Teen Behavior

You need to listen to her. She is reaching out trying to get help and it sounds like she's not being heard. Yes she needs to earn to be a strong person and stand up to all the problems, but maybe these problems are to much for her to handle. If the school officials and counselors can't handle the other girls that are causing the problem, do you really want them to be the ones who are essentially looking out for here. I had a very tough time around that age and I have to be honest that hen I flt no one listened or cared I started losing hope. I did start a new school the next year and things improved greatly. She's trying to remove herself from a harmful situation, listen to her. Ask her if she can stick it out since the school year is almost over and you can discuss changing schools after she has had a chance to be away from school for a while. This will let her fell like she's being heard and you a chance to look into other possibilities for her.

If you have the ability to put her somewhere else do it. This is a very tough age and pulling her out if you are able is not a terrible idea. I was a school administrator before staying home with my kids. Sometimes it is best to remove the children depending on what is going on. It might need to just be for a short time and then things will be fine. The other option is that the year is almost over and next near may bring a better time for her.

I went through the same sort of thing myself as a junior higher. I changed schools midyear and it made all the difference in the world. It seems to me that she needs a clean break- a new setting. If it is practical, I think a new school would be a good idea.

You alluded to your granddaughter's past, I am guessing that something tramatic happened and this is what these other girls are taunting her about. Has she gone to therapy to deal with her past? Therapy will help her also learn social skills to handle the mean girls. Being a teen is tough, and girls can be extremely mean. Ignoring these girls is not going to work nor is confronting them and getting into arguments. That is just what they want. They want to get a reaction. Preferably a negative one. So give them a positive reaction. Coach your granddaughter to respond to them in a nonchalant manner, ie: 'yeah, that happened. No big deal, I've moved on.' if these mean girls see that their words don't hurt anymore the thrill they get out of taunting your granddaughter will be gone. A shrug and a 'whatever' then walking away are very effective as well. I worked in a group home with troubled teen girls and found that when a girl was cussing me out, screaming and calling me names the best response was "I'm sorry you feel that way". Worked every single time. Also, at home work on building your granddaughters self esteem. the better her self esteem the less these mean girls will be able to hurt her. tell her she is good, pretty, smart. praise her for everything even remotely good she does. hope that helps and good luck!!

Be careful what you say to her. You do not have to deal with mean girls on a daily basis. She does. Bullying is a serious, sometimes deadly issue these days. Do not take it lightly or try to minimize it. Take her feelings and concerns seriously or you could be very sorry that you didn't. Kids these days can be vicious, especially girls. It sounds as if she has already had issues in her life and doesn't need more. Sit down with her and figure out a real solution. Charter school. Changing schools. Home schooling. She needs to know that you are on her side and always will be, and that you take her concerns very seriously and care about making her life better. You are raising this child so the hard work must be done. Find a solution that works for her. She is in a situation that she cannot get out of without your help.

If she wants to go to another school, then please let her go. I went through the same thing when I was in school. My mother didnt let me change schools, I was stuck there. I fell into a depression and even thought about suicide. I know that as adults it is hard to think that a 14 years old has problems that bad. But when your 14 years old sometimes you think there is no way out.

My school noticed my change and suggested counseling. I did go and it helped me vent but didnt change how I felt. I think maybe if I did change schools then I wouldnt have had to spend almost 2 years in counseling. I hope she doesnt have to go through what I did. Please send her to another school, if she wants. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi, ok, how is the teenager girl with you? does she have respect for you or not? at this point. I hear of young girls and boys going thru the same thing in their schools. This is very hard on the girl, knowing that she has to wake up to go see those girls again, especially that the counselors cannot stop, since they have been in the office already. If you can I would move her to another school, for her safety. I will pray that the situation at school with these other girls stop the tourment on your grandaughter and if their are other teenager girls they are bothering too, this leads teenagers to rebel or commit suicide, cause they see no way out and we as parents and grandparents need to help them. My heart goes out to you. Please let me know, what you decided to do. S.

