Teasing

Children don't have the ability to look at how "things won't matter when they're older and look back", so you saying that is doing absolutely nothing for her. As a matter of fact, she probably couldn't care less about how things will be for her when she's older right now. Kids live in the moment, and think that their lives are shattered when things happen that are bad to them, whether it be a friend being mad at them, a boyfriend breaking up with them, or being made fun of. The best thing to do is just simply to teach her ways to react to it. I've even done role playing with my kids. They're young, but I don't see why it wouldn't work with older kids. When I was a teenager, all I wanted from my mom was comfort. If she'll let you give advice on how to handle stuff, go for it, otherwise, just listen to her and be there for her.

To me, the most important thing is her reaction. She cannot look down, cry or in anyway let them know they get to her. Kids pick on kids who give them the reaction they are looking for, not kids who are confident in themselves. They can sense a lack of self-confidence and will pounce.
It starts with how she feels about herself, and how she projects. Hope it helps =)

K.,
As a retired middle school teacher, I have seen your daughter's scenerio all too many times. I think you need to have discussions with your daughter about what makes a friend. Help her to see that these "popular" kids aren't friends; they are users. Help her to build a strong character so that she doesn't care what these kids say or do.

Perhaps her school has some after school clubs or activities that your daughter could join and thereby meet new friends, people with similar interests who will appreciate your daughter for the person that she is.

These middle teen years are so difficult. Kids are trying to discover who they are and are very vulnerable to criticism or bullying of any kind. Watch for signs of low self-esteem in your daughter. Bullying ( and that's what these kids are doing to her) can be a very destructive force. If it continues, have your daughter discuss it with her guidance counselor. Do not encourage her to ignore it or pretend that it will go away. The damage this type of behavior causes will remain with her for years, if not for her entire life.

Good luck.

C. P.

I unearthed a copy of a poem I wrote many years ago that seems to fit the situation. Although everyone has their own interpretations, it is my "definition" of a friend. I will place it at the end of my advice. I hope you will share it with your daughter to help her understand what true friendship is.
First,since you have older daughters, maybe you could discuss the situation with them and have them talk to your 13 year old also. Since they are more her age range, and "Mom just won't understand" (as most young teen agers believe)she may listen to them easier. Also, believe it or not, your older daughters may actually be able to understand the peer environment and the solutions better than a parent who has been out of the school scene longer than they have. And because two of your daughters are in their twenties, I am confident they would not give unhealthy advice to your 13 year old. Maybe they can tell her some of their own experiences and how they resolved them to the better. Along with your own advice, this may help her to understand that by being nice, then being mean, the "popular" kids are just showing their own insecurities and compensating for them in the only way they know.
I hope this helps you out.

FRIENDS
Whenever you feel you're all alone
And think there's no end to the night
Take courage my friend and keep your head high
Remember these words that I write.

A friend is someone special
They will be there if ever you fall
Never turning their back to you
A friend will answer your call.

A friend has two arms to help carry your load
Eyes to see your sorrows
Two legs to walk you down life's long road
And hopes for all your tomorrows.

A friend has a heart that feels your pain
A shoulder to rest your head
Tears to share when yours fall like rain
And hand to dry then when they are shed.

A friend has an ear that hears more than your voice
And laughter and love they easily share
A friend has a soul that with yours does rejoice
A friend is someone who shows that they care.

A friend is a person you trust and respect
Who will stand beside you through the lows and the highs
A friend will ACCEPT, but will never EXPECT
True friendship is eternal, for it never dies.

Hi, K. -

I'm sure as hard as this is on your daughter, it's equally hard on you. All through my life, my Mom and I have been extremely close, and I know how much she's suffered with me any time I've hit painful obstacles in my life.

From first through fourth grade, I had a wonderful experience at school, feeling accepted, enjoying my classmates, and generally "fitting in" just fine. I was always slightly overweight, but I was never teased during those years by my classmates, and I only recall being teased one time at that school by someone I didn't know.

