Hi D.,
My husband and I have been together for about six years. When we got together, he didn't have to be responsible with money because he was still living at home, while I had been out on my own a while... We had a few years of me and my credit having to accomodate for his lack thereof, to put it mildly. He worked hard and has done well with being a provider, but the handling of money has been a gradual issue.
But he did really want to be better. He had never even balanced his checkbook, which blew my mind. Since then we've had moments where money was better and moments where I've had to juggle bills creatively and sometimes rob Peter to pay Paul... At least until Peter got really mad about it. :-)
Now, he's on the road more with his job, so I do have to take care of them primarily, but when he's home or has been home more, I either let him pay them or at least give him some to pay. He says that he'll feel more confident about paying bills when we're not juggling things, but to me, you've got to know how to "play the game" when funds are more challenging before you can know better how to handle them when times are better.
The other side, that I firmly believe in, is that, God forbid, should anything ever happen to one of us, the other has to feel like the surviving spouse would be able to handle things. So, that's the approach I've taken with him. It has been slow, and he still wouldn't be up to handling the bills by himself, but he's more confident now, and I'm a little bit more so too.
But he still has a ways to go. Much of my husband's issues is learning to problem solve. He's gotten much better about the value of money since we'd taken such a hit on financial issues early in our marriage. I think his pride suffered a bit, so he's really tried in the last several years.
About the separate bank accounts... I grew up through several divorces of my parents and eventually saw more separate accounts than joint accounts within unions. My husband's parents had never divorced, so we did the joint thing (like his parents did), and I've gone along with that one since he considered it a trust issue, not really understanding the mindset behind two accounts. However, I think the fact that I do the bills is what gives me the satisfaction of knowing what's happening. I don't think I would ever give that up totally to any man, at least the knowledge of what's happening. He can sit down and write checks regardless.
The other issue though may be credit. We both sit down and go over our credit once a year. By keeping an eye on credit reports and the checking account situation, it's easier to keep an eye on things that you could have to suffer the consequences of each other's actions for.
Given that he's not as responsible as you, I wouldn't hand him the reins, but he can watch the kids while you organize what needs to get paid and then he can pay it. No matter what... I wouldn't let him escape this, your kids could be the ones to suffer for it should you ever get really sick or not be around.
It's about his own self-worth too. Managing money is also about managing your own value. Your work, talent, and skills translate to those dollar figures you take care of... And how it's spent or taken care of reflects the things you value, or don't value.
I'm also a stickler about documentation. I keep all documents from paid bills, noting the date, check no., and amount that was paid. We do this for tax purposes since I work from home.
No, you don't need an attitude adjustment. He needs to be the man you know he is. This isn't a fair thing to you or your kids, with regard to time or money. He sounds like a good guy, so maybe it's just a perspective change that he needs?
I hope that helped...
L.