Summer Visitation

Hi M..
If he didn't pick the kids up on July 1, he has forgone his visitation. Period. That is the verbiage from a lawyer.
Now, on the other hand... you may want to be flexible and let him have them on the weekends that you don't have plans with them. Let him know when those times/days are and let him know that you're doing this for the kids. Maybe next year, he will know and pick them up on time.
Don't ever let the kids know that you're "battling" with their father though! None of this is their fault, so don't involve them and talk bad about their father. Always make them feel loved and always look at the positive side of things when it comes to them.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
A. M. :)

M.:

I am in the same boat. My ex is supposed to have them all of July and he only wants them every other weekend. It is frustrating because I'm taking an on-line class and could really use the extra time. But unfortunately - unless you go bacl to court - there is not much you can do. Kids need time with their Dad. I would change my plans for them (even if it stinks) or ask him if he doesn't mind working out what you set up for the kids already. I wish there was a different answer. I've been divorced almost 2 years. I've been in alot of situations, so if you have any questions or just want to talk - I am here! Good luck - Angie

It sounds like he wants them but does not want to pay for child care during the week. If this is the case, and if you are comfortable with the current childcare situation during the week then I would go ahead and go along with it, but document EVERYTHING. When he does and doesn't come, when he is late, etc. Also, see if (since he did not give you advance notice of this) he will leave them with you the weekends you made plans and take an extra weekend in August. If your plans are changable, then I would just change them.

I would sit with him, without the children, and discuss the situation. Clearly, he wants to be the "play" dad on the weekend without any of the "responsible" dad taking care of daily routine needs. If he is only going to be sending the kids to daycare during the week while he works, they are probably better off with you.

If he missed his pick up time by over 45 mins. then he misses out. It sounds like it was stated in the divorce decree that he must have it in writing by a certain date. Since he didn't do it you fall back on the July 1st schedule. Since he missed THAT pick up time you are not obligated to do anything that he requests due to his negligence. You can ask your lawyer to specify what your decree says, but I know that from my experience and asking my lawyer...he snoozes, he looses. He is simply going to have to work around your schedule with the kids now. Beware, he may be trying to see how many hoops you will jump through to cater to him. If you do it now you will never see it in writing in years to follow. Stick to the decree. That is what the decree is for. He signed it also.
R.
____@____.com

You need to talk to a lawyer; don't get advice from random people on the internet about this, as the custody issue is too serious. If someone gives you bad advice and you take it, you could have legal problems later. Good luck!

Based on several years of experience with this, it's actually pretty simple.

You can do whatever the two of you agree to do.

If you don't agree, then your court ordered visitation arrangement is followed to the letter. Anything else is just a battle that only serves to prolong the problem and eventually put money in the attorneys' pockets.
The important thing this is to not involve the kid(s)in the discussion as there are way too many ways for them to mis-interpret what is being determined.

Hi M.,

What's really important here is to make sure the kids know they are loved regardless of what's going on. The children should never know what's being said back and forth, they just need to know they are loved.

Whatever his reasons are, he needs to understand that it's a part of being dad and the kids need him.

Sit down with him and find out what the reasons are, don't ask in a way of judging him, it will only put him on the defense. What you might need to do is find out what the reasons are and then work with him on it. It could be the money, or longer hours at work, just try to see it from his point and maybe he will be willing to work with you.

Let him know the kids want to spend more time with him, don't put your reasons in there like "I have plans, or I need time to myself, it should only be about the kids.

But whatever happens, just make sure the kids aren't the ones in the middle, it's hard on them as well.

If he won't take the kids, then you might find a family member to take the kids for a couple days so you can have time to yourself.

P.S. After posting my response, I've read where people think if he's late, he loses, well you have to consider the children, it's better late then never that they get to see dad. Don't punish the kids for what dad is doing. Besides that, if you don't let him have them, this will only get worse. Kids need not be put in the middle.

Love and Light,
Rev. G. Hudson, Reiki Master.

I've been divorced and had custody of my son (who is now 21) and his father would always try to mess up the regular schedule, so my circumstances may be different but the best bet is to follow the divorce standard schedule and request he do the same. If you let him have them when he wants then he will probably expect to change the rules somewhere else too. I say stick with the standard visitation that way if something goes wrong you are not both in contempt of court.

Not to defend your ex because I don't know the situation as to why he didn't pick up the kids. However, my husband works and I am going back to work, so we have not been able to keep hiS daughter all 4 weeks we are supposed to. Her mother is a teacher and doesn't send her to daycare during the summer. We only get her a week at a time, so it is difficult for us to find daycare, plus it is expensive. He still has to pay $1000 a month regardless is his daughter is with us or not, so to pay for daycare on top of that is more than we can afford right now. This summer, my husband and his ex have been flexible with when we get his daughter. We have kept her for a week so she could go on vacation and have taken her a few extra days when his ex had something to do. If you aren't willing to be flexible with his schedule, just hope in the future you never need him to be flexible. You won't be in violation of the divorce decree by giving him extra time with his kids. The visitation schedule should say these are the dates he gets the kids unless otherwise agreed upon by both parties. That gives you room to be flexible.

