Switching Responsibility?

We did this after several years of marriage. He pays the bills once every two week. I am in charge of watching out for good CD rates, better banking opportunities and the taxes. It has worked for us. But I think we would have done even better if we had gone all cash. I have friends who do this and there are no disagreements. They follow the principles in Dave Ramsey's books.

We tried it and I couldn't deal with it. I paid the bills and he wanted to know where the money was going so I handed everything over to him. He did fine with it, but I couldn't deal with it. I was always stressing that something was going to be missed or not paid on time. It was my issue not his. He never missed a payment I think I just missed the control.

I took it back because I couldn't deal with it. He just let's me handle everything and if I say we can't do it, he doesn't question, he knows we are both on the same page when it comes to money.

My husband has kind of taken over paying the bills, and truth-be-told, he's better at it than I am! He's the kind of guy who knows what bills come on which day of the month....me? Not so much.

Usually in a marriage there is O. money "nerd" (him) and O. "free spirit" (me) and it's generally a good idea to let the nerd pay the bills.

I think the key is a published, "visible" budget--not so much *who* pays the bills......so if your husband is responsible with money overall, I think it might be good for him to see where & how it goes.
Now if he's irresponsible and blows money left and right, I think you'd be asking for trouble....depends on him.

I was the bill-payer for years and years. My husband was more of the grasshopper to my ant, I guess. A couple of years back we agreed that he'd take over. For us, it's worked very, very well. He's more diligent than I about paying bills on time and now he doesn't ignore me when I tell him we need to be careful about casual spending. He also understands better that we can't always pay off the entire year's car insurance bill in two months, how much day-to-day stuff actually costs, and a great deal more.

Be prepared, though, to bite your tongue and let him do the job -- that was the hardest part for me. I needed to get over that my way of doing the job was not his way -- and that there isn't one right way to get it done. He's a miserable filer & record keeper so I try to "help" with that part. Yes, there may be a couple of months of bounced checks and craziness. You are the only one who can determine whether or not you're willing to let him learn the ropes. Sometimes, experience is the best teacher. For us, I needed to swallow that a controlling wife is a nag, not a partner.

You might want to set up, say, a 4 or 6 month trial run, with the agreement that you'll re-evaluate at the end of that time. My husband has tried to give the job back to me a few times, but he has become so much more disciplined at it than I was that I won't take it back!

Good luck at finding what works for your family.

Funny! We just did this a few months ago. It has been VERY hard on me but pretty of good for our marriage. My husband and I have been married a little over 10 years and I've always handled the finances. The last couple of years we've been fighting a lot over finances. I got sick of him telling me I wasn't doing a good job and finally said fine, you do it. He didn't want it either but he took it.

I had us already set up on a budget when I handed things over to him. I get a set amount of cash every pay day (every other Friday) for groceries. That is generally enough for me to buy groceries and have a few fast-food playdates for me and my youngest (or spend a little on myself) so I don't have to ask permission. I also had the bills set up on a reasonable schedule so all he has to do is follow it and they all get paid. He's freaked out on me a little over Christmas presents and extra food to feed HIS family for the holidays but once I spell it out for him, he lays off, and I think the reality is sinking in. He is starting to see where the money goes and that it is legitimate, and that I'm not going overboard anywhere. I handed things over I think the beginning of October.

He would whine about where our money went and blow me off when I tried to save money by turning off lights and such. He just didn't get it. And he always thought he should be able to go and spend wherever and whenever he wanted. It has definitely opened his eyes, and I just have to step back and trust him. I have to keep my hands off of it totally or it stresses me out. He hasn't bounced any checks or anything. I think our savings has suffered some, and we now have a little bit of credit card debt (after being debt free for 6 years :-( ), but just a couple days ago he said he was ready to get back on track. I HIGHLY recommend it. Like I said I think it has been very good for our marriage. It has made him understand that I'm not the bad guy and sometimes saving in little easy ways (like on the lights, or combining trips and saving gas in his gas guzzler) makes sense so we have money for fun things, or even just have money to put away. It has definitely kept us from fighting about money. He knows how I feel about things so what is the point of harping on it? He also knows that my way has worked well for years. He's a smart man and frankly, he's the one that makes the money in our house. We aren't starving and we have what we need. If it helps our marriage to give up some control and let him make some mistakes, it is worth it.

