Stupid Girl Drama...(supposed Adult) "Friendship" Question

I just want to say...
*I* am L. U!!
The rude one was L. M.

Just want to make sure people see the difference.
LOL!

Is there a reason that you have to smile at her? I don't think I would go out of my way to be happy and kind with her. I would just continue doing my job and then when you need to talk with her, simple, quick, to the point, and out. It sounds like you are doing pretty good at rising above! Much better than me.
L.

Sounds as if she might have befriended you with an ulterior motive of getting you to be an ally in the office. I don't usually like to ascribe such motives to folks, and she's so young that possibly she also really felt she wanted to be friends, but beneath that there may have been some feeling of "If we're buddies it's good for me in the office."

At this point you have done what you can, except for two things: One, get her out of your head. The post indicates to me that you are thinking too much and too emotionally about this woman's "dumping" you as a friend. While it does hurt, you need to get a little thicker skin about stop focusing on how you have to "suck it up" and how much you'd really like to tell her off. Of course you would! We all would. And you're taking the professional road of saying nothing, which is the right road. But do your best also to occupy your mind with other things and stop letting it drift over to her and how she treated you. She's taking up mental real estate you can better fill with....almost anything. I find that I have to make a conscious effort to think about different things, when my mind is too focused on one person and their negative behaviors.

The S. thing: Have you thought about whether she is eventually angling for your job, or at least angling for more power in her own job? You have quite a bit of seniority over her, of course, so I'm not talking about an immediate bid here, but the fact that she "goes over your head" on some issues -- well, you mention that as a matter of course but don't seem worried by it; I would be worried by it, if she is supposed to be in your chain of command and goes around you for anything. You don't know what she says to those over your head when she goes to them on issues she should bring to you. Take care that she is not gradually and subtly getting those over you to see you in a different light.

If she is charming and friendly and young and bubbly, which I suspect is the case here since she caught your attention so quickly as a friend, you might want to ensure she doesn't keep going around you. If you have a good, solid ally among those to whom she is turning, I would work with that person to be sure that this girl from now on has to go through you every time it's appropriate. It won't be fun for you and will expose you to her a bit more but really -- if she is going around you on things that you and she should be handling together, she is already out of line.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this nonsense. I don't know the field you're iin but it sounds like these two young women are the kind of workers who just bring drama and focus on themselves.

By the way -- the instigator will be back, possibly, so don't let the fact she's on maternity leave mean that you drop your guard. Things could change again once she returns and she and the first girl start putting their heads together again. Be the boss and don't tolerate drama or lack of communication or people circumventing the appropriate chain of responsibiility.

She sounds very immature--but you already knew that.:)

I've had to deal with a person like that. I found that being direct helped. I do think that Dawn's suggestion was a good one. Continue to be professional, even though her attitude stinks, and let her make her own life hard for herself. Eventually, too, your supervisor will catch on that perhaps this gal is just trying to get you into trouble by going over your head for little things that you are obviously capable of dealing with.

If it were me, I'd ignore her on FB. Not block, not unfriend. Just simply ignore. And keep acting cordial at work, that's it. Every conversation work-related, or cordial greeting, nothing more. She's trying to get to you, for some reason. You show her by not responding at all, that her childish behavior is insignificant to you. Not. worth. your. time. Because you're not in middle school anymore. That is what middle school girls do. Be your best friend for a few months, and then ice you out. She can dwell on her drama with her younger friends. I wouldn't even mention her wedding. If an invitation comes, decline or ignore.

Sounds like you are doing great to me.
The day will come when she will have no choice but ask for your advice or help.... on THAT day will be your test ;)
I have a feeling you will do the right thing and teach that little brat a lesson in maturity.
She's a manipulator... she used you in the beginning to get where she needed to get... the type that will throw anyone under the bus.
Just be a good example, sounds like you have been doing that so far.
Not easy to do the "right" thing most of the time, not easy at all.

I'm guessing that you're feeling a bit anxious about not having the state of your relationship settled. Sounds like you're wanting to find a way to get some closure in the relationship. Perhaps you're wondering if you'd feel better if you sat down with her and asked point blank what's going on so that you'd know for sure how she feels.

I suggest that it would help if you could tell yourself that the personal relationship is over. It will not help to talk with her about this. She will either respond by putting you on the defensive or by continuing to be non-communicative.

Begin treating her the same way that you treat other employees. I've been a supervisor and I would never let it go when a subordinate went over my head. Actually, my supervisor would've told that person to go talk to me and if she'd said she wasn't comfortable doing so (as one employee did) then my supervisor would've arranged a conference amongst all 3 of us.

If your supervisor hasn't talked with you about this, I suggest that you may want to bring it up with her. If you do so, leave out all the personal stuff. Just say you've noticed that so and so has bypassed you and you want to discuss that.

I would assume that I wasn't going to be involved in the wedding. No need to comment about it to her.

If you aren't friends on Facebook with other employees then I suggest it's not appropriate to be friends with this one. I would just unfriend her without saying anything. Leave it up to her to come to you if she wonders about it. If other subordinates are friends then I'd just leave her on your Facebook.

It is hurtful for her to have become the ice queen. You can't go back and change it. You can just let the relationship drop without involving her. Because you're her supervisor I suggest that there is no way of salvaging the friendship.

