Hi ladies,
If nothing else, I'm hoping someone will have a similar experience so I don't feel like a crazy wife all by myself! My husband travels just about every week, Monday through Thursday. My daughter is 10, so she is busy enough with school and activities that the week goes by fairly quickly and we have lots of family time on the weekend. Here's the problem. Hubby has been feeling a little detached from us lately with all of the work pressure, etc. I'm trying to find ways to keep him connected, but it's not as easy as with little kids where he could read her a book or things like that.
We did get a webcam and do that sometimes. But it seems like we have nothing to talk about on the phone or on the webcam. My daughter runs down her day at school, which is fine. But it seems like all I can think of to talk about is his day, or the things that happened to me- but I know he doesn't want to be in a hotel room hearing me talk about who I ran into at the grocery store!
I just feel like I need something more substantial to do to keep us connected, both him and my daughter, and him and myself. Can anyone relate? Any suggestions?
Being a military wife, I can relate!!! Especially to not knowing what to say to each other. Get him talking as much as you can about his day, and he will feel more connected to you. Boring details about who you ran into at the grocery store are just fine!
I agree that the daily details are what makes a family stay connected, not deep thought provoking conversations. Our family deals with this too, but for MUCH longer stretches. We talk daily and my son is only 2, so I really run out of things to talk about sometimes. When my son was an infant I would jokingly call our calls the Poop Report, because all I had to talk about is my son's bowel movements. lol :) Somedays we don't even do anything as exciting as the grocery store. Part of why I try to stay busy is to have stuff to talk to him about.
What would you be doing if he was home? Most of what I was going to suggest has already been suggested. But one thing we do when we can is watch Survivor together on the phone. It is one show that we like to talk about even while it is going on, so it is fun for us. When he can't get signal to download it, I save them for him and we watch them together when he is home. We do a date night every time he comes home (maybe less often for you since he is home every weekend). Maybe he should set up a monthly date with you, and a monthly or twice monthly ice cream date with your daughter. Just the two of them, while you go get a pedicure or something.
Just make sure he is included in big decisions, that you ask him for advice as much as possible (even if you don't need it) and make him a part of your routine as much as possible. My husband doesn't really get a whole lot of down time when he is home. He can play computer or watch sci fi while he is at work. Home time is family time.
And hold hands. Always. It makes a difference. Good luck, I know how hard it is!
Throughout the day, have a little notepad with you, and when a thought or question come up, write it down. It will start that dialogue you need on your web talks.
I know that when I am on the phone with a friend or relative I haven't seen in forever, I always freeze up and my mind goes blank, even though I really have so many questions or things to say to them. So, keeping a little idea notepad is a great way to keep the thoughts coming when you are talking.
You could play silly little games over the webchat, like 20 questions, go fish, pictionary, charades... something to break up the routine and get talking again.
Also, maybe you guys can read a book together, each read a chapter every few nights, then when you talk, talk about the book and the characters, what you think is going to happen...
Actually, I think that telling him about who you ran into at the grocery store and other "small talk" is EXACTLY what you need to keep you connected. Family connection comes from sharing all of the daily happenings of life. Ask him about his day first and then tell him about your day.
You also might consider a running game of chess or something where each of you has a board set up and you play a few moves together each night. You should be finished with it by Thursday each week. There are a lot of other things you could do together also. Just use your imagination.
With email, cell phones, picture messaging, Facebook (supervised!) and texting it's pretty easy to stay in touch. I know in our house, when my hubby travels, there's nothing really monumental to report other than updates, chit chat, etc. in our nightly conversations.
What I do is keep my son nice & busy, and engaged in other things so the week flies by!
My hubby drove OTR and was gone for weeks at a time. We called regularly and just chatted. Honestly, he DOES want to be in a hotel room hearing about who you ran into at the store because he's talking with you, hearing your voice, and you're telling him about your day. You can also talk about movies and shows either of you have seen (or you saw together), books you've read, or anything like that. When we are together we talk about stuff like that, so it's just fine to talk about it over the phone.
I remember we would call my husband and bedtime and do prayers over the phone. This really helped him feel connected to the kids more. We made things for him while he was gone, that he could take with him afterwards (like, for Valentines Day, I bough heart frames, the kids decorated them and we put pictures in them, then he put them up in his truck). Another thing is that you could have him help your daughter with homework over the phone. This can help him like he's still important and able to do something while he's away.
I can relate because my husband is gone for 3-4 months at a time working overseas. When he does come home it's for two weeks then he goes back. Sometimes I wonder if he finds my life somewhat boring (heck even I do at times) but that doesn't stop me from going over the entire domestic end of the bargain...he tells me about working in a war zone, I tell him about our son's progress in school or the status of my pregnancy. Sometimes if the work is slow he calls me everyday, though usually it's every week or so. If he calls too often then I do run out of stuff to say, but usually he's just calling because he misses usand he wants to hear our voices. When he talks to our son it's brief...maybe only a few minutes long if that, but he tries to stay connected.
