Taking Care of Mom

I don't think we should guilt trip our kids. But I do think we need to teach them empathy. They don't stay little forever. Here's what I'm talking about.

I've always been superhuman to my family. I rise up before anyone, sometimes go to bed later than any of them. I get up in the middle of the night multiple times to care for children. I earn a considerable amount of money while still doing all the stay at home mom duties on top of it. I've done it sick, tired, on little sleep, pregnant several times, and I've managed with a debilitating disease that I am always looking for alternative cures or meditating for.

Well this mom wishes I had taught my family a little empathy a long the way. Yesterday I was so dizzy in the morning that I started throwing up. I remained dizzy for quite awhile and then I was tired. So they decided to watch a movie in the living room, keep an eye on the 3 children in the house while I rest. Only they were extremely loud the whole time. I really didn't get any rest because I kept having to come out and find out if someone was going to get hurt because of the way they were carrying on. Someone turned the counter top roaster up on the highest setting and that would have burned if I didn't go back out there and figure that out. THEN... even though it was THEM that took the dog out and kept going outside for various things, they left the door unlocked and my grandson went out to the front porch.

They decided just before that they were going to leave me here with my grandson and my two 5 year old daycare kids, even though I still felt rough. They didn't ask me how I felt about it. So when the grandson gets outside they all come in and YELL AT ME. He went out there because he didn't want to be left home and because THEY left the door unlocked! He can't reach the locks. So I promptly told them they should take the boy and leave me with the two 5 year olds that can play happily without me chasing them every 5 seconds.

TRULY... All this psychology crud we keep filling our minds and homes with is for the birds. We need to get back to some nuts and bolts basics and teach our children some respect. The way they behaved yesterday was NOT COOL. Oh and by the way... The worst noise makers and offenders was my 10 year old daughter, 20 year old daughter (mom to grandbaby), her boyfriend and my husband. My 5 year olds are easy. So only AFTER I told them all to shove it did they take the grandson and all of themselves to my older daughters house ALL EVENING giving me some real peace and quiet. My two 5 year old children and I were fine.

Who are you talking about? I see, somewhat, that you are talking in the 3rd person....hard to read.

M.

Based on this and your last question and the fact that you've no other activity on this board, I'm going to surmise that there is friction between you and bio mom. Without judgement on who's right and who's wrong, you both need to work it out and keep the little girl out of the middle. As fas as a child crying and wanting to be with their mom when mom has a migraine, that possibly could result from her mom laying a guilt trip on her. But if you didn't hear mom laying down the guilt trip with your own ears, then you don't know that's what it resulted from. I have one grandchild who is, by nature, a highly anxious child. She would do something like this, cry if her mother had a migraine and she was away from her. Her mother would not have to say one inappropriate thing to bring it on, the little girl just has a highly sensitive empathetic personality. I say "by nature" because she has a sister, raised the same way by the same 2 parents, who is absolutely carefree and troubled by absolutely nothing. So the behavior you are describing in your step daughter, could be personality, could be something mom said and could also result from the tensions between the adults in her life whether anyone said anything in particular to her or not. Take a step back and make sure you aren't the one being judgemental here. Let's everybody focus on the little girl. Your step daughter is feeling something and she's entitled to her feelings. Rather than concentrating on whose fault that feeling is, focus on helping the little girl sort out the feeling. Listen to her, empathize with what she is feeling, validate the feeling, ask open ended questions towards resolution, and transition. So she's is crying and saying her mom is sick and she feels bad she is not with her mom. (Don't say, your mom is a grown up and she will be fine - this doesn't acknowledge the feeling and it actually invalidates what she is feeling and that feeling is real, whatever the cause of it.) You say, oh are you upset because your mom doesn't feel well? (That's the Listen). I can see why you would be upset, it makes me sad when someone I love doesn't feel well, too. (Empathize and Validate). What kinds of things could we do to help your mom when she doesn't feel well. (Questions leading towards resolution). Then you let her talk, if she just says "Go home" you can say Yes, tomorrow (or whenever) you'll be going home. Should we take something with us when we go home? Maybe you lead her towards making a card for her mom, or picking some flowers for her mom, or making some cookies for her mom. The goal is to let her feel what she is feeling, validate that she has a reason to feel it, and help her take find good ways to deal with the feeling.

I agree that we should never put emotional guilt trips on our kids. Setting them up to "worry" about you when they arent with you is very damaging to their psyche.