Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you. I've been going through some similar, but slightly less extreme, problems with my previously near-perfect daughter who turned 13 last month. I know what you're dealing with is more serious, but maybe some of what we've been doing will help you a little. I agree with the other moms who recommend counseling (I'd get a recommendation from your pastor). It can help tremendously. We may still end up there soon if things start to go badly again. WIth all you're dealing with, I hope you're not letting your daughter have ANY unsupervised time. The problems with boys and smoking could have permanent consequences for her life.
We just moved, which combined with hormones, made for a mess. She was sneaking and lying about texting, computer use, and the cell phone, mostly trying to stay in touch (but 4500 text messages in one month is a bit extreme, especially since we had no plan in place!). Although I told her she was free to use our home phone at reasonable hours, she continued to sneak.
She was telling me she couldn't control herself. She continued to sneak late night calls after the cell phone and computer privileges were gone. With dead eyes, she told me she expected to get caught and punished, but didn't know why she was behaving this way. At the same time, she became disrepectful, snotty, and sarcastic to everyone in the family.
At first I took away some privileges, then more. I told her that her door had to be at least cracked open, but as it continued, the new requirement is that it be fully open (we're in a rental house and had trouble removing it completely). I explained that if it continued I would strip her room, and she would lose all of her cool stuff (decorations, pictures jewelry, bed, etc.--everything that makes it uniquely hers). I told her I didn't think that she appreciated how much she had relative to the rest of the kids in the world, and that all we were required to give her was food, clothing, and shelter.
I don't think she believed me. Soon caught her talking on the cell phone in bed (she'd stolen it back). With sadness, I followed through and started removing her things that night. At first she didn't seem to care, until I started taking her books and dicussed finding a good home for her cat--then it kicked in and the tears started. She immediately started talking about how fast she could earn it back, assuming it would be quick. I explained that it wasn't that simple, and we'd have to see if or when she'd "earn" it all back. (Funny how she seemed to think I was so bad she couldn't talk to me about her sadness, but still assumed I was so nice I woulndn't follow through or that I'd immediately give it all back! LOL)
Since my husgand and I felt like one problem was how much she was isolating herself in her room, we semi-jokingly told her she was being punished by having to be with the rest of us whether she liked it or not. After her homework was done, she got to spend her time doing dishes and helping around the house at my direction. She had to spend her evenings with us whether she liked what we were doing or not.
Over the next couple of days, I got the hate looks, etc. But I made a point of telling her I was doing this because I knew she was on the wrong path, that it wouldn't take her anywhere good. I told her that I loved her too much, and she was far too important and wonderful to let her continue down that path. I contined to hug her at every turn, and looked for any occasion to poke fun at the ridiculousness of this situation. I let her know that I understood her feelings, her sadness at the move (had a difficult move across country when I was 16), that I cared and would help her stay in touch with her friends. I let her know that I wanted my old daughter back, and tried to let her see that the door was open for her to come back with a good attitude.
Gradually over the past weekend, she started to crack a little. She had to work hard to keep from smiling at a few family jokes, started to hug back a little. She got bored, and sarcastically started asking if she was nice during a period of time, could she have a book back, or a piece of jewlery. I told her no, that wouldn't be enough, but it was a start, let's see how she did for the weekend. After a while, she seemed to lose energy and enthusiasm for keeping up the bad attitude. I let her have some jewelry for church. When she continued, I gave her one book.
Right now, she'd acting like her old self. She hasn't gotten her other things back and is still sleeping on her mattress on the floor, but if she continues to be so sweet we'll probably give it back this week. (I want to make sure we're not being played, but she does seem very sincere.)
I'm not sure, but I think what made a difference to her is our telling her how much we loved her, that we were sad for her, and that we felt it was important enough to do drastic things to get her back to where she needed to be. Humor helped. I think the hugging helped, too. Although I think at first she felt she'd changed and couldn't change back, being reminded that she could and that her life wouldn't always feel like this may have made a difference.
I hope something we've been through can help your family. I'll be praying for your and your daughter. I hope you'll let us know how she'd doing.
Blessings!