Talking at Meal Time

Simply tell them no talking until after dinner is done. So that way you get them to eat without indigestion and AFTER the meal, you all sit around and chat it off..., then go sleep :-))

I have four girls also :) We have pretty talkative family dinners. Every couple of minutes i will say "ok, lets eat a little, then finish your story." You just have to remind them to keep eating and calm it down a little. I would not do a no talking rule. That is a sad dinner table :(

It sounds like you are a little stressed before you hit the table. I can understand why. I may get negative comments for this... but how about one glass of wine or one beer while you are cooking? That way you are relaxed and ready for the chatter and giggles to come...

I can imagine an hour long breakfast, lunch, AND dinner would be a bit much, but an hour for dinner does not sound that long to me. I'm sorry you have to cut out dinner conversation. I've also never heard of this and would be devastated to do this, and I remember how much my family loved dinner conversation with three girls and both parents. I know you said you want to stick with your rule, but you might consider modifying it and making it more realistic, like talking one at a time and eating when not talking or something. Your oldest is probably the only one who could realistically even follow this rule. Anyway, I hope something works for you. This made me so sad to read.

God bless you and your FOUR girls! My mother had four girls (and one boy, my poor brother!), we often sigh and say, 'no WONDER she's crazy! I know it's hokey, but could you try a 'flag' put at the center of the table, when one needs to talk they have to hold the flag? They'd each have to wait til the last one was done talking and pass the flag.....course then they'd be fighting over who's turn it is to hold the flag.....believe it or not, mealtimes will soon enough be boring and uneventful, you will miss the chatter, I do!

I know the feeling i have 4 kids also. ages 21 months, 3,5 and 7. the younger 3 are boys and oldest is a girl. I don't have the no talking at the table rule but they DO have to sit at the table untill they are done, if dad n i get done first, which uasually happens we leave the table. nice time out for us. then they race to get done because no one wants to be the last one sitting there.
My dad had that same rule about no talking at the table. I would want to tell about my day but couldn't and by the time i was done i was off playing and never got to tell them. because of this i didnt have the close relationship w my parents.i didn't feel i could talk to them when i got older and i still don't. so if that is the way you want it to releive some indigestion, have at it.
i totaly agree w tracy sometimes when i am really stressed i will have a glass of wine while i fix dinner. We enjoy our dinner time talks.

Hi there, I haven't read all of the responses so I hope I'm not repeating. Here goes:

First: I read your "What happened" post and I'd like to say that I completely understand where you're coming from. People think that we're crazy because we pop a movie in for dinner and everyone sort of vegges out. We're homeschoolers, so we're together EVERY moment of EVERY day! My kids are being active and doing educational activities for most of the day and I'm right there with them. We get PLENTY of bonding time! lol! Dinner is when the gears get shifted in our house and we all eat in silence watching a movie. Everyone needs some downtime. You're not doing anything wrong. Every family is different and some of us really think outside the box. For example my 8yo doesn't go to bed until 11 or 12 each night, but he sleeps later in the morning that public school kids, so he's getting all the sleep he needs but it sounds strange to people that he "stays up so late". They don't understand that our schedule isn't the same as theirs, but it's just as healthy and valid. It's amount of sleep that counts, not the specific timeframe. We like our schedule because I can get more learning done with him after his little brother is in bed each night. So my point is that you don't have to be like everyone else. Good for you for understanding this! And you're right. The emphasis on the "family table" is mainly aimed at families that don't get to spend much time together during the day. The purpose of the family table is for everyone to reconnect after a long day separated from each other. It's where everyone talks about their day. Doesn't sound like you need that feature! lol! We don't either!

So now, to your original question. By all means, keep the no talking rule if it's working for you, but maybe if you were willing to try something else, you could allow talking but "specifically directed" talking and in a pattern with food consumption. Since I'm a homeschooler, I love anything educational, so my suggestion is going to be slanted that direction, but pick what you can use out of it and pitch the rest! :)

The way it could work is that you go around the table asking questions. No one can talk unless they're answering their question. They have to take a bite while the person before them is answering so they're done chewing and ready to answer their question by the time you get to them. Say something like "Okay, (child B) take a bite while I ask (child A) her question." If they don't take a bite, they get skipped and don't get a question when it's their turn. My thought is to use math/numbers (age-appropriate of course). Like the 7yo can answer simple addition and subtraction that she can reasonably do in her head without paper and pencil and so on down the line. The 2yo can answer "what comes after 2?" etc.

