Confused About Grandfather's Behavior

It is possible that the kids are "too" active for him. If he isn't used to having young people around it can be un-nerving.''

Hope it gets better soon.

J.

Any medication changes lately? I think it is old people being old people. They like attention...not sharing it.

Sorry you had to hear that one, it was a pretty hard one.

You did a noble thing by moving. Stay away for a week. Then, when you go--go alone without the kids. After that you can be able to ascertain whether it was a fluke.

Secondly, maybe he feels that your mom is too occupied with you and the kids and neglects his wife or him. If so, try to make sure he nor your grandma are ever alone when your mom is talking to the grandbabies.

You sound sooooo very caring and again I love that you dropped your life to come home to help your mama. Most folk could not/would not.

God bless and do not second guess your decision.

He needs to see a doctor. There could be a new medication that he's on that is affecting him, or having some kind of reaction with another of his meds.

Also, irrational angry outbursts can be signs of mini-strokes. That's what happened to my grandfather over the course of several years. We thought he was either old and grumpy, or just totally losing it, but then he had a major stroke, and when they did tests, they could see that he had had literally hundreds of small strokes over a period of years. So... it's worth looking into, especially if this behavior is out of character for him.

Has Grandfather been to a Dr. recently? I think he should probably make another trip.

I will never forget being across the country visiting my grandmother. We were having a great time. I was there an extended time, because I hadn't been out there in years. (Although, she came out here several times a year...so I did see her for about 2 months total every year.) I had been there two weeks, and she came into the dining room and yelled at me to leave! Saying that she didn't want me there, why was I there, etc. Sadly, that was the beginning of Alzheimer's for her. So, take him to a Dr. and see what they say.
Another possibility is, something happened that was embarrassing for him, and he didn't want you back. My grandfather got ill once and defecated all over himself and his room. He called my mother and asked me not to come back. I was SO confused until several months later, we found out he was just too embarrassed. Getting old, needing people for everything, losing your abilities...sometimes uncomfortable things happen. Is there anything you can remember?

Perhaps the kiddos wind up grandma and make her confusion worse, and grandpa is left to deal with it alone after you & your mom leave?

Why don't you have your mom ask him what the problem is? That seems like the easiest way to get an answer.

Im a registered nurse and work with the elderly. This doesnt sound like first signs of dementia/alzheimers, it sounds like hes being a pill. Old people can be really difficult, He probably doesnt lie his routine screwed up.

Did your Mom ask him why? And, if so, what was his answer? Unless it's dementia of some sort, he'll have a reason for saying this.

Dementia, only one form of which is Alzheimers, can start slow. My aunt, who lived with me, would know me most of the time but every once in awhile she'd ask me who I was. One time at the doctors, she said she has a niece living in Portland as if I wasn't sitting in the room with her after having lived with me for a year or so In Phoenix.

I have a friend who had a stroke several years ago whose mind seems to glitch more and more often. She asks me a question after I'd already discussed the answer with her just 10 minutes or so earlier. She doesn't remember our having already talked about it.

The medical reason for this in these two people is that their brain isn't getting a sufficient supply of oxygen and parts of it are dying.

I would have your mother talk with him to see if he can help her understand. She can say, "I don't understand why you don't want J. to come over. Will you tell me why?" Then, if he's now willing to see you go visit and perhaps talk with him about the situation. Get a sense first of whether or not bringing the subject up will agitate him. However, I think your mother needs to talk with him whether or not he gets agitated. You both do need to understand what is going on.

Later: I had another aunt who was easily upset as well as lethargic and unable to focus at times. It turned out to be her medications. She was over medicated and once the doctor took some of them away she returned to her easy going self.

You are there to support your mama. Granddad may be jealous and scared that you may influence mama to 'put them away'. Be strong. You did a noble and loving thing.

Do you have siblings or aunts who can also pitch in?

When my Mom was getting very ill, the only thing she felt she could control is who she let in her house, and later, her room at the nursing home. She often told people she loved to stay away, if she didn't want them to see how feeble she was. Dad would also tell people the same thing, but we knew he was doing it for her, the most important person in his world. I wish you a better day, today.

Older people get set in their ways, and they spend a lot of time at home when it's quiet. If you throw a granddaughter and a few great grandkids into the mix, it upsets things. If he has the feeling of being overwhelmed by caring for Grandma, then giving him one more thing to do or to think about might push him over the edge.

The house isn't childproofed, he may be worried about precious treasures getting broken, it's possible that Grandma got upset or agitated later on with confusion about who you all were (at least the children), he may be worried about having to feed everyone, and on and on. There could be the influence of medication. There could be some dementia starting BUT he could just be old and tired of the responsibilities. Remember that he is starting to lose his wife in that she's not entirely there mentally for him - so he feels alone. He may also WANT to be doing all the care-taking but be afraid that he cannot. Having even more people there to help, besides your mom, reminds both Grandpa and Grandma that they can no longer manage.

