodwork done. Anemic kids get dizzy and run down, and are more prone to catching bugs and viruses.

Is she taking a multivitamin for her age?

Sleep and diet for sure. And washing hands (before eating especially).

Just check with your doctor. That way you'll know if she has an underlying problem and can report back to the school.

I never know what to say when ex-husbands are involved with kids - you want the best for your child - can you not suggest that if they have a severe illness (say flu, etc.) that she stay with you?

Best of luck :)

A few things to remind her. She must remember to wash her hands before she eats anything. Every time she uses the bathroom she must wash her hands.

She also needs to make sure she gets enough sleep. Same bedtime every night.

Mom get her some rally good multi vitamins.

I don't quite get one statement: "She tells me that they sometimes have her feed her younger brother if he's sick." You can't always rely on what a kid says since they sometimes get the wrong idea in their heads, but is she indicating that the adults have her feed her sick brother BECAUSE he is sick, as if the adults in the household intentionally give her that job so they, the adults, are less exposed to the brother's illness? I may be misreading it but that's how it came across to me. If that is the case -- and I guess you'd have to ask dad outright if it is -- they need to cut it out, and she clearly isn't yet ready to be caregiver for a sick kid while maintaining the hygiene to keep herself well. But it sounds so strange that they'd admit to having a child be the caregiver when another child is sick, on purpose, that I am not sure that's what she really means.

Otherwise, I agree that you'll gain nothing by trying to pin the illnesses on trips to dad's. Yes, she's possibly being exposed to younger sibling(s) who are picking up illnesses themselves at preschool or wherever. But that's pretty normal where there are younger kids. When she is at your house, is she the only kid in the household, and at dad's there is at least one other sibling there? That's your indicator that it's classic "She got it from her sibling who got it who knows where" and there's nothing you can do about that, short of working with her on telling her sib(s) to cover their coughs and sneezes if they're old enough to understand that, and telling her to turn away when they cough, wash her hands a lot, etc.

As for the school letter, you must copy it to dad and make sure he responds that he has seen it. Was he copied on it by the school or did only you get it? I would ensure that things like that from the school are going directly to him as well. Tell him that you're concerned that this has gotten as far as notice from the school and that you'll be working with daughter on staying as healthy as possible, and be sure to copy him on any reply you send to the school too. Not much else you can do.

I know it is irritating, but there really isn't anything you can do about your daughter coming into contact with people in her dad's house. Someone having a routine type illness in his home wouldn't be a legal reason for refusing visitation.

As far as the school goes, illnesses are Excused absences so long as you follow whatever reporting procedure the school sets. For example, at my kid's school I have to call in to report the absence and state the general nature of the illness (fever, vomiting, etc) by 8am. A prolonged illness may require a note from the doctor.

If you have not been keeping the school informed about the reasons for her missing days then they will assume truancy. In Texas, the truancy law kicks in after 10 Unexcused Absences within a 6 month period; or 3 Unexcused days within four weeks.

If you have been reporting her illnesses properly, then something is messed up in their records and you will need to go in and get it fixed. If you have not been reporting properly, I'd still talk to them to see if you can get some grace and make sure you know what you're supposed to do going forward.

I would approach the school about this. They should not be limiting number of excused fever days when her work is up to par. Our school has no limit on excused absences. If you talk with principal and say, "I could not send her in with fever, what can be done to keep her out of trouble?", and they cling to their calculated rule, I guess you'll have to grin and bear it. But if it's going to affect her grades I'd be very upset!

As for where she gets sick, it unfortunately has no relevance even if you're right. My ex used to always say the kids got sick at "my gym daycare". Which may have been slightly true, but I would say, "Or at school or the grocery store or the YMCA or their friend's house or a birthday party or Taekwondo or wherever else they went this week"... it can't be helped. Kids are always sick I've come to learn, and we have a very healthily run household. This winter was a DOOZY!!! My kids were hardly ever in school it seemed!

i'm not sure that this post entirely makes sense to me. i've been out of the school system for a long time, and much of what they do seems unreasonable to me, so just to clarify, does the school actually dictate how many days a sick child can miss? i mean, how does ANY parent control how often their kids get sick? or do you mean unexcused absences (which would not apply in this case)?
the fact that they get sick at her dad's house fairly often may or may not be a big deal. i mean, kids pick up germs everywhere. i'd be a little concerned that her immune system seems unable to cope. what sorts of illnesses are going on there?
i don't understand at all what it means that she and her dad have confirmed to you that she feeds her younger brother when he's sick. is he an infant, and she's allowed to snuggle him with a bottle? or a sick kid is quarantined with his sister?
if these absences account for the 'majority', what accounts for the rest?
does the doctor think that the dizzy spells are connected to the frequent fevers and illnesses?
how do you 'bring it up' to the dad? if he's getting defensive, it's probably because you sound accusatory. but if she's missing school because of dizzy spells (not his fault) and other unidentified reasons (not his fault) one can understand him feeling under attack if you're blaming him for your daughter getting sick a lot.
it does sounds as if she's worrisomely fragile. i'd talk to the doctor about pro-actively boosting her immune system. if you enlist her father's help in keeping her healthy, and make sure you're not just pointing the finger, i'll bet you'll find he is actually interested in his girl's well-being.
khairete
S.

My grandchildren's schools encourage the kids to bring a water bottle to school to keep at their desks. If you don't know why she's having dizzy spells try getting more water in her.

If she's not been evaluated for dizzy spells take her to the doctor. Anemia can cause dizzy spells and lower her ability to fight off illness. I would also require her to go to school unless she is dizzy, vomiting, or has a fever. The way my daughter's handle this is to not allow TV or electronics if they have no fever or are vomiting. They can read, draw, or do something school related.

If your daughter has not seen a doctor about dizziness and frequent school absences I suggest it's time to do that. If nothing else it documents that you are doing all that you can for the school.

As others have said it's important to not tie the illnesses to her dad. I suggest that it's normal for him to be defensive. Co-Parenting will work better if you focus on the problem and ask him for help than if you blame him. Ask to talk about what we can do. Just you changing your focus away from blame will make co-parenting work better. Be a team.

It will be difficult for you to break the pattern but if you persist I suggest your communication with her Dad will improve.

Your daughter's dad, because you co-parent should already getting the same things you're getting. Figure out why he isn't and ask the school to send everything to him.

Actually four days doesn't seem terrible. For any child. There are so many children who have had flues and colds this year, just seems to go on. Hang in there, no advice just hoping to reassure you this isn't the end of world.

If your child gets sick, then your child gets sick.
You seem on top of it to me. My only question is do you give vitamin C? My family has always given this. We like it.

~ Personally, I am very PRO Education, just to put that out there so I don't sound like a whack-a-do but I HATE this part of our 'education' system & that it reminds me that somehow the State/Government has more say in my child's life than I do.

I say, Don't worry about it. She is getting good grades, they can go suck it.
That's the whole reason she is there.

There is a push in parts of Seattle to now have mandatory PRE K?!
We've already mostly all moved to full day K, which was sad & most of us voluntarily do some sort of fun preschool at some point anyway but that wasn't enough. Can you believe that? 5 wasn't early enough...if they get their way you would now only get till your child is 4 years old to enjoy those daylight hours in freedom.

4 years old! It makes me sick to my stomach!!

Our SD excuses the frirst 12 absences. After that they mark the absence as unexcused unless you have a doctors note. My daughter has a few unexcused absences...oh well. The school also has a policy that you can't send kids to school with a fever or vomiting so I have kept her home. I really don't worry about it or think twice about it. An unexcused absence does not effect my daughter at all.