As someone else said, you need to get legal advice from an attorney, not one of us. However, others who have dealt with similar issues can give advice on handling it outside of legalities.

My ex and I both agree that an entire month is too long for the children to be away from their regular home, so he requests four different weeks throughout the summer. My lawyer advised me that we could do whatever we wanted about visitation, as long as we both agreed, and if we didn't agree, then the divorce decree had to be followed (unless we went to court to change it). In the future, you can make this suggestion in the spring, and work out which weeks it will be. Try to be nice and be flexible, because you'll want the same thing back from him when you want to trade visitation weekends in the future for your own plans (and for coordinating with a possible future second husband's visitation schedule).

I have found that using e-mail helps to keep it businesslike and keep emotions and resentments from being expressed. As hard as this is, don't let your kids know there is any disagreement between you and their father or say negative things about him. They are partly from him--just like they are partly from you--and children internalize these comments, and feel insecure and less worthy if they believe they come from a rotten father. Even if he says ugly things about you to them, they will eventually figure out that YOU are kind in your discussions about their father, while he is not, and whatever faults he has will eventually become apparent to them. YOU will look better to them if you remain kind. (Mine are teens now, and they "get it" about their father, as well as recognize that the ugly things he's said about me do not match their years of observing my behavior.....or, are greatly exaggerated, LOL.)

For this summer, my suggestion would be to encourage your ex to see them as much as possible during July, and ask him if he'd like to have the kids during his vacation weeks off, as long as these weeks don't interfere with school or other plans. If the plans you have for July are easy to change, do it. He's clearly taking the easy way out by not giving an inch with his work schedule. However, the kids are the ones who will lose if you become stubborn about "all or none" during July visitation. At the same time, if he is ever supposed to have visitation at a time when you need childcare, DO insist that he honor his visitation, unless serious circumstances prevent it. This needs to be made clear in plenty of time for him to know to take that particular date seriously.

I wish you the best as you work out new ways to deal with the changes in your family.

How old are your kids? What do they want to do? :) Do what's best for them - if it means letting your ex have them even though it's not exactly the time frame specified in the decree, then let him have them.

And I agree with other posters - you should ask your lawyer about your decree before you just flat out deny him access - you don't want to get yourself into any trouble either.

M.,

If at all possible, try to keep the peace. Have you talked to him about why he didn't pick them up to come stay with him for the month? Perhaps he is thinking that he gets them every weekend that month... or perhaps he is not able to provide adequate day care for them while working. I would much rather have a dad who realizes his limitations in this area then one that would take them just because and not think about their safety and such.

You may need to keep any plans for them to during the week. Do not say anything negative about this to or in front of your children! The more peaceful and civil you and your ex can be in front and about the other is so much better for them.

It's great that he is wanting to see them. My ex- the first couple of years, did good to see them a couple weeks every summer... after a week he was ready to bring them home. He doesn't get them every other week as he lives 5 hours away... and has a hectic work schedule. After 6 years he now keeps our youngest about a month or so for the summer... our youngest is 14.

It may be harder on you, plan wise... but it will work out. Try to keep your line of communication open.

That happened to me once or twice as well. I counted it as lucky for me, too bad for him.

If he does not pick up the kids when he is supposed to, notify your attorney. You don't need to have them do anything, just go on record that you lived up to your end of the agreement and have no objection to him not living up to his.

After that, you can make any plans that you want and he will have to work around them. You have no obligation to work around him; however, the better your relationship, the easier it will be on the kids.

By the way, I see you are a working mom, you should ask him to pick up the day care cost for the weeks he is supposed to be caring for them (if he has not already offered to do that) in addition to the normal child support. That could be the reason he is not taking them during the week, he may think he does not have to pay for their daycare during that period if you "keep" them during the week.

Unless he is a bad person, and I'm sure he isn't, you should encourage the month long visit during the summer, including the time during the week. If the daycare cost is the issue, and you are able to afford it, offer to pay it for him or split it with him. It will be a very valuable time for him to spend with his children and they will be too soon grown and gone and it will be time he (and they) will never get back. In addition, it will give him a better understanding and appreciation of how difficult it is to be a full-time single parent for more than 48 hours at a stretch and that might help your relationship as well. Good luck sweetie, this too shall pass.

Standard orders specify that that is his time. Special arrangements have to be made in writing. If they are not then you have the say in what he gets. If he did not get them on 7-1, then he forfitted the right to having them. Since he did not give you anything in writing by April 1 he can not make up his own schedule. make sure that you let him know this, but not in front of the kids. if you have plans, keep them. if not, let them see him. but make sure that you do not discuss anything of the matter with them. he may say things, but by you doing the same only makes the children have less respect for you and him. trust me i have seen it countless times before.