Talking to Strangers

I second Teri G's post... get the DVD by John Walsh, called "The Safe Side." I got it for my daughter, and she LOVES watching it. I also role play with her and we act out some of the things she's learned in the DVD. I am very impressed with the DVD. My daughter got it when she was in pre-school, and now she's about to start 1st grade and she still enjoys watching it. My concern was how do I teach her these things without scaring her, but this DVD handles it beautifully. I'm a Deputy Sheriff, so I've been big on safety and started talking to her about this stuff from a very early age, but again, I can't recommend this DVD enough!
M.

We love Safe Side Super Chick Stranger Safety, it's a great, fun DVD, my 4 yr old and 3 yr old love it.

So here is what I know...TALKING to strangers is what WE all do eveyday...the grocery clerk, the bus driver, the guy at the gas station, the coffee barista, the WalMart greeter, the driver who cut us off...

You can't teach her to do soemthing that she sees you do every day and sometimes 10 times a day.

But what you can do is teach her how to not GO with strangers.
Not to let strangers take her hand or touch her. How not to take anything from strangers, like candy or a ride.

She needs to be aware, not afraid.

Books are great but until you teach her in real life she will not make the connection. Take her shopping, talk to her about HOW to talk to strangers, not that it is bad. Teach her how to say NO if she feels "uncomfortable". Teach her who she can ask for help if she is lost or afraid. Teach her that most people in this world are nice, but to trust how she feels. She will always be right.

A stat that you may not want to hear is that over 80% of kids that are hurt or taken are done so by someone they know...NOT STRANGERS.

Teach your daughter about safety, not to fear strangers. That's what I did.

We have a code word with my daughters, it changes regularly. They go ONLY with a person who knows the code...even their grandmother does not know the code word unless I have instructed her to pick them up.

Does this help?

B.

It isn't a book, but it is a really great video. Check out www.thesafeside.com. I think it is available on Amazon also. The video was created by John Walsh and the lady that develops the Baby Einsteins series. You really need to watch the video with your child, it is not something that you can turn on and let her watch while you do something else. But it will help you just as much as it helps her. My kids still ask to watch it. We got it for them when they were 2 & 3. They are 4 & 5 now. This is a great time for you to start teaching her. Good luck, T. Let me know if you have any questions.

It is very difficult for young children to know what a "stranger" is. If you ask someone in a department store, or market, where something is, YOU are talking to a stranger, when you tell the car wash attendant what kind of wash you want, you are talking to a stranger. Children learn best by example. I went through this with my now eleven year old daughter when she was three.

I happened upon a book called "The Gift" which was written by a police officer, detective, & FBI agent. It was the most brilliant advise EVER. Allow children to talk to someone who the don't know to ask when something is (Like a market...), and have them talk to you about it. They become very aware of who is creepy, very quickly. Have them talk to you about it. If you do this in a very age appropriate way, they will get it!

They say 99% of crime victims felt something before the crime was committed, but brush it off to being silly, or too cautious. Then you can tell your daughter never to go up to CARS, or things of that nature which are much more specific and easy to understand. That IS a gift that can last a lifetime, and maybe even save her from a bad situation when she is older as well.

I do suggest you finding the book "The Gift", they have it in audiotape as well. Sometimes it is easier to find time to listen rather than read... especially with a young one!

Good luck with your little gift,

M.

Just wanted to echo the Bernstein Bears Stranger book recommendation... on Amazon.com

Hi
I like "The Berenstain Bears Learn about Strangers". You can find it on amazon.com
Good luck

One of the best things out there is a CD w/ activity book called "The Safety Kids: Personal Safety" you can find it at britemusic.com.

I love how it is presented by a club of kids talking about some of the dangers out there. By kids doing the presenting it takes out the "fear" that us adults have a hard time not passing on when we talk about something that scares us to death when it comes to our kids. Each concept is incorporated into a song that is catchy and memorable. It's often songs that more easily come to us in times of distress easier than "what was it that my mommy told me to do if this happened to me...?" It covers getting lost, strangers, inappropriate touching, memorizing your phone number, getting everyone's attention by screaming at the appropriate time, and more.

There is also a Volume 2 about saying no to Drugs and Alcohol and a Volume 3 about Pornography and Violence. I know if you enter code ###-###-####) at check out it will give you a %10 discount.

Knowing my kids know these rules makes me so much more comfortable. A very sad (but could have been much worse) story was when my daughter was almost 5 we were at my parents house staying over for a funeral. Lots of other family was also staying there for the weekend and one night my daughter came downstairs and approached my husband telling him that upstairs just now my male cousin (age 11) had just put his tongue in her mouth and it made her feel very yucky. Of course we were enraged by this, but he was able to ask some follow up questions to make sure nothing else happened and thank her for telling him so quickly. Then he went and approached my uncle and aunt and the boy was dealt with. I wasn't home at the time, and though it still makes me mad, I'm so grateful that she knew that no one should be touching her in a way that makes her uncomfortable or in a place covered by her bathing suit. If they try you resist and you always tell someone about it. If they don't believe you then you tell someone else until someone does believe you. At age 4 (a few weeks shy of turning 5) she knew this from the safety kids and didn't hesitate to tell us. As the issue came up over the next few months for her, we always confirmed that was yucky and wrong for him to do and she did the right thing by telling us right away. She's 6 1/2 now and I don't think she's brought it up for a good year now. So I don't feel like she was too scarred by the experience. If we're able to deal with things in a healthy way they can recover much faster from traumatic close calls.

