Teaching Responsibility? - Kenosha,WI

I have learned with my own children that responsibility means learning self-accountability. If we are constantly reminding them then we are holding them accountable instead. Most of the things that we are constantly reminding our children about have natural consequences. If they don't, then we can simply create appropriate consequences and then let go of our attachment to whether the child has to deal with those consequences. Too often as parents we are robbing our children of responsibility and consequences.

In Parent Effectiveness Training, they teach a concept about 'who owns the problem'. Too often we take on something that really isn't ours to take on. We have to be careful as parents to be curious as to whether the issue actually has consequences for us or they are really just about the child. For instance, with small children, if a child isn't getting dressed on time who owns the problem. Well, if the parent is attached to the child being dressed a particular way then that could cause the parent to be late for work. However, if the parent lets go of this and simply takes the child to school in their pjs then the child has all the consequence and will learn very quickly what they need to do.

I think we don't, as parents, give our children enough credit for their innate ability to solve problems and understand how to change behaviors to change the effects in their lives. Our children are usually highly creative and intelligent and more than capable of solving whatever shows up for them. Even with the teeth thing, I know that my children have become much better at caring for their teeth after they each had a cavity filled. Natural consequence.

Something else to keep in mind is that clearly reminding over and over isn't working. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Instead create consequences, some of those consequences will be rewards like allowance or praise and some will be 'negative' such as having things taken away or not being able to go do things they want to do.

Don't feel bad. I still remind my college son to wear his retainer when I call on the phone... he hates that.

Dawn

The book Parenting with Love and Logic has good suggestions on this. Since reading it I switched from "Do your homework now. Practice your instrument now." to "How are you planning getting that homework done? When are you planning to practice your instrument. How is that sock going to make it to the laundry basket?" I wouldn't say it's solved all of life's problems, but it's definitely helped.

Mira

My GD was driving me crazy. Everywhere she went, she left something! I got so tired of telling her to pick up things, that I have put a new rule in place. If I have to tell her to take something of hers that she left in the living room to her room, then she has to stay in her room with the item. I tell her 'if you're in your room, you will only leave your stuff in your room.' She's had to go to her room and stay a couple of times but it's working because now after she leaves a room, she'll run back in and take a second glance to be sure she didn't leave anything out.

Your kids are much older. I would just sit them down and say you know what you're supposed to do; you're old enough to do it without being told. From now on, you have until x time to get your homework and chores done. If they are not done, then you go to bed at x time.

Then, no warnings. Day one, do what you say. They will only have to go to bed at x time once or twice before they catch on.

I really think they are too old for notes to be posted or time cards or chore lists or whatever. Those are for younger ones just learning that they have chores to do. Your kids are old enough and should have been doing this enough that they don't need a reminder. The reason they don't just do it now without being told is because they KNOW you will tell them if you really want it done and if you don't, then they don't have to do anything and there really aren't any consequences.

Good luck!

make a list of their responsibilities.

it's up to them to complete the list.

In our home - they have chores. They MUST check the list off in order to get their allowance (sort of like submitting a time card). They are 9 & 11. They know if they don't submit the list - they don't get paid. It's that simple.

They are responsible for helping around the house. They don't get to come home and flip on the TV. They get 15 minutes to wind down and get a snack. Then it's homework.

I was wondering the same thing the other night. And then my 4 year old came down for kisses and his teeth were already brushed :). I think it's a matter of making it routine and making sure they know their jobs.

My kids have things they are responsible for and I don't like when I have to always tell them - they know this. Sometimes I just have to look at them and they'll go "Shoot, I forgot to hang my coat up."

Sit your kiddo's down and let them know what your jobs are and what their jobs are. It takes an army to run a household, and they have to help. If that means they take care of their own things, that's what it is :).

a checklist (maybe on a white-board, or laminated) so that they can checkmark when each item is done? Get the list organized (morning, afterschool, before bed) and keep the list in a centralized area (the fridge?) and refer to it often at first. "Check your list before we leave for school" and "Check your list before you go to bed." You may be a parrot with it at first, but hopefully they'll get into the groove of things.