If they're as dedicated to talking as they seem from your post then they might even bone up on their number on the down-low in order to make the most out of their talking opportunities at dinner. It should at least make sure that they're taking a bite every now and then. I'm afraid it's still going to take time this way, but at least it'll be calmer and more productive which might make you feel a little better about it.

Hope this helped and best of luck to you!

I agree with Mitzy, dinner conversations are bonding they bring family's together. I think you need to structure the talking not have a rule not to talk. With no dinner conversation, your family time together becomes mechanical.
I have been an mom for 26 years and we have had some great family times around the dinner table. Like Mitzi This was sad to read

Can you switch to a no goofing off and no fighting rule? I've never heard this rule, but you have 4 girls LOL. Your situation is unique and your girls my be extra verbal. Maybe at meal time you could have a topic or a speak when spoken to rule where you and your husband direct the conversation.

Very quick input, and it may seem like quibbling over semantics, but it seems to me you will achieve more success if your focus less on the "no talking" aspect of dinner, and start really focusing on the "table manners" of it all. You could make a poster or such near the dinner table to remind them of what good table manners are and hold them to that. For instance: No talking with your mouth full; No monopolizing the coversation; Eat your food while it's hot (out of respect for the cook.) A well-mannered table often it quieter, but allows for a more amiable environment than "No talking."

Good luck.

I know you like the no talking rule, so feel free to skip my advice (which of course you would anyway, but you know what I mean).

I think that there are two other ways you could address this issue. 1: as another poster suggested, set a timer for half an hour and after that time, dinner is done. So they have to eat while they're at the table. If they can figure out how to do that and talk, great. If not, that's fine too. 2: You eat your dinner and then you get up and do other things! There's no reason you have to sit there and pester them to eat. If they're having a good time at the table, let them have it! Put dinner out, sit with them while you eat, or for whatever alloted amount of time, and then tell them they're responsible for finishing their dinner without you. I know you have a couple of little ones, but if beverages are in sippy cups and everything's cut up, as long as you're "around" they should be ok. Certainly the caveat to this could be something along the lines of "if mom hears you being rude/picking a fight/etc" your dinner is done. But if they're having fun together, these are memories that they'll have forever. (That does not mean, however, you have to subject yourself to endless indigestion over it!). Good luck!

I have an idea.........making sure they all have enough to eat of course.....after seconds or however you want to do it, but ............No talking until everyone has cleaned their plate! So, if they can eat in 20 minutes, you will give them a decent enough time to sit at the table and have great talk time........as long as it doesn't become too loud.........

You might also want to video tape them one day.......don't let them know.........it would be an eye opener for them to see what you are talking about and since it is such a big thing, it would be great to use later when they are older and have boyfriends! Just kidding, but nice to have when they are all grown and out of the house..........

Enjoy the time that they still want to talk to each other......one of these days, that will be hit and miss!

Take care and good luck!

I can't help but giggle - girls are chatterboxes aren't they!

I don't have this problem but I might suggest a timer for meal time. Everyone has however many minutes to eat. After that the food is removed from the table. It might seem kind of harsh at first but they will figure out that meal time is meal time not social/dawdle hour. My son did do the goof off during dinner then proclaim he was SO HUNGRY when it was time for shower (which is followed by bedtime). It was irritating so we started the timer rule and within a few days he got the picture - eat now or tomorrow morning little buddy.

Also, how about suggesting they chat while they set the table so they can get all the juicy tidbits of the day out before dinner is actually served?

Good luck! It's always something isn't it! :)

Best,
T.

The best solution is this... Set a kitchen timer for 30 minutes. When that 30 minutes is up the meal is over. Plates get dumped. They will eat their food or go hungry. 30 minutes is plenty for the meal.

