Setting "Boundaries" with New Neighbors, Ugh

Make sure the moms are home and bring them a cake or some homemade cookies. Welcome them to the neighborhood. After various pleasantries you can say something like, "I don't want to make your kids feel bad, but sometimes when we are in the back yard, we are enjoying family time. So don't be surprised if we tell your children to leave or that they can't play. I also would appreciate it if your kids would come to our front door if they want to play in the yard instead of hopping the fence. I don't want them to get hurt and I need to know who is in the back yard. If they can't or won't do this, they can't come over and play. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel about it. "

I don't think you need to be a prisoner in your own house. Stick to your rules. Just be matter of fact about it. If you don't want the kids in the back yard, tell them to leave. Put a lock on the back gate. Electrify the fence if nothing else works - just kidding!

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Sounds like you'll need to talk to the moms about setting up some ground rules for all the kids - no hopping fences, no wandering into each others' yards, visits are for certain times of day, etc.

And I'm sure the neighbor boy, new to the neighborhood, sees your daughter, your toys and your dog and assumes they are instant cures for his boredom!

Then all the parents can meet with the kids to present the new rules, so there's no question about who said what. You might even want to have a sign in your window that's green when kids are welcome, and red when they aren't.

I remember as a kid during summer in the suburbs, we just ran from yard to yard to yard, with no thought about boundaries.

If these renters are short-timers, you will have to start all over again with the next batch... but if they're here to stay, it'll be worth it to set up some ground rules on when other kids can visit unannounced.

Hello,

I was thinking that you guys do need to go over to your neighbor's house, sit down with them, and let them know exactly what your boundaries are. I think you mentioned that your hubby had kind of mentioned something about talking to the boy's mother, and it sounds like she doesn't get it. Obviously! If you want them to comply with your boundaries, they need to know exactly what your boundaries are.

I totally feel for you! I used to live in an apartment, and we had neighbors who did not understand that my house was not their house. I had to talk to their mother, and it was uncomfortable, but I knew I could not get mad until she stepped over the line that I had clearly drawn. Lucky for me, she was just unaware that her children were being so invasive, and she put a stop to it.

If, after you've communicated the problem to your neighbor, they still continue to ignore your wish, you have a right to take more drastic measures. As far as what those measures are, I'm not sure. Every case is different. You may even have to get the police involved, although I hope not. I can't stand people who have boundary issues! I'm a fairly private person, and I don't like people getting in my bubble. This may be an uncomfortable situation, but for your peace of mind, you know what you have to do. Good luck : )

K.

Since they are renters plus you live in a neighborhood with an HOA, your best recourse is going to be to start with the landlords, and then go to the HOA if the landlords don't address the issue. I would only do that if talking to them and setting rules doesn't work though. You had lots of great suggestions how to talk to them, I think Julie's idea is good. Then give it some time to let the newness wear off. If at that point nothing has changed, you at least have another option to get the problem dealt with. I wouldn't be too quick to judge that they are going to be completely awful, but you are probably right that setting the boundaries is going to be tough at first. There are lots of reasons not to preschool, or to have problems with the preschool, he might be a completely normal kid. It sounds pretty normal to me for a rambunctious 5 yr old boy. Not polite, but normal. And moving day isn't the best time to set up rules. Let things settle for a few days, then go over there and have a friendly chat with them. It might take a few conversations, but I am pretty sure that they aren't going to want to have neighbor problems since they are renters and won't have a lot of say if the situation gets unfriendly. Just be friendly but firm, and give it some time.

Quite possibly the novelty will wear off and they won't be peering into your yard all the time. When the boy is on the fence say, "Honey, get OFF the fence, and don't get on it again," very sternly. When he climbs the fence to get into your yard, escort him back OVER the fence, and say, "Honey, you are not climbing over the fence again. Go to the front door and knock." Them make him do that, and when he's at the door, say, "Good job, honey, that's how I want you to enter our house. Please come in."

After that, you will have to set your boundaries when you aren't in the mood for company. You may find it's nice to have a playmate next door after you get used to this, and you may have the mixed blessing of being a bit of a surrogate parent to this kid, depending on how the parents turn out to be.

I think it will work itself out. As for plants to plant, I have found acacias grow like weeds, and make great fences and have pretty flowers. They use them on freeways a lot. (At least I think they're acacias -- they are on the freeway in So. Cal. a lot, so you should know what I'm referring to. We had some in our yard here, and they would turn from a shrub into a tree size in a few months.)