That all changed when my school closed and I changed schools to enter a Gifted and Talented program at another school, a different school from the one my other friends were transfered to. I had absolutely no preparation for how different and miserable things would be there for me. I was definitely ostracized and teased, shunned, and made fun of. The girls in my class were very snide and conceited, and they didn't think I dressed right or fit with them whatsoever. Thankfully, the boys were nice, but the classroom environment for those two years was very unhappy for me. I was not grossly overweight, but, nevertheless, I was not a stick-thin kid, and I remember one of the nastiest girls, whose name was Andrea, offering to pay me a quarter to eat something one day in the cafeteria, like I was some kind of sideshow.

Fortunately for me, I had other activities in school, such as choir and orchestra, and I became a whiz at doing acrobatic tricks on the uneven bars on the playground. That was a big deal to the "playground kids" who were not in my class, so I gained a level of admiration and acceptance with them.

Anyway, thankfully, those two years passed, and I reunited with my original friends from Jr. High on, and all was wonderful again.

Years later, after graduating from high school with lots of honors and even having been Prom Queen, I ran into that nasty Andrea at a restaurant, where she was my waitress. I was tempted to really give her a run for her money, but I didn't. She didn't recognize me, and I was glad to have the chance to have her serve ME a little bit after how much she had tormented me as a child.

My best advice is this: if your daughter can learn now how to make friends of substance, that will help her for the entire rest of her life. The popular kids aren't necessarily popular because of their humanitarianism or deep qualities of friendship - that's not to say they're all bad. But, if she's not "in" with them, then maybe she should see that as an indication that she's a different sort of person than they are, and that is likely a good thing. It's invalidating to ourselves if we continue to quest after the attentions of people who are not interested in us. That's a pattern that can repeat in romantic relationships and also in the work place. The challenge is to find those situations where we are desired strictly for who we are and what we bring to the table.

I'd encourage you to help your daughter shine in those arenas where she has particular strengths, talents, or interests. The school environment is such a closed circuit. Bust her out of there into some activities that don't have anything to do with school so that she can expand her social horizons beyond the immediate. I never did enough exploring of this kind when I was younger, and I truly wish I had. It took me until I was in my 30s to find that I love volunteering with animals, and my animal shelter buddies are from all walks of life, most completely unrelated to my usual professional or social circles.

Help your daughter be true to herself and find those people who she can have true kinship with, and I guarantee she won't long for the popular kids' nod of approval so much.

I wish you the best. I know this is very hard, but take heart that this may be a valuable lesson learned early that will benefit her for the rest of her life when everyone else is struggling to find themselves.

H.

Hey K.,

I was teased, too. My grandmother told me this at a young age. (4th grade) and it has helped me my whole life, even today as an adult.

She explained that some people feel bad about themselves. They may not have a mother or father that love them and tell them that they are pretty, or smart or sweet. So, the only way they can feel good about themself is to put down others. It is wrong, but they don't know any other way. From then on, I felt sorry for those that made fun of me. I thought how sad that their mom and dad don't love them.

AND, as an adult, you and I know, the ones who were popular because they were just so mean, usually just make a mess of their life and relationships. Now I really feel sorry for them. It might be fun to get out your high school album and show your daughter where the meanies are now.

It's never going to be popular to choose the high road. Wish it were! Hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

I will pray for you and your daughter. Teenage years are so traumatic.

Thank goodness my daughter learned at age 6 when she started second grade at the school my husband was the head custodian at she was not going to fit in. She had to go to a private first grade because she was so advanced she needed to go to first grade at 5 but even though she had passed all of the tests her birthday wasn't until October so they wanted her to repeat kindergarden and we refused to allow this action. She had done well at pre-school and gone to kindergarden there but all of her close friends had moved on to the other school and when she got there a year later had all ready formed their clicks and she just didn't make the cut. She did have a few friends by the end of the year but never let herself get hurt by anyone. When they teased her she just smiled back at them and shook her head. She graduated at 17, the youngest in her class and when she went to her first class reunion found out she was all ready a para-legal and legal secretary in the state of New Jersey and most of the "popular kids" were still in college where they had found out they were basically no-bodies. I know it doesn't help her now but maybe she needs to get some assurances from some young adults that when they get to college the "popular kids" will be in the place she is in today.

