Teaching a 4 Year Old and My Marriage...

He is going to destroy her drive to learn and study. This is really problematic and he needs to stop ASAP. She is going to hate learning for years to come. I would not let this go until he sees the light. Is he usually this unreasonable or just in this circumstance? I would seek professional help.

what is he "teaching" her? and why on earth is she getting an exam for kindergarten? is this some sort of private prep school? At kindergarten she doesn't need to be prepped. The only thing they have to know is there name. If she knows her colors and can count to 10 she is ahead of the game. Tell him to back off. She will learn what she needs to know in school. They will send home what they feel is appropriate "homework" for her. and at that age it will be stuff like color in the ball, trace the letters etc. at least to start. they do start learning to read in kindergarten now but if he pushes it then he will completely destroy her love of learning and once lost it is really hard to get back. the only thing he should be doing right now is reading to her and maybe giving her things like maze books at dot to dot books which help with learning to write. maybe you could call the school and say "what exactly should we be working on with her. and go from there.

A whole hour of review, every other day, at 4? How much prep does a kid need for kindergarten? Forgive the nerd in me, but learning is supposed to be fun, not traumatic.

That's what 4 year old's do, they play around. Yes, as parents we teach our children certain things. We nurture, read stories, play, keep safe and most of all LOVE. Dad needs to stop and leave the school teaching to the teachers....he can help with homework (although, I can't believe there will be homework for a four year old). In other words, your husband is out of line.

Why would we call you irrational? Your daughter is FOUR. She's not supposed to be doing homework.

You need to talk to your ped and ask him or her who to talk in order to get your husband some counseling about this. If you don't, he's going to make her hate school and torpedo everything that he wants for her.

Not to mention hurting your marriage.

Get cracking, mom!

Dawn

Having an exam to start kindergarten sounds pretty crazy to me, unless it's just to assess what they know already. I don't understand why your husband feels the need to formally "teach" her at this age. She would be better off going to a high-quality preschool program, learning by playing and interacting/socializing with other kids, and then having dad do more fun bonding-type activities, like reading bedtime stories and playing board games. Spend a day at the zoo or take a trip to a museum or check out some books at the library or visit the playground. Those will help her way more than drilling her and expecting her to respond like she's 10. Good grief, poor kid - I would just step in, stand up to him, and tell him enough is enough - he is ruining his relationship with her, negatively effecting her self-esteem, and probably setting her up to hate school. What does he think happens in preschool and kindergarten these days anyway? Yes, they learn alphabet letters and counting, reading and writing and math concepts - but they also practice cutting with scissors, gluing, doing craft projects, playing games, playing with play-doh, painting pictures, etc. Doesn't he realize that at this age, kids learn best through playing? My daughter is in kindergarten now, and while she does get homework, she has the whole week to complete it, and usually gets it done in 20 minutes or less - she doesn't need an hour a day to retain what she is learning in class.

For your daughter's sake, tell your husband to lay the hell off and lighten up. This isn't prepping for the SATs and trying to get into Harvard, for Pete's sake. All this pressure he is putting on her is going to backfire and blow up in his face.

Maybe New York is different, but since when is there an exam to get into kindergarten? We just registered and my son started. No exam. Now if there is some special program, like gifted and talented or something that uses a test to figure out where the kid belongs, then that's a whole other story. And if your kid is not gifted and talented already, drilling them and teaching them extra isn't going to change that.

Call the school and get the facts on this. Then go to hubby with the facts and get him to back off. Let your mama bear kick butt. Discipline is NOT yelling and stuff, it's teaching life skills. And not drilling, but modeling. He needs to stop drilling her and just read books to her, and talk to her about the world.

If this is affecting your marriage in some way, I would say there is more going on with that. It's not just this issue, but this issue is triggering something. Counseling may be a good idea. If he won't then do it for yourself.

I would be traumatized if I was 4 and my parents made me do homework and study for an exam.

All the evidence shows that play based education works the best for the first 7 years of life.

Please just play with your child, and read to her.

It may be helpful to have someone with some authority and knowlege about children explain to your husband what is realistic to expect of a four year-old. Maybe your pediatrician?

It is going to be a long haul if this is how he treats her schooling for the duration. She is going to hate school, and may end up with a diminished relationship with her daddy, and who could blame her?

He needs a reality check and to have his expectations adjusted. Now.

Exam? Are you trying to get her into an exclusive school?
The kindergarten readiness assessment at most schools is not that difficult. Simply engaging and playing with your daughter is enough.

I remember my father trying to teach me math with flashcards.. also when I was 4. He had read about some children that could add.