To address working together to create the budget - I would make it, hubby would look at it and go "yeah, yeah, whatever you say, I trust you" but not get the reality of it or really think about it (he would need new contacts or tires on the truck, or 100 other things that were legit but he didn't tell me about in advance or think to put in the budget - every time I would get one thing down and budget for it, he'd hit me with another one. So, the "working together" thing didn't really work for us because he wouldn't put any thought into it). I say go for it, and if things go downhill fast you can always take it back. To me, it's worth the risk of having to clean up a few messes if it keeps us from fighting.

oh man...I totally have given the bills over to my husband. You know what happened? Our lights got turned off because he forgot to pay the bill. Two DAYS before Christmas! Boy was I pissed off. I had a 3 month old and a 3 year old that I promptly threw in the bath so they would still have warm water while I bathed them by candlelight and my 3 year old asked me if we were going to die. I WAS SO MAD!!!
So, I was back in charge of the bills for another 7 years and then just a couple of months ago I told my husband that I was tired of being the "heavy" and always telling him "no" when he wants to buy things. I showed him the bills and told him how much everything was and told him that I was DONE!! we were having the same exact conversations you and your husband were having. He wanted to buy things and I knew that we didn't have the money or budget for it. Man, he hates being in charge of bills. I kind of hate it too because I know what is due and when and get on him when it doesn't happen.
So far ALL of our bills have been late and threatened to be shut off. EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF THEM. It's so so so so frustrating. I don't answer the phone and I don't check the mail. We always pay them, but at the VERY LAST MINUTE! GAH! Why can't he just do it when we get the bill???
Then...we went out Christmas shopping and THAT was a nightmare. He wants to buy everyone under the sun something and I know that we just can't afford it. I spent $50 on him...that's it! So, I told him that next year I want him to take $20 out of every paycheck (he gets paid every week) and put it aside. Then when the holidays come around again next year he will have $800 or more to throw around.
My suggestion if you start this is to do everything in CASH. That way you never have to worry about bounced checks. It is kind of a pain in the butt in the beginning, but then you know where all of your money is going. Once the cash runs out you don't get to spend anymore.
Good luck...
L.

both my husband and i have taken our turns being responsible for the bills so i guess i am "allowed" to answer your question. even though from the first sentance i felt you sounded bitter, angry, and rude.

neither of us was perfect at it. in january we are starting dave ramsey's financial peace university. we're both excited.

what helped us most, however, was counselling. now neither of us blame the other for financial stresses or when things go "wrong" with the bank account (or whatever life throws at us). and we both feel "free" to look at the account, and ask honestly, if there's something we'd like to spend money on, without fear of recrimination or judgment. so again, what worked for us, was counselling, rather than handing it back and forth stating, "if i'm so terrible at it, YOU do it. and see how much better YOU do!" i am sure you wrote this in a fit of frustration so hence the angry tone, but you asked so i'm sharing. imo you guys could probably use a third party to step in and remind you that you're on the same team.

I had an accountant when I was single (I can do many things extraordinarily well, but paying bills on time is NOT one of them, and I know it). When my husband and I got together / merged finances HE took over all the bills.

I've missed my accountant for 10 years.

Why?

He periodically gets all lordy (not saying you are!!! Just MY story with HIM) about how I "should" be able to do x, y, z... just because it's easy for him. It's NOT easy for me. I'm not stupid, but people are good at different things. Paying bills was easy for him (a pain in the neck, to be sure, it always is is my understanding), so he'd periodically try to "make" me do the bills.

Well, THAT'S easy. Time to find a new accountant. Hilarity did not ensue. He physically wanted ME to do it. Nope. Huh-uh. Not gonna happen. I know what happens when I pay bills myself. Late fees up the wazoo, messed up credit, some things in collections, and other things shut off.

HERE'S WHAT DID HELP.

We went to a cash only system, and the system was 100% equal.

Meaning... every pay period we EACH got the same amount of money. This money was for ALL personal expenditures. Hair, clothes, restaurants, gym memberships, subscriptions.... those are personal things. HE could pay for the gym (which he liked) I could save mine up and do snowboarding instead (the cost for an entire season of snowboarding is about $50 a month saved over the rest of the year... the same as his gym membership). Either of us could go out to lunch whenever we wanted (assuming we still had the cash available), boys/girls nights, whatever. WITH NO ACRIMONY. Because we had the same amount.

Here's how it worked:

We separated out ALL our bills (mortgage, utilities, etc.) and separated those from personal bills (subscriptions, etc.), and separated out the grocery budget, our son's budget (clothes, school stuff, etc.)

At each pay period WE were paid first. We got our personal money. Which wasn't a lot. Then we pulled out our food money. Then we paid all our bills. Whatever was left over was family money. And NOT to be touched, not a single dollar of it, without consulting with the other person. Sacrosanct.