My son battled back by simply becoming the class clown. I don't suggest this as a solution. Believe me, it wasn't, and I don't think it is, but the popular kids made fun of him so he just went along and did things to draw attention to himself in a humorous way and they accepted him. He had some great friends from all groups that way. He always walked to the beat of a different drum but focused on the fact he wanted a military career and when he hit high school a lot of the kids he thought were his friends he left behind simiply because he wasn't going to get into the drug and alcohol scene for any reason and focused on what he wanted. It cost him when some of them went after him at 16 but he pulled it out by having a job and sticking with the ones he knew weren't going to be doing drugs and alcohol related things many of the "popular kids" were doing.

I will pray for you both.

P. R

Well, I think that getting her involved with school activities, dance, gymnastics, whatever will help her gain confidence & make new friends! Its all about confidence & expieriences! My oldest sister has kids that have gone thru just what your describing. We figured out they need to feel like they belog to something. Sports teams, acting, choir.

Make sure she has cool clothes to wear & she fixes herself up nice when she goes to school. Iron her clothes, do her hair,
help her gain confidence.

homeschool her, then you won't have those problems.

Have you tried talking to her? Take her out, just the two of you. Woman to woman. Ask her why she thinks these girls are so popular and if she thinks its' cool being cruel to people. Ask her which is better being a good person inside and maybe not popular or being cruel, hurtful and popular.
Try to help her understand about true friends and real friendship. That she may not be "popular" but the friends she does have are more likely to be real friends because of who she is not what she has. That her friends are more likely to want to be her friend simply because she's a great person instead of being her friend because they want something from her like they do from the popular girls (popularity rub off).

Good luck, I hope this helps.

PS: In high school I had a total of 3 friends, 2 of which I would still gladly take a bullet for. I was not popular but I had people who truly loved me.

I come from a fairly small town, and what matters in our high school is what your last name is and how much money you have. I did not have the right name or enough money, so I had a lot of trouble from "popular" girls in high school. I would be friends with someone (at least 3 different someones that all did the same thing to me), and if I did anything to make her mad, the claws would come out... she would tell lies about me to the "popular" people to get them to pick on me. I had a VERY hard time in school. I started to have trust issues (if I trust you enough to tell you one of my secrets, are you going to tell everyone and make fun of me for it?) I wanted to transfer schools, but my school wouldn't let me. All my mom kept telling me was to ignore the people doing this to me and they will quit. I tried that, and it only made it worse - they demanded attention, and being ignored really fired them up. I did have 3 close friends through high school. All I could really do was hang with them. If a situation came up, I would face it, then walk away. That was the only thing that ever made any of them stop. One night at a party one came up to me to start a fight. She told me she could get me down in the rocks and beat my "butt". I responded with "I don't doubt that, you are twice my size." She slapped me, then I asked if she was done. She called me a name and walked away (with all of her friends). After that, they started to leave me alone. Maybe I felt a little more empowered, maybe they were a little intimidated, maybe the fun went away because I stood up for myself, who knows? Your daughter thinks this is the worst that can happen to her, and right now in her world, it is. She will find a couple of friends (maybe not the "popular" ones, but real friends) that will stick with her, and that will help her more than any parental advice ever will. My theory is, I would rather KNOW who is not my friend than have people I THINK are my friends belittle or make fun of me. My real friends didn't do that, and that is what kept me going. Once I graduated and went to college, my whole world changed for the better. A couple of rumors still circulated about me, but I didn't hear them (or responed to them) and they finally stopped. I found more friends, I met so many new people, and things have been better ever since. You can try to tell her that there are better people out there. You can tell her that the girls that are "popular" now will not be any more special than anyone else when they get to college - maybe even as soon as high school. I didn't believe it until I saw it happen, but it was true.
My advice to you is to listen to her, let her vent, let her cry, and give your opinion only if she asks for it. That is what she needs right now. Don't make her feel like she is over-reacting to the situation - even if you think she is - or she may stop talking about it to you, and having nobody to talk to when you are feeling rejected by anyone only hurts worse...trust me, I was there.