I could not. i could not even recognize the numbers. I knew my name started with an "L". I could count to 10. I could count items if they were in front of me.

he would get so upset that i just could not learn to even read numbers, much less add them. He would yell, become frustrated.. It was scary to me..

Your daughter is going to kindergarten to learn her numbers, letters, social skills. etc.. That is what school is for.

Teachers are trained to teach.

The best way for your child to prepare her for kindergarten is to play and to be read to.

Your husband should spend at least an hour each day playing with your child. With blocks, dolls, playdo, little cars, coloring (not in the lines), dress up, pretend, swinging, jumping..

Take her to story time at the library, at a book store, so that she can learn to sit and listen..

She should know her basic colors.

She should know the letters of her first name.. maybe even be able to write her name.. not perfect..

Be able to count to 20 or above..

Draw a human face (not perfect) but put 2 eyes a nose etc..

Potty by herself.

be able to wash her own hands.

She should be able to be given 3 instructions and complete them.
Example. "Honey, we are going to the store, please help me find my car keys, get us each a bottle of water and put on your jacket..
Thank you, so much, you are a great help. "

Make her your helper, so she gets used to following directions. Thank her and always use please so that she will also use these manners.

These are the things she will need to know and be able to do.. anything else will be extra..

She should know how to count to maybe 50, know her shapes, color a simple pictures and cut something with scissors.
What a jerk!
(Sorry--but he's being a jerk.)

Please post an addition to explain to us why any child needs an exam to enter kindergarten. This is not something most of us have any experience with. Are you sending her to some intense private school, or trying to get her into some charter public school? It seems highly unusual to have any form of exam for a child this young.

Your husband should stop "teaching" her. Now. Period. He does not know what he's doing and unless he has a background in early childhood education, he is doing FAR more harm than good. He is making her fear and dislike the ideas of "teaching," "learning" and "homework" -- those are becoming red-flag words in her mind that upset her. She will then be upset and resistant when she actually does enter school.

Is she in any form of preschool? That is where she can be taught, by people who know what they're doing and what kids her age should be learning.

What is he teaching her? Is he using any materials or just winging it and doing whatever he thinks is best? Does he have any specific curriculum he's using that builds each new topic on the foundation of the last one? Or is he just forcing her to march through ABCs and 123s and pulling stuff offline with no knowledge of whether it's age-appropriate for her?

Kids this age still learn hands-on and with experience and play -- rote learning and worksheets will turn her off school for years to come.

Please let us know more about what is going on here, this so-called exam and why he is spending an hour a night in order to end up with a crying child who now says -- before she has even begun school -- "I don't like homework"!

If you must, get an outsider to tell him that this has to stop. It sounds as if he will not listen to you and does not have any regard for her limitations as a young child. I think he needs a third party -- a real teacher or another dad he respects -- to tell him to cut this out now and why he is doing harm and not good.

If you both are so wrapped up in getting her into some particular program that you are doing this "teaching" -- please reconsider that program. I cannot imagine any school that really puts kids through a kindergarten entrance exam. You're stressing out your child and making her resent daddy and hate school already.

What kind of "exam" does a 4 year old have to take?

This is ridiculous. If your husband is going to yell at your baby, then tell him he can't teach her any more. Don't argue with him, or try to convince him that you are right. He will harm her and her future schooling if he keeps this up.

Next time he yells at her, let your mama bear come out. Go in there and either kick him out or take her away. Tell him in no uncertain terms that the next time he yells at her while "teaching" her, he will never be allowed to "teach" her again.

Seriously -- what he is doing is harmful. Stop him.

And what kind of kindergarten gives a 4 year old a freakin' "exam" that she has to stress out over for weeks? None that I would want my child going to, that's for sure.

Five-year-olds just go to Kindergarten. There is no entrance exam. They might test your child to see what they know, but it's nothing you have to prepare heavily for. And there is no way a four-year-old can sit for an hour every other day to learn stuff. That's way beyond her attention span. And your husband is yelling at her? Wow. Seriously not good.

She'll need to know her colors, numbers, letters and how to write her name..... What the heck else is your husband trying to teach her? It sounds like he is setting her up to hate school... if he keeps this up.