Sometimes being the boss sucks! You aren't her friend, you are her boss. You need to start acting like it. Get her off your fb. S., I believe you need to have a meeting with the young lady and explain the protocal of how things work. If she has an issue, she comes to you, she does not go over your head. While I'm sure your boss is amazing, this young lady could be angling for your job. Be professional, but be firm with her. I would also have a conversation with your boss. Explain that you have noticed that this young lady has been cutting you out and that you are going to have a discussion with her regarding that. That way, if she goes to your boss and says how mean you were, your boss is already aware of the topic.

I experience something a couple of years ago when I was out on leave. I had someone in a span of 6 weeks under mind me. It took several months and a lot of heartache on my part to show what a lying sack of poo this person was.

If your job supports your family, then you need to protect it. CYA!!

If you're her immediate supervisor, then she really should be going to you before going to your supervisor. Going over your head simply to avoid talking to you is childish and disrespectful, and it's not very subtle but I think it borders on insubordinate. History of friendship or not, it's unprofessional. I suspect that even if you hadn't become friends this would have happened because of the other woman she became office friends with.

I think it's time to re-establish the chain of command in your office and maybe have some team-building activities and team meetings that are geared towards, you know, working together and opening lines of communication.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I hired a woman who was in my same age bracket. I got too close and it backfired. She wanted MY job and it was so clear.

I learned from that. Do NOT become close to a subordinate. It sounds snobbish--but I learned the hard way.

You cannot be in her wedding--it will look bad to others who report to you. Say that you have just gotten a call from your relatives that they will be visitiing you that weekend... Unfriend her on FB, she nor no other work friend should know your personal life.

You have been blessed with a supervisory job--put on your big girl panties and realize that there are unpleasanties as such that come with the title and the monetary raise.

Again--it happened to me--and I was in my early 40s when I got burned!

Good luck because its gonna be hell to get from under this chick's anger!

I agree with Dawn. You were very nice to take this girl under your wing, but it was probably a mistake to form a friendship with her, given that you are her supervisor.

She won't talk to you. She has frozen you out. This is passive aggression. If I were you, I would send her a message on FB saying that you have tried to talk to her about any issues she might have with you. Given that she won't talk to you, you are officially acknowledging the fact that you will not stand up for her at her wedding, nor will you be attending. Let her know that you still value her as an employee and want to maintain a good working relationship with her. She can still come talk to you about work issues at work.

Give her a week to let that e-mail soak in. Maybe she'll finally open up. But regardless, you should defriend her and maintain a safe distance from her. This is the part where you suck it up, smile, and be professional. No hard feelings on your end. She sounds like a drama queen.

I think she wanted an advanatage at work and maybe even your job.

I would take the high road but document everything and cya.

As for losing a friend, it hurts. I hope you can find a woman or two outside of work.

(I'm probably repeating what some others have said.)

You two are not a good friend match. Early 20s for many is really more like 20-teen. They flit from friend to friend and are BFFs with each one, in season. For some reason, you allowed yourself to get caught up in her whirlwind, and you're still trying to deal with her on her terms.

Your text essentialy asked, "Why aren't you my friend? Why don't you llike me anymore?" You said that to a teenager. She's avoiding you now because you seem clingy and desperate. Give her space. Don't try to be her friend. Don't talk to her at all if you don't have to. Be professional and kinda warm, but not emotional. Do not unfriend her on Facebook. Just change your settings so she has to come to your page to see you. How soon is the wedding? If it's coming up pretty soon, pull her aside (after some no-contact time between you) and ask when you need to meet to finalize wedding plans. If it's a ways off, give her more space.

She obviously doesn't know how to be friends at work. Schedule a meeting with her, maybe 30 minutes. Do NOT address the friendship. "I've noticed that you go to my boss for certain things that really should come through/from my office. I want to make sure that you are clear on protocol, so things flow like they should around here. I'm glad to answer any questions that you have about xyz. (Site specific cases, with details.) Do you have any questions about that, or did you want to add something to it? (She will say no.) Okay, well, if you think of anything, be sure to let me know, and we can take care of it. Thanks for your time." Do NOT address or even acknowledge the friendship at all. Treat her like she is any other person on your team. Do not speak coldly AT ALL, but be professional. This is about maintaining professionalism. Since she is not keen on that concept, you have to take the lead on that. You and your boss will need to be on the same page with what is protocol around there. When she goes over your head, they should redirect her to you. Otherwise, she will play you against each other like divorced parents who can't see eye to eye.

Continue to take the high road. Business is business; it isn't personal. I think that women have a much harder time with this than men do. This girl is no longer interested in being your friend, so definitely avoid "friends" type of interaction -- FB, text, etc. Do not say anything about any of the personal stuff, just unfriend her and ignore the rest of it. That said, the fact that she does not want to be friends does NOT excuse her refusing to interact with you on a business level...business is business; it's not personal. Why is your boss not reminder her that there is a chain of command and asking her whether she has talked with you before going above your head? That reflects poorly on her and your boss, and it also makes you look ineffective and gives the perception of not managing your people. You probably do need to have a discussion with her about the appropriate chain of command being to come to you. If you cannot/will not resolve an issue after it has been brought to your attention and you've been given an appopriate opportunity to address it, then she may go above your head. However, before that occurs, you should also be at the point of having told her that she could do so or she should have advised you that she planned to notify your boss. I wouldn't worry about the friendship part, as any telling off of anything could get you into some real trouble professionally. That said, I would not accept insubordination. We don't have to like our bosses or coworkers, but we do have to respect them enough to do our jobs and follow procedure and rules. For your coworker to refuse to do that is wholly unacceptable.