When your husband comes home do a lot of family activities...and always eat at the table. Bowling is fun and swimming. Hikes and walks or renting a boat at the lake...anything that'll give you three the time to reconnect will work.
Don't worry about long conversations on the phone w/ him, just catch up on what you can over the long weekend. Schedule some time alone w/ him yourself. My husband and I used to get a luxury hotel room the first or second night of his leave, we'd have a really nice dinner out then go back there...it was a very nice way to reconnect. He'd also take time to do one on one things with our son.
It's not easy, trust me I know. It does take effort, but it's worth it. :)
He can read your little girl a story on the web cam before bed, make sure she has a copy of the book to follow along. (Id get the books from the library) and then later you can use the web cam to "wink wink"
Can they do a back and forth blog? They might not have much to talk about, in the here an now, but can they tell each other stories with pictures on a blog... one writes one night while the other reads and writes a response, then they switch. Dad could tell her his favorite memories of her growing up, and she could tell dad about what she wants to be or places she'd like to go or her favorite memories of dad? Keeps them connected, in a different kind of way. All three of you could even take turns!
I think the everyday talk is great. It's what you'd do if he were home for dinner, isn't it? Those everyday things are the things that keep you connected. Then it's not overwhelming when he gets home, if it's been a tough week.
I see it's already been suggested, but I think playing a game together is great. Any game that can be left set up is fine.
Maybe call a bit later the night before he comes home wearing something a bit sexier. Let him know you've been missing him.
If your budget allows, you might send him a gift, now and then, to arrive early in the week for him. Either something in the mail, or if he is different places often, a fruit bouquet, etc. Or put letters in his bag, one for each day. Something I did once when my husband was going to be gone for a while, I made a batch of his favorite brownies for him to take with him. Also sent them once with a buddy who was going on a longer trip, to give to him later in the trip.
Have fun figuring out new things. :)
Does your daughter have a cell phone and does she text?
My sister used to live right down the street and was pretty involved with my daughter (now 9). She moved last Thanksgiving to NYC. One of the ways she and my sister have stayed close is that my daughter will text my sister when stuff happens (and vice versa). At first I had to remind my daughter "hey, Aunt might want to know about that". but last night we were at the art fair at school and my daughter texted her aunt 'we are at the art fair' took a pic of one of her drawings and sent it to her!
I have had the same problems and my husband is home every night. I talked to my husband and he said believe it or not he wants to here about my day, even about folding laundry and finding a parking space. It is different than his day and it keeps him connected to our family. Of course we always share the kid stories, but as boring as you think your day was he probably wants to hear it because he loves you that much! Also make sure you have dates when he is home for the entire family, you and him alone as well as him and his daughter.
My hubby has been on the road regularly for 20 yrs. Most of the time it is 1-2 nights a week, sometimes more.
Daughter (now 15) and I had and still have our routine and he feels like he is messing things up when he comes home because we have our own schedule. He has never ever missed anything she is involved in with her cheerleading, orchestra, honors recognition at school functions.
Our daughter got her first cell phone around 9-10yr old. He made it clear that she could call or text him anytime for any reason. She still texts him regularly when something happens at school, she has news for him or just to say hi.
As for me, we are connected throughout the day because we own the company and we are doing business. together. I manage all travel arrangements, books, scheduling deliveries, etc. We do a LOT of texting, we yahoo im and a lot of emails on a daily basis. We probably do not go more than 1 hour without some sort of communication. Granted....if we were not BOTH working together, it would not be as much.
We do have webcams and we chat online a lot but we don't use it very often. Sometimes we'll do that to spice up the day.
I put little notes in his suitcase (inside shoes, inside the dry cleaner wrap so when he opens his shirt it falls out, etc) that say thank you and how much we appreciate his hard work to provide us with the very nice life we have.
Hang in there.
I see reading together has been mentioned. I was totally inspired by the following cute story from the March 21 New York Times. My family has started a reading 'streak' of our own, and daddy has joined a couple of times from business trips. I think it is great to have a tradition of daily togetherness that is short but completely inviolable (not to be missed if it can be helped at all). My 10 year old DD is really excited about it.
"A single father turns shared reading into a shared language and tradition with his daughter."
I can relate. My husband and I started out with a long distance relationship and talked about everything. I travel for work still, and our conversations have gotten mundane. A little of the what our days have been, our kids' day, and goodnight. We used to talk for hours, now it is about 10 minutes. I feel that the conversation is lacking sometimes, or that I just don't get enough time on the phone with him. Thank you for asking this, though, the answers make me feel better about my lacking conversation skills. :)
