Teachers: When Do Parents Hover Too Much in Your Opinion?

All the teachers my children have had the priveledge of having have been taught by have all been wonderful. I think too much is expected from the teachers. I love my kids school and the teachers are terrific.

Good Morning,

I have been teaching for 11 years, grades from 6th to seniors. Here is how I would respond to your questions.

1. A helicopter parent is one who hovers. They are the ones who continually check grades (obsessively), e-mail at a moments notice when there is a blank spot (even though I may just have not updated grades yet, holding on to them for any multitude of reasons, too many students absent for the assignment, it was a 2 part assignment and only one part is done, or waiting for my conference period to enter them all). They are also known for not letting their students do the work themselves. They are the ones whose students have perfect projects every time, even though that student might not be so perfect. They argue grades with me, even though I can clearly point out where the student had made mistakes.

2. The biggest horror story I have is while teaching an AP course I had a parent e-mail me and want me to send over PDF's of every assignment their child had done, along with my answer keys, to justify my grading. I refused to do so as I wasn't comfortable with my answer keys to be out in the world electronically. I told him he was welcome to schedule a conference to come to my room and compare his daughters assignments with my keys, but I wasn't going to send them to him. Two weeks later we had our open house, and he showed up, stood within 2 inches of my face with several other parents in the room, and pointed at me continually while saying I was "ruining his daughter's education. She has never had a grade below 100 in any course, and now she had an 88 in my class, so I was ruining her education, and her life." Finally, two other parents stepped in to get him to back away. It was awful.

3. I don't mind parents approaching me to talk to me, but if they have specific questions, I do prefer that they schedule a conference. If we are at a extra curricular activity or something of the sort, or if they see me at the grocery store, I try to keep the conversations off school topics as much as possible.

4. I have never told a parent to back off per se, but I have told parents that I was uncomfortable with the conversation and with speaking to them, and that I would prefer to speak with them with a counselor or administrator present.

:) Back to grading!

I have taught elementary school, been a Title I teacher, a gifted specialist, and now a reading specialist (all at the elementary level).

1. Helicopter parents, to me, are the parents who have to know every single thing that happens with their kids. They never let their kids fail at anything. They can never accept that their kid could have possibly done anything wrong. Anything bad that happens is someone else's fault.

It can be as over the top as a parent in our school who walks her 2nd grade son into school everyday, helps him take his coat off, hangs it in the locker for him, walks into the classroom behind him and turns in his homework for him. Or a parent of a former 2nd grade student who showed up to eat lunch with her daughter every single day and would even cut up her food for her and feed her.

Or something like the parent of a gifted student who screamed at me on the phone because I gave him a 2 out of 4 for homework on his final report card because he had several missing assignments that he had been given multiple chances to hand in. It was all my fault because I didn't call her to let her know every time he had a missing assignment. (At the time I was a part-time teacher and saw as many as 100 different students a day in two different schools and it was not humanly possible to call a parent every time someone didn't hand in an assignment. The majority of the assignments he didn't turn in were from the week he missed school for a ski trip to Colorado, and the two weeks he missed school to go to a medical convention with dad someplace in the Pacific.)

It can also be the parent who is contacting the teacher multiple times a week about anything and everything from something as simple as a paper cut to a rumor the kid heard on the playground, to a complaint about how much homework there is, to how much they think The Common Core Standards is a tool of the devil.

2. My worst horror story would probably by the parent I mentioned above who was totally hands-off all year until her son didn't get the grades she thought he should have because (in her words) he was gifted and shouldn't be getting anything less than a 4 on his report cards. (I gave him a 2 for HOMEWORK, not even anything academic.) Then it was all my fault. She let me know that she was going to go all the way to the superintendent about it and make sure that I never taught in this district again. Little did she know that she was already known in the district for her complaints and no one took her seriously. Almost five years later, I'm still teaching in the district.