This is such a tough topic and you have been given so much wonderful advice, but I just had to share, even if it is redundant!

My son is 7 yrs old and in first grade. Sadly he has already had 2 encounters with teasing! One was a classmate whose mother actually made her apologise to my son and another was some random child in kindergarten teasing him for wearing a Diego shirt. He adores animals and therefore loves Diego. Anyhow he & I had a spontaneous talk about real friends and what is truly important in life. I think he understands the real friends will not pick on him or bully him. We also discussed that life is not about those kids, but about following your heart and what you love - no one else can choose your likes & dislikes. It was a tough conversation, but I really wanted to plant the seeds about repecting yourself and your values. I am certain that as he gets older this will occur again and again, unfortunately. He is a child who carries his heart on his sleeve and is very social.
I think how big a deal is made over it can make a difference, and I agree with others who have told you that she has to have her own self confidence as they are feeding (so to speak) on her insecurities. I don't believe telling her that it won't matter later will impact her, only make her feel that she is not heard. This is important to her now. Do not diminish it, but teach her to look into her spirit of who she is and see how wonderful she is. And if she doesn't like being treated that way, why would she wish to being around kids who do? Does she want to act that way? Maybe taking her out for a general mom & me time would allow you a window to see what is really making her wish to be with these kids.
I was never popular, or unpopular - I was in the middle. I had friends on both sides of the fence, but I think that was because I was just nice to eveyone and never cared to fit in, I think because I felt I never would so I never tried. I was in no way as clear about it then as I am now. But I do know it was much more peaceful that trying to fit in! That is what I hope to teach my son. (and my daughter too!). You will have many 'social' friends, but only a few close friends who will stand by you no matter what.
I hope this helps somewhat! Good luck!

I know how it is to be on the outside. Children learn the "art" of leveling at an early age. And this is all taking you back to that time when it happened to you. Two things: I learned from watching Little Bill -- If what they say isn't true, and it doesn't hurt her feelings, then the word "So?" can do a lot to difuse their power. See, it's really all about the power they have to make her react. I cried. Now, looking back, I wish I had learned not to allow anyone to attempt to define me. This is also about these useless people in Follywood know as the "It" girls, i.e., Hillary, Brittany, etc. Teach your daughter to define herself. If you don't know who you are, you will believe anyone who defines you. And their agenda is usually to make you feel less than. Popularity is a fleeting perception. Ask anyone who was and shows up at the reunion, still stuck in the past or who ended up with a life career at Walmart checkout. Find friends who like what you like and stop focusing on the shallow part of the friendship pool. And Mom, unless it escalates help her to develop coping skills, if it escalates get the school authorities and parents into the mix. (Yes, I too saw the insanity where a mother got involved in the online nonsense.)

I have a 14 year old daughter and I know exactly what you mean. I keep hoping its a phase, but unfortunately this phase will probably last through high school. The only thing I can say is keep encouraging her to find friends that matter the most, those that care about people, not care about what handbag they are carrying. I also try and remind her when she is says something that could be interpreted as gossip, and not the truth, that other peoples feelings get hurt as well.

