Suggestions When Parents Want to Keep 'Parenting' Adult Children

You need to sit down with them and go over the expectations about you moving in. If you get childcare, you give them....rent? Groceries? Cooking and cleaning? The rules for the children are x. The grands can do y but you want q (like a grounding or spanking) to be left to YOU. They expect what from them? Lay it allll out, as adults.

FWIW, the kids can be included in a lot but they are not equals. As a child of divorce, I also suggest VERY STRONGLY that you instill a personal boundary so that they are not caught up in adult matters - be it your own or between you and their father. They need you to be their mom, not their friend.

If I were you, I'd also be planning a quick exit from their home so that I could be the adult in my home again.

I wouldn't be talking about dating right now. Leave that for when you have your "on your own feet" plan and the divorce behind you.

First of all, let me tell you that I think this is going to be a difficult situation for you to make adjustments to. You already know that your parents are not going to sit back and just silently support you...they are going to put their 2 cents worth in at every turn. But...you are putting yourself into a delicate situation because you are moving back home with your children...and your parents are going to be taking care of your children while you are in school or work. You can't ask them to not put their own spin on how things are done with your children...when they are the ones doing the majority of the active "parenting" of your children.
I understand what you are saying about your parenting style being different than what your parents used with you. My own adult children have a completely different parenting style that I raised them with...and I do my very best to honor what they want. But, if I were taking care of their children full time, I can promise you that I would NOT be able to "toe the mark" in doing things the way THEY wanted it done all of the time!!
You need to sit down and have an honest, calm, ( emphasis on CALM) discussion with your parents....and the three of you need to find a middle ground that you can all live with. Otherwise...it just isn't going to work for you to move back home with them and you are going to have to come up with a different plan. It may be that the added expense of living on your own would be a small price to pay for peace in the family.
Good luck to you

You are in quite a predicament. Listen to what they have to say and try to hear their point of view. If you disagree, calmly and respectfully state how you feel and why. You don't want to rock the boat too hard because of your dependence on them. They are doing a lot for you and you don't want to create a hostile environment, but you are an adult and need to be allowed to be one. When it comes to your kids.....you are the parent and what you say goes...period. When it comes to dating, you know what is right for you. As long as you respect the rules of their house, you don't really need to discuss your love life with them until real decisions need to be made....engagement, weddings. The discussions just need to entail telling them what those big decisions are. Good luck to you. You can't male your parents treat you like an adult. You can just behave like one and hope they recognize it.

You have to discuss guidlines of living together and you have to understand that parents never stop being parents - the need to "parent" will always be there and will increase as they see you in a "lost" phase of your life. You will have to agree that you set the rules when it comes to parenting your children and that while you value their opinion you also reserve the right to follow your own path. Make sure they understand that you APPRECIATE the leg up they are giving you and you do not wish to take it for granted, but you do wish to continue to live as an adult. Again, let them share thier opinion - say I appreciate that and I will consider it and move on. Now, if they say it over and over and the "I told you sos" then you need to remind them that you will make the final decisions for your life and you have already considered that view point as they shared it last week (or whenever). You have to be diplomatic and assertive in this position as it is a tricky and difficult one.

You are stuck. Based on your new schedule with school & work it sounds like they are going to become a huge part of your childrens child rearing. It sounds like this is going to be very hard on everyone if you cannot get your parents to listen and respect your wishes. They kind of know they hold the power since you will be vulnerable living under their roof and needing their help in every aspect of your life. Good luck

And no need to talk about dating, just make it a mute subject

So when you are ready to date, tell them you are going out with your friend...after all, it is the truth.

You can't change your parents point of view, chances are, it won't happen. I know people say you should "talk", but not when it is just going to cause a whole bunch of extra grief.

I hear where you're coming from in your edit. My mother never respected my feelings, hopes, dreams or needs, and as an act of healing, I raised my daughter as my "emotional" equal – worthy of equal respect. She did learn to follow rules, cheerfully and early, and I'm convinced the respect I gave her actually helped. She made good choices BECAUSE she learned to respect herself at an early age, and she's a terrific mother, caring daughter, and successful career woman today. So good for you, CaliMomma – I think this approach will probably serve you well.

Considering your mom's habit of disregarding your stated needs, you probably can't expect her to change much now. But you can change how you "react" internally.

I really struggled with it until my 40's, but one day I just "got" it that my mom is a bossy, controlling, and not always rational person. She will always be so. But I learned to let it roll off once I realized that she's not "god," and I have at least as many smarts about life, and my decisions are actually thoughtful, sensible, and balanced. My mom has screwed up her life in some pretty significant ways, and lives in a state of religion-inspired fear that affects everything she does these days.

