Super Fustrated

Hate to say it, but sounds like he is "using" you. He used other women. I know ecomomy is bad. Ask him to help out more around the house. Write down what you do and what he does. If he's not willing to put forth more effort, I'd hate to say it, but kick him out. The mental and physical work is going to get worse.

Fisrt off, I know that this is easier said than done, but you have to rest and take care of yourself. If not for you, for your children. Being that your body is still recovering, you can have a set back and then you'll not only have to deal with the current problems but you'll also have to find help for your boyfriend to take care of the girls because you'll be laid up in the hospital. Please re-evaluate your budget so that you don't have to work so many hours to make ends meet or have your boyfriend pick up the slack at home so that when you get home, you can actually enjoy your children. As for the boyfriend, he witheld info that you needed to know 3 years ago and he did it for 3 years and you probably still wouldn't know if the child support wouldn't have come up! He will do this again if he's not doing it now with something else. That excuse he made is a cop out and should reflect to you just how forthcoming he is. I wouldn't quite recommend breaking up but I will ask that you don't marry him just yet. If it took 3 years for you to find out about another child, just think what type of info will come out in 6. As for finances, re-do your budget to fit your income, even if it means drastic changes. You need your strength and wisdom to get through this therefore you need your health and your kids need you in good health. I completely understand what you are going through. I am a single parent of 3 with a boyfriend who is the father of my 3 year old and although we don't have any drama, we haven't gotten married until everything is addressed and compromised. I know that it should have been done before the baby came but she was meant to be here because we took the proper precautions and still got pregnant. I hope this helps a little and also remember to pray.

J......Girl it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now! I think the best thing for you to do first and foremost is: PRAY! Then you have to WAIT/LISTEN (for God's answer and timing). Then ACT accordingly. Often times what looks good to us now turns out to be a VERY BAD situation when looking at it in hindsight! Forget the word marriage - that's just the technical terminology. Think...."Can I see myself dealing with this kind of drama for the REST OF MY LIFE?". Because that's what marriage is...a commitment for the rest of your lives! Who knows what else this guy hasn't told you?! I am definitely not an advocate of staying together for the kids - children need to see an example of a healthy relationship in order to carry on their own healthy relationships. It raises standards and expectations when they begin chosing a mate and even friends. If you are having any doubts now, they certainly will not disappear the moment you walk down the aisle! You are a child of God and you DESERVE to be happy!!! You DO NOT have to settle. And you surly don't want your daughters to think that it's ok to settle or that they won't find anything better. Everyone is going through a tough time with this economy, but is he trying to find another steady job? Why did he lose the first one? Could he be helping out more at home? You can tell a lot about one's charachter by their work ethic....or lack there of. If the 14 year old is indeed his child, he has a moral obligation to take care of him/her regardless of his current situation! His reaction to this situation would also reveal a great deal about his characheter. Have you ever heard the saying, "People don't change"? It's true - we can't! Without the help of Christ we cannot make positive and permenant change. That's why it helps to have Him on your side (He can see the future so He knows {NOW} what's best)! I know it's hard Mama, but you keep on being the best YOU CAN BE!!

"We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance produces character; and character produces hope." {Romans 5:3}

Hi J.,

From what you have said it doesn't sound like you have a bad man. You just have a bad situation with things that are out of your control, and out of your boyfriend's control. At least he is working while trying to find a better job, a lot of men wouldn't do that. Also you are not getting any sleep! You need to pray lots, get into a good church, and ask your friends and family for help. Can friends bring meals? Can a family member babysit so you can get some sleep? Do not be embarrassed to ask for help. Girl, we all need it sometimes, and now is that time. Do you live in Gwinnett County?

What are you supposed to do? Pray. Ask the Lord Jesus for help and rest. Read your Bible. Yes, He can help keep you sane. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Watch out! My mom has been recieving child support for about 18 years now. A few years ago my father petitioned the court or the court decided on their own accord, but they started adding my moms income to my step fathers income and used that as a factor in lowering my fathers child support. His wife's income wasn't added since she doesn't work. Applying what my moms court did to your situation , when your married they could posibly add your income to his to determine child support. I don't agree with what my moms court did at all. But be forwarned!

The 14 year olds mother has every right to get child support, as a mom I'm sure you would agree with that. Any 14 year old is tough to raise. A girl needs her mother and a boy needs his father. I hope you support this child and his needs. For his mother some she will need to talk to his dad but for the bs stuff boundaries need to be set and a plan needs to be made. A financial plan for the child support and a plan as to how to help raise the child and a plan on how to deal with eachother.

Your patience will be tried, but try to be understanding as well.
Good luck to you!
J.