I was one of the popular kids. But I also was friends with many others, in every click. One thing to know is that the "popular kids" don't matter. They aren't friends anymore, and they struggled to realize that the world didn't revolve around them when they got into the real world. I didn't deal with that issue, because I had the friends from the "smart group" or the "talented group" or the "just normal group". I have come to realize that those were actually some of my best relationships in high school. We still like to see each other. PLEASE help your children to realize that this is an issue that should NOT be worried about or obsessed upon. They need to be happy with who they are. Then others will flock to them, to get some of that happiness too.

This is bullying, as someone else said. And girls can be worse than boys because they tend to hurt you in ways that don't show. One of my friends' daughter became anorexic because of bullying. You are right to be concerned.

I was bullied in 7th grade, and even after 35 years and 4 miscarriages that is still the worst day of my life. Karate is a good suggestion; if she doesn't like that, any activity that gives her a good feeling will do the same. For me it was piano lessons and a church group where no kids from my school worshipped. Encourage her to get involved in anything away from school. Volunteering at an after school child care program, soup kitchen..... Really, anything that doesn't involve kids she goes to school with will allow her to see herself differently.

Most of all, listen and watch. Remind her that these girls are just stepping on her to get themselves to the top of the social ladder, it has nothing to do with her. And keep telling her that there is a whole life after high school where these people will not matter one iota. (You don't want to peak in high school!)

Good luck.

As a middle school science teacher and mother of three, I have seen this played out so many times. Here is how to work it. "The way to have a friend is to be one." It is that simple, but so very hard to do! When someone has a best friend, they are truly the richest person on earth. Everyone else will be watching what great fun the two gals have together. It is the kind of friendship they wish they had. Some will do anything to break it up. They will lie, gossip, make fun...everything evil. But stand firm beside each other as best buds under it all no matter what. EVERYONE wants a friend like that!!! When they see you are that kind of friend, many will want to be your friend too. It takes great strength to never gossip. NEVER DO IT! It takes great stregth to forgive. "Don't throw your pearls before swine." That is a proverb from the Bible that means don't give your best to the pigs. They will trample it into the mud. Choose your best friend wisely, and stick at it. Dump every control freak guy who interferes with your friendship. Same with any girl who isn't mature enough to have more than one friend at a time, because you and your best bud are a forever thing. I can name mine...Pam, L., Suzy, Julie, Debbie, Carol, Connie, Linda...yeah...I was popular because Pam and I were inseperable! She was a native American, and she needed a friend. We became close friends. Others wanted in on our fun. We were cheerleaders together. Of this group of friends, one of the gals is in Denmark, one is Jewish, one on the east coast, one on the west coast, one I see regulary, all I still email with these ladies a few times a week. All you need is one true friend who sticks closer than a brother. (That was from the Bible too.) Pick someone mature and find out how special they are and celebrate life together! Also, reading a chapter out of the book of Proverbs everyday will help to keep you on track as it is hard work to be nice all the time. Don't pick someone mean to be your friend. (Bible again!) There are 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs so I read chapter 25 today since it is March 25. Tomorrow, I'll read chapter 26. I have been doing this for forty years. My grown kids do it now, too. I'll be praying you have wisdom in choosing a great friend!

This is already happening to my 6 year old granddaughter....and it happened to all 6 of my children.
Disgusting, isn't it.
Teen girls can just be so mean....especially when boys become important.
I hope your daughter can get past this.
Thank God that high school is only 4 years.
I still have many friends from high school and grade school and I think that helped my daughters see that there are people that are worth knowing through those years.

