Helping My Daughter Deal with "Mean Girls"!

My dtrs teacher noticed the same kind of behavior when she was in second grade. So the next year my dtr was in a different class and had to make all new friends. Making new friends was stressful, BUT worth it in the end. It stopped the cycle. Maybe her teacher can have them all seperates in different classes next year. Btw, my dtr is now in 8th grade and the friends she made in third grade are still her friends. And the "mean" girls are now nice to her and want to be her friend again.

My kids are younger, but my sister dealt with this with her daughter. Instead of trying to talk her out of trying to be friends with the girls, or trying to talk some sense into her (and she did try both of these things). she had conversations with my niece to try to get my niece to come to her own conclusions. These convos could be after watching a tv show together, reading a book together, or just out of the blue. They would talk about what a good friend "looks like," treats you, etc., and about what characteristics my niece would want in a friend. Then, next time the girls got nasty, my sister said, "Remember we talked about what a friend is, and what a friend isn't? Do you think Megan is being a good friend right now?" My niece started to see it, and started to see the pattern of mean girl behavior.
Good luck to you.

Some open-ended questions for you to ask her when the subject comes up:

Who does she like to play with? Does she feel good when she plays with them? If not, then ask her who she does feel good playing with. If so, why?

You can notice when her nicer friends are around, and remark on how kindly or considerate they are toward your daughter. "Rachel must really like being friends with you. She gave you a big goodbye wave!" or "It sounds like you had fun playing with Isabella and Christine. You were smiling when you talked about them. They sound like fun friends." When the harder moments come up, when she faces the hurt and rejection, you can give her empathy: "That's hard. I don't like being left out of fun stuff either. (and then ask a question.) What do you think you could do/say if this happens again? Let's write it down." Don't offer any criticism of her ideas, just write them all down and then focus on the two or so that seem most effective from your parental perspective. Then ask her which ones she likes most and would like to try. Talk about what might happen.

Ultimately, one of our jobs as parents is to teach our children the universal truth that we can't control the actions of other, only how we choose to respond to them. While I would never expect a six year old to maturely contemplate in the moment what their response would be instead of rightfully being upset at being bullied, we also want to empower them to feel that they aren't just *stuck*, your daughter has options. She'll have to learn some of this the hard way.

And if it were me, I'd also cue the teacher in and have them talk to the playground monitor. If your daughter is being bullied, it's good for the teacher to know. And if she's following them around, the teacher might have a 'special job' or another distraction for your daughter. Hard to do in a class of 25+ kids, but it's worth asking. From my perspective, it only takes a couple of seconds to say "Hey, I see Sabrina and Tommy (other friendly kids are playing pirates over there. I think they need a third pirate for their ship." Kids who are needing a little help and want to feel wanted will often rise to the occasion and go where their needs are being met, and in this way she can 'save face' leaving the group of girls that aren't nice with her pride intact. Letting them "Blame it on the teacher" is sometimes the nicest thing we teachers can do.:)

Wow! You could be describing my daughter to a T when she was that age. Every part of it. She is now in 3rd grade (soon to be 4th). She has matured and has realized that not everyone is a friend, and if people are mean to you, don't bother with them. She seems to have accepted that certain girls are just never going to be her friends. I am so glad and relieved that she has come to this point. I spent so much time worrying about it and stressing over it. I too felt helpless to do anything because I wasn't sure how much she was exaggerating or being oversensitive. I finally decided to try not to worry about it and let her figure it out. When she would complain that someone was mean I would say "Is that how a friend should treat another friend? I don't think she's really a good friend-you should try to just play with girls that treat you nicely". It took a long time, but she finally got it! I hope your daughter does too.

Talk with the teacher and ask if the recess teacher notices any of these issues on the playground. Sometimes a little one sees the situation differently than they express it at home.

Encourage your daughter's friendships with the "nice" girls by having them over to play. That might be enough to strengthen those friendships and move your daughter away from the others. I started a book club with my daughter's friends and that really helped...maybe you could have a mommy-daughter book club that gets the kids excited about reading and the friendships develop from there.

Good luck, I know how hard this can be!

If there is Bullying happening... you NEED to tell the Teacher.

ALL of my daughter's Teachers, from Preschool to Kinder, to 1st Grade to 2nd grade and now 3rd Grade, they ALL address it and they address the ENTIRE class.... about how this is not tolerated. AND the offending kid(s) who are Bullying, are reported to the Principal.

