Stuck in the Middle !!Help!!

R.,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your family. I don't envy your situation at all, your parents (particularly your dad) seem to be taking advantage of you and your kindness. I honestly think the only way you can solve your problem is to put your foot down and refuse to help your dad. As selfish as he sounds, I'm sure he will be offended, and throw a child sized fit, but he is the parent here, not you. You have a family that you have to think about, and focus on. Your husband and children are sure to notice the time and effort you are putting into your fathers situation, and it could cause animosity towards both you and your father.

I guess the only thing I could suggest to do to please your father is to tell him you and your husband will set aside one day of the week to help them. wheather it be a ride to the foodbank, or help around their RV. As far as Christmas goes, get him what you want to. not everyone, especially adults, get what they want every year, and if he isn't grateful for whatever you get him, then he really is an ungrateful child, and you should really just cut him off. It sounds like you would be better off without the stress of raising another child.

Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I hope it all works out peacefully so you can have a stress free holiday.

I just want to reinforce the importance of boundaries and saying "No". So often, we find that we fear setting boundaries with our family members because we don't want to hurt their feelings. Well, their hurt feelings aren't about your boundaries. Their hurt feelings are about their own unresolved issues through which they are filtering your actions. Of course we love our families, and we feel sad to see them unhappy, however, sometimes the most loving act is to allow others to fully have their own experiences.

It is so important that we learn to be responsible for our own well-being first and foremost, especially as women. If we don't, then we don't have what it takes to be available fully for those around us. I talk with women all the time that are just sooooo tired. They spend so much time worrying about other's well-being they don't have anything left for themselves and eventually anyone else either.

One of the myths out there is that we can even be responsible for someone else's well-being. Has it worked thus far with your father? Has any of what you and your husband have done made any real difference in your father's attitude? Your father is the only one that can choose to be respectful, self-sufficient, helpful, loving, or kind. No matter what you choose to do, it always boils down to his choice to react or respond.

Family is hard. We somehow believe that with family everthing should be different. It should be happy, fun, easy, loving, etc. This belief sometimes leads us to not care for ourselves and to not fully be who we are. I encourage you to explore the idea that maybe family could be the place where you get to practice self-care and fully being who you choose to be (not who other's think you should be). Not always the easiest task, but definitely worth it!

Let it go. Your parents gave you life. Think if something were to happen to him and he were gone, would you want to look back at your time with you feeling resentful toward him? Be grateful your parents are still around. Let it go , you are hurting yourself with this, not him. And people get even more set in their ways as they age. Let it go.

I am sorry your father isn't any more considerate of your feelings or your husbands. That is sad, all you can do is be honest and not take responsibilty for how he reacts, that is his issue not yours.
You aren't the peace keeper, you can just not do that all the time.
You can say to your father, handing him back the ad, this is nice, but with the economy and the kids to buy for we just cannot afford it, I am sorry. Any father on the planet that would find that offensive, well, then you are better off with him not around you at the holidays.

You can also go online, get a second hand MP3 player from Ebay or Craigslist, just type in what brand he was wanting.
Double standards never sat well with me, we sometimes have accept our family as they are, it doesn't mean you have to deal with the disrespect, but teach him how to treat you.

It is okay for your husband to say "I am sorry, I cannot help you out today, maybe another day soon"....if he gets upset at that, well, tough. You are allowed to say no, you are allowed to establish boundaries, he is your father, be blessed he is in your life and tell him how much you love him. Also give him clear boundaries, how he chooses to process it is his problem, not yours. People that manipulate a situation to wear their feelings on their sleeves and not just respect what we say really are irratating, just love him and understand you are not responsible for his feelings.