Teen Daughter - Birmingham,AL

simple. She is manipulating you. Stop that...or she will do it with everybody else that comes into her life. Result: she will be alone.

I think you are right. I have NO IDEA what her issues with her dad were. But, whatever they were, how she behaves now in the present is what she has control over. She is almost a legal adult and she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. Blaming others or becoming "the victim" won't get her what she wants. She may think that it does right now. Because it makes her life a little easier to "get out of" things using that. But if she ever expects to be taken seriously and respected as an adult, she needs to recognize that SHE is responsible for herself and her actions, and blaming the past doesn't change the present. Only SHE can change the present. So she might as well step up and act like a mature person, instead of a child/victim. Her college professors, or even the machine grading her SAT isn't going to give a hoot about her past... only what she produces and how she performs academically now. Same thing with future employers. And even mature relationships. Granted, her relationships will take into account how she became the person that she is, but they won't excuse her poor behavior or relationship skills because of something from 20 years ago. She will have to be loved in her own right for who she is, and not because of something that happened TO her. The sooner she learns this, the better off she will be. Sympathy is fine. But letting her off the hook for something SHE is responsible for, is a whole 'nother matter.

My friend has a daughter who was a real champ at this.
It was always over something small, like...clean your bathroom when you get out of the shower.
Then the dramatics....."You don't understand! When I was 10, Aunt Josephine hurt my feelings because she noticed I had a pimple!"
It may or may not have even happened, but 7 years later, what did it have to do with using cleanser in her sink and toilet and picking up her wet towels?
If she got in trouble, she would go to the school counselor and tell her that her mom didn't care about her. Dad had to have knee surgery and all the sudden she couldn't do anything because her knee hurt too and no one was doing anything about it. Her mom took her to the doctor, there was nothing wrong with her knee, but he did tell her what type of shoes to wear and which ones to avoid. Did she follow the doctor's advice? Nope. But, she couldn't gather up her own laundry because her knee was hurting her.
It was manipulation in a nut shell.
As another mom pointed out, her tactics didn't garner her many friends.
The "poor me" attitude only gets you so far.
Her mom had her in counseling, did everything she was supposed to do. She was also given some tools to combat the manipulation. I've known that girl since she was tiny and you'd think, by listening to her, that no one had ever paid attention to her in her life. Ever. She was always volunteering for stuff, like throwing a surprise birthday party for someone, but didn't mention it to her mom until the day before meaning that mom had to drive her around for all the stuff and pay for a cake and take time off work to get her there and pick her up. If her mom said no...it went right back to "no one understands me or loves me or cares about me."
What about asking her mom's permission? What about giving her mom some notice? She set her mom up. If she said no, then everyone would be disappointed and she could blame it on her mom. If her mom said no, then it was because she didn't care about her. If her mom said yes, she was buying into all of it and having to rearrange HER schedule to accomodate everything.
The girl went so far as to say, "I'm your kid. You had me and now it's up to you to see that I get what I want and need."
The counselors told Mom not to feed into any of it.
Your daughter may need to go back to counseling so they can discuss with her how bringing up the past only weighs her down. It doesn't help her move forward at all. Her arms and legs aren't broken, she can do the dishes or whatever other chores you have for her. Things that happened in the past can't be used to keep you from maturing and growing.
Yes, we all have past hurts, but we have to find a way to move beyond them and using them to manipulate other people isn't healthy.

I would talk to her counselor and ask for some guidance. Your daughter will be 18 soon and she will find it hard to make a way in the world with her current behavior. If she gets a job where she has to take out the trash once a week, will she just do it or will she start in on how someone hurt her feelings once? She'll get canned. And then she'll be upset because she can't keep a job and no one understands her.
She may not be done with counseling yet, Mom.

She certainly needs to grow up and start thinking about the world that goes on around her.

I wish you the very best.
Just don't give in to her antics.

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Just gotta love teenagers... if you can live to tell about 'em. She could be playing for sympathy. She's seventeen, so she needs to be adopting more adult responses to problems in her life. I'd go ahead and call her bluff. Keep in mind, also, that it's not unusual for teens to do this sort of thing. Sometimes they revert back to childish behavior or rail about their home life because they're actually afraid to become adults, although they'll never say so and may not quite realize it themselves. Your daughter may have a touch of this, too. If she is having problems with her friends, maybe she'd like to share those problems with you - while she's doing the dishes, of course. Her dad or someone else may hurt her feelings - but she doesn't need to take it out on the math teacher; she needs to go ahead and do her homework anyhow. That's what adults have to do - deal with their feelings and work through their issues but keep on being responsible.

The purpose of counseling is to give her tools with which to manage and repair the damage caused by past wrongs, not give her an excuse to act out for the rest of her life.
Calling her bluff is a step in the right direction.

she sounds clever enough to use those excuses for simple things in order to get sympathy because she knows you will walk on eggshells around her.

let her know that you have clear expectations and time frames for those things from them and that doing chores and helping out will only help her focus and learn to become the hardworking, positive adult you knwo she will be.

Just because she's been in counselling, doesn't mean that "past issues" are no longer a problem for your daughter. The biggest misconception is that "therapy" "fixes" past hurts. (I speak from the experience of being a teen when my parents divorced, as well as from the point of view of a Mom of a 17yr old son and 14 yr old daughter. I am still married.) My suggestion is that when your daughter brings something up, you take the time to listen to her, then say: "I hear what you're saying and you're entitled to your feelings. I'm sorry that this has happened to you because, believe me, as your Mom, anything that hurts you hurts me more!" Then tackle the dishes or whatever as a separate issue ... "We all have hard days but chores still need to be done and I need you to do the dishes right now." Just because you have listened and empathised with her does NOT mean she gets out of her chores or whatever else brought on her outburst! I hope my perspective is helpful. Btw - that was NOT how my parents handled me - I'm 42 years old and STILL have "old issues" despite years of counselling and anti-depressant medication!

Sound like you may be right. Is she still seeing her therapist?

Problems with her friends or her dad hurting her feelings is not a reason not to do dishes. I'm not saying that those aren't issues for her at times, but I do agree she's just using them to try to get out of doing what she doesn't want to do.

possibly, i remember doing that myself....17 and they know it all and mom knows nothing...

i'd call it a bluff from what i've read

If she is bringing up emotional issues as an excuse when she doesn't do her chores or directly defies a rule you established, then I would agree it sounds like she has learned to parlay emotional difficulties as excuses. What helped me with my 10 year old is to retort "Maybe that explains WHY you did/didn't do what you did, but it does not EXCUSE it." That way, you are listening to her, but not letting her off the hook for behavior she knows better than to do. Tell her the issue is a 2 pronged issue then, and first: she needs to correct her misbehavior by doing what you tell her to do/ask of her, and second: you and she will set aside time to discuss her feelings with her father/friends and come up with solutions, whether it is go back to therapy/teach her coping skills/etc. I did this and it called my kid's bluff: she had no interest in actually discussing her "emotional issues" regarding her bad attitude when asked to clean up after herself because... she didn't actually have emotional issues with cleaning up after herself, she was just seeing if it would work on her Dad and me. But by not immediately dismissing her emotions, we have occasionally come across a few times where she really was upset about something, and I was glad I didn't just hush her up and not take the chance to listen. Trust me, if she isnt actually having issues, she will HATE to waste her time to sit dow and opnly discuss problems she doesn't actually have. Good luck!

It is possible, but I believe those things never go away. You will get over it faster than she would. THe counseling might help, but different situations might trigger the reminder that you are separated and force her to revert back to that. Coach her thru a different approach to the problem. Hope that helps.