She needs to be read to and talked to and you need to play games with her and love on her. Four is too young to be under that kind of pressure.

insane, imo.

however. you need to stand up to him and put your foot down on this one. 4 year olds can focus for about, as Cheerful M says, 4 minutes. fact. google it and show him. print it and tape it to his forehead if necessary. another thing you can do is if you have any gradeschool teacher friends or family, ask them, in front of him, how long a 4 year old should be expected to sit still in a classroom setting.

find some way to get through to him - or, imo, raise holy hell till he gets sick of your nagging and just stops harrassing her. you're not being IRRATIONAL at all. you're being LOGICAL and a MOM. when both of those things come together, it's a beautiful thing. something is wrong, someone is not treating your child fairly or rightly. your instincts are RIGHT. trust them. it sounds to me like he bullies you, just like bullies her, and has you convinced you're crazy. YOU'RE NOT. (and for the record, it also sounds like HE has some major control/performance issues - NO ONE in their right mind would expect a 4 year old to be put through this torture in order to go to kindergarten. it's kindergarten. they go. that's how it works. she does NOT have to be einstein to be "accepted" - i bet if this has gone on for more than a few weeks - she probably already knows all she needs to even worry about .)

now you just have to fix the situation. good luck!

All he's teaching her is that learning is a painful, no fun experience! PLEASE make him read all of these responses. He needs to stop or he is risking ruining her educational life, probably forever. You are not irrational AT ALL, your husband is. I have NEVER heard of a parent doing such a thing. Breaks my heart.

Since when is there an entrance exam for kindergarten?

Teaching your 4 year old what? I'm totally confused. I agree with the previous post about children learning through play. Why o why is she taking an exam? It would be helpful to clarify.

This is odd! How many dads want to schedule a structured teaching time for a four-year-old to begin with? I mean I guess he has good intentions, it's just not really necessary at that age and he is risking destroying her love of learning by being angry at her.

There is so much information out there verifying that learning needs to be stress-free and even play-based up until kindergarten (or later in some countries) so kids don't burn out. Most basic academic skills are learned MUCH more quickly and easily when children are developmentally "older". It's great to have an early scholastic wiz, but meaningless in the long run-and he should not be yelling at her if he wants her to love and thrive in her school work going forward. And I'm no slacker, I homeschool and my first grader is in a very dense and advanced curriculum now compared to the average classroom, but at four? I didn't push anything aside form her 20 minutes or so per day at piano, and lots of reading, playing and talking to her as we did daily tasks and activities together.

So yes, your concern is valid on that You need to take into account how your husband communicates best, don't attack him, and get him to understand he needs to switch to a more positive learning style at this age-even though you LOVE his passion for her education etc...

As for him saying you never discipline her....only you can say if that's really true or not. If her behavior is great and you DO discipline her very well, then simply "pretend" to try harder as your half of the bargain for his agreement to tone down the "teaching". And if you CAN step up your discipline a bit, then again, use it as a bargaining chip to get him to meet you half-way and remove the anger form her lessons.

What is he working on with her?

There are lots of games to help kids learn that are fun! Candyland and Chutes and Ladders are great ones. Hi Ho Cherry O is fun, too.

There are also Jr. Versions of so many "big kid" games, like Boggle Jr.

Maybe he could look on some teacher web sites and get some ideas that way. Even in school kids that age aren't expected to sit that long. That is why so many young kids come home and tell their parents that all they did in school was "play" because they are having fun while they learn.

I also want to say that you sound alot like me. My DH often feels I let my son get away with too much, but I feel I am just more patient. He DOES listen to me, but I think sometimes men feel they are disciplining unless they are being very stern and "lay down the law". :)

The reason why Sesame Street always worked so well to teach children is because each lesson is only a snipit about the length of a typical TV commercial, then on to a new subject, then repeated. Kids focus on commercials because it is a program, it has a beginning a middle and an end and they are normally only 1 minute or less, just the right length to hold their attention.
I would talk to him about getting a computer game that teaches basic concepts. I found some for my granddaughter at Best Buy for around $10 that teach color, shape, numbers, ect. Another way to do this is to make everyday life a learning experience. Things like your sandwich is on a blue plate which is round, your juice is in a red cup. Pick up a few inexpensive dishes for her in different shapes and colors, when you are outside discuss what you see around you. The white snow and it's cold and the sound is crunchy, the yellow arches and red sign at McDonalds ect. Pick a couple of letters and numbers a day and see how many you can find on signs, license plates, mailboxes
By doing it this way she doesn't understand that she is being taught colors, shapes, letters, numbers ect. If it is a game it is fun.

That's kind of crazy. My son would have never stood for this at 4. He's 6 now and in Kindergarten. He gets super-easy "homework" twice a week (takes him about 10 minutes to complete) and is completely learning at his level.

What you don't want to do is make your daughter hate school before she even gets there. Is she in some kind of Pre-K program now?