Converting to a cash system was hard on my HUSBAND at first. Even though he paid the bills, he was used to free access to the rest of it. He was used to buying lunch at work every day for $10. Not a lot, right? Well... in a 2 week pay period, that's $200. Then he'd be spending an average of $40 a day. Um. That's $560. Nickle and dimed charges that add up. THEN there were the "big" purchases (a few hundred here, a few hundred there).

What we could afford when we started this was $100 each, every 2 weeks. So going from a bare min of over $800 a month, to $200 a month was reeeeeeally hard on him. Granted, it was gravy for me, because I hadn't had that much to spend on myself in YEARS.

It took a few months to get the kinks out of the system (aka to get used to having a finite amount of cash on hand)... but after that? Well there were MANY problems in our marriage... but money wasn't one of them.

He (until very recently) STILL gets all lordy about being the one paying the bills... but day to day money stuff? Not a problem. We each have the same.

Don't do it!!! The bounced checks will drive you nuts!!!! What he will do is forget a bill, a big one, not the mortgage but probably a car payment or insurance. They he will proclaim see, I found mad money. Then when he realizes his error throw it all back on your lap to tie up the loose ends.

So not worth it.

Just give him a small mad money budget and tell him to suck it up!

I am assuming he is a part of creating the budget mind you....

WOW. I tried this with husband number 1. I was shocked to know checks can bounce twice at our bank, plus at the store. I took control back fast.

I did make him(he was a wus) go to counseling and to a credit counselor. The lady told us to take bankrupty and then the lawyer told us to increase income and quit tithing and eating out.

He too was whiney about no money so I told him to get a 2nd job. He quit that soon. He never learned. I divorce him for many reasons, but I hated his crybaby poor me routine.

I never could afford to teach him a lesson financially. I woud not risk your credit rating.

That is us exactly! What we did was sit down together and work out a budget. We'd put in every cost and what we spend on excel and put it on our desk top of our computer. That way whenever he wanted to spend money, he could look himself to see where things stood for us financially. I still do the money but he's very informed. It really, really helped him to stop spending. lol Good luck! =)

We did switch and I kept getting late notices in the mail. He was horrible at it. He did come up with a good check list for me to use. He gave back the responsiblity, and I discuss what I think we should do a few days before pay day. If he thinks we should do something different he lets me know. He also asked that I give him an allowance. For now it is $20 a pay period. He just wants the money for lunches and a few small things every now and again.

He does get bummed when I say we dont have enough. Sometimes I have to say only put $10 in gas till thursday. But I really feel like it works out better for me to do it. Maybe if you give him a cash allowance he might not over spend.

I'm sort of in the same boat; I think most women are more worried about money than most men -- we have a "security gland" that men seem to be lacking. ;-)

But I don't think the answer is either that the financial responsibility should rest entirely on you *or* on him. I'm working on trying to get my husband to share responsibility, but it's hard. I'd like to do the Dave Ramsey program [http://www.daveramsey.com], but my husband looks at him as the enemy, so I'm trying a different tactic. However, Dave Ramsey is right, so I'm trying to incorporate some of his strategies without naming him as the source. :-) Among other things he says, is that in most relationships there is a "free spirit" and a "nerd" [i.e., one who is better with numbers than the other], as well as a spender vs. saver. In my case (as in many relationships), I'm the saver/nerd and my husband is the spender/free spirit; but any combination can exist, including the nerd/spender and saver/free spirit (Dave says that he and his wife are this way -- he has had the tendency to be the big spender, even though he's the financial geek; while his wife is frugal and careful with money [even as a millionaire, she washes and reuses Ziplock bags], though she doesn't like to deal with numbers).

What I'm going to be doing is asking my husband what *his* financial goals for our family are, and how *he thinks* we can reach them. I have made up a monthly budget of our typical expenses, so that he knows how much we spend on things as a baseline [he has the tendency to forget that we need to pay things like car insurance, cell phone and internet connection; or he'll figure that our "average monthly income" includes his working extra (when he usually doesn't), so thinks we have more "extra" money than we do]. Unfortunately, he tends to look at it and say, "Okay, as long as we stick to that budget we'll have X dollars to pay off bills", but then he won't stick to the budget. He'll use the extra to buy little things here and there, or decide that we should go out to eat, etc., not counting that they do actually add up; and then he gets frustrated that the bills aren't being paid down as quickly as he'd like.

I need to do a better job at accounting [I did it in the past, but it didn't seem to be helping, and in fact seemed to be hurting because I was going overboard], so that I can show him exactly what I'm spending -- no, strike that -- what *we're* spending every month, and that I'm not going over budget (leaving him to interpret that it must be he that is messing up). It's tough, though, because he's the sole breadwinner, and I'm the primary "spender", because I pay the bills and buy the groceries, while he buys "little things" like this book or that book (that add up to $100 a month, sometimes).