When in a position of not wanting to hurt her feelings, I have a couple of basic responses that serve me well. You might try these on in front of a mirror and see how they feel to you, and probably how they look/sound to your mother.

"Mom, you care so much about my choices / future / happiness / safety / whatever. I hear what you are saying (and repeat in my own words so she knows I got it). Thank you for loving me so much." (And then stop – don't argue, explain, pout – just stop there.)

Alternately:
"Mom (or Dad), thank you for sharing your concerns with me. I hear you would like me to __________. And no, that will not work for me." (Again, no arguments, explanations, etc.)

And of course, there's always the evasive answer – you don't know what the future holds. You could meet The Love of Your Life next month, or never. So why worry the subject?

My best to you and your future.

I appreciate where your parents are coming from as a parent.

To the responders of "only child syndrome". Bull shi$$

There is no only child syndrome unless you choose to judge someone. Good grief

I personally believe its in your best interest to be a stand alone parent in your surroundings in your own place. This is where you parent your children b open communication and patenting without grandparents. Even of they are willing, to help.

Of course you need help but you are the parent. It does not mean a cent that you are an only child. You are responsible for those children and by having open communication as I infered from your question that is right on

Your parents are fantastic to be there as a guide to help you. You don't owe them unless you made some deal you've not mentioned. Let them grandparent and you parent.

Good grief on the the only child syndrome responses.. Get a freakIng life. There are a lot of only children who grow up to be the CEO's, CFO's and main industry leaders of America who in turn write your paycheck.

You may decide to suck it up, but what about your children? Will they play along or will they push back when Grandma and Grandpa begin laying down much heavier handed discipline and rules than they are used to? Especially after going through a major upheaval in their lives?
Are your parents really your only option? Because you may need a quick exit strategy if they chose not to cooperate.
My best advice for what to say to your parents is to tell them that the kids have gone through a lot of change recently and you are concerned that further changes may be too difficult for them to handle. I wouldn't worry about your Dad's comment on you ever dating again. You'll likely be too busy in the time you live with them to worry about dating anyway.

The ONLY way to get around "Only Child Syndrome" is to get on your own two feet "immediately" and without the financial help of your parents. You are only creating a very difficult emotional web of craziness for yourself, returning home after a nasty divorce.

I know it is really hard raising two kids on your own, but in the end, you have to decide if the trade off will be worth it. It is inevitable THEY will call the shots in your life and that of your children if you let them financially care for all of you. You are their only child and you coming home is tantamount to giving up all rights and autonomy so they can take care of you because you couldn't do it on your own. Do you really think your parents will care or even be able to allow you to be a parent or adult under their roof under THESE circumstances? Realistically, and you have to be realistic here, there is NO WAY.

When and if you do find a new love interest they will sabotage that relationship, unless they hand pick that person for you. They will remind you over and over again of the mistakes(true or perceived) you made before and use that against you and as a case for why their word prevails against yours. Last but not least, you will ultimately destroy your relationship with them, and vice versa. None of you will leave this arrangement (if ever) happy. It will inevitibly end in discord because of some type of lifestyle disagreement or something involving the children.

Do yourself and your entire family a favor, bite the bullet and get your own place right off the bat and find a way to get through school on your own...even if means taking longer to do it, doing it online so you don't need a babysitter, or going part-time or on weekends only. Don't create new headaches for yourself that you don't need. Dealing with a divorce is enough. From what you're telling us, you don't really want to give up your life and freedom to your parents, you just want money and a babysitter. Going home sounds like a cheap and doable solution, but it's really a big price to pay on many levels. Especially for someone who clearly has gotten set in their ways, has a very strong opinion about things, and clear goals in mind. You are right, you are an adult, so why go back to being a child? Do what adults do and that is get creative in finding a way to do things on your own without your parents. You can probably get more accomplished this way in quicker time. Give yourself a chance.

Unfortunately, as parents we never know when to stop parenting. Your parents love you and only want the best for you and your children. A divorce is always hard on everyone... especially children!
A lot of women find themselves wanting a divorce because they have not achieved their own dreams and feel frustration blaming the husbands. (This may not apply to you but you mentioned going back to school/working.) My advice, work out your differences with your husband if he is a good man. At times, it can be pride and stubbornness that gets in
our way. Other times it can't be helped
As to your parents.... You need to sit them down and be honest about how your feeling in a loving way. Both parties need to know each others expectations. This is you......being an adult.
It will not be easy for your parents helping you as you go through your divorce. It is a financial burden on them. Be patient. Your blessed to have such wonderful parents that are willing to help.

Kind Regards,

I am stopping at your statemet (my children are my equals)...they are not...you need to do some serious regrouping....it is no wonder that your parents are treating you as they do. Think about it!