Wow can I sympathize, my situation is we have NO fence and all the duplex's have yards that are open to each other, I get to deal with neighbors animals that come Piddle and poop on "my side" as well as the neighborhood kids that come over any time they want because we have kid stuff in the back yard. The first thing I would try would be to go talk to the parents and secondly if that didn't work you just have to be firm...if your daughter doesn't want to play and you want to be in the backyard sans extra's, send them on their way and then ignore them, they will eventually get bored. If after talking to the parents nothing changes, I would take it up with the landlord. Lots of luck!

Ok, I can completely understand that you would want some privacy. Who doesn't. Most of your concerns will probably work out ask you go along. Sometimes the newness of a situation makes it annoying.

Your last few comments are just annoying though. Lots of people choose not to send their kids to preschool. If the kids are rough, then use it as a lesson in how to love everyone. Don't make a rush judgement.

Practice saying NO and meaning it. There is nothing you can do (other than closing you shades) to keep people from looking at and into your property, but you can certainly ask them to leave or tell them that they are not welcome at a specific time.

You have already addressed the fence climbing - just keep on it. Get a padlock for the back gate to secure it. You could even design a sign that tells kids who can't read yet, whether visitors are invited at a certain time or not.

If you have a patio and feel your privacy is intruded upon, consider a non permanent structure, such as a gazebo or a sunshade with a closed side if your HOA rules permit this.

Yes, you will be sending a message, but the is exactly what you want. I bet as everyone gets settled the curiosity will wane and you can all move on with your activities.

Good luck!

I really like what Julie wrote, sweet'in them up and then lay down the rules. There is nothing wrong with wanting your privacy and respect. Being upfront will let them know where you stand.
Good Luck!

Hmmm. I would say that you will have to have a talk with the moms over there. And tell them everything you said in your post about the kids sitting on the fence, coming over without asking, coming through the gate, let her know about your dog. Maybe even tell her you'd hate for your dog to bite?? If a stranger just hops the fence or comes in the gate unexpectedly. And to be honest, that could happen. Then, guess who would get sued. That's right ... You. I understand about nosy neighbor kids (lol) and to be honest, I just had to be stern with them and say Jaidens not playing today sorry! Or, we're having family time sorry! Or just "not today sorry!" .. LOL they don't need an explanation from you really. It's your house and your decision. But like I said...... go talk to the neighbors. It might be awkward but.. ya know. what are you gonna do? Be miserable in your own yard/ house? Not me!

You have some great answers here! And I don't find your last mention of preschool annoying. I see you are near where I live and preschool is the norm here, too. Not sure about the rest of the country; but I don't know any pre-school age kids who DON'T attend preschool. Good luck! Get those screening plants up!

i can understand crappy neighbors, trust me ive had my share.
definitely let them know how you feel in a tactful way, keep letting them know.

definitely do not be so judgmental (because it sounds like you dont know them well enough) i know its hard but you have to try!

invite them over for dinner or lunch. try to be a friend to them, they probably need it. if you are so cautious because you dont know your neighbors, that is your own fault and you should fix that.

also, ive sent my kids to preschool, but not everyone can afford it or ops for it even if they can. i know a LOT of moms who do home preschool with their kids.

You do not have to asociate with the people you do not like. I had kids in a neighborhood like that. Coming uninvited, playing rough, etc. Just be firm, get out there right away and the the child: "please leave", add whatever you want, but not go into explanations....more exuses - more room for negotiations. And stand your ground. I only had to do it twice to get rid of one kid. He got the point.

You have gotten great advice from everyone but I do want to add something about Preschool. For many people it is the "norm" and I think you do have an issue with that b/c it goes against what you think should be done. I had my daughter in one preschool and took her out almost immediately and did use the same wording as this little boys mom b/c I did not want to bad mouth the school as alot of people thought they were wonderful. I did not as they left my daughter outside alone twice and then told me she had behaviour problems (which when she got to a new school never happened) so YES it was a problem with the school not my child.

I think that you have some personal space/privacy concerns/issues (i hate that word as it sounds negative, i am not trying to be negative) that you are going to have to deal with, especially since this is a rental property. You will just have to set boundries and rules and this would have been needed even if the house was sold to a family with a young child and not just a rental. You do seem to already be a bit judgemental and it maybe that the situation is frustrating and you are not sure how to handle it.

Wow that its a real problem. It looks like you got alot of great suggestions. I hope things work out for you and your family. J.