SWH Added. Not Sure How to Handle This. Help, Please!

Nothing is wrong with the role playing. This is a great way for her to learn to stand up for herself. I had boys but my friends had girls and they start that stuff early don't they? If Rose is always controlling, I'd probably try to limit the time with her as much as possible. Poor thing is not even 4 and she's dealing with this? Sheesh!

I think role playing is great. She's at that age where other kids can be over bearing and bossy so she'll need to know how to use her words to stand up for what she wants. A lot of times they just don't know what to say and go along with the bossy kiddo.You can help her see that Rose isn't the boss of the games and she doesn't get to include or exclude anyone. If she does then your daughter needs to have the strength to play with Heather alone or make her own 'family' at school.

Having said that it's also ok for her to not play family with the girls in her class. The more kids she plays with the more opportunity she has to learn other personalities and practice those interpersonal skills that she'll need her entire life.

Your daughter is learning about life and how words can manipulate people and hurt people.

They are FOUR. I'd tell my daughter that life is up and down and people come and go. People use words that can hurt or help. Rose is trying to hurt. She can either deal with her head on and say enough or she can choose to ignore.

You can give her the tools to either engage or ignore. It's OKAY to make new friends. It's OKAY to change things up and explore new things and people.

Rose is NOT the boss. She can choose to be assertive or passive. Either way. Give her the tools for this life lesson. Continue role playing with her.

I had to do a double-take at your daughter's age when I read your questions, "Do I talk to her teachers? Do I leave it alone and let my daughter deal with it, etc?" Not wanting to insulate her from tough situations and conflicts?

Your child is 3 1/2. She's not 8 or 9. You are acting like she's a lot older in everything you say.

Please talk to her teachers. Ask for help. Don't leave her on her own with this.

First, it's great that your daughter was able to go to another group of friends and play with them. That shows that she does feel she 'belongs' in her group.

Everyone else said most of what I would say: give the teacher a 'heads up' and then, I'd let it go. Role playing might be helpful, but you also don't want to give this a lot of your attention or she will likely perseverate on it. If Mommy is giving it lots of attention and talking about it, then it must be *really important*. So, keep in mind that she is using some discernment of her own and that's valuable.

If it were me, unless she brought it up in conversation again-- unsolicited, that is, because somethings these things pass quickly--- I'd drop it. Kids sometimes can confuse something that was upsetting a month ago with happening 'today' or 'all the time', so bear in mind that the teacher may be seeing a very different scenario.

If you are doing role-playing, I'd use some dolls for this. Keep it a little removed from her personal self. Try to keep it objective, and take turns back and forth being the one who says "you can't play!" and "Yes, I can. We can all play." Keep it simple. "You aren't the boss of me, Teacher Wendy is." It's juvenile, but so are they. Just remember, no matter how hard this is *for you*, don't get hooked into taking every single thing a child says as gospel. You weren't there in the moment. Kids that age often don't see 'why' other kids might not want to play with them. Many of them are very unaware of the boundaries of other kids, and they all are limited in how they articulate their displeasure.

The exact same thing happened with my daughter in preschool when she was age 4. I encouraged her to play with whoever she wants, to stick up for herself, not to let another girl boss her around, invite different kids to play with her, ignore them, talk to the teacher...I tried so many things. She would cry about it regularly, poor thing. It bothered her the entire school year until she was away from those kids. The teacher's policy was to let kids work it out themselves and that never helped. This year in Kindergarten nothing like this has happened. She plays with lots of different kids. Everyone is friendly. No one tells her no. She has made lots of friends and is happy finally! I am pretty sure it was just the personality of the one or two "bossy" little girls who liked to tell others (not just my daughter) no, you can't play with us. So...that is not good advice for you. All that worked for me was to have my daughter attend a different school around different kids. I sometimes run into one of the moms of one of the bossy girls and this little girl is still having issues with her friendships.

Can you believe this stuff starts in Pre-School?

And yes, this will come up quite often with girls. I always start by briefly validating their feelings ("that's not nice! I would be upset too!") and reiterating the belief that kids should be inclusive and no one should ever be told "no" when playing at school (this is how you reinforce your own family values). Unfortunately not all other kids are taught this or remember to practice it, so then I quickly move on to the problem solving- identifying other kids they like that they can go play with if they get told "no" by someone.

The key is to make them feel empowered to make their own choice about who to play with and not see it as a rejection. Who wants to play with kids who don't like you or are super bossy and controlling? This is a lesson we all learn. If they feel like they have options and it is choice they are making to play with others who are more in line with their own social style, it won't sting as much.

It sounds like what your daughter is doing is very natural- choosing to play with more inclusive kids rather than follow around some drama. Good for her. Not that she can't express sadness about it too, but you want to highlight the choice she is making, not the "injustice" she is experiencing.