Your husband's time would be better spent reading to her before bedtime. I started reading advanced chapter books when my son was your daughter's age. He loves them and I think it has really served his reading skills and story comprehension well. Usually I read about 20 minutes, but I can get close to an hour if the story is really good! :)

you need to figure out a way to get him to lighten up or your daughter is going to hate school before she even goes! .. see if he can teach her in a different way, dont yell at him, work with him on ways to get her to pay attention.. tell him maybe she is bored and needs more fun ways to learn what hes tryingto teach

Which exam are you referring to? Is your daughter enrolled in an extremely exclusive kindergarten with ridiculous standards for 4 year olds, or are you talking about a kindergarten readiness program?

No matter the case, your husband is becoming a huge stumbling block for your daughter's education and harming his relationship with her in the process. He needs to back off immediately, but it sounds like he is quite arrogant and controlling. I hope you can talk some sense into him or find someone who can. I am sorry that your daughter is in this situation. Your maternal instincts are great, by the way! You are a good mama for being worried about this!

We sing abcs and 123 s in the car with our 4year old. I just recently realized that she knows this all verbally and can not pick them all out by sight. So, I told her we were going to "play school" we bought flash cards and alphabet puzzle games and dug al, tge abc books out. I really can't hold her attention long-but assume if we do this frequently she will polish her skills.
Perhaps you can suggest to your husband that you take charge one night and show him how much more engaged she is when it's light and fun.
We all want our kids to do their best-sometimes so much that we don't do our best showing them.

Kids that age learn through play. Yes, you can teach them but you need to make it fun (singing, drawing, being read to, watching a video, playing). And not that they can't have an hour of teaching but it should not be all at one time 15 minutes at a time tops.

Are you home with her during the day where you could do the "teaching" and maybe only allow him to do his structured teaching for 10 minutes in the evenings? If not, can he take over dinner clean up while you work w/ your daughter?

Is your daughter behind in some way or his just reenforcing what she already knows?

Talk to your hubby (when daughter is not around) and work this out.

I agree with you. She is only 4 years old. An hour is a VERY long time for her to sit and listen. Why is he doing this anyway? I wouldn't worry about an entrance exam for kindergarten. As long as she knows her shapes, numbers and colors I think she will be fine. They don't expect 4 year old to know more than that before K. I would have him stop doing this teaching lesson and just play with her. Kids learn more through playing than they do being forced to sit and listen. My kids never got homework in K. Also the more he pushes her like that and tries to make her do this homework stuff, the more she is going to hate school later on and she won't do as well because she will not like it. Learning needs to be fun!

Go visit some preschools and let him hear from them the effective ways to teach a 4 yr old. Go observe some classes for 4 yr olds.

Also, have him discuss with your pediatrician ways to teach a 4 yr old and how a 4 yr old acts.

Your husband's only experience with 4 yr olds is with his own. Once he sees how normal your daughter is, and once he sees that how he demanding he is and how poorly he is treating her, he will see how ridiculous he is being. He needs to understand how he treats her at home will have consequences when she has to be under someone else's authority. Is he willing to hear from her K teachers (because she will have more than 1 - main/homeroom, music, PE, etc etc) that she cowers and cries every time she is asked to do something and take their advice on how to deal with it?

Save him some embarrassment. Give your daughter a chance. Go expand his horizons and observe other 4 yr olds in a classroom setting over a period of time.

It has been proven that kids retain more when they learn through play time. If he isn't having any fun and getting angry, I can't imagine how your daughter feels.
There are games like Connect-4, Candy Land, Trouble that help kids learn.
Go Fish and Memory teach them matching and memory.
Hangman with Pictures teaches spelling
Bingo teaches memory and matching
Building blocks teaches spacial and patterns.

I too don't understand why she is studying for a test now. The next school term is 8 months away, and here, kids automatically go to K if their birthday is before Oct. 1. Many kids have not had anyone work with them, sadly, before their first day of K.

Hm. This is interesting. As far as I know you don't need to prepare your child like this for Kindergarten...you don't need to study and do homework. Just reading to her each day, pointing out letters each day, and practicing counting while you do daily activities would be enough. Make it fun. Just during the course of a normal day. But having study time at home is totally unnecessary. Those are the things I did with my son when he was 3 and 4 and in Kindergarten he was actually ahead of most kids. This study time is stressing your poor daughter out and your husband obviously is not good at it. He is going to maker her afraid of school and hating to learn before she even goes! Kindergarten is where she will really learn her letters, numbers, and the start of reading. She is too young to worry with studying yet! I say leave her alone and try to keep things positive.

An exam? For kindergarten? What????

If you want to prepare your daughter for a highly academic grade school, then enroll her in a Montessori preschool. The Montessori method helps children develop extraordinary powers of concentration and pre-academic knowledge, but in a way that's appropriate to their stage of neurological development. Cram sessions, like the ones your husband is giving your daughter, WILL NOT WORK.

