It seems whenever my family is in our backyard, our neighbor behind us often comes over with her 2 young kids to play. I'm OK with neighbors popping in unannounced to play but this particular neighbor always stays well past her welcome. She does not leave when we have expected visitors, her kids have eaten off my son's lunch plate or have helped themselves to his snacks. The typical playing nice issues comes up often with 3 yr olds, but she never does anything about it. I am usually the one to say something...
I have never come across someone who is like this......I do not know what else to do or say without being outright rude. Nor do I want to completly 'banish' her from coming over to play, as my husband wants. I am not one for conflict and do not want to start something out of nothing. She is still a neighbor who we will see everyday. BUT, I do want to be able to enjoy our backyard this summer without feeling she will be over within minutes. Please respond! I need suggestios on how to handle this situation tactfully! Thanks!
Thanks everyone for your great responses! The next time she's over, I am going try some of ideas offerd and set boundaries and departure times. The unfortunate thing about this is whole situation is I think she is a very lonely lady and needs company. Which is fine, but she has no social skills and is very difficult to converse with. We may be neighjbors for a long itme, and I agree, I need to get a hold of this awkward situation now before any more time goes by...thanks again!
Can you put up a privacy fence? You can always use the "kids being able to play out back safely" reason if she wonders why you are putting one up.
I think this is a really tough situation. It does make sense to try to maintain a positive relationship with your neighbor. I know that I am not good at handling things like that on the spot...I would try to mentally prepare for the situation so that you can say, in a nice way, "this is not a good time" perhaps followed up with "can we get together on Tuesday after lunch"? I don't know how assertive your neighbor is, but I'd also be prepared with an answer if she were to ask why it isn't a good time. You could say you want your two boys to have some one-on-one time, you want time with just the two of them, they are having a special playdate with someone else, whatever.
If the issue is more that she overstays her welcome, perhaps you could set some boundaries when she comes over? Telling her that the kids can play for about half an hour, an hour, whatever, but then you'll be sending her kids home? While it is nice to share snacks, you shouldn't have to do that all the time either. Can you send the neighbor's children home?
What if you ask her to bring snacks/drinks over for all the kids to share?
Good luck.
Why would it be rude to tell this terribly rude neighbor that it is time for her, or her kids, to go home? You're letting her walk all over you and your life. Speak up for yourself and your kids. All you have to say is, "It's time to go!" to the kids or to her. That's not rude, it's necessary and honest. Pretending you don't mind her taking over your house, yard and life is dishonest and will only lead to you being taken advantage of even more. When they come over you need to set a departure time, and if they come at a bad time you need to say it is a bad time. If you make it clear that you still want the kids to play together, just within some limits, it will be fine. It would not be starting something out of nothing. Coming over unannounced is something, as is staying for meals without any discussion or invitation.
Good fences make good neighbors.
Hi M.,
I think that you should just be honest with your neighbor. She may not realize that she is encroaching on your space. I think that you will feel better knowing it is out in the open and she should respect your feelings on the issues.
We have neighbors whose yard everyone seems to gather in. I try to be careful not to overstay or assume that my kids and I are welcome, but it's helpful to get the verbal cues for everyone. I think it would be a bit much for me to have 8 or 10 kids in my yard, but they seem to be OK with it.
I don't see how a fence would make any difference, really (plus, a nice privacy fence costs $thousands or tens of thousands!) I think the other posters are right and you need to be very clear. "I think we're going to have some family time now, but how about if you come back at 4:30 and play until dinnertime at 5:00?" "I don't have enough snacks to share today - how about if you go to your house to get some and come back to play tomorrow?" "It won't work for us to have company today - can my kids come to your house tomorrow?"
Which reminds me that I was wondering if you send your kids over to her house sometimes? It could work out to a very nice reciprocal child care situation. It doesn't sound to me like she's trying to take advantage, especially since she's staying with the children. It seems more like she just wants the company and isn't good at taking hints. You might encourage her to call before coming over - if she pops into the yard, say, "this isn't a great time for us, but can you call me tomorrow to set up a playdate?" Then it becomes a little more formal.
Right now it may be more than you want, but I do think that if you can share childcare it can be a good thing, and as the kids get older they will play without your intervention, go to the park together, etc., which will be very nice. It's very handy for emergencies and so on to have people who live close to you and know your children. Good luck!
Plant a nice dogwood hedge
The longer you allow this situation to occur, the more resentful you will become. Although you don't want to be rude, you have judgment regarding her behavior. You also have a right to create and hold up your boundaries.
Honesty is really the best policy. Checking first that you are in your truth, and not from an angry place but a compassionate one, tell her about your boundaries.
If she pops over and it is meal time or you are expecting guests, let her know that she is welcome to visit for a few minutes but that you are getting ready to "spend some quality one on one time with your friends or kids".
She may be overstaying her welcome but you need to speak up about what your boundaries are and how you want your relationships to develop. Be real and she will appreciate you more and your relationship can flourish on even ground.
Wish I could help you. We had neighbors like that once. They also had an unwanted dog. The dog would visit with us, too. I was terrified. I had just had a new baby. So we got a gigantic fence that cost a ton of money so they couldn't see when we are home, so to top that they built a deck that was higher than our eight foot fence (now that's nosey) SO We moved. Short of saying you have some terribly contagious disease it's a tough one. I am anxious to find out myself. Is it possible to just talk like all those squeaky happy people do and say "Wow, can you come back later this is our only private time since little booboo caught berry, berry or something? Just a thought. I don't want you to have to move. There are inappropriate people everywhere...
touchy situation, put up a stockyard fence and tell her your getting a dog...maybe even a pitbull...LOL
Good luck!
Hi M.,
I don't like the suggestion of a privacy fence-- 6-foot fences separate our worlds into little boxes where we never see or talk with our neighbors. In Dallas, that's the way it is, and people hardly ever talk with their neighbors or even know who their neighbors are!
I've had acquaintances like that, who never can take a hint that the night is over and it's time to go home. My husband has even gone up to bed and I'm standing there talking with this guy.
I think it would be better if you can just say to your neighbor, "Well, thanks for stopping by, but we're going to have some 'family time' now. Sometimes we just need some time for ourselves...you understand." When your guests arrive, turn to your neighbor or kids and say, "Well our special guests are here. I'm glad you stoppped by. Maybe we'll see you later this week. Bye!"
I like the suggestion of setting time limits-- that's what we do with our next-door neighbors-- 30 minutes, an hour-- just so the other family has a timeframe to work with.
I think verbal cues like that would work, but if not then a good old-fashioned honest talk would be much better than slapping up a privacy fence. I don't think you're making something out of nothing, but a good talk would probably take care of everything.
Hi M.,
I've had issues with this myself when I've had playdates at my house. But it was my fault because I didn't set a time for departure. When I had this particular person over in the future, I would be sure to set a time so she would know that at such and such a time it would be time for them to leave. And when the time was getting close I said, "Ok guys 15 more minutes and then its time to clean up." I'd be talking to the kids, but ya know- talking loud enough for her to hear as well.
For your situation I would suggest setting up a specific playdate with her for one day of the week, or a few days a week but within a specific time frame. This lets her know in a nice, but firm way when she can feel free to pop by. This way your setting a boundary without having to cause conflict. I hope that helps!
blessings,
J.