Being a teenager can be one of the happier times in your life or it can be the worst. Especially if you're a girl. Girls can be the nastiest, back-biting, two-timing, two-faced group that you can encounter and standing up to them usually gets you in trouble as well as the girl or girls. Grandma I don't know if you've been down to see the counselor, but if you haven't you need to. You need to see where the counselor is coming from and see if you feel he/she is fair. If you feel he/she isn't then you need to go up the chain of command. If your grand daughter is being harrassed about her "past", whatever it is, how do they know about it?? And again what has the counselor said about what they are saying to your grand daughter? It's so hard to focus when you are treated like a pariah and on a daily basis. It really hurts, badly.
I know she wants to leave that school but it may not help. You can run but you can't hide. The main thing is she does have some friends and that's a plus that she should focus on. Ignoring the other girls won't be easy and if it gets really bad you might need to go to the school board. Remember this is how people get to the point of harming themselves or others. Bullying and all other forms of harrassment at school need to be addressed and if they don't then you need to take it to the powers that be. Too many young people are put in this type of situation from counselors and teacher's lack of interest and passing it off as a "teen thing". Don't let this go! Stop it now before it becomes a possible tragedy.

There are charter schools in a lot of areas. The options for youth that are in strip malls a good potion of the time. They have their place in our society for sure. They aren't just for troubled kids, they are frequented by a lot of good kids who don't want to get mixed up in the ill effects of school (gangs, social inadequecies, etc..). This could be an option for you/her. Ultimately though, she will need to learn how to be confident in herself irregardless of "her past". God forgives, so forget the rest! Good luck & God Bless!

Based on personal experience similar to your grandaughters I believe she will remember the names of her aggressors & the more they are allowed to get away with the stronger the impact. I am 33 now & still remember everything about the bully in my school & she didnt even bully me that much but she wreaked havoc on so many lives. And if she has a past she is trying to let go of I would let her change schools. I dropped out my sophmore year & when I went back I wanted to go to a differnt school but I had to go in my district & my parents didnt fight it for me so I ended up right back with the same people & the same problems & dropped out for good by the end of the year. I have since done much more with my life but at that time had I been allowed to make a fresh start I believe I couldve have a very different outcome. I see now that school life is not for everyone & I am very seriously considering homeschooling now. I agree with everyone on here & I wish you the best of luck with this, but most of all I feel for your grandaughter who is so impressionable right now. She needs your support & love & it sounds like she is really lucky to have someone in her life who cares about her so much.

M.,
First off, what is her past? Is it something that is difficult for her to deal with them knowing? If so, you may have to put her in another school. It really depends on what they are talking about. If it is minor, then have a school counselor talk to her. But if it was something serious, get her out of the school NOW. She will be labeled no matter what she does. Never assume that something you might be able to handle, she can. At 14 years old, many things look worse and her self worth could be greatly affected. Talk to her, don't ignore it. It could become worse, and even life threatening. I am not trying to scare you, but I just want you to know it could possibly be extremely hard on her and she might not make the right choices.

I will lift all of you up in prayer.

E.:)

I think it would be a good time to find her a professional to talk to. I had a really open relationship with my mom but there were still things I couldn't talk to her about and it would have been nice to have someone to talk to back then. I don't think your grand-daughter is by any means broken or in need of fixing but it's helpful to build a relationship with a professional outside of everything in your life to help you cope and develop strategies to deal with these things. I was a teenager in the 90's and it was hard then and I know it's even harder now. Therapy seems to be so taboo and it's probably because it's called "therapy" and not something like "venting and building strategies for coping with life". I don't know what "the past" is for her but we all have to face the past from time to time and unfortunately being an adolescent in school with other adolescents you are always facing "the past" and it makes it hard to move on and focus. I wish you both the best.

My advice would be to allow her to leave that school. It might seem like these horrible little girls are running her off, but in all honesty, you have to do what is best for her future (and her self-esteem). Have you tried getting her involved in counseling? It seems to me that the issue is her self-esteem and not necessarily what these girls are saying but how she feels about what is being said. Is there a private school she could go to, could she get a variance to go to another school, would you be willing to homeschool? Tell her to make the decision carefully, because you aren't going to allow her to switch back if things aren't perfect at her new school (or homeschool) and then allow her to make that decision (based on what is available). A 14 year old girl just doesn't have the emotional maturity to step back and view things with some detachment. Everything that happens at this age feels like someone is hitting you with a baseball bat. You don't want her anger and frustration to lead to violence or other poor choices. If she can't find some help through counseling or good friends, find another alternative. You and I know from experience that those little brats who tease her now won't make any difference when she's 25, but right now, they do make a difference to her and she's allowing that to hurt her grades, her self-esteem, and if this continues, her future.

