Sunday Mass

Please excuse me while I giggle. Quietly.

When my children were little, we all sat at church together. I always worried because they could NOT sit still and be quiet! They whispered and fidgeted and fussed. I'm afraid I was a fussbudget, too. I would have done better to model a better attitude. I was so concerned what people might think of ME! I was sure the children disturbed everyone around us. Somehow I was afraid we might get kicked out or something. Ha! Years later, I found out that other people were thinking, "How does she do it with her children? They seem so well-behaved!" Huh?

So don't worry too much what other people may think or what other families may look like. Introduce yourself to that wonderful family you've noticed! You and that mama may end up exchanging stories!

You won't be able to pay really close attention at Mass for a while yet. But that's all right. God is still there, and He *loves* kids in His house!

For this weekend, bathe the children the night before; lay out their clothes the night before; put them to bed a little earlier, letting them know that Easter is a special day, so you're running on a special schedule; get up and get out the front door at least fifteen minutes ahead of your usual schedule (so there won't be last-minute rushing and because it's going to be harder to find a parking space at church); plan something really fun for Sunday afternoon after the dressy clothes come off.

Depending on the age, let them draw quietly (bring scratch paper and pencils) or have ONE quiet toy or look at ONE picture book. Ask your older children to sing the hymns along with the congregation. Also, ask them to watch for one special part of the Mass (you choose what part) and to let you know when they see that happen. Make your daughter a handkerchief doll (it's probably online somewhere) right there in the pew, and let her play with it quietly. Kids are not adults; most of a service will go over their heads, but they can BEGIN to learn how to be quiet and appreciate what's happening and why. You supplement that with teaching at home during the week.

One of the many things I did wrong was to expect mine to act too grown up when they were incapable of doing it. Set lower expectations for their behavior than for your own: whispering is OK, especially if they want to know something about the Mass. Wiggling is OK, but try not to attract attention to yourself. Do your best to respect all the nice folks sitting around us who are here to worship God, not to see them. No fighting, pinching, or nosebleeds, and I don't care whose fault it is!

Here's an old, old joke: A priest was always amazed that one of his parishioners, a single mother with six young children, was always there at the *early* Mass, with her kids all clean-faced, hair combed, and nicely dressed - a little rumpled, perhaps, but still looking good. Finally he asked her how in the world she managed it. She whispered to him, "I dress them the night before!"

Hope your Easter will be blessed!

Bribery. Or, as my friend says, "They don't call it bribery any more. They call it 'positive reinforcement'." Whatever. Sometimes, it's necessary & it works.

When my kids were younger, they too would object to wearing what I deemed "church appropriate" attire. I was firm with what I expected (appropriate clothing, being on time, quiet respectful behavior that was suitable to their age) and flexible where I could be (OK, so "quiet" could be "quietly coloring" and "respectful" for the younger one meant "don't get on everyone's nerves" while it meant "I expect you to try & recite the prayers" to the older one). Before we walked into the church, I told them if they behaved well we could stop at the local coffee shop on the way home. A doughnut or frosted brownie were special treats in our house. Some times we made it but if they didn't behave, we didn't stop. I remember once when one girl was fine but the other misbehaved. The one who needed some practice on behavior was REALLY shocked that her sister got a blueberry muffin and she got nothing. Yes, there was fussing, but I was adamant -- and the next Sunday, she was very, very good.

Especially for a 2yo, and maybe even your 6yo, books, crayons, other quiet toys & maybe some cereal in a sandwich bag would be good.

Oh -- and as much as I held my breath the first few times, I tried sitting up closer to the front of the church (granted -- not on the center aisle!). It's easier to behave if you can see more than the back of the adults in front of you. It helped!

Those weekly trips to the coffee shop became a tradition that we still enjoy even now when they're home from college. It's not much money and it's our Sunday morning "thing" -- and a really nice family time, at that.

One last thing: good for you for keeping at it. Many parents decide to skip Mass when their kids are young because it's "too hard." Yup, it's a pain in the butt but, for me and my kids, one that I'm so glad we hung in there with. My kids would probably tell you they never "wanted" to go to church but that they find it comforting and fulfilling at the same time.

WHen my youngest was a toddler mass was almost impossible to pay attention to. Then I figured out that he loved music. We sate near the musicians and that was it. He would hum along and be completely happy. Can you connect with something that you know your youngest really loves?

I suggest it's possible that you've set the kids up for whining and acting up by rushing to get to mass, by nagging them to get dressed nicely, etc. Try having a more calm and organized time before heading to mass. Once the kids view going as a pleasant experience during which their feelings are validated they will more likely be able to continue with the good behavior started already at home.

Be there a half hour early so you have a seat this Sunday!!!

Maybe it is the time you are going to church. We used to go to the 10:00 a.m. mass and my husband was falling asleep and my daughter would lean all over me. Now we go to 12:00 and it is much better.

I smiled at your question. It reminded me of my dear children years ago!

So thank you for the reminder to the rest of us without little ones, that we should support you in any way we can, showering you with knowing glances and warm smiles. Happy Easter!

What's your objective? That's what you start with and work from there.

Is it to look good? Is it to worship God? Is it to provide an opportunity to provide a consistent culture of respect for God and knowledge of Him in order to grow children to be responsible loving kids in a crazy world?
It's this a long term thing?

If it is for the long haul, you have to do a mixture of increasing your preparation and lowering your expectations. For me, it's a long term goal. I spent years not hearing very much but it has been very worth it. Time spent teaching, is never wasted.