Older people sometimes enjoy moving to a senior complex or assisted living facility, while others fear it. The thought of needing extra help in their home can be very upsetting. Changing routines can be upsetting. The thought that maybe others are going to make decisions for them can be upsetting.

DO NOT take this personally. It has nothing to do with his relationship with you. Try to see him individually when you can, even if it means that your mom stays with your kids or you leave them at home with a sitter. See if he will let you take him out for lunch or to do some errands while your mom stays with Grandma. Caretakers need respite care - they need a break!

First of all, let me say I think it's wonderful what you've done to help. I wish more people were like you in caring for family members. I've been thru it with two sets of grandparents and my own parents and I know it can be rough.

As for what's going on with your Grandpa, it could be several things. A bad mix of medications - if he's under the care of "several physicians" they very well may not know all the medications he's taking. Medications may have been switched - in the transition period, medications can have weird side effects.

It could also be the start of something - I know for my Mom who had Alzheimer's, she could be very sweet one minute and then nasty the next. Thank heavens the nasty moments were just that; very short "moments."

I would give him a break and talk to him in person one-on-one and see if you can have him explain. He could be feeling very stressed with everything going on with your Grandma and having kids around just stresses him even more. There's also a chance he may not even remember calling and telling your mom this.

Does someone go with him to his doctor appointments? I would review everything and especially the medications and then I would address the issue with the appropriate doctor.

Good luck and God bless!!!

Since you only see her infrequently and aren't part of her routine, and your children very likely throw her routine even more out of whack, your Grandmother may seem all right when you're there but then the rest of her day and the following day/s could be terrible recovery time. It's very likely that your visits are only visits and not "helping."

Please remember that your grandfather's first priority is his wife. She's his wife before she's your grandmother. He's her husband before he is your grandfather. That's the paramount relationship. It sounds to me as if he's being very protective of her.

He wasn't kind in how he delivered the message, especially considering he didn't give any reasoning, but having lived through a close relative having dementia and understanding the dynamics surrounding it I can almost guarantee this is what's happening.

EDIT: In your SWH you said, "I'm trying not to take it personal and to be as understanding as possible but I just uprooted my entire life to be there for them and now I'm not wanted... It just really hit me hard I guess."

Then my question to you must be, "Who asked you to uproot your entire life like that so that you can visit your grandmother and grandfather?" Did you move without anyone asking you to do so? No where in your post did you state that you were asked or begged to make this move to "help." And if you had been, I would imagine that you would be there far more frequently than you are.

Of course you didn't add a lot of details. But I would NOT jump to the conclusion that your grandfather has dementia just because he asked that you and your children don't come around. I don't think that's fair at all.

J.:

WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

How tough this must have been to give up your life and move to help your mom!!!

Your grandfather may have the early on-set of dementia. You didn't state his age nor the age of your children. However, you need to understand that EVERYONE in your house is going through a transition.

Your kids are in a new place.
YOU are in a new place.
Your Grandparents haven't had children around in HOW long?

Do you know how tiring it is for some elderly grandparents to keep up with kids? My parents are in their 70s. They love my children to death - however - they can only take so much of their energy. They get upset because they aren't as young and spry as they used to be and WANT to do more with them and get frustrated because they are tired, their back or knee hurts, etc.

Put yourself in their shoes. You can no longer care for yourself - really, why else would YOU move across the country??? And now you have reminders of your youth and what is coming....just how frustrating would that be for YOU?

What I don't understand - why did you move across the country to "help" if you aren't living in the house full time with your mom and grand parents? How are you supporting yourself and your family now that you've made this move? Is it possible that you, yourself, are frustrated as well giving up your "nice house and great job" for "THIS"???

There are two sides to every story. Have you ASKED him why he said this?

Depending on what those other physicians are treating him for, depends on your answer.No one here can tell you if it's dementia, your kids may be ill behaved and he saw something you didn't and he may not want them in the house, who knows. Find out what reasons he's been seeing other doctors for. Why don't you know, doesn't your mom know? This would give you a clue and if not, accompany him and ask the Dr's based on what you've told us. Good Luck.

It could be a change of medication; could be the start of a UTI. UTI's can actually cause hallucinations in older people.

Don't take it personally but I think your mom should call and speak to her mother or try talking to her father's doctor.

Has he started taking any new medications? I have seen firsthand now medicines can completely change people. Just try not to take it personally. I know it's hard, but I know he doesn't mean to hurt you.

WOW! I'd be livid and demand an explanation.

He has to tell you why! That's just all there is. He has to have a reason if he is in control of his mind. Normal people just don't switch like this.