Supporting a Friend

Just ask her... tell her what you told us here. That youv'e never been to a wake, that you don't know how long you need to be there, that you want to be supportive but also want to respect her boundaries etc.
Just be open and caring and tell her.
Ask her and also ask her to be open with you, about what she needs, and what you can provide... maybe she doesn't even know herself, with the whirlwind of things going on around her and her situation.
But I think, just showing her that we are all "clueless" sometimes... can be a great comfort. It shows that we are not all perfect... but that you care for her and love her and want to be there for her.

take care,
Susan

I just wanted to say that this brought tears to my eyes that there are still kind people like you out in this world. What a wonderful friend you are and God bless you for helping this woman.

I would plan on staying for the whole Wake, if possible. If you can only get away for an hour or so from your family then go for that amount of time. Your friend may find she has the support she needs from who is there (besides you) and if you feel that you are not needed at this time and have paid respect then connect with friend mention sorry for loss, if there is anything you need call me, then mention you were thinking of heading out but is you still want we around that is fine (unless you really have to get home, then mention you have to get home but call for any reason).

I would ask if she wants you too watch over the children the whole time, maybe that is why she wants you there (besides being there for her of course), If you are in charge if the kids then you will be there the whole time, and I would bring things for them to do along. when I went to my grandma's wake I had many young cousins there and it really helped that I and a father hung out with the kids in the back (actaully was a confined room, with the doors open) and we had coloring books and a few quiet toys for them because a wake is usually 2-3 hours long which is a long time for any child under 12 to sit still and do nothing.

if she asked you specifically to be there, definitely spend the whole time. If she is involved with family you can definitely step back without being in the way. I think the biggest thing she will need is someone to listen to her, and it seems she has picked you. Just let her talk as is natural.

You don't say what she has in the way of family close by. If she does not have a lot of family close by to help her thru this I would offer to take care of the little ones for her. a 5 yr old at a wake gets very bored very fast. then you have little ones running around getting into mischief. your a good friend to take this one.

I would just ask her. But it sounds like she probably wants you there the entire time, especially if you dont know the family.

You sound like a great friend.. She obviously appreciates your friendship.

Go and plan on staying.. Help take care of your friend. Make sure she has water, coffee, tissues mints whatever.. Check on her kids.. Maybe try to keep up where all of them are in case your friend wants to know. Do not take over, but be her extra pair of eyes and ears so later when she want to talk, you can fill her in (especially the good and positive things) about this event. She will probably be pretty out of it..

Kind of be her eyes and ears during this event like her husband would have been.

The wake is a significant time to be present, but more important is in the days following. Call her periodically! You may not have experience reaching out, having not come from a supportive family, but here is an opportunity for you both. The effort may need to come from you as she may start to feel depleted with grief and not think about reaching out. Calling, your ear, a meal here and there: that's supportive and a very good friend. Good for you for your willingness to put yourself out there!

Jen

It sounds like you really care for your friend and she probably needs that support right now. I would go to the wake and just ask her if she'd like you to stay for the whole thing. Be honest and let her know you've never been to one. Maybe she can tell you what to expect.

L. B. In times such as a death it's always good to know that you have friends that you can count on, in October my father passed away and there were people there that I haven't seen since I was a teen. There were friends from the family that were there all day and it was comfortable feeling to look and see them there. You will know.

just go as a friend...she will let you know when to step over your boundaries...

Sounds like you have been doing a good job. I would go to the Wake and see how you feel. It depends on who you are - your strengths. I am a caterer, so in that situation, if there was food, I would end up clearing up dishes and replenishing sandwiches. But that is not everybody. Certainly in these situations, it is just a huge support to know that you are there - kind of like at a wedding when you can't talk to all your guests, but feel a special warmth to those who come.

I think that if there is any question, err on the side of being there for her than on the side of pulling back. When my 17-year-old brother was shot and killed, our life and our family was turned upside-down. One thing I still remember was the people that came out of the woodwork to support us. People we barely knew brought us groceries, meals, etc. Meeting our practical needs was a great way to support our mom, and us kids. I think that she probably needs more from you than she is willing to ask, and if you ever sense that she needs some space, just ask her. For now, I would just be there, staying the whole time at the wake - but just staying in the background for most of the time. Just keep being a great friend to her, and remember that this is just a season in her life that she will need this much from you. After a while, you can give some space again. Hope this helps!

Don't worry so much! If you've become closer you will know just how much time she needs you to be with her at this time. Just 'be there' for her.
J. S

Go and show support you dont have to stay whole time there will be alot of people there. Just keep in touch in future I lost my husband several years ago and people loss touch dont. She just need to know your there if need not 24 7 just whenever

Hi L.,
I just had one of my (two) best friend's mom passed away and although her mom was sick for a while it was very hard on her family. I asked my friend if she needed anything from me, I asked if they were doing a re-pass lunch or dinner and if she needed me to bring food. She told me that they were going to meet at her parent's house between the two viewings and if I could bake something. I couldn't go to the first viewing but I went to the house and took my bake goods :) and drove with her and her husband to the second viewing. I stayed out of her way, just sitting there where she could see me while everyone was coming up to give her their condolences.
She would walk and sit with some friends and go and stand by the casket, but I was visible to her at all times. I was not able to go to the funeral on Monday morning because of work. But she emailed me (she lives about an hour away) on Tuesday thanking me for being there for her and how much she appreciated my presence there and the cake and cupcakes. That it was truly special for her that I was there.
Now, let me say this, I have NEVER been good at viewings, I always get very nervous and see the dead body breathing! and it took me a while to go up to the casket to see her mom (I waited for my husband to get there). But surprisingly I did fine.
I would suggest that you be there for as long as she needs you. If you don't feel comfortable, then tell her, and tell her you need to leave. But let her know that you are there for her. Give her the support and love she needs.
My condolences to your friend, and keep the good work :)
I.