it is not a 13 year old thing. i see this in people of All ages. just look around. people have to experience for themselves the futility in this kind of manipulation..as long as someone buys into the whole idea, they are subject to it. the kind of mentality that buys into these mind and heart and psychological social games is shallow. a person should ask her self/ his self why they are concerned with being treated a certain way by people who are too unconscious to even know WHAT motivates them to be unkind to others- if they are secure in themselves and their relationships, what would motivate unkindness from them? It is insecurity that moves someone to be unkind. i remember being shocked when i was in college and my roommate at the time was coaching her sister on how to become friends with the girls who were being unkind to her!!! i would have been coaching my younger sister to diregard girls and boys like that. People like that only hold power over the people who buy into that kind of being. If you long to be friends with people who treat others including yourself with unkindness well shame on you-what else can you expect? it is rather masochistic. If you make the back-stabbers your friends, you 're likely to get stabbed in the back-duh! :) a friend is someone who Supports you in being the best that is you and for you- not someone who seeks to undermine your sense of self-worth. common sense. if a person's sense of themself depends on their making themselves feel superior to others, are they capable of truly being a friend? When i was 13 the "popular" ones were Not the ones that mattered at all. the popular ones are virtually always the ones who create and enjoy a sense of exclusivity that is degrading to the ones who are excluded. they live in a little bubble of their own perceived superiority and if it gets burst they are rather LoST. they are like ghosts of themselves- no substance inside. sooner or later they encounter their own emptiness -and then they have to start to enrich themselves with things more real than the smoke and mirrors and tricks that have sustained them until they do. the "popular" ones are the immature,ignorant, unevolved ones. If you are the kind of "popular" that is not real, if you go out of your way to tear others apart, you are of a mean and low consciousness and do not cannot know true gladness. what at all is admire-able about that? i feel for the girls and guys who do not see that meanness is meanness.
popular does not always equal mean but when it somehow does, it is very sad that what is popular is meanness. not my world. if you seek acceptance from mean people, you'll probably have to be mean and play mean games and hurt people like you have been hurt. not my kind of fun, not my kind of gladness. not my kind of real. seeking approval from those whose habit is to dissapprove...where is the success where is the comfort?

Just let her know that everyone has gone through what she's going through...I'm sure even the popular kids themselves are teasing and hurting eachother. The thing that saved me during those years was being involved in sports. One, it gave me something to focus on and work at besides being popular (which is something that is totally out of your control). Two, if a "popular" girl was also on the team it gave me an opportunity to hang out with her away from the rest of the "popular" group so they could just be themselves. Three, especially in high school, we would start volleyball practice a month before school started along with all the other fall sports. So, it gave you a chance to hang out with and meet other kids in a more relaxed atmosphere than a party.

Tell her it's like a game of Survivor...just try and fly under the radar in the beginning, let the popular kids vote themselves off the island, form a couple strong alliances along the way, then walk away the winner in the end.

Hi K.,
At this point I cant relate to being a mother with a teenager having this type of problem. My 3 are still 6 and under. But I know its coming and I heard its worst with young girls. Since I have 2 girls, I know my time will come to deal with this. However I do know that it starts young. My son has dealt with some teasing from other classmates and it breaks my heart when he comes home upset. I called my mother to ask advise since I am 1 of 4 girls, so I knew she went through this with us. She said that she continued to instill in us from a young age, that there are mean people in the world. That there are going to be people at school that chose not to be nice and they will hurt your feelings on purpose. Its not fair and there is nothing you can do about it. You can not control how other people act.. the only thing you can control is how you act. She told us that we needed to be strong and not let other people convince us of who we are or what we believe in. She said that people who are mean, will continue to be mean if you allow them to be mean to you. Then she told us to make sure we never treated anyone else that way. I dont remember having a problem with people teasing me in school that much. I knew there were occasions, but I think that I really didnt care. I had my friends and that was good enough for me. It sounds so easy, I know. I cant say how I will react when my kids get older and have to deal with that. But I talk to them all the time about ignoring people who are mean and not letting them threaten you into doing what they want. Right now, mine are dealing with "if you dont do A or B, I wont be friends with you". I told them to look right at that kid and say "I dont want friends like that. So if thats what it takes to be your friend, Ill find someone else". It worked to. My son did it the other day and he was so proud of himself. Just keep the lines of communication open. She'll look back and remember that she had your support and hopefully thats all she'll remember. Hope all goes well.