Dear M.,

I'm sorry for your situation. I would really consider moving her to another school. If there are any charter schools in the area, that may be an option. Also, you may want to consider homeschooling, if that is doable. My son is going to be starting with CAVA (California Virtual Academy) in the fall, because middle school has been torture for him. I pulled him out mid-year this year and we have been doing our own program, but I want something more structured so we are going with CAVA next year for 8th grade. Also, CAVA is a free program, because it is public school that you do at home. He will be going to a charter school for high school for 9th grade, the same one his big sister is in now.

Best to You!
S.

Depending on what the problems in her past are, it may be in her best interest to let her go to another school. While I agree that socialization and working with others is an important part of school, academics are the priority. And sometimes once a teen, especially one who has made some mistakes, is given the chance to start over, they thrive without loosing what they learned from the mistakes in the first place. That said, you have to keep telling her to ignore girls like that. There will be girls like that no matter where she goes, and all they are trying to do is get a reaction. If you ignore them they eventually give up. I know from experience- I was harrassed in high school, too. And I learned from it, mostly from my mom telling me to ignore ignore ignore. The teen years are the best time for a young woman (or man) to learn to control their anger, and that acting in anger resolves nothing. Good luck- I'm not gonna lie, I am dreading my children's teen years!

Get her in another school quickly. She will not be able to get rid of the past if the girls keep bringing it up over and over again. you don't want her to begin to believe them. Give her a chance with a clean slate and a brighter future. Find a school that has good programs for helping the struggling student. They are out there. Consider a charter school where the student population is smaller and the class sizes are smaller. At the one I work at, there are usually around 20 to 25 students in a class. The students go to school 2, 3, or 4 days a week, depending on their classes and needs (like tutoring) and do the rest independent study. Parents are encouraged to help their students if they can and tutoring is available without charge on Fridays.

Please let her go to another school. If you want more information, email me privately at ____@____.com

You know the whole situation and I don't, but I would do what is best for your granddaughter and not worry about whether these girls are running her out or not. I don't know what the past that you are referring to is, but it may be good for her to have a new start if there is a good option. At the same time you might want to think about counsellling for her or you as you go through this challenging period of time.I personally found counselling very helpful when my family was experiencing difficulties. A.

I sure would like to help because I have a 15 yr old girl as well. I dont have enough information to go on...you say "her past" meaning what? Did something happen? Were her grades always better before? Is she depressed at home?
If she has asked you to change her school have you tried to ask her extensively what girls are bothering her and did you talk to the school councelor? These are places you can begin.
I went and asked my teenage daughter about this. We both agreed you should consider changing schools but it depends on my questions first. And only let her change once. If these things happen again it shows the problem is somewhat within her.
It's hard to diagnose teens, but it can be way more serious than you think. Let me know....

Wendy

Hi M.,

It's hard raising a teen girl. I know from experience. I think that if it's possible, let her change schools. It'll make her feel empowered, and she can also "reinvent" herself at the new school, with no old baggage. When I was her age I was very shy and did not do well in school. My family moved to another town and I started another school and decided to be a different person. I was more outgoing, got better grades and had a lot more fun. It's such a tough age socially and kids who know your past will never forget it. If she changes schools she can start fresh and be more in control of who she is perceived to be.

V.

If her grades are suffering Maybe it is time to move onto another school. Maybe transfering to another school. I know it sounds like she may be bailing out but if she is that unhappy then maybe changing schools oe even doing home schooling for a little while will help her build up some confidence and self esteem.

I am only 24 years old but it wasn't that long ago I was in high school and unfortunatly when a group finds a victim they will continue to harass that student until they break. so maybe by removing her from that situation even for a couple of months may help her be able to stand up to those girls.

Hi M.,
I experienced this same situation when I was in high school. Unfortunately kids in that age group can be extremely cruel. I experienced it twenty-something years ago, and I think that the bullying that goes on with teen's is even worse these days. My grades dropped and so did my self-esteem. It was very traumatic. Soooo...I know it seems like you might be letting the bad guys win, but I would say if she wants to switch schools, you should let her. These mean girls will probably not stop hassling her, and there is probably more ugliness going on than she is even willing to share with you. I know we should teach our kids to work through their problems, but she is at a sensitive age and should NOT be put through this type of cruelty. I wanted to die...I hated going to school...I was afraid every day of the embarrassment I would have to endure. I hope she is not feeling like this, but if I were you I wouldn't risk putting her through one more week of it. I'm glad she has you for support, as well as a good circle of friends, (and boyfriend). I hope everything works out well for her.

