So I have been friends with this person for 4 years. For as long as I've known her life has been filled with drama ( marriage difficulties, struggles at work, arguments with mom or sister...) Despite the drama, I have enjoyed her friendship, had fun when we've gone out and felt good about how I've been there for support. About a year ago she decided to divorce her husband and has been through quite a bit of tough times as a result...I stood by her through it all. 5 months ago she started dating someone and seems happy for the first time in a long time. She has pretty much fallen off the map since beginning this relationship. Thing is, I have been through some difficult stuff in those 5 months, miscarriage, loss of a grandparent, MIL hospitalized, and a major move out of the country in two weeks...she is no where. Now I have other girlfriends that are rock solid and have been great, but this particular relationship is eating away at me. I guess because I was so supportive of her. So here is my question. Do I say something before I make my move or do I just let it go and move on?
Thanks for the opinions!
Thank you everyone for your opinions. She and I have been in contact by phone 4-5 times throughout the last 5 months and tried to make plans to get together but something always came up (ex-husband issue, child care, meeting with lawyer) and I completely understood. Finally we set plans for dinner and she never showed up, I waited 30 minutes, called her, nothing. Finally 3 days later she contacted me via Facebook and apologized saying she completely forgot, I never responded because I was so ticked off. I heard from her again three days ago via facebook and she said she hoped to see me beofore I left. I responded by saying things were hectic, but if she sent me some dates I would try to make on work. Haven't heard back from her. Just frustrated, probably one of the only friendships I have had in my adult life that is not reciprocal. Thanks again ladies!!!
I would think about my motivation to say something - is it in love or in anger? Good for you for having been a wonderful friend to her. I am sorry she has not been a friend to you - I'm thankful you have other good friends. So, I would let it go. Have a wonderful time living abroad!
I vote for saying something. She is probably just so wrapped up in her own happiness that she is being selfish without realising it. So call her on it gently, give her a chance to respond. I suspect it will eat at you if you don't.
Yours is a really tough question, and it brought back a lot of memories reading it.
2 years ago, right after my daughter's birth, I was diagnosed with cancer. The only relevance is that it taught me who my real friends were and were not. People I thought would be incredibly supportive vanished (ouch, that really hurt), and other people rose from nowhere to really take care of us during that time.
So, to answer your question. I don't know - part of me says let it rest, you have new friends who are genuine. The other part says to at least address it with her and let her know how dear of a friend she's been, how much you've tried to support her, and how hurt you are that she hasn't been available when you've needed it.
I guess, be prepared for the end of the friendship pending her response one way or the other - if you're OK with that, make the best decision for you personally.
You can something but I don't think she is going to care too much. I had to let go of a friend of over 15 years b/c she was like this. I call her my fair weather friend. I still have a little contact with her (via Facebook). The final straw for me was when my Dad (who loved her like a daughter) was diagnosed w/ cancer and was in the hospital, she didn't call, come see him, text me, anything until he died. She went to the funeral then fell off the face of the earth again. I don't let her hurt me anymore and I don't regret it. She will one day though.
Some are givers and some are takers and sometimes some are both. You apparently are a giver. You gave your time, your heart, understanding, comfort and wisdom and that was a great thing to do but now here you are. You have poured out all you can and now you need to receive. She just might not be equipped to give you what she needs. She may still be in a receiving mode herself.
Grown ups don't have a problem talking things out but if you really don't feel like expending the energy in that direction brush the dust off and keep it moving. Some friends are only friends for a season. Some friendships were only meant to teach you something not really give to you in your hour of need. Thank God you have other friends. Lean on them and use the support they provide. Take the valuable lessons with you.
The decision is yours.
I feel for you, I have felt the hurt of a failed friendship too, it's hard. This is apparently weighing heavily on your mind, so you should say something. Be gentle on her, but say something. Otherwise you will always wish you had, and you will never be able to completely let go. You are moving, so this is a good reason to touch base with her one last time. Good luck on your big move, how exciting! A chance to make even more friendships! :)
HAP,
I am happy for your friend. She has been through a lot (as have you), and finally found happiness with another man 5 months ago. A LOT of people fall off the face of the earth when they enter a new relationship (and I don't blame her since she is divorced and probably wants to get remarried). I'm not saying blowing off your friends for 5 months is right, but it is typical. I am wondering if you ever tried getting in touch with her during those 5 months. If you did and she didn't respond back, then I can see why you are upset. But if you didn't try contacting her in those 5 months, then why not? If you contacted her and she didn't respond to you, then I say do your move without contacting her and move on. I have had "falling outs" with friends over the years, so I definately understand and appriciate your situation. I just don't have all of the facts, so it's hard for me to "pick sides." Either way, you are in pain over a friendship, and I am sorry for that. It will get easier over time.