YES I do have a no talking during meal time rule. I ignore a few words here or there though. It's when they start to goof off I say something. If the kids manage to say one thing at a time and be polite I'll not say anything. It's not so much a no talking rule as in that I will just say no talking when they start to get out of hand.

I haven't read the other answers, but... In my daughter's Kindergarten class, the rule was no talking for the first 10 minutes. Then quiet talking after that. That way the kids had to concentrate on EATING first, since they only had 25 minutes to eat. I like this because they do eat first, but they still have a chance to talk and learn the "social" part of eating a meal together. I think it is also easier on the kids who want to talk to know that they WILL get a chance to talk, they just have to be patient. When they do talk, you can teach them appropriate conversation topics, taking turns, keeping voices quiet, etc. And perhaps let them know that if their talking gets out-of-hand / not following the rules, you go back to no talking for the rest of that meal. That way they are also learning good habits for when they have dinner outside of your home.

I wish I had your problem. I want my family to talk more. Talking is such a big part of our society, particularly when we have to engage in small talk at business meetings, luncheons or dinner parties. I hope you all still have that relationship when they are teens and young adults. But, I'm sure it's frustrating when dinner stretches into a two-hour ordeal. Sometimes if a behavior is desired, but needs to be modified, a positive reinforcement instead of a negative one might be needed. For instance, you could allow for group conversation time in the daily schedule before dinner starts-maybe gather at the table while you're preparing so they can get some of that out of their systems before the plate hits the table? If they're too engrossed in their activities before dinner, then they lose out on their sharing time. Another idea, they can chat and help serve and once food is on the table, only the ones who are close to finishing their plates can chat. Or, move dessert into the living room where they can continue chatting, which might be a positive reward for finishing their dinner? Each child can join you when he or she finishes, maybe. Definitely keep the child-sized portions.

how about, when you've finished your plate, then you can talk. and you can talk for five minutes without interruptions if you finish seconds. make talking a reward for having eaten.

I am sorry I didn't read thru all your answers so far, so I apologize if this is a repeat but what about allowing them to only say something after a bite:) That way they actually eat and maybe it will decrease the amount of time sitting around the table waiting for them to be finished...

If they are just itching to talk, you could expand the rule (since you say it gets broken anyway) and tell them if they wish to say something they either have to take a bite after or better yet, say there something then the fork has to go directly into their mouth (w/food on it) and then they can listen while they chew?

Just an idea? I totally understand what you are saying about the talk, talk, talking...I am lucky enough to have boys who are serious eaters, so they shovel it in faster than I can dish it out...but they are some serious chatterboxes at the dinner table as well:)

I have two girls ages 7 and 2 and a 5 month boy (who thankfully isn't talking yet), but they talk like crazy at meal time too. We have the no talking rule at dinner as well. However our rule is that once you are done eating and the adults at the table are done eating you may begin to talk. My girls take forever to eat as well, so another rule that we added was that once a half hour has passed and the majority of the people at the table are done, those people may be excused. It encourages the slowest eater to stop trying to talk and get to eating because she realizes she'll be alone at the table if she's not done.

My daughter can't talk and eat, or watch TV and eat (which is a good thing! No eating in front of the TV!), but I've had to tell her to stop talking and eat her food, too (and I have just one!) I just remember the old days (50 years ago) when the rule was children are seen and not heard; and don't speak until you're spoken to. Now I understarnd the reasoning behind it. The "experts" that advocate family conversation at the dinner table are expecting everyone to be well behaved and able to take turns talking, and eat inbetween times. We know that is not the way the real world works!

They need to learn the advantage of being silent at dinner time and listening to what Mom and Dad have to say (or dinner guests). They can learn so much about your family by doing that, rather than talking just to hear the sound of thier voices.

I 'm writing this to offer support for your decision. Hmmm, I just thought of the contemplative monasteries and convents. The members have a silent dinner while listening to the Bible or other religious reading. Maybe you could do something like that? Listen to an audio story, then discuss it as a family after dinner. Talk about another opportunity to bond! Maybe I solved my own problem, too.

What about 1 person at a time may speak (which may also hold some lessons about not interrupting and being patient) and the others must continue eating while that person is talking. Of course, if they get long winded you will have to tell them to wrap it up.