Sorry for the long rant, but I'm working through the same things you are, and I'm hoping to set off his "responsibility" gene -- not by making him the sole person in charge of finances, but by "putting him in charge" by asking him to set the parameters and goals. Here's hoping!

My husband does all the finances. I honestly have no idea how much money we have at a given time. I can easily check and look, but I never do. He manages everything. He likes being the one to do it, but I think he would prefer if we did it together. Have you considered that option? Sit down together whenever it is you do the budget/bills so that you both are on the same page. Decide together what money will go where each month. He obviously should have a voice in the way the money is spent. It shouldn't be all your decision, even if you are the one who is better at it. If he doesn't want to sit with you to do this, spend some time asking him what his desires are with the money. Ask him how he wants it spent. Explain the contraints of the budget, and go from there. It really isn't your decision about who does the bills. It is something you need to decide together. He's not your child. He's your husband.

Sounds like his goals and your goals are not the same.

I have told my sister many many times she needs to sit down with her husband and make out the monthly budget with him. With him having a full say as to what the budget is or isn't. Both have to compromise though so that most of it can be done. Her hubby is Southern Baptist and he wants to pay tithes, offerings that are above the tithing, and give love offerings every time he goes. She is a Jehovah's Witness and does not tithe or give offerings. She thinks giving money to his church is a waste of money for the household and they argue about it all the time.

I have repeatedly told her that their monthly budget needs to have an allowance for him in his own account, in his name only, so that it can be deposited and what every he spends it on is not within her sight, ever. It is his blow money and he can go buy bubble gum if he wants but it is all the money he gets to spend all month. No accountability at all. If he asks for more money the money in the account is not mentioned. It is his money to save or blow as he sees fit.

I would take into consideration that your hubby is spending his $200 per month on his hobbies but gets more at certain times of the year. He needs to have a set amount each month. Not fluctuating.

I would also say that if you do toss in the hat that he MUST deposit a certain amount in your account each month and that money is to be your spending money for you own personal blow money. It is not household money, not for kids clothes, not for food, not for anything but pop or candy if that is what you would choose to blow it on.

My hubby does a pretty bad job of managing the money, I am not on any of his accounts, I have my own at a different bank. His parents are this way and since he is making so many mistakes I am not totally against it anymore.

Making a reasonable budget that allows for other activities and is flexible is often very very hard to do. Post a poster inside a cabinet he often opens, like the cabinet that holds the glasses or snack foods. It should have the budget on it so it is within sight at any time he needs to see it. My friends was on the bathroom wall over the towel bar. Guys are much more visual when it comes to stuff like this.

Get all your acts set up on quickbooks....get your bills (phone/cable/mortgage) set up onto a family credit card that gets paid off every month....no ifs ands or buts....allot necessities like gas/groceries (you really think he'd give you a hard time about buying groceries? What?), give personal allowances for hobbies and activities (hobbies for him, haircuts and gym memberships for you)....

And whatever money is left over, you can use it for your own personal goals (they aren't his....and just because you don't have a hobby, doesn't really mean he should not either), or save it for xmas, or a vacation...whatever....

If you want to give up the responsibility, that's fine. But using an excel spreadsheet is not the way to do it. Get everything set up first in a more strategic way, see if he's on board with it, and then he'll be a little better about doing it himself.

Good luck!!! :)

Sounds like your hubby is kind of a baby about all this... sorry, I just had to say that!

A friend of mine's husband constantly harped on her about how she didn't do a good job paying the bills. She did fine - she just wasn't organized about it. They got paid on time and she didn't have problems. She knew about how much was in the bank and never bounced checks. However, he wanted her to be able to just be able to tell him that a bill was paid, and she could never remember. She'd have to go look it up, and he berated her over and over. She got sick of it and asked him why he didn't just do it.

So he told her that he was going to take over the bill paying, and the first month, he wrote checks on the wrong bank account and bounced a huge number of checks before he opened up the banking statements and realized it. Can you imagine the fees associated with it? He did such a bad job, and the louse tried to blame it on her. I lost touch with her over the years, but I wonder if she is married to that guy anymore.

Anyway, I just want to warn you that if you DO turn over the paying to him, that you watch him like a hawk whether he likes it or not. Make him let you check over him. I really think it's the only way to do what you want him to do - learn what a budget really means, without him driving you into a financial sink hole.

Good luck,
Dawn

if he is down for it i say give it a try. if he isn't than ask him to sit with you and look through the family budget and help you make some tough decisions. As you go through it together, he may get an appreciation for where it all goes. Ask him, so do you want to give up golf or start taking a lunch, where should we cut back? See how quick his tune changes!