Without knowing more about her, my first instinct is to make sure you have really listened to her reasons. Sometimes kids are trying to tell you something and I think that we think because they are only a teenager they don't know what's best. As long as she is not just wanting to leave so she can go to the boyfriends school and then when they break up she will want to go back, then I think you should consider it. Teenage years are tough, but I think if you are open and honest with her and allow her to be "heard" then after a good conversation you both can determine what would be the best for her at this time. Just be consistent!!! Good luck!

Kids are very mean these days. my daughter went through the same problems. These girls made her life hell. She went from a G.A.T.E. student to Ds and Fs, ditching school, lying to me about everything to do with school. She was even a cheerleader untill this group of girls started in on her. I also told her to ignore them ( it only made it worse). We talked to counslers, teachers and the principal. Nothing helped! If there is another school she can go to, please let her. These girls will not stop! Your grand daughter will be better off if she can get away from them. My daughter quit school at 16 because of this. We talked her into going to a christen based private school that was meant for at risk students ( kids in trouble) But she was able to go at her own pace and finished school at 17. Please listen to your child, she will not be able to learn in that school. Good luck !

Teen girls can be vicious. I would take your granddaughter's request to attend a new school seriously. This obviously makes it so both her schoolwork and her life in general are suffering. See if you can transfer her to another school. Or look into alternative schools - there are a lot of free, online schools available. She's not letting them run her life or chase her away, she's making an adult decision to remove a negative aspect from her life - good for her!

M.,
This sounds like a very delicate issue....First of all I am no expert on teens, I do have 7 kids, but my oldest is only 14. So this is all new stuff for me as well.
What I do know is that girls at this age are very uncertain about what life is all about, what it all means and who they themselves are becoming. Your granddaughter is at an age where she herself is not sure who she is. She needs lots of hugs, love and positive comments about all of her great qualities, which I am sure as grandma you can see quite easily. Teens need lots of love and hugs or they will seek too much of that from the boyfriend which will lead to other problems, YOU DO NOT WANT!
Not knowing what it is those girls are bringing up about her past, I would say that your granddaughter needs to know that if it is something that she did that she really feels guilty about or bad about she needs to come to terms with whatever it is and forgive herself first. Then when she can let go of whatever it is she did, she can begin to heal from that thing of the past and those comments will begin to lose their power over her, because she will know that she made a mistake and she has moved on and so they need to move on too!!! If it isn't something that she did that she feels bad about and has really done nothing wrong, than those girls are just bullies and they are the ones with problems. If she can be the bigger person and try to ignore the comments, those girls will eventually stop because it won't be any fun teasing your granddaughter anymore. If they can't get a rise out of her, what fun is that.
Is there any counselors at the school that she can get help with this about. This really is a tough time and age for your granddaughter. Even a grown up would have a hard time dealing with this kind of situation in life. Tell her that this would be hard for you to deal with and that you really feel sympathy for her situation. If you have an experience that you went through in your life that was similar and maybe how you handled it, she will feel like someone out there knows how I feel and understands. Even grandma went through this.
Teens take more patience than any other age, in my opinion. I have toddlers and a teen and every age in between and by far teens are the most delicate. With lots and lots of love she will get through this. If all else fails, she could always change schools and get a fresh start. I mean if after trying all the things mentioned above and those girls don't change, leaving the school wouldn't be a bad option. I'll bet it won't come to that.
I don't know if you are religious or not but now would be a good time for you and your granddaughter to try a little prayer. Never underestimate the power of a heartfelt prayer. God is always listening to the prayers of your heart. Give this situation over to Him, He will help, just ask!!!!!!!!Good luck and God Bless you M..
M. God will bless your efforts. You must be an incredible lady, you are raising your grandkids. You must have a ton of love. I have no doubt that your grandkids will turn out fabulous with a grandma like you!!!
I am prying for you and your granddaughter.

Please listen to your daughter, her feelings are valid. If this means leaving good friends behind to be in a better, positive atmosphere (this is more important to her than keeping old friends). My daughter also experienced social behavior problems at this age, jealous girls disliking her. She went through a deep period of depression, suicidal thoughts, it was awful to see my precious daughter so broken down. If she experiments with alcohol and drugs while depressed, this may lead to even bigger problems. Per my daughter's request, we switched high schools three times before she felt accepted and liked by others. Her performance and attitude improved overall and she grew and learned from her past experiences. She self enrolled in a school club with a new friend, which I never would have imagined. She restricts herself to a small group of friends these days, as it's difficult for her to trust other girls. Sometimes it's not worth all the drama. Counseling sometimes helps to an extent, but you are the best person for her to come for guidance with problems to try to resolve together. It's sometimes best to walk away from negative situations. You are both in my prayers and I feel your grandaughter's pain.