I didn't read all the other posts, but I'm trying to figure out if what bothers you is the noise volume of 4 girls all talking at once for 1 1/2 hours, or if it is the length of time it takes for them to eat. Are you aware that quick meals are almost exclusively an American custom? Most European cultures view eating as a group activity that should be leisurely and full of talk and interaction so the food and companionship can both be fully enjoyed and savored. There is a whole theory about the Western diet and its resulting health issues that stems from not just what we eat, but how we eat (group eating is healthier and is how we are naturally inclined to eat, we eat too fast and thus have lost the ability to self-regulate quantity, etc). My point is that it seems to me that you don't mind the talking IF they also eat in a reasonable time. So rather than try to enforce a rule that is against the instinctual nature of nearly every human, why not set a timer that everyone can see and/or hear. State that everyone has x amount of time to eat, and once that time is up, dinner is over and the plates will be removed. Perhaps if they don't get to eat enough and are hungry, it will start to sink in that they need to pick up the pace. Also if bonding at the group table is not what you're about, then why do you enforce group eating? Sit everyone down, let everyone eat at their own pace, then when you and hubby are done, get up and go do something else. Unless the girls have homework to do, or you eat later in the day so bedtime becomes an issue, let the girls continue their natural eating/bonding as long as they know they must clear up their dishes when they are done. There could also be the option of kids dinner and adult dinner at separate times, with the same food served of course. Let them eat first, then you and hubby sit down a bit later, either with them or later with just each other. Do you and hubby enforce silent dinner when it is just the two of you? Food for thought! ;)

A little strict if you ask me! How about setting a certain time limit, say, 30 mins to eat and if you aren't finished, then your food goes in the trash. Set a timer for 25 mins and when it goes off, they have 5 mins to finish up, so shut up and eat! If they aren't done, then it goes in the trash and they go with out dinner. I'm sure a couple of nights without food, they'll get the hint and not talk as much. But to not let them talk at all at dinner, you are just asking for a difficult, frustrating time!!!

Perhaps you can set a reasonable time limit on dinner and when its up, dinner is over. If they didn't finish, then they will be just be hungry. A few days of this will remind them to focus on eating.

Something that we do at dinner each night is share our high/low from the day. It focuses the conversation and also gives you insight into how your kids see the day. It also gives the child the ability to see how you see your day as well. I'm always honest about my high/lows and my daughter is often surprised to hear about how something at work frustrated me. It helps her see that there are not nice things that happen at work/school but that we still have to go to those places.

I have 5 girls 15,13,13,12,8 and I can tell you that it does not get any better. I have learned that you just have to let them talk or you will spend your life giving out time outs. It can get out of and and we have to reign them back in but it does not matter how old they are they just can not sit the entire meal and just eat. I have also found out that as they get older I like the talking because I hear more at that table then I do at any other time and for some reason they feel more comfortable talking while they are all together like that. Also as they get older you will have less meals that you can eat together due to sports and other things. Enloy them while you can!

I just wanted to throw in a suggestion. When I was a kid we talked about our day. But it was a simple statement. No long explanations. For instance my dad would say something like "I had a good day today because the corn is almost ready to harvest, and I can't wait to eat it." (he was a farmer). My brother would say "I didn't have a good day today because I didn't win my wrestling match." I would say "I had a good day today playing with my barbie dolls." Other then those one statements there was no talking. I think it got the need to talk out, but we basically had to be quiet after that and eat. I don't think there's anything wrong with your rule if I had to sit at a dinner table with 4 girls chattering away I probably wouldn't come over to dinner very often. =) I hope you guys find a solution!

You are so incredibly lucky your girls enjoy each another's company and are chatting, laughing and goofing off rather than whining and squabbling or sitting in sullen silence. I would hesitate to do anything to disturb that group dynamic. Try to imagine them ten years into the future sitting around the table laughing and discussing school and proms and boys and sports and clothes and all the things that make being a girl such fun. Your girls will remember those dinnertimes together when they are grown with love and joy, and will be drawn together with their families to duplicate the experience. Or not - it all depends on you. Is it really so terrible to tolerate a little noise at dinner. You will have plenty of silent dinners when they are grown and gone.