Let it go. She's obviously made a choice (sadly, in a situation where a choice isn't necessary). Some people are emotional vampires and suck you into their drama (which can be never-ending) and accept your help and loyalty. That's not friendship in the first place.
let it go and move on
Just let it go...You hold the power over how you feel. Nothing she can say will make this alright. Forgive her for her oversight of your friendship and just move on.
This is funny because I'm in the middle of trying to let go of a friendship where the friend has brought me nothing but negative energy so I am hoping to move away from it. The opposite of your situation.
My opinion on your situation is that it is clearly eating away at you. My daughter had a former best friend move away when she was in 5th grade. The best friend had hurt her tremendously but before that they were extremely close. When she heard from this former best friend that she was moving, my daughter said "Mom, I have to fix things before she moves or it will eat away at me. You know how I am Mom." Even though it was my daughter that was hurt, she knew it had to get fixed - out of the mouths of babes. Tell your friend that you want to talk. Explain that you have been through some big changes in your life recently and that you feel disappointed that she has not been there for you. Tell her that you are thrilled that she is in a good place now and that it hurt you that she couldn't reciprocate when you needed her and that you just wanted to clear the air before you go or that you would grow to resent her. If she understands, great - your friendship may become stronger. If she doesn't understand, then she's not meant to be in your life anymore and you can move on knowing you did all that you could do. Sometimes people are brought into our lives for a season, sometimes for a reason. Maybe you were just meant to be in her life to help her through some hard times and you have other people in your life that are meant to help you through your hard times. Either way, clear the air before you go. You will be happy that you did. Good luck with your move!
Noooo! please say something before you let go...You will wish you did later down the line. I am saying this from experience. If the relationship was important to you why wouldn't you say in love how you feel. What if she is so excited and rap up in love and peace she has lost focus (we all need people in our lives to say hey wake up in love) now after you exspress that you were in need of her friendship durning these times even if it was just dropping of dinner for your family one night and she still continues to go forward in her life with out acknowleging your challenges than you know what to do! Friendships go both ways.
Move on
Some people are friends for a season, others for a lifetime. Why not wait and see what happens next? Perhaps she'll hear of your move through the proverbial grapevine, and get hold of you, if not send a change of address when you have that information.
God bless you and give you peace. Find some great friends at your new location.
Tough one. I would say something, because it's just not nice to not say something and ditch someone. I know she's not being nice, but it would be one final gesture of how much you invested into it.
To lose a child and not have the support, to be moving and nothing from her... that's sad. Well, she's a fair weather friend (drama-filled people usually are) and now you know. You deserve better than that. I would say cut your losses and write her a letter telling her how disappointed you are in this one-sided friendship and wish her well.
I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and the difficulties. I hope your new adventure is filled with joy!
Please say something. I had a similar experience with a good friend (or so I thought) and it still bothers me. The final straw for me was last summer when my family and I went to visit her in another state 12 hours away. We had planned on staying at her house for two days and long story short...she blew me off! got her dates confused, was sick, boyfriend had some problems, etc., etc. She sent me a text message asking for understanding and I never replied. Now all of sudden she's making comments on my FB and acting like nothing ever happened...I'm furious and need to voice this to her. So my advice to you is let her know now how hurt you are and why you are disappointed in her. She may be oblivious, or just stupid ;-)!! End it now, one way or another so you can move on and know you did the right thing.
You learn who your real friends are when you go through things like that. She was not one worth keeping around for the long haul, is what it sounds like. As sad as it is. When I got pregnant at 19, and then married at 21, I lost contact with quite a few friends who were still in the party stage where I was a mother and wife. As they grew into the stages I was already in, we were able to bond again. not that they weren't there for me or good friends, but things are differnent. Your friend is probably completely enamored with this new guy and has no idea what she is doing. have you tried to talk to her? To me it sounds like a wasted effort on your part, but I understand still wanting to try also. Good luck!!
I would say something - not sure if it should/would just be a 'good bye' or if it should be more along the lines of 'hey thanks for nothing'. I think this will (always) eat away at you if you just leave without having said something to her for some sort of closure. I dont think you need this lingering in the back of your head - not healthy! 4 years is a long time to be in someones life. That deserves Something. Even tho shes' not making an effort - I think that you should, for yourself, not so much her!!! I think shes so caught up w/ her new "life" (finally she seems happy) that shes not realizing that she's hurting you by not being there to support you in your troubled times. I'm sorry for what your going through , but it will make you a stronger person and maybe a change of moving to a New Country (oh my) will be a wonderful thing for you ! Best of luck to you and your family :-)