3. Really, I don't ever talk about social things with parents unless I knew the parent previously from outside of school. I will make small talk with parents about the weather, or holiday/vacation plans, but that is about as far as it goes. If I see a parent in the hallway or run into them at the grocery store I'm friendly with them, but as long as they have students in the school where I teach, I do keep a professional distance. If you get too personal with parents, it is harder to keep the confidentiality lines that teachers need to keep. Related to that, I knew my daughter's 1st grade teacher for several years before my daughter was in her class (through church and having taught in the same school with her). When I see her away from parent/teacher conferences or my daughter's school events, I don't talk to her about how my daughter is doing in her class. Our conversations away from school are about our jobs in general, our families in general, and more of a social relationship.

If by social you mean family issues that might affect the student in school, I appreciate when a parent lets me know what is going on (death in the family, job loss, divorce, homelessness, etc.) but I will tell the parent that I am limited in my resources, but I can connect them with our school social worker (who is only in our building once a week for half a day!). I also let our principal know what the parent has shared because he often has resources that he can share with the parents.

4. I have never told a parent to back off. My job first and foremost is to keep the student first and I will try to avoid allowing a chasm to develop between me and the parent. If the parent and I can't work together, it is the child who suffers. Fortunately in my 15 years in elementary school classrooms, I have only had maybe three students who had parents who were over the top. There have been parents who haven't been "helicopter" parents, but they have been close to being annoying. If a parent contacts me more than I feel is necessary, I don't answer the e-mails or return phone calls until it is convenient for me. I will respond, but not the second that I get the email or message. I might even just send a quick email that simply says thanks for letting me know. We have had a couple of parents in the last couple of years who have bordered on being intrusive and abusive. Our principal has directed us to forward all correspondence from the parents to him and he deals with it. He realizes that as teachers, we have a lot on our plates and he will do what he can to solve the problems so that we can keep a positive relationship with the parents. When it comes down to it, the student comes first and teachers want to keep as positive a relationship with the parents as possible for the benefit of the kids.

I am a long term substitute and I am in the classroom pretty often. 13 yrs in the same elementary and I am treated like a part of their full time staff.

There is 1 story that still bothers me to this day. I was in first grade and there was a sweet little girl but her mom came with her to class EVERY day. Mom would stay in the room until I started class which was after the pledge, announcements, etc and then finally leave. Then at lunch she would show up again to help with lunch and then she would proceed to go outside with us for recess time. Her poor child is now in 3rd grade and her mom STILL does this. I do not know if it makes a difference but... this child also had older siblings in high school so maybe mom was having a hard time letting go of her baby. Mom is also quite older as well.

My initial impression was that the mom was uncomfortable with a substitute in the room but I spoke with the other teachers and learned that she did this daily. I know the principal did speak with her because it was hindering her daughter's growth and social life. At this point, I believe the principal made a "rule" that parents were not to be outside with the classes at recess unless there was a specific need.

Another instance I saw just last week.... 1st grade. One little boy had no lunch. Mom always brings lunch but the teachers said she is usually late and he has less then 15 minutes of the 30 minutes to eat. She showed up late as usual with Subway, moved him from his assigned table to sit with her (this is ok) and proceeded to bite off pieces of the sandwiches and feed him.

I have plenty more events but I don't want to get too lengthy. As for your other questions, I think I defined one example of helicopter parent and gave an example, I do have personal friendships with teachers and some parents but I am careful as to how much I share. Most of the children at our school live in my neighborhood and I know them this way first. No, I have not told a parent to back off but I do know it has been done at our school.

Well, I used to work in universities and believe it or not I would get parents who would call to ask about their child's application for academic programs, grades, housing assignments, whether a letter of recommendation or transcript was turned in, you name it! My favorite story though took place on 9/11. The 9/11!! I was at work in the study abroad office at Virginia Tech, in Blacksburg, VA and had a mother call me to ask whether her son who was studying in rural Switzerland was safe. Because the son had authorized my office to speak with the mother regarding any university matter, I told the mother that I knew her son had arrived at the study site a few days prior and had not had contact with him since. (Very, very normal!). She then screamed at me to turn on the TV because didn't I know that airplanes were hitting buildings. I saw the 2nd one live on the Today Show while speaking to the mother. My response to her hysteria (keep in mind, the mother was near Richmond, VA so not near NY either) was that since her son wasn't in NYC he was likely okay but I would try to get a message to her son to "check in" with mom.