Wow! I can understand why you are frustrated! It sounds as if the main stressor is lack of funds. Money is the root of all evil or at least most evil.
I can't help you myself other than letting you know I feel your pain.
I guess the best advice I have for you is "Do you love him enough?" I hope so now that you have a child together. If you don't, you need to send him packing now rather than later. But, make sure you aren't sending him away just to make life easier - because it is never easy - and even harder if you truly love him and think life would be easier without the baggage.
I would say you need a lot of prayer, and a personal relationship with Jesus. If you have a relationship with Jesus, ask Him to show you the way that He intends your life to go... and then realize that things happen for reasons and know you are doing your best. Look to the good times, and know that with God all things are possible, He will give you the strength to endure the hardships until better times arrive. Prayerfully sooner than later, but honestly in HIS own time will be the best for all involved.
May God watch over you and comfort you, give you peace and rest as you raise this little one and love one another.
Sincerely,
M. B.

What crappy timing right?!?! I know how you feel. I'm a mom with 2 kids, 1 with my hubby and my oldest is with another guy. Yes I get support for her but it's a piss poor amount and I really could care less if he paid it let alone had contact with her. But, she has every right to get financial support to take care of her from him. I'm even going to suggest that maybe she is in a money bind and that is why she seeked him out, hoping that extra money from him would help make her ends meet. I will say though that she has no right to call him at all hours of the night unless it is an emergency-his Daughter is in the ER, she is in the ER and needs him to take her, etc. You both need to start docomunting the calls-date, time and nature of call, whom called (he called her, she called him). If it is in the middle of the night, don't answer the phone, that is what voice mail is for and if it is important enough, she'll leave a message. Also, make sure he is getting visitation. It will more than likly go through the state that she is living/filling in for support. So check state laws. And error on the side of caution, since it has been 14yrs, unless this little girl is a spitting image of daddy, get a paternity test!

As far as money works, (also varies by state law) the court will look at his and her income and how many children they currently have as well. The courts will make sure he can provide for his other kids. Some states only look at their income, some like Flordia will look at her and her husbands income if she is married and vise versa for him.

What you should really be upset about is this guy not being up front to you about the girl in the first place because now it has come back and bit him in the ares!

Good luck!
S.

Have you not made your decision? You said that he has more baggage than you are willing to deal with so that's your answer, right? I understand that life can be frustrating. I understand that raising children can also be frustrating. We have ideals in our heads but as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." But to think that a woman has waited 14 years to suddenly be mad that a man moved on so she rushes out and petitions for child support is so utterly ridiculous to me. In my opinion, you're upset about the wrong thing. You're upset that she wants child support which she is entitled to and has been entitled to all along and you're upset that she's calling him for what you call "BS." What you should be upset about is the fact that he didn't trust you enough to tell you about this child to begin with and as I can see from your post, rightfully so. What you should also be upset about is the fact that he's not being a standup guy to this child and taking care of ALL responsibilities. How can you expect him to take care of yours but not this 14 year old? What makes you and your child more superior to this other mother and child? Nothing. Have you stopped to think for a second that they might also be strapped? Have you stopped to put aside your feelings about the situation and think about what is best for this child? Obviously you thought this man was good enough to be in your oldest child's life and was even good enough to make a baby with yourself. So is this little girl not entitled to have a father that is good enough for his other children and that is taking care of his other children? In the end, he SHOULD be ashamed that he hasn't stepped up to the plate but has gone off and made more kids. He SHOULD be ashamed that he has abandoned this kid. You should also be ashamed but instead are too busy being selfish and bitter. In the end, if you decide that you really can't handle the amount of "baggage" he has, I just hope you understand that what goes around comes around. It's quite possible that your child will be reduced to baggage with his next egg donor and you'll be the one begging for child support and help to no avail.

I just filed for child support last week. My little girl is 3 though. I dont call the father. I have been banned from all contact with him (he rarely see her). I have to go thru his sister to try to reach him about money because his wife doesnt want me calling and he does not want her knowing he has contact with me. The economy had been bad and his payments have become far and in between. My child is a big shameful secret to him (although they knew about her when they got married). His now wife does not want to have anything to do with her and cries and threatens to leave whenever he mentions her. I hold no animosity, but I really wish they could embrace her and accept her into their lives. She is starting to have her feelings hurt and I just know he is going to hurt her even more as she gets older. She doesnt and may never know her sister. If he ever made a effort to actually spend some time with her, I would be willing to accept less money, but he doesnt even do that. I just think is is a shame that they have to be so mean and hateful to my precious 3 year old. He tried to call me this weekend to call off the child support, but I stuck to my guns. Come to find out, his wife is pregnant again. I feel like he needs to take some responsibility for all these children he is producing. Monetary or time wise. I'm busting my butt (working and school), so there is no excuse why he cant do the same. Maybe he can work out an arrangement to pay less if he takes her for a weekend here and there. If he hasn't paid child support in 14 years I would be concerned they might get him for back support. Also, make sure there is a paternity test to confirm he is the father. I'm not sure how that works if he is out of work, or if the state then pays until he's working again...Maybe you can call or research the details. Good luck. And please remember that its not the child's fault that they were born.