Surprise Pregnancy....how Should I Share the News with My Hubby?

My hubby says, "Fix him his favorite dinner...." Guess it's true that the way to a man's heart is through his tummy! :)

There is no way you can share this with your husband that isn't going to make him angry - at least at first. Accept that and try to be supportive of him. You are excited for it (and that I can totally understand) but he will probably not be. Here are some possible reasons: With you being a SAHM, child #5 means more pressure to be a good provider. How will he work hard enough to pay for everything that goes with a baby? Additionally, you're pregnant again which means he has 8-10 more months of emotional roller coaster, a baby waking through the night (making him tired at work), and yet another child that he has to share you with. Instead of trying to find some way to share the news with him that will make him happy about it, share the news with him gently. Tell him that you are apprehensive about sharing this news because you don't think it's something he will be excited about. Ask him to share his feelings about it with you. If you can actually get him to share those feelings, don't judge him.
And if birth control was something you were in charge of (ie - the pill) be prepared for some recriminations.

Be upfront - just hinting around is not ok - that is deceitful. There may not be a gentle way to break this news but do not wait. You already have 4 children together and if the 4th was a surprise and he was angry then he should have taken permanent steps after that - you both should have discussed this then and come to an agreement but it is too late for that now. He has no right to be angry - he is 100% responsible. Definitely not fair to you - its great that you are happy about it and I hope he will be too! Good luck!

Is this less of a surprise for you than it is for him? Why does it seem as though you are taking responsibility for his getting angry?

I know you don't want him to get angry, but you cannot control his response, no matter how you try to manipulate the presentation of the news to him. I agree with the person who said he may feel more upset if he found out you had known for quite some time prior to telling him. The only explanation for that would definitely be a truthful response about his angry reaction making you hesitant about telling him this time.

But obviously this is not something that married couples keep from each other. If you truly are worried about his reaction toward YOU, perhaps you could invite a clergy member or trusted friend to be present when you tell him. Then you can, as others have so wisely advised, immediately discuss where to go after this baby in your family planning so that he feels reassured that there will not be a Baby #6, unless both of you are ready!

Hi M.,

I too am pregnant with an "oops baby" ... also our 5th! :) I'm delighted... hubby was not. :( I too didn't tell him for about a week after finding out where the heck my period was because he was not happy with me being pregnant with baby #4 and almost cried (it was pathetic, really). You must understand it's actually MY baby #3 and his baby #5 (my 2 stepkids live with us too). So for me, it's my 3rd biological child and I wish I could have 4, but since I'm 40, that won't happen. I had been telling my husband to get fixed since the birth of my last baby but he's too squeamish and doesn't want to do it. So I've basically told him birth control is up to him, because i'm ok with more kids and not ok with birth control. So honestly, I have no sympathy for my husband. I broke it to him gently, used humor to diffuse the situation, and then ignored him. Over time, he lightened up and now he's accepting again. Besides, our great news for him was that it's a boy this time and our 2 together were girls. That made a big difference for both of us, especially him (he's such an alpha male). And the baby is truly a mystery (immaculate conception, let me tell ya...) because I was not ovulating when they say I conceived. So I'm literally stumped. He's meant to be, in spite of his daddy's feelings. :) Hang in there, it'll get better once the shock wears off. In 5 years it won't even be an issue! Ha!

Holy cow that is a lot of babies! My husband would react the same way and I would be thrilled too. I have no idea how to prevent an upset angry response. I often thought that I would just keep going along until he figured it out on his own. Who knows, maybe that will keep him calmer rather than you telling him. = ) He may even find that he has figured it out and was hesitant to approach you giving him time to get used to the idea.

Another thought is to throw out weak hints each day until he figures it out. Sneaky, I know but they are the ones that overreact, tell them to get fixed if they want to avoid it in the future. Right?

Congratulations anyways. It is just a beautiful thing to be able to have children.

I agree with Catey. Take him out to dinner or somewhere semi-private, and then tell him straight out. Make sure you mention your love for him and how excited you are to see him be a father again. Be as calm as you can, even if he gets upset (I know it can be hard, especially with pregnancy hormones), and work through it together. You can do this. Congrats on the pregnancy!

Hi M., I was waiting to see your responses. In fact I was anxiously, awaiting your responses. Because I know that all of us or most of us feel that it is as much his slip up as it is yours! I imagine his anger is really worry about the responsibility of one more child and not a personal feeling about you or the baby. So, if he gets angry again try to understand that it is not personal. Remind him that birth control is a mutual responsibility and maybe you can figure out something that works for both of you.
Congratulations! Our one "boo boo" is the joy of my life! GL, K. K.

Make it a 'teaching moment'. If he doesn't want to keep getting surprised he can take a simple action to prevent it in the future. If he was really sure he didn't want more children he would have already done it. Good luck!

Maybe I'm the oddity here....but wouldn't your husband be more upset if he knew that you had known for quite some time and just pretended that you happened to be "not feeling so well" and kept hiding this very important information from him? He is a big boy and knows how this happens, right?

Sit him down and tell him-don't beat around the bush. Find some time for the two of you to be alone (go out to dinner or something if you need to-and actually, being out in public might help!). Get right to the point-tell him you have some news that you need to share with him, that you are afraid he will be upset but that you wanted him to know as soon as possible so that the two of you can work through his feelings together.

Odds are he'll appreciate the fact that you respect him enough to be upfront about it all.

And don't make it a defensive "well if you don't want anymore, you need to do something about it" kind of conversation, but it certainly sounds like if you two aren't on the same page about adding to your family, then like the others have mentioned, some method of prevention needs to be discussed as well!

I realize that maybe a congratulations may not be in order but you can make things as good as you can with a good attitude. You can tell your husband that his surgery needs to be scheduled within the next 7 months, and then you both will have a little time off for recovery. That would be the most practical way to let him know that he can take control over the whole reproductive stand that he has. 5 kids is a lot, and need both parents there to take care of them. You can do it! The whole family can take part and this can be the best experience for all of you. Good luck and be happy!

I think a bandaid approach might be best. Just give him the news now so he's got the next several months to come to terms with it. Make sure the kids are all gone, sit him down & say "I've got some unexpected news to share with you, I'm pregnant". As simple as that. The longer you wait to tell him, the more you're going to work yourself up about it. You already know his reaction & 5 kids certainly does change a lot of things, so the sooner you are able to have it out in the open & not have you carrying a big secret & him wondering what's going on with his wife, the better things will be. I second the prevention-either birth control or a more permanent means. I'd suggest a vasectomy for him if you decide on a permanent solution, it's the easier of the two procedures & his recovery time should be faster than yours would be.
Congratulations!

I think I would freak out with 5! :) I think that the first comment may be the way to go...give hints about not feeling well (even if it is an exaggeration), sick in the morning, bloated, gaining weight, etc. He may suggest that you go to the doctor and get checked out, or he may recognize the symptoms? I really don't know what else to tell you if he was so angry with the last one. I also agree that if he isn't willing to have more kids, he either needs to have a visectomy, or more reliable birth control needs to be implemented.
Good luck, and congratulations.

I don't have advice, BUT...

it seems he has no one to blame but himself...doesn't he know where babies come from?

Buy a pregnant barbie on Ebay and wrap it up and give it to him with a note saying, 'I finally have something in common with Barbie'. That will hopefully bring humor to the conversation and then he can get a vasectomy if he's mad... hello, it takes two. He has NO right to be angry. Nervous or worried? sure, but not angry.