Although I understand the hysteria that surrounded that day, we definitely thought that mom was a major "helicopter". We contacted all students from VT who were overseas and asked them to do a "welfare check" with their families and our office. Although I can't tell you about their checks with their families, we had everyone accounted for in about 30 hours. Not bad, considering the remote locations worldwide that we had students.

Yes, I told parents to back off all the time - but what I said was that under FERPA, I could not talk to them and that perhaps they should discuss the issue with their student.

Cheers,
C.

School is a job for our children! Why do parents feel the need to be there. If you raised them, then let them fly. Let them have some independence. Would you want someone going to work with you?

OMG, I was just talking about this.

My son is in first grade and we (parents) take them to the classroom. He and the other kids were told next year (second grade) the parents can not take you into the classroom. So I do know we are a little annoying, yet it is tough since in K and 1st we need to drop them off in the room then in 2nd and above they can get out of the car and walk to the room (no parent needed or wanted by the teachers).

I have heard the parents who do NOT make an appointment and start talking to the teacher after school is quite rude. Other parents schedule appointments and some parents do not think the teacher's time is valuable.

One teacher told me a dad who may have been a gang member would hang out in the 3rd grade (all hung-over w/ sunglasses) with his son. Not exactly helicopter as most would imagine.

I'm not a teacher but if I may share this.

My school district has worked on reducing the "helicopter" parent by not allowing the parents inside the building when dropping off the kids. Once you walk that kid to the door, the staff stops you right there. Recently, the cancelled parents being allowed to come and have lunch with their kids. I didn't even know parents did that so imagine my surprise when I got the "robo call" announcing this cancellation.

I teach middle school so parents sometimes struggle with what their role is. Their kids don't want them as involved anymore.

Helicopter parents are those who email or call constantly about some issue, minor or not. They never allow their kids to take their lumps. They drop everything to retrieve forgotten homework/projects instead of letting the kid suffer the consequences. They expect teachers to cater to every whim and quirk of their kid, not realizing that their kid is one of 150 we see each day (at the middle and high school, we get btw 150-160 kids). They also write notes asking for extensions for their child's work and think that just because it's coming from them, you'll honor it.

I have lots of horror stories, but my biggest one was a single mom who treated her son like he was the king of the universe. He could do absolutely no wrong. When he was caught cheating on a project and given a consequence, she wrote a 7-page letter to me and my principal about how I was the worst ogre on the planet. I had him removed from my class. Totally not worth the headache.

I always think parents should talk with teachers if they have questions. They just have to realize they may not always like the answers.

In terms of asking parents to back off, I have told parents before that I will no longer meet with them since they are so angry and unreasonable with me. They are welcome to meet with my principal if they have concerns. I however, am done with them.

I see the beauty in all patenting styles:
1. Working elementary and middle schools in the suburbs, I felt more appreciated by parents via tangible gifts.
2. Working elementary schools in the " the hood", I felt that the students appreciated the 'cheap' gifts and treats that I gave. Parents respected my position better, but were more interested in 'getting' than giving tangible gifts.

I would hate a parent who hovers. I could only teach in district where parents didn't care. I tutored in one. There is NO pressure from the parents (they barely bothered to get their kids to school). The kids had very violent, difficult home lives and school was a haven. They appreciated even a meal, at lunch.

I am not a teacher. As a parent, I do not hover. I actually always feel guilty because I never know what's going on and can't keep up with what forms need to be handed in, stuff needs to be signed, etc. Too much work for parents these days! If I can get the kids to school, for me, that's good! (We always do). I am just saying I cannot even imagine having the time or energy to hover, with 5 little ones.