Stumped... - Tulsa,OK

Share an activity with her, something she enjoys. Shopping, evening walks, garage sale hunting, sports.. etc.

Conversation will follow. Listen to what she says, sprinkled in the trivial are the real issues you want to talk to her about.

Don't try to have a sit down, face to face talk with her. It's intimidating. Instead, talk while making cookies or shooting the basketball or taking a walk. And, when you do try to talk, put away your electronic distractions- phone, iPod, etc. and give her your full attention. Ask questions that require more than a yes/ no answer and withhold any judgement.

Someone once said you have to listen to all the little things in order to hear the big things.

I agree with lucky mom. I always talked to my kids in the car on our way to the mall, while out to lunch, helping me bake or cook. Teens are a strange breed and it is difficult to get them to talk so you almost have to trick them into it lol!! Also, it is key to not overreact and stay calm if they do open up, if they see you loose it they will not open up anymore. Good luck, do not miss those days!!

The best way I know is to spend time talking to them. I take my kids with me where ever I go. I love car rides because they are captive audiences. Keep in mind that mine don't have phones or ipods to plug into. It's just me and them. Sometimes we go to the coffee shop and sit or we may do dishes and visit. Sometimes we pan some goofy thing like pretzel making or decorating cookies for the neighbors. One thing my girls love to do is have tea parties with our youngest daughter who is 3. We pretend all kinds of silly conversations and just laugh. Keep in mind I have a 3, 10, and 16 year old girls.

J. - welcome to mamapedia!

There are several things I would do.
1. Shut up and listen to her.
2. Talk WITH her NOT TO HER. There is a HUGE difference between talking TO and talking WITH.
3. Spend time with her - lunches, dinners, movies (yeah, I know you can't talk in movies, however, it can spark a conversation afterwards).

Since you are new here - I have no background on you nor what history you have with your daughter and why you are taking her to a counselor.

She's a TEENAGER - do you not remember what it was like to be a teenager? Ahhh the hormones!! In order to bond with her - you have to open yourself up to her on her terms as well. You aren't her best friend, you are her parent. You need to parent her, yes, you can still be friends, but being a parent FIRST. She has to be able to trust that she can talk to you without you freaking out. It's hard. The balance between being a parent and "friend" to a teenager.

Spending time with her - getting involved with her friends - listening to her friends talk - that is what will help!

Good luck!

I would say something like this:

I want to have better communication with my daughter so we can feel comfortable talking about anything.

I want to work on learning how to allow my daughter some independence so she can become a good adult that can make decisions and choices that are good for herself.

I want to learn how to support my daughter so she will grow and learn how to become a great adult.

I want to be able to trust my daughter to have some privacy, knowing she is making good choices is a start to that.

I also want to work on my parenting skills and learn some new ways of doing this so I am more effective.

I'd like to share more time with my daughter but not so much she feels smothered, how do I tell the difference. I go to her games and activities but don't feel connected to her anymore.

These are all great goals to work on and they will help you be able to help your daughter through her teen years.

I too have a tomboy girl, and she has medical issues and her passions are video games and computers and things that I know nothing about. I'd like to cook with her, or go to a museum, or shop, or go out to lunch. But those aren't going to happen. So when have our best communication and nicest hours happened? When I put aside my desires, and sit with her and play a video game (even if I lose horribly, or don't even know what the point of the game is and push all the wrong buttons - but that makes us laugh!), and when I take her to the computer store for some part and help her by holding a small dish for those teeny screws and sit and watch while she puts that part in. It's hard, when your child is nothing like you, to keep from saying "there's an quaint little cafe that serves great chai sorbet", and instead say "there's an exhibit of video game art coming up, would you like to go?". So if your girl skateboards, buy her a skateboard repair kit or new wheels, or ask her if she'd like you to take her to the skatepark, and just watch her. If she plays sports, like soccer, for example, look up what young soccer players are doing and maybe get her a soccer ball carrier, or a poster of the latest star. And go just watch her game, and make sure your comments are about her, not you. Don't say things like "you'll break a nail" or "let me fix your hair, it's all mussed up". Don't try too hard, just meet her where she is. Yes, this past summer I saw all the action movies (Iron Man, Bat Man, etc), and although they were at the bottom of my "must-see" list, we had fun, and she talked and came home and showed me her drawings.

Listen to her vs talking.

What does SHE want to work on?

What does your counselor suggest you do to establish some communication?

I would not barrage your daughter with questions... "how was your day", etc. I know I hated it when I walked in the door and was greeted with questions about school, homework, friends, etc. Give her time to chill down from school and come talk to you.

Are you upset that she is a "tom boy" and does she pick up on that?

I don't know if anything I said could possibly help... I know 13 is a very hard age for all girls. I thin kit is great that you have already established an issue and are working with a counselor. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Conversation starters:

What's up?
What new?
How's it going?
Tell me more about it....
Any important stuff at school?
Tell me about your friends and friend's friends at school...
What movie would you like to see?
What's your favorite home cooked meal?
What would you like to learn this year?

ALL of those are about getting to know her and all require you to listen.

GL!

Take her to the mall, or a movie, or do something else with her she likes to do. You don't have to spend a bunch of money at the mall, you can look at stuff, buy one item, and a cookie. Take whatever conversation comes up during that time.

Thirteen is the time for young girls to start their process of breaking away, so don't be surprised if she's not that into being with mom for the next few years. She will want to be with her friends. Sometimes she will want to talk to you, and be sure to listen and empathize during those times, as well as talk and give advice.

When she has matured, which starts sometime after 16, she will start to become more communicative again.

Just noticed that she's a tom boy. So maybe she's not into the mall. Do something tom-boyish with her. Hike or a sport, whatever.

And yes, the car is a great place to talk. Especially with boys.

Go in her room at bedtime, turn out the lights and just chat. My girls tell me so much when the lights are out.
I know it is pricey but I highly recommend getting a hot tub. It is truly the best money we ever spent. We love sitting under the stars, totally relaxed and disconnected from the world around us with nothing to do but talk.

As much as I talk to my children, I try to make sure that I spend a lot of time listening. I don't brush them off even when something sounds unimportant to me, because to them everything that they take the time to tell me is important. I want them to know that what they have to tell me is always important to me... and I will ALWAYS listen to them.

You can learn so much about your child just by watching and listening.

I love going to the park for a run (or walk) with our 13 yr. old daughter or we take our dog to the dog park. It's always a good outing for both of us and we enjoy the chatting. If you live close enough go for a zip-line ride or bowling. Anything that gets you away from the computer, phone and other electronics is always a good thing.

My daughter gets super chatty when we go on a one-on-one walk together. Today we walked through the woods and she went on and on. It's fun bonding time.