Only once did I talk to the teacher when my daughter was in 2nd grade. There was some weird phenomenon of 'private days' that some girls started up, which was a complicated system of who could play with who on which days, that really just excluded people. After agreeing with my daughter that this was a really un-fun way to play (when you are on the wrong end of it) we decided that she would NOT participate in private days, and would play with other friends outside of this circle for awhile. I eventually did tip off the teacher though because it wouldn't die. Mostly because I knew her pretty well at that point and she seemed like the type of teacher who would want to squash that nonsense.

Exactly what Diane D. wrote!

Also, I would give the teacher a "heads-up" that your daughter was upset about the situation. Not that the teacher even needs to get back to you. Just a friendly "I thought you would like to know...." It gives the teacher a chance to observe, re-direct and provide appropriate friendship boundaries for all the children.

2kidsmama, you broke my heart that your child's teacher just let them "work it out". We have adults in children's lives for a reason. I'm not saying they should lecture or punish preschoolers, but rather that it is very much the responsibility of a preschool teacher to teach about healthy friendships and to structure playtime so that children get to choose their own activities.

I also think that role-playing is a good idea. There unfortunately will be a million Roses in her life's pathway.

But I think that another good tool is for a child to learn to evaluate the situation, and think about who's making the rules, and who actually has a right to make the rules.

Examples: They're all playing at Rose's house. Rose's mother says no cookies right now, and Rose says "let's all sneak down and get cookies". Your daughter stops and thinks: who's in charge here? Of course, the mommy. So, no cookie-stealing.

Playground: Teacher or aide is supervising, Rose suggests pushing someone down the slide even though that's just what the teacher said NOT to do (use whatever example is appropriate for your child's school playground). Who's in charge? The teacher or the aide. Not Rose.

Rose's room. Rose says don't touch my American Girl doll because I styled her hair just the way I like it and it took a long time. Your daughter thinks the hair is just awful and Rose has invented the ugliest hair style ever. But who's in charge? Rose. It's her doll.

So, help your daughter see the bigger picture. Rose says to ignore Heather. But you, her own mother, has told her to play nicely with everyone. So whose rules are to be followed? Yours. Not Rose's.

It's that kind of critical thinking, learning to evaluate the situation, that if mastered, will prevent a lot of problems in the future. Should I say yes to this boy because he's pressuring me even though I know my priest/parents/self all say no? Should I try this pill because the head cheerleader says it will finally make me peppy enough to make the team, even though my self/doctor/parents have told me to refuse other people's medications or pills I'm not sure about? Should I cheat on the test even though I know it's wrong and the teacher said to keep your eyes on your own paper and do your own work?

So tell your daughter that Rose can make the rules about things that Rose owns (dolls, bike, etc) and that should be respected. When your daughter is playing in someone's yard or house, the mommy or daddy or grandma is in charge. At school, the teacher/principal/playground supervisor is in charge and their rules are to be followed. When she's just in the neighborhood, maybe chalk drawing on the sidewalk or skipping down the street, your family rules are in charge. Your family rules are: be polite to everyone, don't leave people out, be safe and wear your helmet, don't go further than that street sign or the park or whatever. When she gets older, your daughter will have the ability to clearly evaluate a situation and not be pressured, and will develop a good moral and ethical point-of-view. Eventually, your family's good rules will become her own and she'll be able to make good decisions.

I wouldn't speak to any teacher, and I wouldn't just leave it up to your daughter's discretion. I'd start building a firm foundation within her now, giving her clear guidance since she's only three, role-playing, using simple language. You really can't expect her to have developed a great deal of empathy or social awareness at 3, although this is the time when that kind of stuff starts to sink in. "Oh, so that's why Billy cried. I called him a bad name and even though I didn't hit him, it made him feel sad". For now, help her formulate a perspective that will last for her whole life.

I love your role play idea. I have role played many things like this with my boys - how to stand up to bullies, how to politely tell a (stubborn/bossy) friend you don't like the game they are playing, etc. I usually start by having them be the other kid, and I pretend I'm my child. That way your child can role play the behavior that is troubling to them, and you can demonstrate how to handle it. Then switch roles.

ETA: You asked what else to add. The main one I role played was the ability to look someone straight in the eye and firmly say "Stop! I don't like that."

Yes, it is sad but it starts in preschool and continues even with lady online sites...

My older son's preschool had a great rule...be kind. So, when stuff this popped up, we could ask "is Rose being kind? Would it be kind of you to not play with Heather? How can you be kind to Heather? How can you be kind to Rose?". It's a simple word, but it gets at the underlying concept in a way that little ones can grasp.