You need to also be an example for your child... to show her how problems/bullying are dealt with and how to speak up etc.

My daughter had been bullied. I reported it to the Teacher and school. My Husband and daughter, actually told me they were proud of me... for stopping it and reporting it.
My Daughter... learned by all this, by 'seeing' me deal with it and take care of it, and I talked to her about it too.

So, that is my spiel about the bullying.

I agree, talk to her teacher asap about your concerns. I think she is too young to deal with it on her own. She needs your help.

If you haven't already you need to talk to the teacher about it. Get the whole lowdown of what happens...right now you are only hearing one side. Also talk to anyone else who may see them together.

Talk to the guidance counselor about getting the girls together to talk. Ours will invite kids who are having trouble getting along into her office for lunch and to discuss things. Yours should at the very least sit down with all girls to discuss.
If it were me I would request my child to not be placed with them next year.

I feel your pain!!! I went through this with my daughter from 4th grade until high school. I think the best thing you can do is to continue talking to her. Try not to question her reasons for wanting to still be friends with them, maybe ask her the questions that will help her to see things for herself. She is young and of course wants to play with the popular girls (most times but not all times the mean girls are the most popular girls unfortunately!!!) In my daughters case she was the popular girl who the mean girls became jealous of did everything in their power to make her life hell. She was smart, kind, cheerleading captain, you get the picture!!! And I was the team mom, class mom, and very involved, BIG MISTAKE!! I thought I was doing all the right things by being an involved mom, now to look back in my case it was not a good mix!! This was a long time ago before anti-bullying laws were in effect so you do have laws now to protect your daughter. Go to her teacher first and ask what she is seeing, also see if you can speak with lunch monitors to get their input. When your daughter mentions them ask her questions like how do they make you feel?? Do you feel that way when you play with other girls??? Maybe it will help her to realize and express her emotions, and put things together it will help her realize on her own. Also, give her the permission to defend herself, and empower her. I know it isn't the advise we want to give but unfortunately sometimes kindness is mistaken for weakness. My daughter would not defend herself, she would be pushed in the hallways, harassed all throughout the day. I feel if she defended herself they would have left her alone and moved on. Some children, like my daughter just don't have it in them to confront, and she is very young to do that but you can teach her that she DOESN'T have to be friends with everyone!!! If they are mean to her then avoid them. Try to have play dates with other girls in the class so she can foster other friendships. This breaks my heart because it is happening younger and younger it seems. I own a preschool and I am dealing with it with three year olds!!! And trust me I have NO tolerance for it. One other bit of advise DO NOT go to the mothers it will only backfire. When I was young a million years ago if someone came to your mom claiming you did something wrong you were in deep trouble, was made to apologize unfortunately not always the case today trust me.. Not many parents make their kids accountable for their behavior and that is half of the problem, NOT MY KID!!!! Just keep talking to her and being supportive. I did and my daughter survived. She just graduated college and is a strong, independent, beautiful young woman (if I do say so myself lol) I had a dear friend who was a counselor and she told me that the support my husband and I gave to my daughter during this horrible time is what got her through it all, and trust me it was bad. Things happening to children to that degree can lead to suicide and that was my biggest fear. Fortunately, my daughter faired it well, much better then me and it sounds like your daughter will as well. As a mom we never want to see our children hurt, especially when we work so hard at raising them to be polite, and kind. I sometimes felt that I didn't teach her how to defend herself, but I know I did give her the support and encouragement to get her through and you will too. Good luck!!

Keep talking to her about it, exploring what kinds of behaviour are alright, what is not and where a person might need to draw the line. Talk about what the mean girls motivation might be and how hurtful it can be.

Ultimately though you can't make these decisions for her, you can only encourage her to avoid the drama and hang out with those kids who make her feel happy. It's very hard to watch, as I know from experience. But eventually my daughter decided to terminate those friendships that were not good for her.

Wow, I can understand this! My little 4 year old had the same issue in preschool. (Can you believe it begins so young?) I think you should discuss it with your daughter in an adult way. Tell her the truth: That there are people in life who don't care about you or if you are a good person, they don't care about your good qualities. BUT that it is up to her to find people who DO care about her and her feelings, people who want to spend time with her and these are the people that she should surround herself with.

You could give examples (family or your own personal friends) Also, if you have one, you could give an example of this same situation that you are someone you know may have dealt with.

I told my daughter that there were people who didn't want to get to know her, that she had a lot to offer, she was fun to play with and read with and that she needed to be with people who felt the same way about her.