When I looked at my kids, I had these expectations, hair combed, teeth brushed, clothes on. Check. Good enough. God looks on the heart.

I had snacks for the littlest, colors or pencil and paper for the 6 yr old. The 9 yr old would have to either fiend for himself or pay attention, it's good practice for life. There were plenty times of taking them out to the hall and reminding them of good behavior.

Hang in there for for 3 more yrs and you can start to hear messages again!

well, do they behave for you anywhere else?

that's your 1st step! They have to know you mean business....all the time. If overall discipline seems to be an issue, watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video. It has saved many families! Love the methodology. :)

next step: you need to allow a lot more time to eliminate stress. Let your kids pick out their clothes the night before. & I'm serious...let them pick from 2 choices, & 2 choices only. That way you still have some of the power...& they'll never know it!

Do the same for yourself. Prepare ahead of time. Diaper bag & all. Have it at the door, ready to go. If your 2yo still takes a sippy cup with her, have it in the frig.

Put yourself in a position where all you have to do is get dressed & walk out. Let the kids eat (if you allow that before Mass). No TV. & keep calm at all times.

You know, this may be a time where you need a Family Conference to get the Family on board with "Happy Sundays". :) Use reward systems, quiet pew activities, & non-messy snacks to keep them calm.

(sigh) Mass can be challenging. Easter Sunday for our parish means being at church for 90 minutes or longer. That's a looooong time to sit still with Easter Candy Sugar Highs! This weekend may not be a good time to set new benchmarks! Peace be with you!

I bring snacks and entertainment that won't make noise...paper, crayons, non-crunchy food, etc. ;)

My two year old goes in the nursery...some young children can sit and be quiet, and some absolutely cannot. The older children ought to be able to control themselves for an hour, but you can still provide quiet entertainment...word finds, find the picture books, etc.

At this age, church is for ME...and we go several times a week. They get their lessons in Sunday School and at home every day...the main service, all I ask is that the be quiet. They don't necessarily have to pay attention, but they need not distract others from doing so.

I feel for you. Our church is very child-centric. They have crayons and paper and kid friendly books to borrow at the front when you come in. About 10 minutes into the service, they have a children's message. Following the children's message (before the offering and sermon) the children are escorted into the chapel and the children's minister does a full service with the kids, just for the kids -- the kids do all of it -- light the candles, collect the offering, read and lead the scriptures and prayers, sing songs, and the children's minister does a kid friendly activity/story in place of the sermon. We are in a Methodist church. We used to go to a Lutheran church (I grew up Lutheran) where everyone kept inviting me to put my quiet, well behaved children in the nursery. I have no idea why they pushed so much for that. My kids weren't being disruptive -- I felt like my kids just weren't welcome. The church we attend now not only welcomes them, but takes them and teaches them how to be in a church service in a service just for them, but also keeps them in the sanctuary with the families for part of the regular service. I have always felt that the children weren't only welcome, but embraced.

It may be worth finding a church that can accommodate children a little better.

Do you have any churches in your area that offer a nursery for your daughter, or a "Children's Liturgy" for your 6 yr old?

We hadn't been able to actually pay attention for several years, until we found a church with a nursery. Now, our 6 yr old and 3 yr old go to the nursery (the 2 yr old would too, if he would let us drop him off there.) This fall, though, our 3 yr old will be 4, and he'll be going to Sunday school during Mass. The 6 yr old will participate in the Children's Liturgy where they are dismissed, go with a leader to do a shorter Reading/Gospel, talk a bit about it, maybe a quick activity, and then return during the Offertory.

Most of the families at my church with very well behaved children sit as close to the front as they can.

What do you have your kids wear to Mass? My oldest son usually just does khakis and a polo shirt. That's not really dressed up for him--pretty much what he'd wear if we were just going out to dinner, but it is dressed up compared to lots of the kids who are wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He doesn't fight me about it. He knows that when we go to church he doesn't wear jeans or shirts with writing or characters on them.

One of my friends taught a lesson one time about how she worked with her kids at home. She would have them all come in and they'd sit on their little chairs. They'd start with just a couple of minutes then they'd work up until the kids could sit quietly for 20 minutes. She figured that was the most she could ask of them.

I think that when we make everything about church a chore and uncomfortable it becomes a chore but it is a necessary event. Maybe allowing them to wear clothes that are not exactly "play clothes" but not Sunday best. Our church is very relaxed and we have a mass on Sunday at 5 that is very accomodating to familes and not as "formal" as Sunday morning. Maybe find one that works better. It's kind of like having breakfast for dinner with kids when you change it up on timing and clothing. If that is not a possibility maybe check on the classes that they offer for the children and child care for different masses. We offer child care for the morning mass at 9:30 and 11:00. If they offer this you can put the 2 yr old in there. The spiritual classes for youth are wonderful and they excuse them for the main portion of the mass and they are returned at the end. Check into this and it will be far easier...not everyone will be able to have that picture perfect family and that's ok....who knows what the punishment is if they don't behave...who knows, maybe they are perfect, so what. Yours are children of God as well and always welcome. If you can find a way that works better for all of you, great...if you end up with children that nag, cry and complain...well, you will have cute stories to share with their children about that days you went to church :) Memories are full of stressful times that turn into funny stories...parenthood is a journey and most of the time with a toddler and active boys, a rough one but smooth sailing will be yours in a few years and you will be looking over at "that" family in mass that is "crazed and worn out" and smile a sweet smile remembering that you were there and glad its over!!! haha..

Happy Easter....We Catholics Rock!