Thank God for the Safety Kids!

p.s. This is E.'s husband and I've been reading some of the other responses as well. I also agree that it's important to help the child trust their instincts when it comes to people. E. and I never forced our daughter to hug/kiss or be affectionate towards or spend time with a person that she was uncomfortable around even if it was a family member. More often than not, her instincts where right on in our opinion and she was usually uncomfortable with people that we believed she had good reason to be leery of. We sometimes used her as a barometer as to who we should keep an eye on.

This is a touchy topic to approach with a 3 year old since they will have trouble discerning who is a "good" stranger -- like all the new teachers and classmates at her new preschool, and who is a "bad" stranger -- someone who may do her harm. If I were you, I wouldn't worry so much about doing this at this point. If your preschool is doing their job, she will not have the opportunity to in the presence of someone wishing to do her harm. Make sure you select a school with an enclosed play yard, that the teachers are watchful and engaged while the kids are in free play, and that the school has a strict sign in/out policy. If these measures are all in place, preschool shouldn't be a place where "stranger issues" need come up. Good luck!

I would recommend reading, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker (sp?) I read it years ago and it will ALWAYS stick with me that we teach our kids incorrectly. His main point is to actually teach them TO talk to strangers, but advise them to speak to women (specifically when they need help) well before they approach even a police officer (as a male police officer is more likely to be an offender than say a mom). His other point is that by learning to talk to other people they are able to listen and follow their innate sense of fear/awareness that will accurately judge whether a person is safe or not.

I don't know about your daughter, but I highly recommend this book for you: Protecting the Gift
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Te...

Three is tough to get them to fully understand. The Bernstein Bears puts one out. Check the library.
I wish i had better advice.

I was trying to find the program they just did at my daughters pre-school, but can't remember it. I will ask when I go tomorrow. But...I typed in Stranger Danger programs on google and there were tons of stuff you can look at.

Jenna,
I think at her very young age, she should definitely know that rule (and have a good book be read to her) but I think 99% of all that burden (and that's really what it is) needs to go to the preschool and it's staff. I teach preschool myself, and I know that when I'm taking care of children that age, I am soley responsible for their whereabouts, whether on the playground, walking to the classroom or in the lunch area. That preschool, if it's a good one, will watch out for her every move, so you need to really trust the admin. and teachers there, be sure the facility is completely gated, and find out what procedures they take for visitors there.
It's so hard to let go, but try not to burden her with it.
M.

Dear Jenna,

You are on the wrong page. At school she will be with friends and adults who love young children. She will be fine.

Now strangers are something different. She probably doesn't need that for a while yet. in that she will not be without an adult who is in charge of taking care of her. ....at anytime. You know what I mean. at home, at school, in the yard at home even she will be supervised by you or an older sibling. etc. I didn't do a very good job with this one. But, I was a preschool teacher, and believe me, you won't find any group of people who care more about children. C. N.

I don't know about any books for kids, but you might want to read PROTECTING THE GIFT by Gavin DeBecker. If my memory serves me right he refutes the "don't talk to strangers" theory. It's important that children are able to speak to adults, including strangers: what if they're lost, or in trouble, or need help? He describes how to cultivate your child's instincts and intuition, regarding places and people. Check it out, it's a great read; and good luck!

Hi Jenna, I've been a mom now for almost 25 years, and like you I went throught not talking to strangers with my kids I wouldn't rely on a book, I would just be open and real with your daughter, 3 years olds understand more that what you realize, The tricky is there will always be stranges in their lives, for example the first day of pre school the teacher is going to be a strnger, all the moms/dads dropping off their kids are going to be strangers, so what I told my kids, was you don't talk to anyone you do not know unless mommy or daddy is with you, so teachers and other parent become aquaitaces and not stragers, at 3 there will be very little time she will be away from you, and then she is in the hands of another adult, so be honest be real, there will be other things latter on so you want to build that trust with your daughter now, so talking from your heart is better than coming from a book. ( my opinion ) J. L.

Scholastic made a preschool book called "Never Talk To Strangers" by Irma Joyce, illustrated by S.D. Schindler. It is a cute book with animals and a silly rhyme, but it does get the point across. I read it to all 3 of my kids.

I agree that at this age, you may not want to emphasize this too much. I'm a cautious person, but I really think if we push the "stranger danger" concept too young, we teach our children to be paranoid, scared, and anti-social -- none of which are characteristics that help build a healthy foundation for life and social skills. Do teach your children that there are boundaries...for instance, I don't encourage my daughter to talk to other people at restaurants. I tell her, "those people are having dinner just like we are and they would like their privacy." I teach her to answer politely when asked a question but I keep it to just that: polite conversation. True, you can start gently introducing the concept, but as someone else pointed out, your 3-yo is right now going to always be with a trusted adult, and it can be very confusing if you start telling them anything that conflicts with what you're actually doing. Also, your preschool MUST, by law, have a sign-in, sign-out policy, so as long as that's in place and you know your school is reputable, licensed, etc. you should try not to stress too much right now. Bottom line is, we each know our own child better than anyone else does so we should trust our own judgment as to what, when, and how to teach our children about strangers, but I don't think we should take our caution into the realm of teaching fear.

Hi Jenna,

My daughter is now six, and very bubbly and charismatic. I started talking to her about strangers at about your daughter's age because she loved to talk to everyone everywhere. I stressed that is okay to be friendly but that you never wander off or go with someone without permission.

Now at six, when she is more aware of the world, I focus on listening to your inside voice. We were at a store once where a mentally impaired person approached her. I was close by with an eye on her and saw her apprehension. We have talked about the feeling in her tummy when this happened and her instinct to flee. Now she knows to listen to warnings.

Before I get jumped on, I also explained about people who are "different" and that this person probably would not have hurt her.

My best advice is to always talk about the world with your kids. The more info they have the better prepared they are to deal with what come up in their surroundings. She may be three. But three is old enough to know not all people are nice, and there are some that can and will do harm.