Sometimes, honesty (no matter the age) is the best way to deal with it.
YOU ARE A GREAT MOM! That's why you are here seeking advice! We ALL need it!

I can see my child having this issue... but she tends to want to follow the 2+ years older girls - those who find her too young to play with and annoying for trying.

I'm gonna keep a look out on your answers here, because I"ll be needing them too.

I worked in two first grade classrooms for three years and saw this kind of thing all the time. The "mean" girls are probably the "popular" ones and that's why your daughter wants so badly to be with them. Yep, it starts that early! Even if they don't have the word popular in their vocabulary, or fully understand what it means, there are just girls who are naturally this way. It's usually a combination of looks and confidence, and the rest of the girls look up to it. Then the "popular" girls feel even more empowered. This cycle escalates through elementary school and by middle school things can get really ugly :(
Try to set up a few play dates with some of the nicer girls in the class. Have your daughter try sports or dance or Girl Scouts as a way to make friends outside the rigid school/playground setting.
I love love love my daughters, but if I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have been nearly as excited when the doctors announced "it's a girl!"

A close friend of mine told me a story of two different moms who had daughters that were allegedly bullied. One mom took her kid off school and started home schooling her. The other took her kid to the guidance counselor to work on ways for her to deal with the situation.

We can talk about having the girls talk it out but the truth of the matter is that you can not eliminate every rude/mean person that comes our child's way. I believe that working with your child deal with the situation and giving her tools to combat them short of violence is healthy and prepares him/her to become a well adjusted adult.

Every child is different what works for one may not work for another. My 1st born is quite sensitive. Used to hate getting teased. I keep telling that she needs to be a duck and let all the teasing roll off her back like water. My dd is lucky in that she has a cousin who is so nonchalant about people's comments. So I get to site him as an example to her all the time. My nephew just turned ten but for as long as I can remember he had always been comfortable in his own skin. If someone calls him gay, he sticks his little butt out bend his wrist and say " Yes I am." He acknowledges that he is short but is fine with it. He is the type of kid who is able to laugh at himself. I am glad to say that he has rub off on my dd. She had a pair of shorts under her skirt that were apparently a tad too big. They literally fell to her ankles while in line at school. The kids laughed and so did my kid. My dd is 6 and in 1st grade.

As far as your dd has she verbalized why she wants to hang out with these girls in particular? It maybe just her perspective that is overplaying the situation. Regardless, her feelings can still be real. Maybe you can make her understand that kids just don't like to play with some kids all the time. Even Mommies hang out with different grown ups at different times.

How about a play date with one or two of the nicer girls?

Thanks for sharing. I can also totally relate. It is definitely a delicate situation. I support all the responses that really encourage you to constantly communicate with your daughter. Try to remember to listen more than advise. Having a safe place to really share your feelings is an important part of developing emotional strength. It is sad that this is happening to our girls at such a young age but this has always been there. My daughter is also 5 and I believe I started noticing this when she was 3 and in preschool. She is very smart, affectionate, helpful and friendly. Teachers love her, but.... often I think some little girls are really jealous. It shocked me to see this at such young ages. I also had to realize how clueless my daughter seemed to be at "staying away" from girls that were being mean to her.

I am always talking to her about recognizing the signs that other children are not reciprocating her friendship. Everyone will not be filled with the same love and good will that we expect her to demonstrate.

My husband and I have increased her involvement in sports and music as she can be a bit of a book worm. We want to make sure she is mentally and physically strong. This also increases the pool of possible playmates.

As a Mom, though, it is tough to see her hurt. I know it is a part of life. Don't feel like a "horrible Mom", you are aware and searching for answers. That's the definition of a loving Mom!
Best of luck to you, I am sending you prayers and "Mommy strength". Us Mom's of the "nice girls" have to support one another so our daughters will have real playmates.

My daughter is the same way. She is 5 and she tends to be more of a follower. She has one friend that when they are together that are great friends, but when around other girls, she is very rude and nasty to my daughter. I don't get involved though. I explain that if someone is being mean, than she should go find someone else to play with. Remind her that her firend is not being nice and that she should not treat others that way because it hurts peoples feelings.

I would tell you to be careful with how you handle this. You mentioned that the other girls are bullying her, I find bullying hard to beleive. More likely they are being caddy girls which unfortunately starts at a very young age.

Good luck with this one, I know it't tough to see our little ones hurt, but it is a part of life and it best to teach them that now. Life is not always roses!