It's wonderful that your husband is so committed to your daughter's education, but it does sound like he's in need of some education himself.

Let your husband know that your 4-year old has an attention span of 4 minutes. Usually it's one minute per year of age, so she can probably focus on one thing for about 4 minutes.

If it's past 4 minutes, then he should expect that she's not going to be listening or trying anymore.

At the same token, you daughter needs to know when it's playtime and when it's time to pay attention and learn. This will be good for school.

I suggest you set a timer for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, your daughter should be done with lesson time. Let her play. If need be, repeat the 5 minute lessons later. At 4 years old, her lessons shouldn't last longer than 30 minutes for the entire day!

We homeschool, and this is how it's done. If your husband is attempting to teach her, then he is homeschooling. He needs to lower his expectations. He needs to offer rewards/incentives. He needs to make it fun.

It's very frustrating to teach a person who doesn't want to learn, and really 4-year olds don't really want to learn! So it needs to be FUN for both your husband and your daughter. What's wrong with playing games? Everything should be a game at that age! She shouldn't even know she's learning. She should attempt to stay on task for at least 5 minutes, and that you can both remind her of. But when she does this, then she needs to be rewarded. A timer helps both the parent and the child. It helps the child learn to stay on task, and it helps the parent to know when to realistically stop attempting to teach.

Good luck! Remind your husband--4 minute attention span, no longer than 5 minutes per task!

Really? An exam for kindergarten?

Your DH sounds like mine. The thing is, it's really a cultural thing with my DH. (Go to Youtube and watch "Crazy Asain Mother by Erik Liang" and you will understand what I am saying....It's not easy being Asain.) Doesn't make it right, but it does mean there really isn't a way to change someone like that. You might want to look up NPD. (Narcistic Personality Disorder) The only thing you can do without a major blow up between you and your DH is to try to "beat him at his own game." The problem is that your DH is probably trying to go above and beyond what is required for a child to know to start kindergarten. This means you have to know what he expects, so find a way to talk to him when he's calm and tell him you are interested in helping out with educating "our daughter." Once you find out, then take any opportunity you have without DH around and teach your child in a fun manner. Get creative, sing, play games, etc. Look up free tools/video games on the internet to help speed the process along. You have to get the information into her faster than he can so when he quizes her at night, she's ready. I don't know how many times my son and I sang the alphabet song standing in line at cash registers with people staring and smiling at us. (You can't be embarrassed in public...just use every resource you can.) I still remember the free online math video game he used to play to learn how to count and add. I still see those sheep jumping over the fence and him have to quickly do the math before the person woke up. Have her count the items in your grocery cart, tell you the colors of the fruits and vegetables in the produce department, point out letters and words while you read her a bedtime story, play card games with her, color together and announce the crazy color you're planning to color the puppy in the coloring book or have her pick out the colors and tell you what they are, etc. (Make sure you both have your own coloring book...My DS never liked the colors I picked out, but loved to laugh at me.) Once DH sees DD can answer his questions without hesitation, he will back off a little.

What is he teaching her? That school stinks, homework is aweful and it is al no fun! That is setting her up for problems in the future! What is he really teaching her? The ABC's, 123's, reading, writing, arithmetic? She will learn that in Kindergaten. Teach her to tie her shoes, wipe her own nose (and bottom), zip up her own jacket thats things she should know going into Kindergarten. Tell him to take a chill pill, make learning fun like I spy something RED! When she says the right answer praise her and keep playing. Learning IS fun if done right but he is going to make her hate it even before she starts 13 years of school! sIT DOWN WITH HIM WHEN SHE IS NOT AROUND (OR AT LEAST CAN'T HEAR) and see what he is so worried about. Obviously he is concerned over something but is handling it wrong.

I feel for your daughter. I had a horrible time with math when I was a kid and I still vividly remember my dad getting frustrated and raising his voice at me. I was so frightened, I couldn't hardly move, let alone think. And I really don't know why it was so traumatizing because my dad never raised a hand to us, but he also never raised his voice so when he did, it was scary!

I don't know what sort of "exam" you are preparing her for, but I submit it's not that big of a deal. She's only 4 and really shouldn't be expected to know much if anything. All this stress over a 4 year old kindergarten exam is going to stick with her and she's going to be a stressful, emotional mess by the time she's in first grade! Talk about school anxiety!

Tell dad to back off. And if he won't, when you hear the voice raising, go in and tell him it's time for you to take over. You will probably find that she does know a lot of what he's trying to "teach" her; she's just too scared to do anything, including think!