Taking Gaurdianship of Elderly Mom, Any Pitfalls I Need to Know?

So sorry about your MIL. Both of my grandmothers have dementia. One aunt was able to get POA while the other one wasn't because my grandmother is very stubborn.

It is a lot of work and you really have to keep an eye on persons suffering from dementia. Once, one of my grandmothers walked out of the house, stopped a guy walking by and told him to call the police because the man inside wouldn't leave and her husband was on his way home. The man inside was my grandfather and had a very hard time proving to the cops who he was. Grandmother is in later stages of dementia but at that time, she was cunning and there were no clear signs to a stranger that she had dementia.

You may want to look into some adult day care services to help her get out of the house from time to time. There's also a lot of services available, just search online.

make sure someone has definate power of attorney, so they can legally make her medical and financial decisions. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this! My DH's stepfather is rapidly getting to that point with his own mother.

I don't know expertly enough about the legalities of it (your DH's Attorney can tell you that)... but as far as doing care-giving... per her condition.... a normal person... will not be able to care for her.... adequately.
She would need to be in a senior care home or something.... with round the clock supervision etc.
Care-giving... takes a TON of energy and time and someone needing to be home with her... always. Per her condition. So someone even needing to quit their jobs.... to be home with her. AND then that person who is doing the 'majority' of care-giving 24/7... how will that person be "compensated' or supported and helped?
Burn-out, with care-givers... are very high.

It is very very stressful....

I did care-giving for my Dad.... he had Diabetes, was home bound, on dialysis, and had had a stroke and many other health problems. I was home with him and it took my whole family (Mom and Husband) to care for him... too... and providing him with driving, running errands, taking him to the Doctor and other appointments, daily.
AND helping with basic hygiene etc.
It is a lot... of work.
TONS more hard... than taking care of children.

all the best,
Susan

At this point it sounds like she would *not* be able to do power of attorney. To give someone power of attorney you need to able to clearly discuss your wishes and appoint the person you want to handle your affairs. If she has a diagnosis of dementia she may not be able to do that at this time. Same would go for advanced directives like a living will.

Seek the advice of a qualified elder care attorney. Even talk with more than one.

Most likely only one child would be appointed guardian so it's very important that all the kids are on the same page and are willing to discuss difficult issues with her care that may come up like if she needs nursing home care etc.

Before my mom died my brother filed papers in the courthouse and had a hearing to take guardianship of her. It was very painless and quick. After that he handled everything and all was fine. He was fair and did a good job, most don't and families fall apart due to hard feelings. If your hubby has siblings they need to sit down beforehand and discuss their expectations of what is going to happen to each and every piece of her furniture, her clothes, her pictures, her dishes, appliances, every little item. Each person will have their own ideas and expect them to be supported.

That can be the biggest issue within families. I have a friend who was living with her mom when the woman had a massive heart attack and never went home from the hospital. her daughter was named her executor and that has been at least 10 years and they are still in court arguing over empty wine bottles that sat in the windows as decorations. She pays $80+ a month for storage fees and her brothers pay nothing. She is the executor and that is an expense of the estate. She is disabled and lives on SSI so it is an extreme hardship on her but her brothers attorneys have it all tied up in legal fees and restraining orders so she can't even throw out the old papers that are trash. Her mom's house was basically emptied out, every thing, even drawers of coupons and old receipts for groceries. And she is paying storage fees on that.

So, it can be a major fight if each and every person doesn't have a say in the division of property. One may want mom's old metal bowls because they have fond memories of eating ice cream out them. It can be so hard for the ones left behind.

Hi B.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. The hardest thing I had to deal with when my husband and I took in my Mom AND Dad was dealing with my brother. My sister and I were on the same page but my brother questioned everything we did. Our relationship has not ever gotten back to where it was.

On a positive note....we took my Mom to a naturopath and he took her off ALL her pharmaceuticals so he could properly diagnose her ailments. (Mom was the one with the paranoia.) After her blood stream was clean (about 90 days) we took another blood sample and the Doctor could find nothing wrong with her. PLUS her dementia was gone. Turns out it was pharmaceutically induced from her 13 meds... that she didn't even need to be on. Dad, on the other hand, has a true diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease but it was so much easier to manage after Mom was clear headed again.

I say that to tell you that some dementia is man made. A friend's Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and was on meds for that. Turns out he didn't have Parkinson's and the meds did so much brain damage that the dementia was irreversable. Make sure your MIL's conditions are not simply side effects from other conditions/meds. I think someone that doesn't have a financial stake in it is the only one that will be up front with you.

God bless!

M.

My prayers go out to you. I hope you can get some good answers here. The best thing to do is get a hold of organizations that can help you like Catholic Charities and such.... If she wants to remain in her own home (apt) or whatever, someone will have to be checking on her pretty much daily. If you decide to put her in a rest home there are a lot of financials to sort out first. It's much harder than raising children, much harder.

I would definitely check with an attorney before anyone agrees to become legal guardian as I believe that would make you financially responsible for them. If she is still able to execute a Power of Attorney-its best to go that route as you are able to make decisions for them but are not held financially responsible for them.

Hi B.,
Oh, this is so hard! I feel for you all.

My Granny came to live with me when she was in her 80s. While mentally sharp, physically she could not live alone anymore. Since my Mother, her daughter, was deceased and my sister lived out of town, it was the logical move for us.

However, very early on, Granny and I discussed what we would do should her mental capacity fail or should her physical health continue to fail. We went to an attorney and executed a medical Power of Attorney and a DNR.

The one thing we did not do was discuss the situation fully with my sister. Big Mistake. As Granny aged and finally had to live in a personal care home my sister had huge issues with my "being in charge" etc. etc. Since she was not here to see Granny's decline she really did not understand what we were going through. Took us years to overcome this breach.

So, my biggest advice to you is to talk to your Hubby and make sure that all the siblings are on the same page. They must all know the complete medical situation and all have a part of making the arrangements for their Mother. Everyone should sit down with her doctors and everyone should meet with the legal representatives. If needed bring in a counselor for the siblings and/or a mediator.

This is such a hard issue to deal with - my thoughts and prays are with you all.