Hi M. -
As a Scool Counselor myself, I would hope that her counselor would offer up some conflict mamgement between your grand daughter and the girls that are "harrassing" her. It will not only help to diffuse the situation, but may also give her some new skills of how to deal with peers and adults. It can't hurt to try and that way if it continues just let the counselor know so that appropriate consequences can be issued to the other girls. The counselor can say that a teacher witnessed the behavior and wanted her to address it with all of the girls so that way your grand daughter/the other girls won't think she "tattled on her.P.

Hi M.,

I have a 13 going on 14 year old and the girls give her a hard time too. We had a long chat and I told her that right now those girls count for a lot in your life, but one day, you wont even remember their names. You can choose to accept what they say as truth, and let them control YOUR attitude and how you act. Or you can choose not to accept anything they say and just control yourself and plan what you want to do with your life. We have a choice in this world and giving that choice to someone else to make us happy or unhappy will lead us to miserable lives. Give her an apptitude test and find out what she is good at and let her concentrate on that for her future.

My child's grades have improved and the girls that teased her are now curious about her ability to just be happy and driven by a purpose, they have even been trying to copy whatever she does. Chances are those girls have pretty big problems of their own and need to divert the attention away from themselves.

Good luck,

V.

I pretty much agree with everyone so far. Change schools. As teenagers, they're not as resilient as you hope. Like many here who has agreed, I too was bullied. My grades fell, I became rebellious and I engaged in a lot of dangerous activity. I made the same appeals to my own mom but she wanted me to be tough and believe that just because she said I was wonderful, I was. It didn't mean I felt wonderful. What our peers say and do to us matters (it shouldn't but at that age, it just does) and it can affect our self esteem and the person we become for the rest of our lives. (I'm 35 and I still struggle with questioning myself) If it is just as simple as changing schools to right the ills that are befalling her and you are able to accomodate it, then let her.
I'm not sure what going to the principal will do, depending on the attitude of the principal. If they're effective at setting up peer mediation and dealing with these situations, you can try that route first but if they're not, then it could make matters worse for her.

Let her change schools. She's not running away from her problems, she's taking herself out of a bad situation. That's not a bad skill to learn.

M., first of all a 14 year old in my opinion his to young to be having a boyfriend, any where in the world, life is complicating enough at that age with peer preasure school home work etc, My daughter ayt 13 and 14 joined the Color/Winter guard at school, her cirlce of friends were more like family and everything these kids did they did together, it keeps them busy, My daughter never had time for any high school drama. J.

HI there. I don't know what her past problems were,but if they are bad enough to cause poor grades and a desire to not want to go to school then i think that you need to go and talk to the counsler about the situation. Share with the counsler what is going on and if needed get the principal involved. Have all these other children talked to about what is going on. If it can't be resolved then maybe letting her go to a different school isn't a bad idea. She is at an age now that all of her grades count on college applications. She needs to do good in school.
Good luck

I would let her transfer schools, Find a scholl outside the area with special features such as drama or dancing something she is relly into. That might help there are schools that have great academics and care about the grades first. BUT CHANGING SCHOOLS WOULD I(N MY OPINION) BE BEST. haven't you heard that is why most kids get even because they are picked on for so long. I have a fourteen year old daughter who went thru the same thing and i switched schools and she could not be happier. do it for her and as far as the other girls go they are just losers anyway.

My daughter goes to a Middle school and was in 8th grade that is a feeder school to the infamous school where "Jaime" the boy who committed suicide was attending. Bullying is insideous, its a look, a glance, on facebook, etc. MY daughter has had a rough time with our Divorce, and has esteem issues and has been in couseling. Needless to say she has struggles emotionally to begin with, but dealing with Bullying sent her over the edge. The rumor was that she was a "slut" her grades went down attendance was 40 days plus out of school. When she went back kids made even more fun of her. Emotionally she had no copeing skills and finally I said that she needed home instruction while the Dr. was adjusting meds. to get her out of a constant state of anxiety and depression. She was out of school for a month with tutors but that wasnt enough. Her grades kept slipping because she couldnt keep up staying at home. However, the meds worked and and she brought her grades up to pass 8th grade in the 80's! She got on the cheer team and is going into "Jaimies" high school. This community is very affluent and kids are very cliquey and exclusionary. I hope she is OK and if she isnt I WILL MOVE HER to another school.