If you have a strong willed child, they may see all directives as win-lose. If you win, she loses. So, it helps to have a lot of tools in your arsenal if you want greater compliance and a happier life. You need to pick and choose your directives carefully, and you MUST make sure that whatever directives you give are winable by you and worth a fight.
Three year olds LOVE choices. Phrase things as choices (two options where you don't really care which is chosen. "We're leaving in 5 minutes. Are you wearing your boots or your shoes?" )
Three year olds LOVE big words like "Exciting!," "Surprise," "Unusual," etc. Using these words increases interest and compliance. "We need to get ready to go because we're going to see something EXCITING!" "I think we'll see something AMAZING on the way to your granda's house!" Then point out something that a 3 year old would consider exciting or amazing along the way. And, do not ever underestimate the power of the word, "surprise" and seeing something surpising or doing something surprising and how little it takes for a 3 year old to be surprised. Also, do not undersestimate the power of a whisper. Try whispering a directive, and see what happens.
Three year olds LOVE to help. Make youg daughter your helper. Ask her to help you with small tasks throughout the day. Tell her she's your helper and include the things you need her to do as things that help you out. "You know what would really help me? If you would pick that up your toys so that I don't trip on them."
Three year olds are learning sponges. Instead of just giving a directive, provide an explanation. "We need to go to school so that you can learn a lot today and so that I can go to work." "I need to have you give me that toy because I can't reach it." When they understand a little bit of why you are making what they think is an unreasonable demand, the more reasonable it becomes to them and the easier to gain compliance.
Three year olds can be BRIBED. Don't underestimate the power of positive reinforcement for making good choices. Or even just "If you do x, then I can give you a sticker." or "If you do x, we can take a walk." It doesn't need to be extravagent or food based, it just needs to be something that she earns. And, you have to praise that choice up, down and sideways.
Three year olds generally want to please if it's more fun to please than not please. When you catch her doing things that make you happy, whether a directive or just good behavior, stop and tell her. Give hear tons of hugs and tons of praise. When she does what you ask her without throwing a fit or just behaves in a way that you really want her to add to her normal behaviors, tell her how very proud of her you are and combine it with hugs and kisses. Whether I'm proud of my daughter is incredibly important to her, and it has been since this age. When she makes good choices, she tells her teachers "my mommy will be so proud of me!" In addition to telling her, you're proud of her, ask her if she is also proud of herself. That's even more important. "When you shared your toys at the park, I was very proud of you for sharing with others! When you do that, it makes my heart happy. How does your heart feel when you share?"
Three year olds know manners when they hear them. Include "please" and "Thank you" in all directives. "Get in the car, please" "Thank you for picking up your toys so that I don't trip on them."
Three year olds are people and worthy of the respect. Just because they're little people does not make it ok to treat them with disrespect. Authoritarian parenting often stings of disrespect. I hate when I hear parents talking to their children like they're dogs rather than people. Be sure to check your tone of voice...the less emotional you are, the more relaxed your child will be. The more rushed your child is, the greater the stress and the less the compliance. I'm not a fan of spankings...you don't have to hit a kid to make them mind you. However, you do have to stay one step ahead of them to outsmart them..